An offshoot from the LK home for the elderly deranged....(well it's written by two of it's "residents")
So, here's a brief introduction to a funny story that was dreamt up on the Lizard King message board. I (UKB) was at the beginning but it is mostly down to Crystal Tears and Gemini Girl. so here's a brief list of players and their abbreviations (just in case like!)
CT~Crystal Tears
GG~Gemini Girl
UKB~UK Barbarella
KS~Kevin Spacey
MP~Matthew Perry
SleB~Simon Le Bon
NR~Nick Rhodes
Incidental characters pop up here and there, but it's waaaay too tiresome to list them all!!
So, just have a good read and thanks to GG and CT for making my site cool!
(the start of this conversation is about Kevin Spacey and the recent Oscars ceremony)
Well I thought it was obvious Gemini Girl, haven't you just had surgery??? He KNEW you wouldn't be able to take it, so he grabbed who he could from the street!! These awards were recent weren't they???
You're right UKB! I feel so much better, knowing that Kevin was actually looking out for my well-being. What a relief. I can sleep now.
But...oh-oh...whos' this?? Heres Richard Simmons to rub it with a salve to ease the pain....Kevin slinks away, his flowers bought as a peace offering wilting as he wanders off dejectedly!! Hehehe!!! Oh but wait....does Richard spy CT in distress as she gets locked in the portapotty???? Oh what a quandry, what is he to do?
CT starts banging on the door, begging Richard to help her. "Let me out of here! Someone, please help me! I'm sweating to the oldies in here, and it smells really really bad!" Richard has no choice but to help CT. Kevin sees Richard head towards CT in the blue box and oh... oh... heads back towards. . . me!
But as Richard goes to open the door, Kevin rushes to the aid of CT, that Gemini lass is safe in her comfy chair for the moment, being the gallant hero that he is, he could never let someone as helpless as CT fall prey to the evil Richard. With a bop of the flowers, now with brick buried amongst them, Kevin sweeps open the door and CT falls gasping into his arms. Gemini Girl, aghast at CTs obvious flirting with HER man, hobbles over and smashes Kevin accidently over the head, he swoons, he wavers, he drops CT, he wavers some more.....and falls into the arms of Richard!
*GG signals Kevin to hurry, for of course she is driving her '99 Camry as he heads toward her. Kevin hops in front seat, and watches, stunned, as GG hurtles toward the portapotty, pinning Richard Simmons between her front grill and the potty. The boy with the red ball, meanwhile, is carving out an escape tunnel for CT...*
It seems we simultaneously wrote storyettes! Now GG is in the (un?)fortunate position of having to choose one!!! For the record, I would not battle GG for Kevin. I think he is a great actor and as I mentioned yesterday a class act, but he does not do for me the things that Simon or Matthew Perry do...*sigh*
The boy with the red ball, exhausted from digging, decides to play for a while. He runs around the portapotty singing, "ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy, ashes, ashes... oooh what's that smell?" and falls down. When GG jammed Richard against the box, the back sprang open and CT runs out, turns, and runs right into Matthew Perry. She falls back and lands on her butt, and he extends a hand to her to help her up. CT mutters, "sure, I run into him NOW when I've just come running out of a portapotty." Meanwhile, Richard is yelling for CT to please save him from the insane woman behind the wheel of the Camry. Kevin, head sticking out of the sunroof, lifts a fist up in the air and says, "I rule." It starts to rain, so Kevin brings his head back into the car and closes the sunroof. With that, Gemini backs away from Richard. He falls to the ground and starts crawling towards CT and Matthew, who run to the Camry. Gemini says, "I'll be there for you... when the rain starts to fall... cuz you're there for me toooooo.
If I had any stitches, they would have popped! In fact, I think one of my skirt seams just let go! I finally meet Matthew Perry in one of these stories, and I have a.) just exited a portapotty and b.) that cheesy overplayed song is playing! As Chandler might inquire: "Could this suck anyMORE?" "Could my luck BE any worse?"
If only someone would continue the story, perhaps your luck with Matthew would get better... Could I BE any more obvious?
As Peter Cetera once sang, "You're the Inspiration!" As they scoop up Gemini Girl (no pun intended with the whole portapotty/scoop thing,) and save her from a fate worse than something really SUCKY, Matthew Perry suddenly turns to CT.
MP: What was that little blue room you were in when I found you?
CT: Blue babadibabbadababbadibabbadibabbada...
UKB interrupts this intellectual exchange by popping up off the floor of the back seat.
UKB: Oh, that was just my cupboard.
MP: Cupboard? Who says cupboard these days, besides Old Mother Hubbard?
CT: Good one, honey! UKB, what the hell are you doing here?
UKB: Well really, don't I ever get to join in the fun, or am I simply supposed to craft worlds for you people all day, all the while rotting away, getting carpal tunnel syndrome, and hunting down toffees?
GG: That's true, CT, don't be an ingrate.
MP: No, I'm serious, who says cupboard?
