Even more mayhem from the deranged LK loonies...CT and Gemini Girl!!
But behind them is another roar - the thunderous roar of applause.
GG: Are we back in 1984 again?
CT: No, I don't think so. It's awfully warm, and ... look! There's Matt Damon!
GG: Leave him alone, CT. Don't you have enough on your plate right now?
CT: Good point. What is this, though?
GG: Oh. My. God.
MP (whips head around) Janice?
CT: You've really got to get a clue, Matty. What is it?
GG: We're at the Oscars!
KS: Holy cow!
SleB: What are we doing at the Oscars? We're not actors.
KS: Well SOME of us are.
MP: Yeah. SOME of us are.
KS: I didn't really mean you.
MP: Right. Sorry, sir.
KS: It was a joke. I'm kidding. Jeeze, lighten up there, party boy.
NR: Are we nominated for an Oscar?
UKB: I don't think so, dear. Mr. Spacely is, though
GG & CT: Spacey!
UKB: What? I'm not spacey.
CT: His name. His name is Spacey.
UKB: Right, I keep doing that, don't I.
KS: Where am I going to get a tux at this hour? All of the tuxedos in L.A. are gone. What am I going to wear?
GG: Lookey here, folks! A rack of clothes, right behind the smoldering wreckage of the Weinermobile. Isn't that convenient?
MP: Now how can that be?
CT: It's her story, she can have clothes. And I'm certainly not going into the Oscars looking like a reject from Grease.
KS: This tuxedo seems to fit me perfectly!
SleB: I feel like Bond. James Bond.
NR: You look like Bon. Simon leBon.
SleB: Hmph.
CT: What do you think of this dress?
GG: It's lovely! And your haircut and color look just fabulous. That wench Joan Rivers won't say anything about this getup tomorrow.
UKB: And me?
CT: You look just like Gwyneth Paltrow in that pink dress and the pink shoes... and the pink hair. Okay, maybe not exactly like Gwyneth.
KS: Come on, stop gabbing about the clothes. You Catholic girls start much too late.
NR: Now is that necessary, bringing religion into the whole thing?
CT (pinches Nick's cheek) Billy Joel again, dear. You really must diversify your music collection.
SleB: I can't help myself, it's a new religion. *from the crowd, a voice yells* It's a MOOOOOO religion!
UKB: Leave poor Nick alone. He's just tired and overwhelmed. Look at all the screaming fans.
NR: They're not screaming for me. They're screaming for him! *points to Kevin*
GG: My Kevin. I'm so proud.
UKB: See, I told you he'd take you the next time 'round. It was just because you were feeling a bit under the weather is all.
GG: I know. Isn't he the best?
KS: I rule!
GG: Enough with the line from the movie. You're not Lester. Right? He was a freak.
KS: Okay, I won't say it anymore. Unless I win. Then I'm going to say I rule.
CT: Don't say it onstage though. Say it afterwards, to us only. Don't you remember what happened to that Cameron guy who thought he was the "king of the world?" They should do a "Where Are They Now?" on him.
KS: I see your point.
UKB: I think we ought to go inside now. Smile and wave to the fans. Smile! Smile! Hey! Stop throwing things! The group make their way into the auditorium, down to their seats. Finding their row, they step over people to get to their seats.
CT: Sorry Mr. Spielberg. Ooops. Ouch. Matt, sorry. Winona, too. *whispers to GG* Not really sorry for that one! *giggle*
GG: Okay, no more stepping on the significant others of your faraway crushes. It's just not right.
UKB: Sshhhhhh. Billy's starting his song.
NR: Billy Joel is here? Oh, good! Now I can hear some of his stuff.
CT: No. Billy Crystal.
SleB: I thought he was an actor.
KS: He is. What is wrong with all of you people?
MP (craning his neck) I think I see Julia!
CT: Will you get over her already? It's been two years and you went out on two dates.
MP: Now how do you know that?
CT: I am omnicient.
GG: Know it all.
