The Underground Word

Volume I, Issue 2 March 3, 2003

Two of the many sightings on campus. Click here to view more pictures.

    Big Foot, Sasquatch, he is known and seen by multitudes. However, recent environmental policies have forced this beast out of his natural habitat. He has made Placer High School his new niche.
     Known also as the "Monkey of Goodwill," he was spotted in Physics teacher Mike Janus's room. Eye witnesses say he was delivering a Code Red Mountain Dew to Janus.
     Dozens of students have reported a "giant, hairy ape" running amok. Credible sources have revealed that the majority of such incidents have

occurred on Upper Campus. Details are still sketchy, however, as to just where Sasquatch has been living.
Some students have been terrorized by Sasquatch personally. Senior Kraegen Bramer describes his encounter during a passing period, "I was extremely frightened. It was the first time I've been hugged by a hairy monster."
The outcome of this situation is currently uncertain. Whether or not his stay is permanent or temporary, no one knows for sure.
-Steven Mockford

SASQUATCH MAKES NEW HOME ON UPPER CAMPUS

Message
from the Council

    "Last on our programs, but first in our hearts." This quotation by English teacher Mike Duda fully embodies the Council's Chief of Staff, Hamilton Ball. He was the most superb associate member this Council has ever seen.
     The Council of 4 has only one downfall: an even number of members. According to Article I of our constituion, it is important that "three out of four agree" in order to pass any ideas into action. Sometimes voting can tear a schism in the Council. Hamilton was there to intiate the "three-fifths compromise" in any situation. Then no decision could gridlock us anymore.
     We feel it is our duty to honor the memory of our Chief of Staff and remember him always. On behalf of the Council of 4, thank you, Hamilton. We will miss you always...
-The Council of 4

Are You Hot or Not?

Mr. Burge Revealed

UW- So...does the Messenger interview you often?
Burge- They don't. Maybe once or twice out of the 30 years I've been here.
UW- Really? It is rumored that you are actually in charge here at Placer. Is that true?
Burge- Nobody knows more about the history than I do. Therefore, they don't know if I'm lying or not. That puts me in charge.
UW- How many women are you currently dating?
Burge- I'm dating one, many times. Always the same one, the lovely Krisanne.
UW- Why do you do age push-ups every day?
Burge- If I increase my push-ups 1 per year, when I'm 100 years old, I will invite the Auburn Community to the LeFebvre Stadium to watch a 100 year-old man do 100 push-ups.
-Stephen Muff

Kristian Lum, a senior at Placer, has caught on to the freshest rave. No, it's not skip-it. It's rolly backpacks. You know, those containers with extendable handles and two rear wheels so the ground can take the brunt of the weight. However, these just-plain-cool backpacks have a hidden, and unsightly, requirement. According to some of our very own freshmen boys, you need to be "Hot" in order to drag around one of these enthralling items.
Indeed, you must have a model-lik appearance in order to own one. According to Paragraph 5, Line 2: "Any pack or satchel with a handle extending over 3.634 in. qualifies as a 'rolly backpack' and must be handled by a properly licensed and hot individual." For more information on hotness, contact your local modeling agency.
-Jason Tolliver

Mariah Carey sucks. In the '90's she realized this and dropped off the face of the earth. Unfortunately, she made a comeback, helped by money spent on much larger...uh, talents. When she realized she still sucked, she tried to make a movie called "Glitter" about herself, but it too

sucked. She
embodies everything
that is wrong with
this world. Greed, vanity, and complete and utter stupidity. Plus, she's not even hot, she can't sing, and butterflies are stupid.
Verdict: 0/10

Product Review:
Mariah Carey

Compiled by
Chauncy Peppertooth

It was about two months ago. Merely an inaudible whisper running through a crowd. It was the birth of a revolution...
It started, or so the legend goes, with Josh Meyer. He rolled from class to class, but soon the idea swept through the school like Malaria in a swamp. A freshman here, a few seniors there...all rolling like the Stones. Soon Josh was on the back-
burner. His skills were easily
surpassed by innovative upstarts,

like Nick Terry and yours truly. Now Nick is out with a broken wrist, I don't want my wheels to get wet and rusted, and Josh seems to have grown bored.
There is still a small group of Heely-ers, and while Heelys seem to be on hold for the winter months, the
magnificent
show/rollerblade
hybrid will always be
first in my heart.
-Chris Hickok

Letter to the Council

Edited by
Stephen Muff

Dear Tolliver-
     I have a dilemma.
People keep coming to
me with their prob-
lems, and I just don't
care. What should I
do?
     -Dr. Amelie

Dr. Amelie-
     It is a fact of life that we, as humans, just don't care about people. The solution is simple. Instruct them that you'll give them advice AFTER they pick up your dry cleaning so they'll be standing at the dry cleaners until they grow old. Problem solved.

As prescribed by Jason Tolliver

The Corner
of Tolliver

Pants: Censorship?

These days, everything is watered down. Music, movies, books, magazines, school, and just about everything else is getting censored. However, people forget about the original form of censorship: pants.
Nowadays, everyone freaks out if pants aren't worn. Restaurants won't let you eat, and people call the cops, which, trust me, is a bummer. So I believe we should rebel against society's oppressions and cast off their chains of censorship. That is, unless you are a male, ugly, or are over the age of 25.
-Colin Pass

Beat
on
the
Street

Mixed by The Mock

How many Zebras does it take to start a Zebra Farm and why?

Twenty: Ten male, ten female because then there wouldn't be any inbreeding...unless it's in Foresthill.

-Emily Morgado

Twenty-five: Half and half even though twenty-five is an odd number. You gotta have one hermaphrodite.

-Steven Kennan

Eight 'cause I asked your mom.

-Emma Smith

Isn't there a Zebra in Foresthill?

-Kayla Carlisle

First Amendment- Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or of the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

March 3, 2003-Volume I, Issue 2

THE COUNCIL HAS SPOKEN...