Back to Index Chapter 10

Steve settled down next to Brian, handing him his mug of hot chocolate. Brian wrinkled his nose. "This'll go straight to my ass." He complained. Steve took a sip of his.

"Good. You need some fat there. Your arse is way too bony." Brian smiled weakly.

"Been looking have you?"

"Every fucking minute." Steve patted his lap, and Brian crawled over, cuddling up in the drummer's warm embrace. "So, Molks. Who hurt you?"

"It was nothing like that." Brian mumbled, fidgeting slightly.

"Then what was it like, Bri?" Brian was quiet a minute, fingering a whole in his jeans.

"It was back in school." He said eventually. "We'd been in Luxembourg for maybe seven months. I tried to fit in, I really did." He sounded almost as if he was begging Steve to believe just how hard he'd really tried. "All I wanted was to make friends and to be accepted. I wore what the other boys wore; I followed their fashion trends. But I was still smaller than the rest, and I still looked like a girl. They started calling me fag, and queer, and a shit load of other names like that." Brian felt Steve's hand twitch. He stalled a moment, by taking a drink of his chocolate, surprised by the fact that it actually made him feel better, if only a little bit. "Well one day--It was after gym--I was in the locker room. And--and--there was this one guy. His name was--Stefan Olsdal." Brian smiled sadly to himself, making Steve frown. "I was in love with him." Brian chuckled softly. "Lost my virginity to him, actually." Steve's frown deepened. "Anyways, that was later. This one-day after gym, he and the rest of the basketball team, kind of cornered me. And um," Brian shrugged weakly. "They used an exacto knife--" Steve looked at Brian in horror.

"He wrote 'fag' in your leg with an exacto knife, and then you lost your virginity to this guy?" Brian shook his head.

"No. Stefan was the one holding me down--and that was about three years before him and I. We had a thing our last year of school. Funny enough, he was the one who gave me the courage to finally come out to my parents." Brian fell silent, remembering the night, with all of its blood and pain.

"But still! Bri, this guy let them hurt you, and then you let him fuck you!" Brian felt his heart twinge.

"Steve, it wasn't like that!"

"Yes it was! Brian, this guy let them torture you!" Several tears tumbled down Brian's cheek.

"I loved him, Steve. Can't you understand that? I hated myself for it, but I couldn't help it. Even after everything he and the other Jock's did to me, I still wanted him." Steve stared at Brian, still disbelieving. "And besides, he changed. He was sweet and caring--and gentle. He's been the only person, other than you of course, I've ever been fucked by who was careful. No one else cared if they were hurting me." Steve swallowed, feeling even more appalled by this latest admission. "I mean everything is fine, when I'm in control. But whenever the tables are turned..." Brian was quiet a minute. "I mean I know I can't complain, because I let them--but every time I let someone fuck me, they're rough and violent--and..." Brian trailed off, more tears threatening to spill. "It's like all they want is my body. They don't care about who I really am. They don't care that I have emotions, or that I can feel the way they abuse me. I've never felt as loved as I did with Stefan."

Steve pulled Brian further into his embrace. "I love you, Molks." Brian sniffed.

"Yes, but you don't count."

"Why not?" Steve asked bewildered.

"Because you're not gay." Steve knitted his eyebrows together.

"You've lost me, man." Brian sighed.

"I mean loved romantically. I want to be loved by someone who will take care of me, and adore me, and hold me, and--and--" He shrugged sadly. "I know it sounds soppy, but hey. Can't I dream?" Steve';s lips quirked.

"Of course you can. But what about Gyp?"

"She doesn't count either." Steve sighed. "No listen! Apart from you, she's my best friend. And yeah, we shag and shit like that, but it's not a real relationship. She's there for me obviously, but I dunno--she's not like Stefan was."

"You're still in love with this guy?" Steve asked dubiously. Brian blushed slightly.

"Well, yeah. He was my first gay shag, and he was my everything." His blush deepened. "I guess it's just been hard for me to get over him, even though it's been nearly five years or so." Steve nodded slowly.

"I kind of understand." Brian smiled, resting his head on Steve's shoulder.