CT: Exactly.
SleB: Can everyone be quiet please? I've been waiting for this night my entire life.
GG: But Simon, you're not nominated for anything.
SleB: I tell you Tumbuddy's fooling around with my chances. And would you look at that? Who would wear orange pants to an awards ceremony? Announcer: And the Oscar goes to--
KS: It's me it's me it's memememememememe.
UKB: Oh. My. God. *points down the aisle to a suspiciously familiar jawline*
As Kevin bounds toward the stage, UKB elbows GG & CT then points ferociously. Her mouth is gaping. Nick, alarmed by his lady in pink, turns to see what she is pointing at. He gasps.
NR: Is that TPT?
SleB: No, you silly imbecile of a clod! That's John!
NR (squints) Oh yeeeeeah...it is!
(The group is unaware that because Kevin has won the Oscar, the crowd-cam is frozen on them while he makes his way to the front of the room. International television now chronicles all of their pointing and whispering.) Annette Bening, meanwhile, is uncomfortable and rather crotchety. So she pulls her odd tulle wrap around GG's throat.
AB: Listen, can you see that Kevin's just won?
GG: Huh? (begins to turn blue, as Annette does not realize her own stout strength at the moment.)
NR: Unhand her, you large loser!
Warren Beatty, still weeping, sets Annette back down in her seat. UKB has used her Swiss Army Knife (which was built into her hosiery like Melanie Griffith's diamonds were) to free GG. GG gasps for air.
WB: What I will tell my baby about this night--
GG: Can it, Bulworth! Kevin's about to make his speech!
Jennifer Aniston, meanwhile, is pelting MP in the back of his head with Goobers, trying to get his attention. The girls twist in their seats.
CT: (laughs, because she now considers herself such an insider with the Friends cast) It's Jen! She's tossing Goobers at you!
UKB: At an affair like this, she's picking her nose?
GG: UKB, Goobers are chocolate covered peanut candies!
UKB: (turns up nose) Well, they're not Cadbury, and they're not British!
MP (speaks out of side of his mouth) You guys, I think we're being filmed. Settle down. Why is Jen throwing Goobers at me?
CT: I don't know, but it's certainly worth it to see Brad. His hair is nice and short again, and his ridiculous facial hair is gone...
GG: Hubba hubba, you're right, CT! Brad is lookin' good!
UKB: That don't impress me much. (Suddenly, UKB peels off the bottom of her frock to reveal that she is wearing the pink version of that black thing Shania Twain performed in at the Grammys two years ago. GG & CT exchange the "OK" sign again. They are VERY corny looking when they do this.)
KS: And obviously, I don't want to make the same mistake Hilary Swank did. I can't forget to thank the most important person in my life for the love and support they have given me...especially in the past week. This person has really been there for me (MP smirks) during a particularly trying time. You know, people think that you get the limelight on you, and boom, your life is perfect. Sometimes perfection is even more elusive at this point, because you're blinded...well, as they say, kill that light it's so bright and you're shining it right in my eyes.
GG: (squeezes CT & UKB's hands) He's going to talk about me ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!
UKB: You should be crying. Chad Lowe cried.
GG: Oh! (Digs into Dolce & Gabbana purse, grabs Visine, shoots it all over her cheekbones & feigns look of emotional outburst.)
KS: So, really, the best way to acknowledge this person, and what this person has come to mean to me, is to ask this person to come up here and accept this award right alongside of me.
CT: Well, he can't be pulling a Ving Rhames...he's already given shouts out to Lemmon...GG, I hope you can walk in those shoes! GG rises.
KS: Simon le Bon, will you please join me?
Simon leaps to his feet, gives Nick high-five, runs to the stage.
SleB: Hiya, I'm Simon from Juran Juran. By acknowledging Kevin Spacely tonight--
(Billy Crystal screams from stage right: )
BC: Nooooo! Kevin! How can you do this to me on national television?
KS: I'm sorry, Billy. I've come to realize how much Simon really means to me.
