Back to Index Chapter 12

The heroin dealer pushed Brian down on the bed, already slithering out of his shirt. Brian's eyes were immediately drawn to the scars across Danny's chest--the open wounds on his arms. Harsh lips crashed down on Brian's, suffocating him as Danny pulled Brian's shirt up and over his head. Brian's heart was beating a mile a minute. He didn't want to be here. Sucking feverishly on Brian's neck, Danny began to undo his belt. Starvation was starting to look like a better option--Rough hands pulled at Brian's jeans and underwear, yanking them down his legs. Immediately, Danny's hands began caressing his inner thighs and despite himself, Brian felt his body respond, even though his mind was screaming at him in disgust.

Slowly, Danny's hands crept closer to Brian's cock, making it twitch awake in reply. Brian swallowed, letting his head fall back against the pillow, eyes closed. Just let him get it over with. Danny emitted a small moan as he ran his hands over Brian. "It's been too long..." He murmured, more to himself than to the smaller man beneath him. Keeping his eyes closed, Brian began to purposefully slow his breathing, letting his chest rise and fall--letting his body go with the flow...lips, softer than before caressed his smooth legs, nipping gently at his pale thighs, and then soothing the bite with a warm tongue...

Brian inhaled, his back arching slightly. Gone was the grungy room and musty bed sheets. Gone was the unwashed and slightly high drug dealer. Angel soft lips. Tender fingertips brushing against his entrance, making him moan out loud. He was sent back, memories flooding his mind, reminding him of a sweet love affair that his heart had never truly let go--right before his eyes he could see the softly glowing candles sitting on the tidied desk, and the bouquet of crimson roses resting on the pillow--"Let me show you, baby--Let me love you."

Brian whimpered, as the fingertips probed inside of him none to gently. The shining image in his mind cracked at those first pangs of pain, but he kept his eyes clenched tight, envisioning his guardian angel sitting astride him, caressing his chest, whispering words of sweet comfort. Smoothing his hair from his face. Planting feather light kisses on his collarbone...The fingers were wrenched away. Brian gripped the sheets knowing what was coming next.

"Scream for me baby." Danny panted, and with one vicious thrust, enveloped his red throbbing cock deep inside Brian. The guitarist's lips parted, and he sucked in a great gasp of air, but no sound came out. He was gone--too far away for Danny to get him. Each thrust into Brian's fragile hips brought Danny nearer to heaven, and Brian closer to hell. Another thrust, more brutal than the last, brought Brian crashing down from his protective fantasy. His eyes snapped open to find himself still lying on a heroin dealer's bed, with Danny lying on top of him, sweat pouring down his chest, eyes shut, mouth gaping. Brian did scream then. He screamed so loudly, he was sure that Danny's neighbours heard him and thought someone was dying. Danny grunted one last time, and came forcefully, hips grinding against Brian's. Something inside Brian died at that moment. Several tears trickled down his cheeks, and were soaked up by the stained sheets. He would never be whole again.

****

Brian pulled the blanket up over his head, choking back furious sobs. He wanted to hide away from the world forever. Part of him desperately wished that Gypsum would come home to comfort him, but the other half of him was terrified to hear the door, not wanting his friend to see him such a wreck. Shivering, Brian hid his face in Gypsum's pillow. Even though she had been gone for nearly three weeks, it still smelled like her, giving off a faint scent of cloves and lilac. It gave Brian some manner of strength in her absence. "What've I done?" Brian choked out, tears spilling onto the pillow. "What the fuck have I done to deserve this?" In a sudden fit of anger, Brian screamed in anguish, his small hands gripping the pillow in a death hold. He kicked the blanket away and sat up. His face was streaked with black from his mascara and eyeliner.

"My whole fucking life has just been one disaster after another!" Brian shouted wildly to the empty room. "What the FUCK are you playing at? What have I done to offend you so much?" There was a muffled floomp; as Gyp's pillow hit the wall and exploded into a million feathers. "Why do you hate me so much?! What do you want from me?!" He dissolved into frantic tears again, collapsing back onto the bed. For several minutes, the only sound to be heard were Brian's choking sobs. His body began to drift into slumber, his hold on the blanket relaxing. He pulled the quilt up against his chest, burrowing underneath it. "I'm sorry." He whimpered, keeping his eyes tightly shut. "Please help me..."

