It is very personal and I'm not sure how I feel about making it public or on the www. . .wide web.
But maybe while helping me deal with my mother's loss it too; will be of help to others who are hurting who feel know one knows your pain of a lossed one. . .believe me you are not alone!
~My Mother My Friend~
Mildred Brawner
Born: Nov 21,1914
Death: April 25,2003
Marriage: June 20, 1932
To: Our (dad) Arlie Brawner
At: Reeds Spring Missouri
I want you to know I walked with you every step of the way to your journeys end. There could be no greater pain' than what I feel at this moment. I tryed to do everything the way you wanted it done. Only the one thing I know you didn't want was to be in a nursing home and I guess I failed you their. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact. . .although it was only a month in a/half. It was still difficult knowing your feelings about it, even though you became bed-fast and I could no longer take care of you by myself, and give you the help you needed for your care----- because of my own health. It brought me great pain and sickened me all over. I feel mad at myself that my health wouldn't permit me to keep you at home only my sicatic nerve damage after my back surgery would not permit me to lift you and do the things you needed. I knew from the last time you went into the hospital you wouldn't be long with us, and that the time had come I had to get help. Then the worrying about you constantly kept me under so much stress that I practically moved in with you. My (daughter) Carrie, your grandaughter would sit with me throughout most of the nights to make sure you we're taken care of. Then early the next morning I would be up and on my way back to the nursing home. . .I was on overload running down fast.
I'll never forget the morning I walked threw the door of your room and you stretched your hand out to me the moment you saw me. I fastly walked over to you and held your hand and from that moment from within a day or two I knew you would be gone. That moment' was unlike any other moment, it was actually at that time we said our goodbyes. . .while silence filled the room. I ached so' inside with pain and sorrow and wondered how would I ever let you go? Their we're no words mama, had already had a stroke leaving her unable to speak and so I couldn't hear her voice any longer, so I just sit their holding her hand gently rubbing it with all my love as I watched her body slowly shut down over the next couple of days. The thing that was upsetting to me most was the fact the doctor never let me know that *hospice* could be brought into the picture at the end to comfort my mother. It was upsetting enough that he would never tell me that my mother was dieing so I could of had hospice come into our home to help care for her during her last days. I knew all to well after caring for my mother over seven in a/half years her condition, and I also knew when her regular doctor moved away and left me to finding another doctor at the stage her health was in that she would not survive long. It was impossiable for the new doctor to learn all about her health conditions in such a short time. She was amuned to all her medications and was allergic to so many other medications. It had gotten to the point she was in and out of the hospital weekly because of her bladder infections she kept present at all times and the only medicine now that worked for her was the ones they could give her through an IV' .
The family got together a dinner for mother at the nursing home in the private diningroom and it was then I found out through my neice that hospice could be called in to help comfort my mother during her last days. What a release. . .when I found this out I was able to sign a few pappers as her power of attorney over her health care to stop them from hauling her to the doctors office and having her do things she did not have the strength to do. I also had her medications stopped at this point because she could no longer swallow. Immedieately once hospice arived on the scene they informed me of everything I could do as her power of attorney. I just wish I had known all about hospice before hand. Although hospice was not in the picture long they we're very helpful and comforting.