CT: (hushed voice bouncing off all car walls) SHHH...don't make fun, she's British!
MP: Carry on, then!
GG: UKB, why are you carrying that boom box with you?
UKB turns purple, stops Rembrandts tape, a silence falls over the car.
UKB: So, is this a Camry, then?
GG: Yes indeedydo!
UKB: I've never seen one with such a funny hood ornament. That's so cute! What is it, a Chia pet hood ornament?
CT: (gasps) Oh no, Richard Simmons is still stuck to the car!
GG: That'll smart!
UKB: Who is Richard Simmons?
MP: I'll tell you who he's not. He is so not CT's boyfriend! CT: *plants wet one on MP's cheek* That's right, you little cutie!
GG: And look, Kevin is stuck to Richard's tank top. Looks like he didn't move or groove and lost!
UKB: Tank top, err...Richard's a tumblebug, then?
CT: *giggles to self* Tumblebug, tumblebunny, tumblebug, tumblebunny...
MP: You guys, where are we going, anyway?
GG: *points out beyond dashboard* See that kid with the red ball? Follow him.
MP slows car down to 3 mph. UKB rolls eyes, files fingernails.
CT: So UKB, what are we doing following this kid? Is he really taking us to Simon?
MP: Simple Simon?
GG: Yeah, I mean, are we wasting our time, or is the kid gonna come through for us, UKB? We left the shallow pool and everything.
UKB: True, but..
MP: Rick Simon, of Simon & Simon?
CT: But what? Is this a wild goose chase, UKB? I do not appreciate this if that's the case!
MP: Paul Simon?
CT: Keep driving, honey. UKB???
UKB: I wouldn't say it's a wild goose chase. After all, it's not like they don't actually appear ever. Georgeschick vacuumed Warren for a while there...
GG: And Nick was in part seven...
MP: Chief Justice Warren? Saint Nick?
CT: Keep driving, honey, and don't lose the little boy...
UKB: Right.
GG: Right what? Right that we should keep tailing the kid with the ball?
CT: When you say "tailing," GG, I feel so NYPD Blue. I like the kid with the ball for the skell in the pokey...
UKB: You've lost me, CT.
CT: You've lost him, Matty!
MP: Lost who? Simon who met a pieman?
CT & GG: No!!! THE KID WITH THE BALL!!
MP: Well he's been around since 1981, I don't think we've lost him for good...
GG: (hits CT over the head with large crocodile purse) I told you you should have made him Matt Damon! Then we could have gone to a cool New Year's party, too! This doofus wouldn't know to come in out of the rain!
MP: Rain Taylor?
UKB smiles evil smile...for she knows that not is all as it seems with Matthew Perry...
The car stops, doors open.
MP: What are you grinning about, there, missy?
UKB: I'm not, it's just a British thing. I'm British, you know.
Everyone gets out of the Camry, as UKB insists on playing the Rembrandts over and over again.
MP: Could that BE any more annoying?
UKB: Umm, yes, it could. I could lock you in my cupboard, too. That would be annoying, too, wouldn't it?
MP: Is that the same thing as a pokey?
CT: Somthing like that, sugarplum.
GG: He finally got something right. Now, Matthew, your friend over there tells us that you were driving the car. It's up to you. Do you want to tell us the truth, or do you want us to hear it from your pal?
MP: I don't know what you're talking about.
CT: I don't think he knows anything, GG.
MP: See? See? I don't know anything. All I know is this is SO not fun.
UKB: Oh, I think he knows more than he's letting on. Why do you think I gave that evil grin a while ago?
GG: I think we need to go talk to your friend. Come on, CT. UKB, you watch him. He can't be trusted.
CT: Honey, don't you worry about a thing. UKB will take good care of you.
CT: Okay, Mr. Spacey. I'm not going to fall for your charms like my partner here has, so we're going to get to the bottom of this.
GG: Now, CT, be nice. He hasn't really done anything but try and save you from the hood ornament.
CT: You're right. Thank you Mr. Spacey. But I still want to know, why were you so conveniently at the portapotty?
KS: I was trying to save you from the ch ch ch chia.
CT & GG: NO! You're Keyser Soze!
MP & UKB: A-HA!
MP: See, Simon and Garfunkle ARE going to get back together. You people are so silly.
UKB: Silly? Don't say silly all willy nilly in my presence, Mr. Matthew Perry! I'm British!
CT & GG exchange confused look.
Kevin Spacey: Can I drive?
UKB: I hope to God you can. Since Kevin Spacey's going to be driving, I'm going to have to change the theme song I'm playing.
MP: Could that be any LESS of a threat?
UKB: I think what could be less of a threat is your humour as a weapon.
CT: UKB, don't be nasty to Matthew, please. Kevin, if you want to drive, go right ahead. And since GG looks a little starry eyed, let me show you around the '99 Camry. See here, cupholders. Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, they're in the back seat too! And there's your airbag,
UKB points at MP: And there's YOUR airbag, CT! CT takes GG's crocodile purse, conks UKB on head.
