It is time to reveal the truth about the guy most of us know as Hilling Ezack.
For many years strange rumors and furtively whispered tales have been going around the roll player community, creating a mistique about this guy, an aura of dark mystery that has been made an object of fevered speculation; but now it is time to rip aside the cloak of ignorance that has fed this evil gossip and reveal Hilling Ezack as he really is. from this moment on, let the awful truth be known.....
Hilling Ezack is a were-koala.
Whenever there is a full moon, a strange and terrifying transformation comes over him. He breaks out in a cold sweat; he starts grunting incoherently as if in pain; he rolls about on the floor, writhing in a terrible out-of-control frenzy, almost sexual in nature, all the while making the most god awful unearthly gutteral cries. Slowly his flesh thickens and becomes soft leathery hide. He begins to change shape, growing ever so rounder and pudgier. A fine coat of grey fur sprouts all over his body. getting longer even as you watch. His nose and mouth expand, swelling into a muzzle; his ears grow larger; his eyes turn into shiny black button orbs. A soft fluffy tail grows from the end of his spine. Soon he develops prehensile claws and rips his clothing from him. finaly, with one last heart-rending scream, he drops to all fours and looks up at you with the most plaintive whistful expression possible -he has become positively cute!! He crouches naked and revealed for all the world to see -a chubby little marsupial!!!
Then, uttering wierd cries of joy, he races from the house and climbs the nearest eucalyptus tree (there is one in the front yard, but it has long been stripped bare) and begins franticly munching on its leaves.
It is not for us to judge this otherwise loathsome and foul behavior. It is not for us to condemn -but imagine the embarrassment of his poor family when they have to go down to the animal shelter and claim him the following morning.
Those of us who know and love this man, this round little furry person, have been forced by cruel circumstance to deal with this aberration. We've tried -lord knows we've tried- to find a way to help him sublimate this terrible urge into some socialy acceptable behavior. We've even gotten him a job summers down at the Chipawa zoo as a koala impersonator (look closely on your next vist, he's the one in the glasses)
Perhaps you think I joke, perhaps you think I make light of Hilling's condition, a condition which many would regard only as a mere idiosyncrasy, or a worst, a handicap. But let me assure you, it is much worse than that. The words compulsion and obession spring to mind. Perhaps the words deviate and degenerate are appropriate here..because you see..THIS MAN BRAGS ABOUT BEING A KOALA!!!
Why?, why do you ask? why would a normal healthy Canadian male with a good life and terrific friends and great job with Cthulu choose to be a koala and actively seek out the koala lifestyle?
It beats the hell out of me too.
Hilling claims its sexy. yes, he really does. I myself have no personal knowledge of the koala way of life, nor do I wish to know. Proximity to Hilling as taught me more about koalas than any normal individual could want to know. Only my strong constitiution and the dedication of a long standing friendship have enabled me to control the buoyancy of my gorge. I am told that many of those who follow the koala persuasion can lead otherwise normal healthy lives, but even though some of my best friends are marsupials, it is a fact of which I remain personaly unconvinced.
I suspect that the real truth behind Hilling's nauseating condition is that he has become mentally and physically addicted to this way of life. To a koala bear, the leaves of the eucalyptus -if properly aged- are a euphoriant. Why do you think the nasty little guys are allways smiling?? they're stoned out of their minds!!
It's that simple. To Hilling being a koala bear is a wild-eyed relesae from the shabbiness, poverty and moral bankruptcy of his human identity. We could excuse the foulness of his present conditon by blaming the pressures of society, or even the oppressiveness of his stunted childhood. I will not repeat the lies in his "offcial" biography, the ones about the kindly old woodcutter and his blind sheepdog who took Hilling in when they found him in a basket on the doorstep of the crude little cottage they called home, and how they raised him to be a fine upstanding citizen of thier small alpine community, and how he repaid this trust by selling the cottage, putting the old coot away in a nursing home and shooting the dog. No the truth of his history must be told...but that is for another post.