****

Hoisting up his fishnets, Brian straggled up the stairs and jammed the key in the lock. He desperately needed a shower. Wrinkling his nose, Brian pushed open the door. There had been a time when fucking someone to get what he wanted had excited him--it was a forbidden place--seeing how long it took for the middle-aged straight men to begin to melt and bend.

Only now it wasn't rich influential men. Now it was a dirty, and in Brian's opinion, slightly psychotic drug dealer, who was none to gentle with his playthings--which currently happened to be Brian. Now, Brian felt like the whore he was. Fucking Danny just to survive. If only Steve could see him now. See what he'd become. The drummer would recoil if he could see what Brian really was. Glumly, Brian tossed away his jacket, uncaring of where it landed.

"Gyp you here?" Brian called out half-heartedly. There was no answer. Brian snorted derisively to himself. "No. Of course you're not." She'd called earlier to tell him, finally, that she'd gotten enough of the 'good stuff' to share with him, but she'd hung up relatively quickly, mumbling some manner of bullshit excuse.

Sighing dejectedly, Brian dropped his keys on top of his jacket and slouched down the hallway, intent on making it to the bathroom. But then, as he passed the bedroom, he paused and doubled back. Gypsum was lying on the bed with an empty syringe held in her limp hand, dark hair spread around her head like a halo. Rolling his eyes, Brian stomped into the room. "Couldn't have waited for me?" He demanded furiously, wondering if Gyps was too far-gone to even understand what he was saying. "You're gone for fuck knows how long, and you don't even have the fucking decency to wait?" He leant to pick up the syringe. "Do you have any idea what I've had to do to survi--" Brian stopped dead, his fingers inches from the needle. His heart began to speed in horror as he noted the way Gyp's lips were tinged blue--and then the mess of vomit on the bedspread. He stared at her, terrified, his breath caught in his throat. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to make himself inhale. His head began to spin. "G-gyp?" He choked finally, lips trembling. There was no answer. Only silence--the sound that Brian had become accustomed to over the last month. But now it terrified Brian in a way, he'd never thought possible.

Brian stood, unmoving, for what seemed to be an eternity before tentatively reaching out to touch her hand. Ice. "Oh God." Inhaling sharply, Brian stumbled away from the bed, his hand groping for the phone.

****

His hands shaking, Brian listened to the phone ringing. She'd been gone for what seemed like an eternity to Brian, but may only have been a week. Brian still expected to see her walking back into their flat, joking about how Brian was such a worrier. It didn't matter that Brian had seen her wide and staring eyes, or heard the doctors tell him that she was dead. It didn't matter that he'd seen Gypsum being placed on the stretcher, and the white sheet being laid over her still body. Or that he'd seen the dirt being shovelled over her coffin. All that mattered, was that Gypsum couldn't die. She couldn't leave him. She'd promised. She had been Brian's best friend since school. She'd been there for him throughout everything. Every time God had turned his back on Brian, it had been Gyp who opened her arms to him. But now Brian had realized something. God either hated Brian, or didn't exist. He chose to believe the latter, if only because it made him feel better.

The phone rang once more, and this time someone picked up. "'Ello?"

"Hey, Steve." The phone crackled and Brian had to strain to hear his friend's voice.

"Molks! Hey man! It's great to hear your voice. I've fucking missed you." Brian smiled weakly. "I wish you were here Molks, this whole thing is brilliant! New place every night--new bird every night!" Steve chuckled to himself. Brian swallowed, trying to hold back his tears.

"Steve I have something--" The phone line fizzled once more.

"Oh shit--sorry Molks, I've got to go--the bus is leaving." Brian felt his heart sink even lower. "I love you, Molks. I'll call you later, yeah?" Without waiting for an answer, Steve hung up, leaving Brian listening to an unresponsive dial tone

****

I'll always be here for you Brian...always...