CT: Straighten up and fly right or we'll trade you in for a new model...that Myka is looking a lot less mouthy than you right now...
UKB: (frowns) All right, continue.
CT: And look at all the intermittent wiper speeds!
KS: Wow! But with all your guided tour spieling, it looks like what we really need in here is a defroster!
CT: (pouts, buries face in MP's shoulder) Honey, are you going to let Kevin Spacey talk to me like that?
Matthew Perry opens his mouth to tell off Kevin Spacey, but suddenly UKB is blasting music again.
KS: Is that supposed to be theme music for me?
UKB: Yeah, don't you remember it? It's for your company!
KS: My company?
UKB: Spacely Sprockets, you myrgatroidanal moron!
MP: It's the soundtrack to the Jetsons, all right! UKB, do you want to meet Matt LeBlanc?
UKB: *giggles girlishly* The one who did the movie with Ed the animatronic monkey? Brilliant, that one!
MP: I thought so. I'll have to wangle you an introduction.
GG: All right, that's it, UKB, turn off the damned Jetsons music. This is Kevin Spacey, not Spacely!
MP: Who's Kevin Spacely?
CT: I don't know, but he is so not Kevin Spacely. MP blushes, grins, kisses CT full on the lips in public (insofar as the '99 Camry is considered public when it contains GG, KS, and UKB)
MP: Awww honey, you're talking like me now!
CT: I am so loving talking like you!
More kissing, UKB hurls into the tape deck, small electrical fire ensues, UKB's hair curls up Simmons-like. CT cries tears of joy on the boom box, extinguishes fire.,br>
GG: So I hate to interrupt the bliss of this ride to ask this, but will someone please tell me where we're going? I did NOT bring change for Andy Taylor!
KS: You've got this EZ Pass thing, here, sweetheart.
GG: You don't understand, I don't mean the tolls, I mean I usually like to give the guy something so that he can fill up his tank after work...
CT: You buy Andy Taylor Snapples?
GG: Well...
UKB: There's a question on the table!
MP: Which is better than my elbows any day!
CT: Good one again, honey!
UKB pulls out snare drum, gives MP a little sarcastic fanfare.
KS: We're going to a rest home in California. A very special rest home.
GG: You mean--
UKB crosses arms over her chest, returns to her maniacal, diabolical, completely freaky grinning...
CT: Well, since we're not motion picture stars, we're not going to THAT home... is it... is it...
CT & GG: The Lizard Home for the Elderly Deranged?
UKB pulls down the little arm rest in the back seat and sticks her head in the hole that leads into the trunk and laughs and laughs.
MP: Uh, what is THAT about?
CT: She's just thinking about part 8, that's all. Kiss Me, Kate.
MP: Huh? CT: Oh, did I just say that? I mean, kiss me, Matthew.
CT & MP smooch some more.
KS: Now where in the hell is that cupholder again? It's like they're hidden.
GG: Right here. You know, you're so smart in all your movies. What happened to you?
KS: Oh, that's nice.
CT: UKB, while you're in the trunk, can you please pass me the baby blue Rio phone? I need to make a phone call.
UKB, choking and gasping, hands CT the baby blue Rio phone.
UKB: I don't think you can actually phone out from the car with this. It's not really a mobile, you know.
CT: I KNOW. *rolls eyes* What do you think, I'm Monica-Lewinsky-stupid?
GG: Well, you did mention that yellow tie.
CT conks GG on the head with the crocodile bag.
GG: Ouch! Okay, that's it. No one is hitting anyone else with my bag. It has something very delicate in it, thankyouverymuch.
MP: Aren't we going to stop for some Snapple? I'm kind of thirsty.
KS: These pretzels... are making me... thirsty.
CT, GG, UKB & MP: Oookkaaaay.
GG: You know what, there is not a store between here and Andy's toll booth. Everyone, start looking for change in the seats.
UKB puts another tape into her boom box.
CT: UKB, what are you doing? INXS starts blaring out of the speakers: "don't change for you, don't change a thing... for me"
CT: I don't think that's what she meant by change.
UKB: Oh, isn't it? *starts laughing wildly again.
UKB switches tape (even though the boom box is VERY yucky right now thanks to her lunch making a return appearance and the fire and all) to John Waite's 80s tune about Changes. David Bowie comes next.
CT: GG, I don't think it's right that we're going to actually try to buy Snapple off of Andy Taylor. I mean, the little money he makes these days goes to his food and drink, and here we are, taking it back again--
KS: Recycling, CT, it's very Californian.
GG: Now that's my Smarty Pants! *chucks KS on the chin*
MP: So Gemini Girl, what's in your bag?
GG: *tightens hold on crocodile pocketbook, grimaces* What?
UKB: Your bag, GG. You said you had something very important in it, so we should all stop banging each other round with it!
CT: *nerdy laugh* Is it a banana, GG, like banana republic?
GG: I'd really LIKE to hit you with this, CT. Must you be such a dork?
MP: Easy there, ZZ Bear, stop calling my Pooky names!