BC starts sobbing. Crowd Cam is on Nick, smiling, tears streaming down his face running his mascara.
NR: I'm so happy for Simon. He always wanted to be onstage at the Academy Awards.
CT: You mean, he's not up there solely for the purpose of supporting Kevin?
NR: You're catching on.
GG (sobbing) Both of them - gone! Just like that.
CT: Didn't you hear what Nick said? Simon doesn't really love Kevin.
GG: *gasp* Really?
UKB: Please pay attention. I know you're feeling a bit star struck right now, but there are a lot of things going on.
MP: Look, I'm going to go and say hello to Julia.
CT: Don't you see she's with her boyfriend?
MP: Yeah, but compare the two. No, really - compare us. How can he even compare? What? Why are you all laughing at me? Stop it! HEY! Stop it!
UKB: Nothing compares to you.
GG: Let's go outside and wait. I don't know what is going to happen now that our time machine is all screwed up.
NR (still crying) I can't. I have to sit here for a moment and regain my composure. I'm sorry, you go ahead.
UKB: Oh, get your whiney a$$ up off the chair and MOVE!
CT: UKB, you're very forceful today.
UKB: I'm just in a mood.
MP: How do you think I feel? You're all laughing at me.
They all file outside, and they stand in the Los Angeleeeees sunshine. They all whip on their shades.
UKB: It's really bright here. We don't get much sun where I live.
MP: It's always sunny here in California. That's why I live here.
GG: Then why are you so pale?
CT (grabs GG's Dolce & Gabbana purse and conks her on the head with it) Be nice to him!
GG: I'm sorry. For some reason I feel this intense, burning need to pick on him.
Simon and Kevin join them.
SleB: Look at that! The cars are stretched all the way from Highland ... back to La Brea.
KS (points out over the Hollywood Hills) The clouds! They're building...
NR: Like great... dark... towers of rain.
CT: Let me guess. That guy there is on his way to make a pickup
GG: On his way to make a pickup
KS: Of course he's on his way to make a pickup. He's picking US up.
UKB: Where will he be taking us?
KS: Of that, I'm not so sure.
CT: Confidence inspiring, really.
MP: Alright everyone - done laughing at me? Can we GO now?
They all pile into the limousine, and the chauffeur takes off.
TC: Where to?
KS: The biggest Hollywood bash there is. You know why? Because I RULE.
CT: Oh, Kevin, I'm so glad you listened to me. You waited until we were alone before you said it. You'll thank me tomorrow.
SleB: Who wants some bubbly? Hmmm? Anyone? Crystal, I know you do!
Simon moves over next to CT, puts his arm around her, gives her a champagne glass and pours.
CT: Aww, jeez, Simon! You just poured this on my dress!
SleB: I'm sorry, love. Let me get that for you.
Simon puts the bottle of champagne on the floor, and starts to mop up Crystal Tears.
CT: Uh, Simon, watch the hand please.
SleB: Huh? Oh, right. Sorry - forgot there were other people here!
The limousine snakes along in the traffic. The Chauffeur turns off the air, rolls down the window, and begins... to sweat.
NR: Excuse me! Can you please turn the air back on! My makeup is starting to run.
CT: Really, mine too.
Everyone agrees, nodding their heads.
TC (slowly putting the windows back up with a glance into the rear view mirror) I'm sorry, of course.
GG: I'm a little suspicious of him. His hat is riding rather low, and with those sunglasses, I can't see his eyes.
CT: I don't trust anyone who's eyes I can't see. And people with no lips. I don't trust anyone with thin lips.
UKB: Well his lips are okay. Actually, they're rather sultry.
CT: I'm just sayin'...
KS: Does anyone want to talk about my Academy Award? Anyone at all?
GG: Kevin, we're all so proud of you. You did a wonderful job in the movie, and your acceptance speech was...
CT: Frankly, your speech was lacking. I could have done a better job.
KS: Well why didn't you tell me that before?