Brian tossed and turned in his bed, twisting the sheets into a hopelessly jumbled knot. He'd been lying there for ages, desperately trying to fall asleep in the empty bed. He felt the absence of the warm body beside him, now more than ever before. His forehead and chest were covered in sweat, and he threw the sheets back in an attempt to cool his feverish body. Why'd she have to leave me? Brian thought bitterly to himself. Do I mean that little to her, that she would dump me for the first bloke who offered her a fix? Brian flipped onto his side, staring glumly at the blank wall. The clock read 02:30. He'd been in bed for four hours. Sighing he closed his eyes, willing his body to fall asleep--There was a loud creak out in the hall, and Brian felt his face flush in sudden fear. The heat moved down his body, causing him to shudder and kick back the blankets even further. There was another creak--louder this time, and closer to his door. Brian's eyes shot open, stretching wide, searching for anything that was out of the ordinary. He could feel his heart pounding painfully in his chest. Straining his ears, Brian tried to hear over the roar of his blood. And then, making Brian's heart stop dead in his chest, there was an ear-splitting scream from the hallway--right outside his door. Brian sat up, clutching the abandoned sheet to his chest. He was shaking violently, his trembling hand reaching for the light switch--but then he saw the shadows move near the doorway.

His breath caught in his throat, and unable to breathe in or out, he merely sat there. The shadow grew larger and then to Brian's utter dread, a man materialized from the dark hallway, leaning against the doorframe. Brian's eyes widened, and he fought for his breath, trying to force his head into action. And then recognition hit him. The chin length brown hair, that fell into his icy grey eyes--Brian nearly fainted, remembering his touch--the way he had shoved him up against the brick wall--forcing his disgusting erection into Brian's mouth...how did he find me? Brian's mind screamed in panic. The man just smirked at him from his position next to the door, playing with a lethal looking knife in his hands. Let it be a dream, please let it be a dream. The man's smirk widened and then he pointed towards Brian's pillow. Confused, Brian looked down. On his pillow smeared in something red and sticky, were the words 'you won't wake up yet.' His face contorting in horror, Brian rolled backwards off the bed, he hit the ground with a hard thump and his eyes shot open.

He was still in bed--Brian let out a sigh of relief and turned on his side, only to find the man standing next to him, watching him. Brian screamed in terror. Laughing, the man pointed once more to the pillow, this time with the hand that was holding the knife. 'One more time.'

This time, Brian kept his eyes shut. He knew what he would see when he opened them. Knew, because he could feel the man sitting next to him. He could feel the indent in the bed, gravity making his body want to slide towards the edge. He could feel the heat radiating from the man's body. Very slowly, keeping stalk still, Brian opened his eyes. The man's eyes glinted in the silver moonlight streaming in through the curtains. Brian's lips parted, but no sound came out. Oh god please! The man lifted the knife in front of Brian's face so that the guitarist could see it, and then slowly lowered it.

"You didn't want to be alone anymore, Brian." The man simpered, bringing the knife to Brian's bare chest. "So here I am."

"No, please." Brian whimpered, trying to disappear into the mattress. Ignoring him, the man drew the blade across Brian's ribcage. Brian gasped with pain, watching the line of red appear, smearing his chest with blood. And then another, and another, until Brian's face was glistening with tears, and his chest was crisscrossed with angry red lines, the blood seeping down onto the mattress...

I'll always be here for you Brian--always...

Brian's eyes snapped open, his mouth wide in a silent scream. His body was drenched in a cold sweat, and he was panting as if he'd just run several miles. Immediately, he scrambled out of bed, fumbling with the lamp switch. Finally he heard the click, and light flooded his room. Breathing heavily, and shivering fiercely, Brian frantically searched the room for any sign of the man. His hands, wavering, came up to his chest, but the cuts were gone. There was no blood, his pillow was clean, and his flat was silent. "Fucking hell." He whispered shakily. He looked at the clock. 3 in the morning. Brian sat back down on the very edge of his bed, but he was shaking much too violently. He needed someone; he didn't want to be alone. Brian brought his arms around his chest, staring at the phone, debating with himself whether or not he should call.