CT: It's OK, Matty. I can be a dork. Is it "Into the Arena?"
GG: *scowls* For goodness' sake, CT, does it really look like I could fit a long rectangular box into this purse?
UKB: Mary Poppins fit a hatrack in her carpet bag.
MP: Mary Poppins?
UKB: She's British!
MP: Yeah, UKB, we all know who Mary Poppins is, I just didn't see where she fit in the context of the discussion.
KS: Mary Poppins played percussion?
CT: UKB, please turn down the David Bowie. Kevin can't hear properly.
GG: Yes, and it's distracting. Don't distract him while he's driving.
UKB: He's driving us insane, what difference does it make?
CT: No, he's driving us to an insane ASYLUM. That actually is different, UKB.
UKB: Who do you think I am, Kimmie? Stop correcting me, CT. You're a very doofy American.
MP: I was going to defend you for a second there, but you are in fact a doofy American, honey.
CT: I'm your doofy American, honey!
MP: Awwww....you're cuter than a button! *kissing*
CT: Am I cuter than Salma Hayek in "Fools Rush In?"
KS: You're not cuter than Salma Hayek in a mudpit.
UKB: And she has experience in mudpits, you know, Mr. Spacely!
MP, CT, GG: SPACEY!
UKB: Good gravy, you DO think I'm Kimmie! Correct me again and I'll report you to Rain Taylor. They don't like people who make corrections in the Zoid Homeworld!
MP: The Zoid Homeworld?
UKB: *smirks* So anyways, GG, what's in your bag?
GG: Oh, that again, can we give that a rest? It's not polite to ask a woman what's in her purse.
CT: Thank you, Miss Manners.
GG: You're welcome. Now, Kevin, pull up to the fourth tollbooth from the right. Yep, yep...NO!!!!
CT: What is it, GG?
UKB stifles raucous laughter. Matthew Perry's eyes open wide. Kevin, experiencing a nervous spasm in his leg, activates GG's ABS.
GG: That's not Andy Taylor in the tollbooth! That's---
... ...you goofy American.
UKB: It's... it's... The Zoid Queen!
GG: NO NO NO!! Get away from the tollbooth! He can't see us!
MP & KS: He?
UKB: *smirks again*
CT: It's too late. He's seen us. Okay, I have to think of something to make him chortle and spew. I sometimes do that, you know.
GG & UKB: Yes, we know.
MP: What is a Zoid?
KS: Avoid the Noid.
CT: No, that's Domino's Pizza, dummy.
GG: You'll get a 'rhoid.
UKB grabs the crocodile purse and conks GG on the head and hands it back to GG.
UKB: You just said that to try and rhyme.
GG: I TOLD you not to do that!
UKB: Sozz!
CT: Why do you say sozz when you mean sorry?
UKB: I'M BRITISH!
MP: We know.
KS: Shhhhhhh we're at the booth and there's a man in a blonde wig and some starfleet outfit on...
CT gets out of car, curtsies, gets back in car.
GG: Where's Andy? We want some Snapple for the gas tank.
ZQ: Andy's not here right now.
KS: *rolls eyes* Really, now THAT'S a good observation. I think I could have figured that out.
UKB: Jesus, will you not talk to the Zoid Queen like that? Don't you know he has punishers and such?
ZQ: That's okay,
UKB. He'll come around. After all, resistance is futile.
CT: I've heard that, yes.
MP: I don't know what you people are talking about, but this is starting to freak me out.
CT: Don't you worry, my little grape nut, nothing's going to happen to you.
GG: I wouldn't be so sure... look! *points into the next toll booth*
UKB, CT, MP & KS: *collective gasp*
A little woozy because the collective gasps of UKB, CT, MP, and KS have sucked the oxygen out of the I90 East-West branchoff, Zoid Queen stumbles toward the tollbooth that has captured everyone's attention.
A man is standing, staring at the group. Zoid Queen plants a big kiss on the man's temple.
ZQ: They've arrived.
Little boy with red ball scurries out of the booth, tells man kissed by Zoid Queen,
LBwRB: Thank goodness. I'm plum tuckered. I need a nap. And new shoes.
The man steps out of the booth, his tight baby blue rubber pants cutting a stunning image against the Sturbridge horizon. "Hiya, this is Simon from Duran Duran, and I'd like to say, I'd like to wish you--"
CT & GG: Oh. My. God.
MP (twirls around, ducks) JANICE??????!!!
UKB (thwacks MP with crocodile pocket book. It falls open. Sarah Michelle Gellar 63-in-One makeup products, ColorStay lipstick, Revlon eyeshadow, and neon lizards spill onto the highway.) You dunce, she's not here! And her name isn't really Janice!
CT: Hummanasummana...
GG: Blurtybloop....
SleB: Ladies. I've been trying to reach you. (His hands come from behind his back to reveal that he is holding the baby blue Rio phone.)
UKB: Very snazzy, love, your phone matches your trousers!
KS: Were you in Tears for Fears?