"Thanks, Stevie Bean. It means a lot to me that you care." He brought his cup up to his lips, but then swore as it spilled all over Steve's white shirt. "Whoops." He said sheepishly as Steve glared at him. "I guess trying to drink sideways isn't a good idea."

"No." Steve agreed. "It's not." He had just reached for the napkins sitting on the coffee table, when the phone rang. Groaning, Steve pushed Brian off his lap and stood up.

"Well thanks very much." Brian pouted.

"Don't complain you just spilled hot chocolate all over me."

"Aw, but babe, that means I can lick it off!" Steve just rolled his eyes, and grabbed the phone from its cradle.

"Yeah?"

"Oh hey, Steve. Is Brian there?"

"He sure is. Molks, Gyp's on the phone." Brian bounded off the couch and skipped to the phone. Steve just shook his head, heading off to his room to change shirts.

"Hey love." Brian chirped.

"Hey babe. How was shopping?"

"It was good." Brian hopped up on the counter, twirling his finger around the phone chord. "Got you a new pair of cuffs." Gypsum laughed.

"Excellent! I missed my old ones." Brian giggled.

"I know! Oh and Alex says hi. He says he wants in on some threesomes." Gypsum laughed again.

"Well we'll certainly have to invite him--"

"Oy!" Brian jumped as Steve re-entered the room. "Get your arse off me bloody counter!" Brian stuck his tongue out at the now shirtless drummer, and settled his arse further into the polished surface.

"Bri love, when are you coming home? I've got dinner going and--?"

"Oh my god, Gyp! You?! cooking?!"

"Yes." Gypsum huffed. "I don't see you running your ass home to cook."

"Well that's because, you'd end up in the hospital if I made dinner."

"Get off my counter!" Brian gave Steve the finger, continuing to ignore him.

"So what, my lovely lady, are you making for dinner?"

"Lasagne." Brian made a face.

"Ew!"

"Don't you give me that! Be happy you get food." Brian rolled his eyes.

"Stevie, what're you having for dinner?" Steve glared at him, before stomping over to the refrigerator. He rifled through the contents for a second before turning back.

"I've got frozen pizzas, tv dinners, and left over tandoori." Brian sighed.

"No one has anything good."

"Now that you've established that, would you kindly remove your arse from my counter?" Brian pouted tragically.

"Lasagne, Gyp?"

"Yup. I expect you here in twenty, Bri." Gypsum said cheerfully. "Bye love!" Brian glowered as he dropped the phone back onto its cradle.

"For the last time! Get your sodding arse off my fucking counter!" Brian squealed as Steve grabbed him around the waist and hoisted him into the air.

****

"Steve's not coming for dinner?" Gypsum asked as Brian closed the front door behind him. Brian looked up as he dumped his keys on the side table.

"Steve doesn't like lasagne Gyp." Brian pointed out with a small smirk. Gypsum scowled and crossed her arms.

"Well, bully for Steve. He's not going to get dinner then."

"He's eating his left over tandoori." Gyp scoffed, stalking back into the kitchen.

"While we eat fresh food!"

"Fresh vomit." Brian muttered to himself.

"I heard that!" Gypsum yelled, making Brian winced. He followed Gyp into the kitchen, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"God it even smells like vomit!" Gyp glared at him.

"C'mon Brian! I made an effort alright?" Brian quieted, feeling slightly guilty. He watched silently as Gypsum dished him out a portion of saucy noodles and took the plate as it was offered. They sat down at the table and Gypsum immediately dug into the food as if trying to prove how good it really was. Brian poked moodily at the horridly disgusting noodles and cheese. Gypsum merely rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything. At least the tetchy midget had ceased complaining. As long as he was suffering silently it was o-- "Hey Gyp?" So much for silence.

"What is it Brian?" Brian mashed the meat on his plate around for a second before putting the fork down.

"Do you remember that night? In school--the one where I came back from Stef's and my dad found out--?" Gypsum frowned.

"Of course I do. How can I forget the night my best friend shows up at my house at the most ungodly hour, and looking quite--well quite like that lasagne on your plate?" A tiny smile found its way across Brian's face.

