So yeah, anyway, Kate isn't doing that and seeing me upset does bother her and all that but...not enough to come and check on me. Talk to me. Ha! I couldn't even do a whole "cry for help" suicide thing because people wouldn't come in and find me, and I would actually die. And unfortunately I don't have the guts to off myself. Plus, my intellect keeps telling me that things will get better you know. Its just a shame that my emotions won't pay attention. See. I told you I'd lose that anger. I am being a bastard by hiding up here, but I'm not strong enough to go down there and be fifth wheel. I want their attention but I find it so difficult just to be in there whilst I'm sure that in their heads they're laughing at me. Isn't John pathetic. Right now though I'd be happy to take pity. Just a reminder that even if it is only in an infintesimal way people are thinking about me.
To be fair, Adam was fantastic last night, staying up with me after everyone else had gone to bed, including his girlfriend. Those couple of hours really were fantastic, just chilling out, watching Dawn of the Dead and having a chat. He really is a great bloke. And I'm just being a git.
I can't help being sad though.
Date: 22nd March 2004
Just a brief apology for all the crap that I've put up recently. I've just been drinking and spewing out absolute rubbish. So, sorry peeps.
A lot of this crap has just been way too self-indulgent even for me so I'm going to try and apply a more rational spin on the things that I put up here. It might be tricky, and no doubt in a few days I'll be back writing absolute bollocks.
Until then - Keep The Faith brothers.
Date: 25th March 2004
I have the feeling that I really should clarify one or two things. Ok, first of all I actually like Ben, he's a nice guy and I think I've come across as quite petty and venomous towards him on this page. As much as I'd like it to be, this page isn't an accurate reflection of my life and actions, just the major events that tie in directly to my self-esteem (self-pitying if you'd prefer) or angry, unloved side. I'm really just trying to rediscover my Mad-As-Hell-And-Not-Going-To-Take-It-Anymore-Don't-Care-About-Relationships personality. The way I figure it, its got to be in here somewhere, you know? Why can't I just be happy (or at least less sad) about being alone. When I was resigned to a Samurai-esque existence of loyaltyto friends and friendship taking a higher role in my life than love. Even when it was all about...dammit. I don't know why I find it so hard to type her damn name! Its not like people don't know who I'm talking about. Jesus. Maybe somebody implanted a post-hypnotic suggestion about never being able to talk about her whilst not drunk, and not even when drunk on the internet. Maybe I've started to realise that my obssession with you-know-who was a tad excessive after around, what, 5 years? Pretty much until I met Kate really. And now that me and Kate are no more - its coming back. That'd make it coming up for 8 years. 8 years! That's insane! As the psychiatrist in Grosse Pointe Blank points out - "Having dreams about the same woman for ten years is obsessive, Martin." OK, I'm paraphrasing and I'm not called Martin but you can see where I'm going with this. If I think about this on a logical, detatched intellectual level (which I feel blessed that I have the ability to do) there is no reason at all for this obssession. She is good looking but (and I'm talking about technicalities here of western idealisations of women) not stunning. She's funny but nowhere near as funny as Leigh, or Richard or...actually, maybe she is the funniest woman I know, I mean the only people funnier are all blokes. Woah, wait a minute. Read that last sentence again, and one of the previous ones - woman. Woman. Holy crap, when all this started it was girl. When did that happen? I just automatically thought woman. I didn't think girl which was how I would have said it at the time. I think that might be sign that its not just a desperate attempt to identify with my previous life and it might actually be genuine feelings. Man, I haven't exactly been in touch with her or even seen her regularly for the past 4 years and to still think about her like that is.........
creepy. Hmmm, this was originally going to be an entry about explaining the previous ones but I've uncovered a train of thought here that's piqued my interest. I don't think this is a High Fidelity moment as I initially expected, its looking likely that I could have found a connection to that previous life.
Lets get something straight, as interesting as these feelings that I have about her are here, I'm never, ever, ever going to do anything about it. I had plenty of time to do something about it and I always chickened out when I was much closer to her than I am now, so what chance is there that I will now? None. I'm generally a pretty confident kind of guy around other people but when it comes to her I just lose it. Which is a shame because if I actually had done something about it then I probably wouldn't be where I am now. I certainly wouldn't be training to be a teacher.
Anyway, if I have got this connection to John: The College Years then maybe I can follow this thread back to rebuild it all again. It'd help if they hadn't demolished The Tank. Its just not the same up there any more. This is a good thing. I'm suddenly feeling at least 300% better than when I started typing this entry. Maybe the Judas Priest I'm listening to has something to do with it but Rob Halford can't take the credit for all of it. OK, I'm coming close to running out of room, which always throws a spanner in the works, but I have to keep hold of this mood, this up feeling. Right - Yngwie Malmsteen, cigarette and quick as I can find a picture for the next life page.
#VENGEANCE!