UKB: Good Lord, why is everyone in CT's stories so bloody STUPID?
CT: Heblebbabba...
GG (nodding) Keplagoogala....
MP (reeling from the blunt head blow) I know who you are...you're Garfunkel!
SleB: Which one of you brought him? (GG points at CT, who is pointing at UKB, who is pointing at KS, who is scratching his head.)
CT: (takes deep breath, forces herself to speak English) Simon! You're here! And your hair is combed back! And you have completely normal sunglasses on!
UKB: (scrunches up nose) Yeah, how is this happening?
SleB: It's CT's story, I look like she wants me to look.
GG: You look really good, Simon. And I see you're waving your banana republic membership pass at us!
CT (clamps hand on GG's mouth) GG, don't be rude! Simon, you've been trying to reach us all this time?
SleB: (sizes up MP, KS) Am I to speak freely?
ZQ: What, are you worried Matthew Perry and Kevin Spacey are going to harm you? Do you also find yourself frightened of stuffed animals and Crabtree & Evelyn products?
SleB: Zoidy, you're a bit random, love. Anyhow, I need to talk to you about some things I've been hearing.
UKB: Go on.
SleB: Well, first off, it's a bit disconcerting that you're both (points at GG & CT) supposed to be utterly smitten with me, and yet, I find you here with these two blokes...
GG throws CT's arm off of her face.
GG: I can explain. We're just using them.
KS & MP: Using us?
UKB & CT: Using them?
GG smiles.
GG: Well, yeah. You're the one we want, Simon, but CT & I don't like to fight over you. So we found these other guys that we can accompany to awards shows, and you know...get a little action from when SSL has you assigned elsewhere.
SleB (turns to CT) Is this true?
CT: I don't get action. I'm Irish Catholic.
MP: Could no one have told me this BEFORE I dumped Julia Roberts?
UKB: Is sex everything with you men?
MP, KS, ZQ, SleB look blankly at UKB, then laugh, knowing she must be kidding.
UKB sighs in exasperation, begins applying GG's makeup on her own face.
CT: Simon, you're married. Gem and I do love you, but if we pinned all our hopes on you, we'd be really alone, really depressed, and let's be honest, Matty's pretty funny and cute!
SleB: Doesn't he look a bit like Barney Rubble?
CT: Simon! (GG, UKB, KS, ZQ bite lips to avoid laughing)
(Simon places hand on CT's shoulder, rubs affectionately. GG sidles up to Simon's other side & purrs. Simon rubs her shoulder too.)
KS: Are you purring?
(GG hisses at Kevin Spacey. No one seems affected by the long line of traffic now caused by this exchange at the interchange.)
SleB: All right, I don't like that you're seeing other men, but I suppose I understand that it takes many real men to start to measure up to the fulfillment of your ideal, me.
UKB: Bit full of yourself, aren't you Simon? I mean really, Nick never talks like this. (lines lips)
SleB: Darling UKB, we'll work on your issues next. Why you refuse to understand that I'm far more attractive than Nick I'll never know...
KS: You ARE attractive...
GG (steps on Kevin's foot) Will you never understand that this is how rumours get started, Kev-O?
ZQ: While this is fun, folks, we don't have all day. Simon, why don't you tell them what you really need from them?
SleB: Right. It's about this shallow pool you two sometimes play in.
UKB (raises hand) I've been in that pool, too.
KS: I haven't necessarily been in the pool, but I've been adjacent to it, smoothing cocoa butter on GG while catching a few rays of my own...
GG: (steps on Kevin's other foot) Could you not use the words "adjacent" or "smoothing," Kevin? You're being weird.
CT: What about the pool, Simon? You look upset.
SleB: You have no idea.
(UKB cackles as Simon seems ready to break down and cry.)
CT: I don't understand what you're saying.
GG: Was it the brown floaty thing in the pool that upset you? That was only a granola bar, you know.
KS: Uh, no, actually, it wasn't.
MP: I'm SO not getting this.
CT: You mean the brown floaty thing in the shallow pool was not, in fact, a granola bar, but instead something... different?
KS: Yes. Must you repeat everything I say?
SleB: Look, this is getting us nowhere and I don't want to discuss the pool.
MP: Right, let's find out about this poor boy and his shoes.
UKB: Do you need a cobbler, little boy? I think I've got one in my cupboard. You know the boys of Duran wear a lot of different shoes. You remember the white jazz shoes of the 80's, don't you? My cobbler fixed those.
LBwRB: I just want a pair of Converse High-Tops. I'm sick of chasing this red ball, you know? I just want to be like other kids, and instead I've got to run after the ball all. day. long. Then my mother puts me in cereal commercials, and I want to sing instead.
SleB: Okay, kid. Not another word out of you.
LBwRB: Why? These people need to know.
ZQ: I don't think I want to know anymore. Please drive through.
CT: What do we need to know?
GG: Please please tell me now.
UKB: Is there something I should know?
KS & MP: Is there something I should say?
SleB: Okay, I don't know if you people are making fun of me or not, but don't listen to anything this little snot-nosed kid has to say.