"Well, did I ever tell you how thankful I was?" Gypsum slowly put down her own fork.

"Only several hundred million times, Bri." She looked him over seriously. "What's this about, love?" Brian exhaled slowly.

"Steve saw the--the scar on my leg and asked me about it." Gypsum was quiet, waiting for Brian to continue. "It just brought back all of those memories. And you were the one who took care of me. And your mum was great too--letting me stay with you guys for the rest of the year." Gypsum nodded.

"She knew how close we were. And she also knew your dad."

"You were always there, keeping me safe when he came by the school. Or when he'd come drunk, pounding on your door at three in the morning." Gypsum looked at the table remembering those nights. And the terror that came with it...

Gypsum clung to the quivering form huddled on her bed. From downstairs, she could hear the not-quite muffled sound of hammering on the front door. Her mother had made them lock Gypsum's bedroom door, before dashing away to call the police. "It's ok." Gyp whispered her eyes clenched tight as she rocked Brian back and forth. She felt his tears on her arm, and pulled him even closer. "It's ok--it'll be ok." Her heart was beating an insane rhythm to match his.

"I know the stupid faggot is in there!" They heard Frances Molko's furious screech floating up through the window. "He's my fucking son! You can't keep him from me!" Brian let out a tiny whimper of fear, pressing his face into Gyp's shoulder.

"He can't touch you. He can't touch you." She was muttering it like a mantra, as if trying to convince herself. "He can't touch you." They heard something heavy hit the door downstairs accompanied by a splintering of wood, and Gypsum's mother shrieking a string of enraged obscenities.

"You mother fucking coward!" She screamed, and despite her self, Gypsum had to smile. "You're a fucking prick, just leave the poor kid alone!" But then something huge came crashing through Gyp's window. Glass shattered everywhere, showering the two, biting into the back of her neck. Brian gasped in terror, and Gypsum screamed, flattening Brian against the bed just in time as a massive rock soared over them and smashed into Gypsum's desk. Wood chips split everywhere, and papers fluttered to the ground. The glass on the floor glittered in the lamplight now streaming in through the gap in the curtains. Gyp looked down into Brian's wide eyes, seeing her own fright mirrored. In the distance she could hear sirens coming closer...

Brian was looking out the window now, his eyes unfocused and glittering with unshed tears. "And you helped me get through the rest of the year--making me finish even though I wanted to quit." He turned back to her. "You never gave up on me."

"And I never will, Brian." Gypsum breathed tenderly, scooting her chair around so she could put her arms around him. "I will always be here for you." She kissed Brian's cheek. "Remember that one day when we said we'd do something exotic with our lives? Well look at us now, babe. In a fucking rock band, on our way up. One day soon love, we'll be on top of the fucking world, and it's all down to you."

"Me?" Brian asked sceptically.

"Yes you! You're the creative genius Bri. You write the lyrics. It's your beautiful soul we're singing." Brian's lips twitched.

"Whatever Gyp."

"Brian I'm fucking serious! You are the heart and soul of this band."

"Even though my heart's a fucking ashtray." Brian muttered.

"Bri, your heart is what makes you such an amazing person. I mean look at yourself! You've got two brilliant friends: both me and Steve. And I know for a fact that Steve would do anything for you and that ashtray heart of yours." Gypsum hugged Brian tightly. "And so would I. But you've got to move on sweetheart. You can't live your life always looking back and dwelling on the bad moments of your life. You've gotta look ahead--to the stars." Brian sniffed and wiped away several stray tears.

"Thanks Gyp." Gypsum smiled gently.

"Of course darling, I love you."

"I love you too, Gyp, more than anything."

"That better not be your excuse to get out of eating my lasagne." Gypsum teased. Brian giggled a bit, before adopting a look of mock guilt.

"Fuck, you've caught me!"

"I always do babe. I always do."

****

"What the fucking fuck?" Gypsum glared at the DJ. "What do you mean you won't play my music? I told you I'd fucking pay you!" The DJ fixed the angry woman with a glower of equal venom.