CT: You bounded out of your seat like Roberto Begnini on crack, how was I supposed to say anything to you?
KS: Mmm, good point. Next time.
TC: If there is a next time...
The chauffeur pulls over on the side of the road, the doors lock...
Cue Scary Music!
NR: (to UKB) The front of your dress is all shadowy lined, and the droning engine throbs in time with your beating heart!
UKB: You're a little LOVE, you know that? (smooches Nick)
(GG notices that Simon is staring out the limo window, not really paying attention to what's going on. She pokes CT in the arm, and says very calmly, quietly) : CT, something is up with our driver. I don't want to alarm Simon...you saw how he got in the flaming weinermobile.
CT: (equally calmly, quietly) I know. The driver just locked us in, and is pulling the car over.
GG: Whaddowedo?
CT: I'll go talk to the driver.
GG: CT, no, it's too risky!
CT: I have to. It's for Simon. And for you, GG, my new close friend. I have spent so much time with you in the last few weeks that I cannot bear the thought of losing you!
(CT swoons, wipes brow.)
GG: CT, you are the bravest woman I know.
CT: (places hand over her heart) Give me liberty, or give me death!
GG: Huh?
CT: I have only begun to fight!
GG: Wha?
CT: We have nothing to fear but fear itself!
GG: CT, are you out of your mind?
CT: I know I let you down, Daddy, but you let me down, too!
GG: Now come on, CT, that's not a famous patriot! You're quoting Baby Houseman from "Dirty Dancing" again!
CT punches out wall between chauffeur & passenger area. Slides over the seat to sit with the chauffeur.
CT: All right, what's the story morning glory?
Chauffeur twists moustache, looks at CT out of corner of his eye, clears his throat nervously.
TC: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
CT: You've locked us in, pulled over on the freeway, and my champagne, what little of it Simon did not spill into my cleavage, tasted suspiciously like unleaded Snapple.
TC: It did? (reddens)
CT: It did. That's it, mister, the gig is up!
(GG giggles from back seat.)
GG: She's so Joe Friday!
CT: (whips head around to glare at GG) Clam up, missy, I'm doin' the talkin' now. I'm gonna get to the bottom of the tomfoolery goin' on here once and for all! (Yanks at the Chauffeur's moustache. It comes off in her hand. She knocks his cap off backwards-- it falls into Simon's lap, alerting him to the drama unfolding. We have no idea why CT punching out the divider between the two areas of the car did not effectively rouse him from his daydreaming. UKB & Nick stop snogging for a moment. Spacey and Perry are now paying attention too.)
KS: Oh. My. God.
MP: Could we all just make a pact to STOP SAYING THAT?
CT: Jim Carrey! What are you doing in my story? I don't even like you!!
UKB: I don't like you, either. You're not funny.
JC: What do you know about funny, you're British!
UKB (sniffs audibly, sticks nose up in air, manhandles Nick a little, much to Nick's pleasure. He lets her smooch his neck while he watches the intrigue in the front seat.)
GG: There's a question on the table, Jimbo. What are you doing here?
JC: Oh, right, what am I --someone not even nominated for a flippetyflubbedy Oscar-- doing in the same car with Kevin "I Rule" Spacey? Cause I'm not as good an actor as Kevin "I ride a scooter" Spacey? Cause my movie isn't as good as Kevin "I'm a serious thespian" Spacey? Cause the Academy doesn't care as much about me as they do about Kevin "I can be buff, I can be flabby all in the same film" Spacey?
GG: Well, there's the answer. He's going to kill us all because he's in a jealous rage over Kevin's success and the fact that he's not getting recognition as a serious actor.
CT: Thanks for the synopsis, GG!
(CT & GG exchange that "OK" sign again. UKB flips them the bird. Simon gets funny look in his eye.)
SleB: It'll take my little finger to blow you away!
CT grins.
CT: There's the Simon I know and love!
GG: Really!! (snuggles with Simon.)
MP: Perhaps we could divert our attention to the madman who is driving our vehicle?