LBwRB: What about getting me a pair of pink leopard print trousers?
CT: I think we could find you the pink fuzzy hats. You know, I frequent the stores that sell those.
MP: *huge grin* You do? Simon, you stay away from her, she's mine!
SleB: NO! I want her! Especially since I know where she shops!
GG: CT, your guilt wouldn't allow you on the same street as one of those shops and you know it.
LBwRB: Could someone please listen to what I'm trying to tell you. I'm trying to say that I'm--
UKB: Look! Zoid Queen just ran out of the booth! Wait! Duran Duran RULES!!!! Where are you going?
KS: Matthew, I think we're out of the loop on this whole thing. I don't know anything about this guy, and this kid here is talking about pink leopard print trousers. I think I'm just going to go hang out with the usual suspects down at Central Perk.
MP: How YOU doin'?
CT: Wrong person, dummy.
MP: Oh. I SO knew that. Whatevah.
UKB (putting on tangerine eye shadow): Okay, now you're Nick? I'm so confused
LBwRB: LISTEN TO ME! I'm trying to tell you that I'm--
*Simon clutches his chest, dials 911 on the baby blue Rio phone*
SleB into phone: I'm about to be exposed! Someone... please... please...
Suddenly, the Hebert's Candy Factory near the intersection of 495 and I90 in MA blows up. Simon hangs up the phone quickly.
SleB: Damn it, it's not the Rio phone...it's the A View to a Kill phone! I've just blown something up!
Zoid Queen: I hate it when that happens.
GG: Don't be a hypocrite, Zoidy.
ZQ: You're right. I love explosions. Love em more than Nyquil.
LBwRB: Excuse me? (tugs at CT's jacket sleeve. CT picks up little boy, never one to resist the charms of a small child.)
CT: What is it sweetie?
SleB: Whatever you do, CT,don't--
LBwRB: I love you! I wish you would be my mommy!
CT (so moved by the tyke, she begins to cry. Crystal tears fall as snowflakes on his body...but wait...as the tears wet the little boy, he is suddenly transformed into BROOKE SHIELDS.)
BS: Oh thank God. (hugs CT, who falls over)
CT: Excuse me, Brooke Shields?
BS: I just wanted to sing, that's all. But my mother, she made me start off in these Wheaties commercials, and then she pushed me into movies...finally, I just put a hat on so no one would realize I was a girl, changed into Black and White, took the red ball from the Wheaties job, and got a gig in a Duran Duran video. Simon said I could sing with the band, but they ended up dubbing me out and just using the footage of me chasing the ball.
MP: This so does NOT make any sense whatsoever. First of all, you definitely were not a little boy in Blue Lagoon, and second, you have been on Suddenly Susan in color for a few seasons now. I know-- I work for the same network as you!
CT: She did marry Andre Agassi, who chased a yellow ball...
KS: In the unibrow days, she did resemble a hairy man...
(Simon lies prone on the ground, beating the asphalt with his fists and feet.)
SleB: Don't you people see?
UKB: I really want to cackle, but I have to admit, even I'm at a total loss right now for what's going on, be it good or evil...
GG (whips out magnifying glass from her chest protector, holds it up to her eye) I think I know exactly what the story is here! And I'm not going to sugar coat it. No, babies, you're gonna taste the full sting of THIS grapefruit!
(ZQ, MP, CT, UKB look at each other and shudder. Simon stops flailing and sobs puddles onto the interstate. Brooke Shields funnels some Snapple out of GG's Camry, a little dehydrated from all the running and chasing in black and white.)
SleB: Please don't expose me! What will I do?
GG: Well you should have thought of THAT before you went off and married someone else when I was 13, hmmmmmm?
CT: You mean, you knew him when you were 13, GG?
GG: Well, no.
UKB: But she thinks he should have known that she was out there, right?
GG: Exactly.
MP: Makes no sense to me. I'm leaving
KS: So are you telling me you no longer want to go to the awards with me?
GG: Well, no, not exactly.
KS: You want me and you want him?
CT: Well, she's got to share him with a lot of people, you know.
UKB: And there's only so much room in my cupboard.
MP: Would someone please explain.
CT: bah na na na na
MP: The reason for this strange behaviour?
CT: bah na na na na
MP: In exploitation's name...
LBwRB aka BS: Speaking of exploiting, what is it that you were going to expose?
GG: Well, you all know that Duran Duran broke up in 1987 and reunited for this Let It Fly tour, right?
SleB: NO.
GG: So, where do you think Mr. Smarty-pink-leopard-print-Pants was for those 13 years, hmmmm?
SleB: Please, I'll give you all the grapefruit you want.
CT: I bet you put sugar on it too, just like UKB, don't you?
SleB: Well, I AM British!
GG: Nope, not good enough. You broke my heart when I was 13, so now I'm going to--
BS: (*starts gasping and choking*) Help! Dial 911! This isn't Snapple!
SleB: 911 is a JOKE.