He sat in silence for at least five minutes, feeling like a frightened child who is too scared to go into his parent's room after a nightmare, for fear of being scolded. But then in one fluid movement, Brian lunged for the phone, and snatched it up off the cradle.

****

Steve pulled back, annoyed, and stared at the beeping phone on the dresser. The girl beneath him squirmed, trying to re-claim the drummer's attention. "I'm down here, Steve." She purred in her horrid American accent. Ignoring her, Steve reached for the phone. Pouting, the girl began stroking his partial hard-on. "Don't you want me? I'm more interesting than whoever's on the phone..." Steve sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed, and picked up the receiver.

"Yeah?" He knew he sounded grumpy, but Steve didn't really care. His cock was already starting to claim his blood flow, and the girl did have marvellously large tits...

"St-steve?" Steve stilled at the sound of Brian's panicky voice.

"Molks? What's wrong, babe?"

"I'm--I'm sorry if I'm interrupting something or--or if you were sleeping, I don't know what time it is wherever you are..."

"Brian, what's wrong?"

"Brian?" The girl made a face. "Ew! Are you gay?"

"Shut up." Steve spat carelessly over his shoulder. The girl glared at his back, folding her arms over her voluptuous breasts. "What's wrong, Brian?" Steve repeated.

"I--I just had a really fucking horrible dream--about--about that guy from the bar--and he had a knife--and--and he was cutting me--and--and I keep hearing Gyp's voice in my head--but I know she's not coming back..." Brian was full out sobbing now, and Steve felt a rush of alarm.

"Woah--Ok, Brian. You hold on a second all right? I'll be right back." Steve put the phone down on the bed and stood up. "You have to go." He informed the groupie, while searching for his wayward trousers. She looked at him in complete shock.

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. You need to go. Get your clothes and leave." He jerked his head towards the door.

"You can't just throw me out!" She said furiously, sitting up, and tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

"I can and I will, this is my room, and my best friend needs me." Steve pointed to the door. The girl (what was her name? Linda? Mary? Joanne?) looked as if she were about to argue, but decided upon reassessing the situation, that she had better do as he asked.

At first thought, seeing a 6'1" man standing completely starkers, with a semi hard-on, was quite a turn on. Especially when she thought about what he might do when angry (i.e throwing her to the bed and ravaging her senseless). But then she noted that the furious gleam in the drummer's eye hinted that Steve would probably throttle her if she didn't leave, instead of the forethought delightful sex. So deciding that she could go find one of the other band members to fuck, the girl stood up and flounced towards her clothing. She'd only gotten her pants and bra back on before Steve was ushering her out the door. The girl screamed in rage as the door slammed in her face. "Prick" was the last thing Steve heard before he returned to the bed and picked up the phone.

"Brian?" Steve sat back down on the bed, flicking on the bedside lamp.

"Yeah?" Steve's heart sank at the sound of Brian's meek voice, still choked with tears.

"Ok love, I'm back. Tell me what happened."

"I'm really sorry, Steve." Brian whimpered over the phone. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything..."

"Don't worry about it Molks." Steve soothed. "You're all I care about." Brian gave a loud sniff.

"I just--I was too scared to sit here on my own--I had this fucking horrid dream--there was someone screaming in my hall, and then that guy showed up with a knife s-saying that he was there because I-I didn't want to be alone anymore. Then he started cutting me, and I could really feel it--and--and Steve I just really am so alone." Brian bawled.

"Why are you alone, Molks?" Steve asked, running a hand through his hair, and desperately wishing he could be there with his best friend. "Where's Gyp?" Brian just cried even harder, and Steve felt a huge pang of alarm. "Brian?" He demanded urgently. "Brian, where's Gypsum?" Straining his ears, Steve listened to Brian spluttering incoherently over the phone line.

"Brian, sweetie, I can't understand you."

