Man, it took me so long to find a picture of Des'ree that I've completely forgotten what I was on about before. Something about music, right? Yeah, there should be better music around these days. Say what you like about all the post-modern ironic crap of The Darkness, they're the only recent band that comes anywhere near to rocking. Seriously.
So, what else can I talk about? About how I completely put my foot in it the other day? Man, I feel stupid. I just didn't think at all about what might be happening whilst I'm out of the loop. In case you don't know, I invited Vicci (I love that spelling, much better than Vikki) out round Blackburn with us all for my birthday. I've been chatting to her over the forum instant messages a bit and I thought that she seemed pretty cool (because I really don't remember her from the one time I met her) and its always good to have a new face out and about. OK, she wouldn't have been a new face for everyone else but as somebody different she might have added a different dynamic to the evening. That's what I thought anyway. I was just trying to be friendly. I think it might be a character flaw, I get too excited about the prospect of somebody new to talk to and attempt to amuse. I enjoy trying to find a topic of conversation on which I can bond with somebody, even on a superficial level. Adam once called me a "social chameleon", not because my eyes operate independently of each other but because I always manage to find something to talk about with someone. Look at the other week when Wiggy's ex was in The Malt and Hops - I ended up talking heptology. Heptology! On the one hand I'm quite proud of knowing a little bit about lots of things, but on the other I'd rather know a lot about one thing. I think it would have been pretty cool to have been a socialite back in the 20's or something, kind of like Bertie Wooster but less inept. I think it would be the perfect lifestyle for me. Although there were no videogames back then. Maybe not such a good idea.
Girschool! Excellent! Sorry, just commenting on the music again. Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about how I put my foot in it. Man, I'm an idiot. This country...UFO! Come On! Maybe I should turn the CD off, its really getting me too excited. I've just put my bandana on. I wonder where my Dog Collar's gone? Just found Charizard! Excellent!
Nearly did something pretty brave today but I chickened out in the end. Almost 8 years...Jesus. That's pretty damn obsessive. Enough of that, its depressing me even more.
Why do I always run away from that topic of conversation? Its not like its a big secret or anything. I guess I just feel that its a little pathetic, even for me. Why can't I be a) better looking, b) cooler and c) less of a chicken? I usually don't care about my appearance and what I look like but I can't help but feel that if I looked like Wiggy or somebody then life might have turned out a whole lot differently. Its not that I lack confidence particularly, its just that when it comes to somebody that I actually like I get so het up about it not living up to my expecatations that in the end I'd rather leave it as it is and just have the thoughts and dreams. Stupid huh? This paragraph's kind of going nowhere. Sod it. Run away John, run away like you always do.
Aaarghhh! Nickelback! Quick, change CD! Phew! That was a close one. Some more Iron Maiden. It was quicker to change track than change CD so I'll listen to Number Of The Beast again. Not that anybody particularly wants to know this but I've just rocked up my image even more by taking my T-Shirt off and displaying my Pentacle. That sounds a bit rude actually. Pentacle as in the five pointed star, not a euphemism for anything. RAWK! I was looking through some old photos the other day dating back to about 5 years ago because I needed one for an activity we were going to do at uni and in at least 90% of the photos I'm doing the Sign of the Devil and I've got my tongue sticking out. The only photos where I'm not I'm either doing the D-X crotch chop or completely unaware that I'm being got.
I've started to sober up now. The Uncle Jack must be countering the effects of The Captain.
Man, I've been sitting here for about two hours writing all this bollocks. I don't think I've actually written anything of interest at all you know. My life is so boring.
Date: 21st March 2004
Man, that really is a load of drunken nonesense. I apologise for the absolute uselessness of it all. I've drinking quite a bit lately and its just got bad tonight - I've run out and can't afford to get anymore. Isn't it good that everyone else is having a good time? My mood today has fluctuated from sad, angry, upset, depressed, emotionless, crying, hitting things very hard, hiding in my room, and as usual ended up with me running up here. Ah, the laptop. My true friend. You don't laugh at me or get disgusted that I might not be on top of the world. Can't even throw up, although I have been trying. Fuck 'em. Oh so everyone looks down on me? Hah! Way ahead of you all there, there's nothing anymore that anyone can say or think about me that I haven't already said or thought to myself. I'm sorry if I've been cramping the mood by, ooh, let me see...being upset. When Anna was still here and was upsetting Kate I'd always go and check if Kate was OK, if she needed cheering up, even though it was the hardest thing in the world to give her a hug and tell her not to worry. No matter how bad a day I was having I still looked out for her ahead of myself. Because I love her? OK, probably, but other than that, she's a friend, and that's what friends do for each other. At least, that's what I thought friends did. Well it doesn't matter now, I've left the room and stopped pretending to be enjoying myself so they can all forget that I'm even here. And I still feel guilty. On the one hand I'm pretty sure that they have completely forgotten about me now I'm out of the room but on the other I'm sure they're all sitting around going "God! Can't he even try to make an effort?" Well you know what, I'm sick to fucking death of making an effort. I'm sick of being the world's fucking doormat and spending all my life worrying about other people 's feelings. I'm sick of being "such a nice guy. I'm sorry that I'm upsetting you. I don't want to. Not enough that I won't continue to do it. More than before in fact. God, isn't it fun keeping you weak? I love the unwarranted devotion I get from you." GODDAMMIT! Who am I kidding. Within 5 minutes I'll be back down there, showing everyone that they're all wonderful and I'm a scumbag for being upset. Already I'm regretting what I've put down. Kate isn't like that. She is a nice person and.....damn, room.