"Just what I said, there's no way you can pay me to play anything made by that fucking queer!" He pointed to Brian who was standing in the background, arms folded over his chest, and a look of pure ice painted on his pale features.

"You fucking--!"

"Drop it, Gyp." Brian cut in smoothly. "He's not worth it." He was far too used to small-minded homophobes like this one. He dropped his arms and nonchalantly walked away.

"Fucking jerk." Gypsum ranted as they made their way through the crowd to the bar. Brian stayed silent. He was wearing a short strapless crimson dress and black stilettos. Obviously some body was going to take offence to his 'Nancy Boy-ness.' Brian rolled his eyes to himself and slid onto the barstool, raising his eyes slightly as Gyp slammed down, her face furious.

"Calm down, Gyp." Brian soothed, putting his hand on top of her clenched fist. "There'll be other clubs. And next time I won't wear a dress."

"You shouldn't have to change!" Gypsum fumed.

"Well maybe we'll just have to go to a gay club then." Brian said with a grin. Gypsum relaxed a little, allowing a smile to curve her lips. She glanced around.

"Where's Steve?"

"Oh he said he'd be a little late." Brian flagged down the bartender and ordered himself a drink. "He said he had something to do, I think." Gypsum nodded, ordering herself a Bloody Mary.

"Right." They sat in silence while waiting for their drinks. Brian took a good look around the club. The dance floor was filled with bodies writhing to and fro, locked in a dance of sex, sweat, and booze. Swivelling his stool back around, Brian grabbed his glass and downed as much as he could in one go. He waited for the expected jab from Gyp but when it didn't come, he turned towards her. Gypsum wasn't even looking at him. She was too busy flirting with the man who had just plopped down in the seat next to her. Brian scowled unconsciously.

"Can I buy you a drink?" The man asked Gyp, leaning into to her.

Brian rolled his eyes. It was obvious that the lady already had a drink--"Sure." Gypsum's voice dripped sex. Gypsum must be really gagging, Brian thought. This guy wasn't her usual type. He was too broad at the shoulders, and he really did have the worst hair. Brian drank his vodka in silence, trying to ignore Gypsum's giggling as the stranger whispered in her ear. Eventually the innocent flirting turned into something heavier. Gypsum quickly leaned over to Brian.

"Bri, I'm gonna go with Larry." She whispered, her eyes glittering. "Sorry for abandoning you, but he's got an offer too good to resist, and you know Steve will be here soon." She winked and grabbing her coat, hopped off the stool. The man--Larry--nodded curtly to Brian before entwining his arm with Gyp's and leading her away. Brian sighed and crossed his eyes at the half empty cup.

It wasn't that he didn't want Gyp to get laid--it was that Brian didn't like it when he got left so she could get laid. Not willing to admit that he was sulking, Brian finished off his drink. "Can I buy you another?" Brian glanced up at the tall man in slight surprise, not having heard approach. He was definitely not Brian's type. Besides he was waiting for Steve.

"I'm with someone--sorry." The man sat down anyway, sweeping his chin length brown hair out of his cold grey eyes.

"Oh c'mon, it's just a drink." Brian sighed. This man was now officially irritating him.

"When my man gets here, he's not going to be too happy about you bothering his boyfriend."

The man raised his eyebrows at Brian, taking in the short form fitting skirt. "Boyfriend?"

"Yes, boyfriend. I'm a man. I have a cock. So--go find someone with a vagina or something."

"Well you had me fooled." He looked Brian up and down again. "But the funny thing is, right now I'd prefer your cock." He purred seductively, sliding his chair closer and placing one hand on the smaller man's thigh. Brian rolled his eyes in slight disgust, shoving the unwanted hand off his leg.

"Look, I'm not interested, ok?"

"C'mon love, don't you want a good time?"

"Not with you, alright?" The man frowned and sat back in his chair, surveying Brian. Then he grinned.

"That's alright. I love it when they play hard to get." Brian sighed in frustration, swivelled his chair around and hopped down.

"Well have fun, playing with someone else who's hard to get." Brian said irritably. He stalked towards the door. He'd wait for Steve outside. But a second later, the man caught up with him. Brian's heart jumped uncomfortably as the stranger grabbed his arm.