"She's--she's..." Brian gulped in air. "She over--over dosed, Steve." The drummer nearly dropped the phone with a thrill of horror.

"What?"

"That night at the bar--she--she went off with some--some guy, cuz' he said--said he'd give her, her heroin if she--she fucked him." Brian wailed. "She--she was gone for like three--three weeks, Steve! But then I came home one day and--and she was--she was--" Brian dissolved into hysterics again, while Steve sat on the bed, clutching the phone to his ear, and covering his mouth with his other hand.

"Oh fuck." He whispered, his fingers trembling. Brian, still crying loudly, didn't hear him. Suddenly, Steve remembered the first time Brian had called--he'd sounded upset, but the bus had been about to leave without him...Steve closed his eyes at the wave of guilt. Poor Brian had been left to deal with all of this all on his own. "Brian--Bri, love, shhhh--just calm down. It'll be ok." Steve wracked his brain, trying to work through everything. There was nothing Steve could do for Brian. He was half way across the world, while his best friend's life was falling apart. "Everything'll be all right, Bri." Steve repeated. "Let's talk about something happy yeah?"

Even though his eyes itched with exhaustion, Steve spent the next three hours talking and rambling to Brian about everything and nothing. Brian fell asleep after the first two hours, but judging by the fitful sounds coming from the phone, Steve knew that Brian was still having nightmares. So he kept by the phone, doggedly speaking to the slumbering Brian in as happy a tone as he could manage, hoping that some part of Brian's sub conscious would be soothed by the sound of his voice. Hours later, the drummer finally fell asleep slumped over his pillow, phone hanging loosely from his fingers.

****

Brian quietly padded into the kitchen, trying to make as little noise as possible. Danny was snoring loudly in the bedroom down the hall. Asleep was how Brian liked the dealer. And luckily enough for Brian, Danny nearly always fell asleep after sex. Brian was quite exhausted himself, close to dropping where he stood, but his stomach was grumbling uncontrollably, and he preferred to eat without Danny lustfully watching his every move. So yawning hugely, Brian pulled open the fridge and surveyed the contents dismally. There was hardly anything in there.

Sighing, he reached in and pulled out the ready-made sandwich Danny had prepared for him. Lovely, Brian thought to himself. An hour of horrible masochistic sex, and all he got was a bloody sandwich. If it could even be called a sandwich--it was merely two slices of bread and a thin piece of cheddar cheese. Leaning against the counter, Brian scarfed down the sandwich. His stomach grumbled again in protest as he placed the plate in the sink. He heard the floorboards creak behind him, and immediately became very still, his ears straining for any other sound...

"Trying to sneak out again?" Came Danny's amused voice. Brian turned around. The dealer had pulled on his jeans, but hadn't bothered to zip them up, leaving his disgusting cock exposed.

"I--I had things to--to do--" Brian stammered, looking at Danny's feet.

"Things to do?" Danny repeated sounding more amused then ever.

"Y-yes--I was going to meet Geo--he's--he's back from Italy." This was of course a lie, as Brian had neither seen nor hear from the bassist since his departure from London. But Danny wasn't to know this. Danny regarded him a minute, a small smirk playing on his lips.

"Ah." He said finally, folding his arms over his bare chest. "Well are you coming back for dinner tonight?"

"Erm--I don't think so." Brian stuttered. His stomach gurgled yet again and Danny's eyebrow lifted.

"Right." He coughed lightly. "Well I was gonna order a large pizza..." Brian's mouth began to water. He hadn't had pizza in what seemed like ages. The crispy crust and long strings of melted cheese--"But if you're not coming..." Danny shrugged to himself, and Brian swallowed.

"Well--well maybe I could manage to come over after meeting with Geo." Brian said finally. Danny grinned, his eyes glittering with victory.

"Alright then. I'll be ordering around 8." Brian nodded in defeat.

"Ok." He was still a moment. "Well I guess I should go..." Grabbing his coat from where it sat on the table, Brian made for the front door. Danny watched him go, face shining with vindictive pleasure.

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