NR: He's not driving. Don't make it so contrived!
MP: Is it me, or do you overuse the word "contrived?"
NR: Listen to the way I say it, it makes the girls go crazy.
SleB: (faraway look) Whatever happened to Scritti Pollitti? They had the perfect way...
UKB (yawns) Anyhooo...back to the unfunny man!
JC: Thank you. I'm mad!
CT: Mad "angry" or mad "nuts?" You need to be specific, some of us are American, and some of us are--
UKB: British!
KS, CT, GG, MP: WE KNOW!!!
UKB shrugs, undoes Nick's tie.
JC: How could they not know that "Man on the Moon" was a seminal project in American film? Do they know that I truly BECAME Andy Kauffman during production?
CT: I think it's more like they didn't care.
GG: Good job, CT. Remind me not to come to you when I'm feeling homicidal.
CT: Done. Listen, Jim, sure, you're not an Academy Award winner--
KS: But I am! I rule! (pumps Oscar in the air)
GG: (manages to unwrap herself from Simon to go sit on KS's lap) That's right, honey, you are!
CT: (as if never interrupted) but you've still got Renee Zellwegger!
JC: EXACTLY! (becomes a man possessed, starts up the car, zooms off.)
MP: Come on, you guys, this guy can't drive in this condition!
GG: He's not exactly looking open to the idea of a designated driver, Matty.
UKB: What's that clunking?
CT: Clucking?
UKB: No, CLUNKING! It sounds like it's coming from the trunk.
NR: It is, it is coming from the trunk!
SleB: Mr. Carrey, could you please pull over for a moment? Nature is calling.
JC: Is that supposed to be funny? Is that an Ace Ventura crack?
CT: I assure you, Simon has never watched your Ace Ventura movies. He obviously has to, you know!!
JC pulls over erratically. Simon pulls a crowbar out from underneath GG's dress, and runs for the trunk.
SleB: Oh. My. God.
MP shakes head in despair.
Everyone except Jim runs out to see what's in the trunk.
CT: The missing Oscars!! Jim Carrey stole the missing Oscars!
JC: Who me?
CT: Yes you!
JC: Couldn't be!
CT: Then who?
JC, outwitted, sighs in resignation: All right, it was me! But listen, don't you people see that I deserved the Oscar? I AM the best actor!
CT: I don't see that.
GG: No, that's wrong. (squeezes Kevin's arm lovingly)
KS: The saying doesn't go "you rule!"
SleB: You're not the best actor. Sorry, man.
NR: I'm not a fan, either. Tough luck.
UKB: I already told you, you're not.
MP: I'm noticing that no one is even pretending to think that I'm the best actor.
CT: Shh...it's not about you right now, honey!
MP: That's just fine! I'll go drink some hemlock while you're all philosophizing out here.
(scurries down the side of the bridge on the freeway; no one notices)
SleB: Jim, perhaps you could petition the Academy?
NR: Or get better parts?
UKB: Or become funny?
JC: I hate you all!
CT: Hey, we're only trying to help!
But now, Jim Carrey is enraged. And psychotic.
JC: I want everyone back in the car, now.
GG: I'm not getting back in there. I'm serious. Bad Karma.
JC: I said, get in the--
But Jim is struck down by a giant red ball. Across the highway, Jonathan Lipnicki is giving the thumbs up to the hostages as Jim goes flying off the highway.
CT: Why, that's the little cutie from "Jerry Maguire!" What's he doing with the red ball?
JL (yodeling across the lanes of traffic) I hate that guy! He stole Renee from me-e-e-e-e!!
GG: Ah!!! I get it!
CT: Makes perfect sense to me!
UKB: Come you guys, the little boy came out of that helicopter!
SleB: I don't know, can we all fit in a helicopter?
GG: We may have to get awfully close together!
Everyone joins hands, runs across the highway to the helicopter, leaving Jim Carrey in flight and Matthew Perry gone away, sulking.