| Red Face, Continued |
| On a day hike in the mountains with a friend, I saw a cute little dog running around by itself. Being an animal-lover, I tried to get it to come over so I could pet it. After I whistled and called out unsuccessfully, a young man appeared, looked at me then at the dog and said, "Yodel!" I thought it was a little strange but figured he must know what the dog likes. I began to yodel loudly when the man called out again, "Yodel, here boy!" I realized it was the dog's name that he was calling, and fled as fast as possible. My friends and I went out to eat. After placing our orders, we began talking. As we chatted, the waiter brought out large glasses of water with straws in them. Engrossed in the conversation, I reached for my water without looking and brought the glass up to my mouth. Suddenly, I felt a jolt. I'd rammed the straw up my nose! I grabbed the straw as my friends and I started to laugh uncontrollably, and I looked around to see everyone in the restaurant laughing as well. My husband and I are always playing practical jokes on each other. One of my favorite tricks is to get a bowl of water and throw the water out the kitchen window while he's outside cleaning the dog bowl. One morning I heard the hose going so I got my bowl of water and spilled it out the window without looking. Boy, instead of my husband's voice, I heard an unfamiliar cry of "Oh, my goodness!" I ran to the door to find that I had just doused the neighbor with water. Coming out of the supermarket, I saw a man sitting on a nearby bench. As I walked past him, he exclaimed loudly, "Come here, baby!" Aghast, I stopped in my tracks and with my hands on my hips loudly and indignantly replied, "Excuse me, are you talking to me?" He let out a chuckle and replied, "No, I was talking to my dog, Baby!" Sure enough, running toward him was a large chocolate Lab. I'm an Avon lady and one day I had a lot of deliveries to make, so I got dressed in a hurry and rushed out of the house to start my rounds. Hours later, at the last house, I bent down to open my bag when suddenly my customer burst into laughter and pointing at me, asked, "Is that a tail?" I reached around and realized I had forgotten to snap my body suit while getting dressed and it had been hanging out of my pants all day! I handed the woman her purchase and fled. I was leaving a message on a friend's answering machine when my dog, Sandy, came running toward me. I hung up the phone and began petting her, breaking into a chorus of the song I sometimes sing to her, "Sandy is a good ole gal" (ny takeoff on the Waylon Jennings hit "Sally Was A Good Old Girl"). Suddenly, I heard a loud beeping and looked over to see that I hadn't quite put the phone back on the hook! Mortified, I realized my friend's machine had been recording my singing! Sure enough, my friend later called back, laughing uncontrollably. "Was that song for me?" she giggled, playing it back for her family. My husband and I were scheduled to leave in a few hours for a romantic cruise for our first anniversary. He had to stop at work first, so I kissed him goodbye and murmured in a sultry voice, "Hurry home, darling." Playing along he replied, "I will call you in half an hour, my love, and soon we will be on our way." Sure enough, 30 minutes later, the phone rang. I picked it up and crooned, "This is the Love Boat." My husband's mother replied, "Oh really?" I uttered an apology, then my mother-in-law proceeded to wish us a safe trip! I was starting a new job and was very nervous about meeting my co-workers. As I entered my office, a group of people gathered around to introduce themselves. After meeting them, I went to sit down at my desk when, suddenly, my chair rolled away and I landed on the floor. I looked up and noticed that my co-workers had seen what had happened. I was laughing as hard as they were, but boy, was it embarassing! My sister and I stopped at our local supermarket to do some shopping and decided to use one cart, since we didn't need that much. When we got to the counter to pay, we decided to separate the items. Just then, I noticed that my sister had left an item in the cart. Without thinking, I exclaimed, "Mary, your nuts!" Everyone turned to look at me. Running late for work one morning, I hastily took off my negligee, threw it on the bed, jumped into the shower and got dressed as fast as I could. On my way to work, I stopped at a bagel shop to pick up breakfast and as I waited in line, heard chuckles behind me. Spinning around, I saw my silky nightie caught in my belt and trailing down the back of my legs. I yanked it free as fast as I could and needless to say, I didn't stay to get my bagel. I got a call from my boss one afternoon, asking if the printer was running.When I told him yes, he asked that I bring it down when it was finished. Taken aback I asked, "You want me to bring it to your office?" "Yes," he