"Come back to my place, no one has to know." He hummed in Brian's ear. Brian wrenched his arm away.

"I said no! So back the fuck off!" He spat furiously. The man's face contorted and he looked like he was about to hit Brian. He grabbed Brian's arm and yanked him closer.

"Look sweetheart; I'm only going to give you one more chance before I really get angry."

****

Steve shrugged his way through the swarms of people, trying to get to the bar. The writhing forms were making it nearly impossible though, and Steve was starting to get more than slightly annoyed. He jumped aside as a drunken man came reeling past, sloshing his pint every which way. Grumbling, Steve adjusted his coat and then paused when he heard a familiar voice. He turned quickly. Steve's eyes widened as he realized what was going on. The man next to Brian had him by the arm and looked like he was trying to drag the small guitarist out of the club. Brian was putting up a fight, but the offending man was nearly twice his size.

His mind seething with anger, Steve barrelled his way towards the two and stopped in front of the man. "There you are, honey." Steve said to Brian before he glared purposefully at the man. Brian looked beyond relieved to see him, his lips parting. "Is this man bothering you?" Brian nodded frantically and the brown haired man scowled. "I suggest that you let go of my boyfriend before I fucking kick your arse." Steve growled. Reluctantly, the man released his grip on Brian's pale forearm. "If you ever come anywhere near him again, I'll fucking kill you, man." The man looked as if he were about to retort, but then thought better. Steve put his hand on the small of Brian's back and turned to lead him away.

"Fucking Faggot." Wham. Brian gaped as the man staggered back several feet clutching the side of his face, and then toppled over. Shaking out his fist, Steve glared at the prone form on the floor.

"Bloody Sod." Brian stared up at him.

"St-Steve! Oh my God Steve." He stammered, one hand gripping his hair. Steve hugged him breathlessly, noticing the way Brian was trembling. He pulled back, looking down at his best friend.

"C'mon, Molks."  The crowd parted for Steve this time, and Steve couldn't help but chuckle to himself. The two sat down at the bar, and Brian promptly ordered his second vodka of the night. His fingers were shaking rather violently as the bartender handed his drink to him. "It's alright, Bri." Steve comforted, patting Brian's leg. "Just calm down, yeah?" Brian nodded tremulously.

"What'll it be, mate?"  The bartender asked the drummer.

"Pint o' Henry's." Steve requested.

"Right you are."

"Did you know him?" Steve asked. Swallowing a rather large gulp of his vodka, Brian shook his head.

"He kept trying to buy me a drink and I said no, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer." Brian ran one hand through his already mussed hair. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't shown up. Thanks, man." Steve nodded.

"Of course Molks. I could never let anything happen to you--thanks." Steve accepted his beer from the bartender. Brian smiled faintly. "So where's Gyp?" Brian wrinkled his nose.

"Left to shag some prick." Steve lifted one eyebrow.

"Interesting."

"So how'd that 'business' you had to take care of, go?" Steve shifted rather uncomfortably.

"Um it was good..." Brian raised one eyebrow.

"What was it over?" Steve coughed lightly.

"Oh erm--just something about sitting in for someone." Brian was quiet, getting the idea that Steve wasn't being entirely truthful with him.

"Oh. Cool." Brian looked away. He was more than a little hurt that Steve wasn't sharing everything with him. And then there was the fact, that Brian wanted Steve to himself. He didn't want Steve playing for other bands. But he couldn't tell him that. Steve had to make a living somehow. Steve grimaced to himself and gulped down his pint.

Brian did his best to get over Steve's reticence. They sat at the bar, steadily getting more and more drunk. Even though he was small, Brian was actually quite good at holding his alcohol. However this was counteracted by the large amount of booze Brian usually consumed. Steve on the other hand--well the man was huge, but yet he got trashed quite easily. Brian fell over the counter giggling hysterically, while Steve sat with his head on the cool surface of the bar laughing his gut out. What they were laughing over, Brian's foggy brain was having difficulties remembering.

"I wanna be black." Steve said suddenly, sitting up and flicking his hair out of his face. Brian choked on his drink.