Previously, on "Tollbooth Trauma..."
SleB: 911 is a JOKE!
Now, today's very special edition of "Tollbooth Trauma." Parental Advisory: May contain nudity or graphic language.
SleB: 911 is a JOKE!
Zoid Queen: WE KNOW! For bloody hell, will you stop saying that?
(Though he is afraid that LBwRB aka BS will reveal his secrets, Simon has a Jean Valjean moment and forsakes his own selfish concerns to save the life of this hapless victim. He begins to perform CPR. We have no idea why CPR is working on a person who has obviously ingested some petroleum byproduct versus the suspected Snapple, but as this is CT's story anything goes.)
KS: She's coming around!
GG: Ask her what the deal was with Michael Jackson!
MP: (was leaving, but at the sudden medical emergency he found himself unable to abandon this group of...all right, I'll say it...FRIENDS) Does it sort of look like she's--
CT: Oh. My. GAWD!
MP: (ducks, spins around) JANICE?!
UKB: (Takes flat-backed hairbrush out of GG's purse, cracks MP over the scalp with it.) You MUST get the clue that Janice is a character on your show!
While MP & UKB squabble, something amazing has caught the attention of CT, KS, and GG. At this point, Zoid Queen has gone back inside a tollbooth because getting change from people is more worthwhile than watching this melodrama unfold. But that's not what CT, KS, and GG are mesmerized by. It seems that Simon's face was still wet with tears as he administered CPR, and the wetness is morphing Brooke Shields into...
GG: Do you smell that?
CT: Mmm...is that 2 in 1 Pert?
GG: No! It's...
CT: Oh God, don't say it, GG...
GG: PANTENE!
CT: No!!!!
KS: This little boy with the red ball is like a freaking Everlasting Gobstopper!
Instantly, LBwRBakaBS is Yasmin le Bon.
Yasmin: (sits up, looks around at crowd gathered) What's going on?
Simon stands, walks a little bit away from the group, making fists, looking like he's been caught with his hand in a jar full of Mallomars.
MP escapes UKB's pounding wrist.
MP: Hi! You're be-yoo-ti-ful!
CT: (elbows MP in the ribs) Hey! I lost one to her already, don't get any ideas.
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Simon John Charles le Bon, are these people fans? Are you having dalliances with the fans again? (whips head around to look sternly at UKB, CT, GG, KS) Have any of you snogged Simon?
UKB: Ah, finally, we're starting to level the playing field with people who speak the Queen's English!
GG: Didn't. Want to.
CT: Yasmin, I've had some impure thoughts. For my penance I wish to--
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Sod off!
CT: (looking as if she has been slapped) Excuse me?
MP: Something about fertilizer, hon.
UKB: I'm going to really really hurt you.
MP: Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?
KS: Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon, you come and go...you come and go...o...o..o!
SleB: (marches over to KS, gets in his face) Those are NOT our songs!
KS: Boy George isn't your keyboardist?
Simon cocks fist, raises it over KS's cheekbone.
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Simon, put your hand down.
(SleB immediately recoils fist, puts hands in rubber pants pockets.)
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Aren't we getting a bit off topic? People, what are you doing here with my husband?
UKB: Well, we were headed to the Lizard Home for the Elderly Deranged when suddenly Simon threw us a red herring.
CT: Do you know that Georgeschick hates seafood?
GG, MP, KS, LBwRBakaBSakaYleB, UKB stare at CT as if she is the most random person on the face of the planet. ZQ begins clapping between tollpayers.
SleB: I knew that actually.
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: How did you know that, and who the hell is Georgeschick?
GG: aka Gorgeouschick.
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: HOW gorgeous?
CT: Wait a minute. Yasmin, are you going to sit there and tell us that you were the little boy in the "Is There Something I Should Know" video? Because I'm going to have a really hard time buying that.
UKB throws head back, and, well...you know....
she cackles, etc., as Simon seems ready to break down and cry (again).
GG: This guy really is such a cry baby, you know?
ZQ (raises arms): Don't cry for me, Argentina, the truth is--
UKB: Shouldn't you be collecting change?
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Which one of you shagged the crybaby-- er, Simon? He wouldn't be here otherwise. You know how angry I get when this happens. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
SleB (fighting back tears): No, you really wouldn't. (*looks at UKB*) She's right, you know.
UKB: Why is she turning green?
CT: When is this going to end? How many people can this Little Boy with Red Ball actually change in to?
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: I'm not changing into anything. I think I got some bad Snapple.
MP: I could SO give you mouth to mouth.
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: No, you couldn't. Why do you talk that way?
MP: It's the writers. I don't know why they continue. I beg them to make it stop, but they SO don't care.
KS: Soooo, are you going to be leaving this guy? He's very obviously interested in these these birds.
GG: Why are you talking that way, Kevin? You're not British, and don't call us birds.
KS: What? He's obviously very interested in the birds that are up in that tree. See?