replied. Thinking he must have some valid reason for wanting the printer in his office, I pushed it down the hall. Exhausted, I rolled it into his office, which was filled with executives. Suddenly, my boss burst out laughing. "I needed you to bring me the report that was printing, not the machine!" I ran back to get the report. My husband and I were staying with my in-laws for the weekend. Arriving late, we left our open suitcases on the floor of the guest room and headed down to the lving room for cocktails with some neighbors. An hour later, my mother-in-law realized she hadn't seen her dog for a while and whistled for her. To my horror, the dog raced into the living room dragging a pair of my black bikini underwear and dropped them on the coffee table! I hastily grabbed the embarassing object and rushed out of the room as the neighbors burst out laughing. Dropping our pickup truck off for service, I walked into a very busy garage and described my vehicle and the problem to the woman at the service desk. As I turned to leave, she shouted very loudly, "I have a pickup." I turned around and said "How do you like it?" At that moment, I realized shew as making an announcement over the loudspeaker. I raced out of the service area. After joining a gym for the first time, I was eager to try out all the equipment. Everything went smoothly until I came to one machine and just couldn't seem to get my legs in properly. After several minutes of frustrating squirming, I managed to get one leg in, and with my other leg half up in the air. I glanced over and saw another woman using the very same machine with her arms were my legs were. Then I caught sight of other exercisers watching me and smiling so I quickly wriggled out of the machine and fled the gym. Waking up one morning I realized with horror that my alarm hadn't gone off and I was about to miss an important meeting at work. I threw on some clothes, slapped on some makeup and hastily rushed out the door. As I entered my office building out of breath, I noticed the receptionist staring at me. I assumed it was because I was so late. Then I rushed into the conference room where several co-workers began to giggle. One wordlessly handed me a compact and there was my face covered in big dots of pale foundation I had forgotten to blend in. I quickly smoothed things over. I was preparing my first Thanksgiving dinner for my husband's family and was determined to make everything perfect. I carefully followed the directions for preparation of the turkey and stuffing. I cleaned the turkey, patted it dry with paper towels and then put it in the oven for the recommended time. When it was ready, I proudly started to carve it only to discover I had left the paper towels in the cavity of the bird. We all had a good laugh. After my son's birthday party, I decided to wash the tablecloth. I gathered it up and poured some liquid laundry soap into a blue party cup. When I got to the laundry room, I met one of my neighbors and we chatted awhile. As I poured the contents of the blue cup into the machine, she looked at me quite strangely. It was then that I noticed that I had grabbed the wrong cup and had just poured orange soda into the machine. I ran back to my apartment to get the detergent. While shopping, my cousin and I stopped at a pretzel stand for a quick snack. The owner usually displays a few samples for the customers to taste. "I wish we could sample a few pieces while we wait but I don't want to reach in front of people." I said to my cousin. So when the woman in front of me turned around with a cup of pretzel bits in her hand. I reached in, took one and thanked her. She gave me a look and snappeed. "What are you doing?" It was her order I was sampling. I apologized and waited in line with red cheeks. My best friend and I met for dinner at a posh restaurant that had recently opened. The dining room was beautifully decorated with hanging plants and dozens of potted flowers and small trees. We were seated next to a collection of green shrubs that looked like they could use a drink of water. When our waitress came over to take our order, I had just finished pouring my glass of water into the pots. She gave me a strange look, so I said, "They loked thirsty." She smiled and explained the flowers were plastic. My friend and I had a good laugh. One lazy Saturday morning I applied a mud mask and cleaned the house. Later I took my dog Bosco for a walk. Along the way, I noticed a few joggers giving me strange looks as they passed. Later I ran into a woman who was walking her dog. I stopped and chatted with her. Although she was friendly, I couldn't help noticing she kept staring at my face. It wasn't until I got home and I looked in the mirror that I realized that I had forgotten to wash off my bright green mud mask! Boy was my face green! |
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