"Black?" He shrieked, sloshing the vodka over his hands. "Why?" Steve thought about this, his eyes slightly over focused.

"Yup. 'Cuz then I could walk 'round dick slapping." Steve looked quite proud. Brian dissolved into hysterics again. 'Cuz, mate, I mean if you're a big bloke whose black, you've got to slap people with your dick! And I like taking out me dick!" At this, Brian fell off the stool, dragging his cup with him. Steve howled in laughter, banging his head back down on the counter. A second later, Brian tottered back onto his feet, holding his now empty glass over his head.

"Thas' funny." He slurred. He attempted to sit down, missed the stool, and tried again. This time he was successful. He grinned blearily at Steve. "Steve wants to be black." He tittered to himself. He put the glass to his lips and tried to drink. Nothing. He put his head all the way back, holding the glass upside down over his mouth. Still nothing. Pouting, Brian dropped the glass back down on the counter.

"It's empty!" Steve bellowed. "Theress nothing in there!" Brian stuck his tongue out at the drummer, his eyes crossed. Steve reached out and swiped at Brian's tongue, trying to grab it. The midget yelped in surprise and clamped his hands over his glossed lips.

"Nooo!" He half whined, half giggled. Steve finished off the rest of his beer with a loud smack and wiped his hand across his mouth.

"Mmmh." He beamed. "I love beer. Love it. Love, love, love it." Brian gave a muffled giggle, his hands still covering his mouth.

"Mmfhee phtoo." Steve blinked in confusion.

"Whassat?" Brian dropped his hands.

"Silly. I said, me two!" He fluttered his eyelashes at Steve. "Stevie, dance with me!" He whined suddenly, tugging at Steve's arm. Steve wrinkled his nose.

"I don't like dancing, Bri." He moaned.

"Pulleease!" Brian pouted. Steve sighed.

"Fine." Brian jumped up.

"Yay." He dragged the drummer onto the dance floor, attaching his arms around Steve'?s neck. After a minute, Steve gave in and began to move his body along with Brian's. Brian let his eyes close, grinding his hips against his friends. Steve, his own eyes closed, moaned softly. He pulled Brian's hips closer to his, giving himself over to movement of the dance. Brian tittered, pulling away. Steve opened his eyes and gave his own version of the Molko pout.

"Bitch." He teased. Brian spun around, backing into Steve, taking the muscular arms and draping them over his neck.

"Better Stevie?" Brian murmured.

"Yuss." Brian chuckled, swinging his hips to the heavy metal song blaring through the club. Sweat was glistening on Brian's forehead, as he let his head fall back on Steve's chest. Steve wrapped his arms around Brian's waist; oblivious to the looks they were getting from the predominantly straight crowd.

"I'm tired." Brian mumbled after a while. He opened his eyes and wriggled around to face Steve. "Now 'tis Molksy's sleepy time." He pulled heavily on the drummer's hand. "Stevie bean, take me home." He whined.

"'K Molkses. Hold on to your knickers." Steve snickered at that. "I's got to piss. Go get a taxi."

"Yay!" Brian did an odd twirl around and then began to push his way out through the crowd of reeling dancers while Steve staggered to the loo. Brian found his way to the club entrance and stumbled out. The icy air hit his flushed and sweaty body forcefully, making him blink rapidly. There was a huge mob waiting on the curb for a taxi. Brian wrinkled his nose. Ah ha he thought vaguely. If he were to go down to the next block, he could get a taxi before it reached the pushing throng of clubbers. Pleased with his own personal genius, Brian tottered away from the club. He'd just rounded the corner, when he heard someone behind him. Thinking it was Steve catching up with him, Brian turned halfway. He caught a mere glimpse of the man's brown hair and a flash of silver, before he felt something razor sharp at his neck. There was no time for Brian to be surprised, before he was harshly shoved into the ally and up against the wall.

Authors Note: Steve's line about wanting to be black and dickslapping people came from the amazing bleedlovedrink on Jivejournal. That girl just has amazing conversations! Nothing was intended to be racist, so hope no one was offended

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