*points to SleB, who is standing with his hands still in his rubber trouser pockets, staring into a tree at red-breasted robins and a couple of woodpeckers*
LBwRBakaBSakaYleB: Simon, you've got to come home and load the dishwasher. *to CT, GG, UKB, ZQ, MP, KS* Someone's got to make him load the dishwasher.
SleB *sighs*: Well then, I'm taking my ball and going ho--
UKB *gasps loudly*: It's YOU! YOU'RE the boy with the red ball! THAT'S what the video is about! It's YOU!
GG & CT: Huh?
MP: This time I'm really leaving. I just don't care about this guy.
KS: This is starting to sound like the Usual Suspects, but now even I'm confused.
UKB: Don't you see?
CT, GG, MP, & KS get into a huddle and start whispering...
UKB: I know it. Simon is the Little Boy with the Red Ball.
GG: Simon is his wife?
MP: Simon is Brooke Shields?
KS: Simon is an ornithologist.
GG smiles, bells go off above her head.
GG: Kevin, honey, I love how smart you are. You know words like ornithologist!
KS: Thank you. I also know the word obscurity, like "it's getting so dark outside that everything seems to be fading into obscurity."
GG: (swoons like Darla over Alfalfa but over Kevin Spacey not Simon because in CT's story Simon does not look like Alfalfa.) You can use them in context too!! Mah hero!
UKB: Basically, what Simon doesn't want you to know is that there is no Yasmin. There is only what you see of his life, the autobiography he has written for all of you and shared with you in his videos.
CT: No Yasmin?
GG: Yeah, please tell me there's no Bruce Banner, either. Because the whole Hulk thing gives me the creeps.
CT: Shh!! UKB, go on.
UKB: Simon is looking for something. In "ITSISK," for instance, he's just a little boy looking for the meaning to life that's bigger than his playthings, bigger than mirrors, bigger than learning the motor skills required to climb steep staircases, bigger than tucking your tie into your shirt.
CT & GG: Yesssss....
UKB: In "Hungry Like the Wolf," he's going through that market on a tear, looking for sweet grapefruit, looking for the wild thrill of the jungle, looking for something to counteract a bad time with peroxide.
CT & GG: Uh huh.....
UKB: In "Do You Believe in Shame,"
GG: Back to the black and white-- he's reverting to his childhood!
UKB: Hey, why don't you leave the psychoanalysis to Kimmie and stick with me, Zodiac Chick!
MP: Zodiac...Zodiac...Zoid?
Zoid peeks out of tollbooth, overhears Matthew Perry's musings, steps toward the group.
ZQ: Why, Gemini Girl, I feel a sudden connection to you!
GG: You do?
ZQ: Yes. Kevin Spacey has attached us with Silly String.
Everyone looks at Kevin Spacey, who sure enough is binding the group together with Silly String.
MP: What are you doing? What are you doing? What. Are. You. Insufferably. Doing!
KS: I long to be close to you.
CT: Fa...la...la....la...la...
SleB: Why do birds suddenly appear, every time..you are near?
Robins in nearby tree provide brief musical interlude.
(Kevin reels Simon in very close to CT. CT begins to blush.)
CT: And you wanted to dance, so I asked you to dance
UKB: But fear is in your soul!
CT & Simon, about to fall into a passionate clinch, are disrupted by UKB's outburst.
CT & SleB: What?
UKB: You heard what I said.
SleB: CT, are you afraid of me, darling tigerbaby love?
CT: I...
SleB: What's to be afraid of, sweet morningdove bluejay pheasant?
CT: Well...
MP: Are you afraid that you have feelings for me that will never allow you to be completely fulfilled by this guy?
CT: Nope.
KS: Are you afraid of getting silly string in your hair?
UKB: It is a very nice Rene Russoish cut, but no, I don't think she's that prissy, much to TLM's chagrin.
KS: Good. (shoots string into CT's coif)
SleB: What then? Are you afraid that there won't be enough of me left for Gemini Girl? Because I can tell you right now, that's not going to be a problem. She is definitely on deck, that one.
CT: I think you don't understand how deathly allergic I am to penicillin. I think you don't understand what erythromycin does to my stomach. I think you don't know what hives are until you've seen me pop a sulfa pill.
SleB, rubbing CT's back: Ah, the disease thing. You're worried. Honestly, so many of you worry about the diseases...I'm clean!
MP: Compared to?
ZQ: Three Mile Island.
KS: The bottom of a dog trainer's sneaker.
UKB: The inside of this purse! (tips GG's pocketbook upside down, it begins dripping foundation, OPI nailpolish, and nacho cheese)
GG: UKBOBBA-RELLA!
UKB: I don't like how you say that!
CT: Now you sound like Ling.
KS: The panda?
CT: Argh! Why is everyone in my stories so stupid???!!!
GG (getting silly stringed in so tightly with CT & Simon that she is now having some trouble breathing): I know why. There's a perfectly good explanation as to why everyone in your stories is so stupid. And it has to do with--
(GG's words are drowned out as a large object comes speeding toward the group who are now fluorescently helpless to get out of its way!)