Matters of the Heart
Copyright 2002
Would seem fitting for me wouldn't it? My heart would always be a problem for me throughout my life. Of course I didn't know this as a child, but I would soon learn.
Hey there, my name is Brian Littrell and I'm a member of the singing group the Backstreet Boys. Maybe you've heard of us? Eh, no matter. Now, where do I begin? I guess I could tell you about my life a bit.
I was born in Lexington Kentucky, and yes I still have my accent of which I'm constantly teased about, that and the fact that I'm religious. Preacher Brian, Pastor Brian, Brian the good one, boy next door are just a few of the names I see myself being called. It would seem funny to the typical person, but just because I have strong beliefs in god, that calls me to be made fun of? I have to admit it's kinda frustrating and annoying. Religion is important to me, I was brought up in a religious family and it's apart of my life. To have me be made fun of because if it hurts. Also, did it ever occur to everyone that I might not be as good and pure as everyone seems to think I am? Most likely not. But, they'd be surprised.
I have an older brother as well. Had your normal childhood you could say. Did the typical things, hung out with friends, sung in church and all. Well, I ended up having an accident when I was real little and got a staff infection...maybe ya heard of it. Anyway, I got sick, real sick. The doctors told my parents that I most likely wouldn't live and if I did, I'd be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of ma life.
Well, my parents did a lot of praying an all, and well, I recovered fully. I thank god everyday for what would be my first in second chances. Sounds funny doesn't it? Believe me, you'll see later that it's true.
As time went on and I got older, singing became a more important part of my life. As I said before, I was singing in church an all, but it became more pronounced. In school I was in musicals and all that. It was something that I truly enjoyed. Of course I never thought it'd really take me anywhere, I mean come on, the chances are so slim. Well, I didn't know I'd get my big break.
I remember that day like it was yesterday, I got the call from Kev and the rest is history. My life would change forever from that call and certainly for the better. So, I went down to Orlando and met up with the rest of the guys and from then on, I became a Backstreet Boy. Next were voice lessons and coaching and training. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and all, but I missed my family.
I would learn later, that that would be almost a downfall. Maybe that's too strong of a word, weakness would be better I think, yes much better. It's hard when you do what we do and try to keep in touch with your family, gets expensive as well. Well worth it naturally.
So let me think...mmm...the group started to take off a short time later over in Europe and whatnot, our popularity grew and such. Now I won't go through explain' it all cause that'll take too long and that's not what this is bout. As I mentioned earlier, my heart has always been one for concern.
A few years back, I'd say...oh...mmm...four years? Maybe five, I found out that my heart was giving me problems again. Things became increasingly harder and harder for me to do. I'd get tired faster; I'd be run down and sleepy all the time. It got so bad in fact; that I found out that my heart was the size of a football players, far too big for me.
So what came next? Surgery. It was put off consistently for the reasoning that things with the group were taking off and that I'd be ok for a little longer. Well it all caught up with me in the end. Towards the beginning of 98, I made an appointment for surgery after running the risk of loosing my then girlfriend and now wife. I'm sorry but, my life and health was and still is more important. So I got the surgery.
Ya know what's funny? I think a lot of this Kevin blames himself for. I dunno, I just have this feelin' ya know? He sometimes looks at me like he feels like he let me down or somethin' cause he's ma cousin and was supposed to watch out for me. I truly hope I'm wrong though, I hope he knows he did all he could and that I love him a lot.
Whew, sorry. I swear, I think sometimes I'm too emotional, heh heh. Anyway, moving on. Not all of the things in my life were as serious though that's for sure. Joining the rest of the fellas was a great thing. We've been at it for nine years now with no signs of stopping. We've all been through a lot and the guys are like brothers to me, cause we're so close an' all.
Nick sticks out in ma mind as the one I'm most close to...well, used to be anyway. What can I say, I don't want it to be the way it is now. Oh yeah, it's changed and I guess...nah, can't even say it's a good reason. I guess I should explain.
In 97, I met the woman of my dreams, Leighanne Wallace. We dated for about three years and then we got married. Definitely one of the highest points in my life, she makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. If it all ended right now, it'd be ok cause I know she'd be there to support me and love me no matter what. It's wonderful to have someone there who's just supportive no matter what you do. Anyway, the guys were great. Came to my wedding and all and it was just wonderful. Nick on the other hand, he...well he took it hard.
Nick and I were the closest out of the group. I was like the older brother he never had and he was like the younger brother I never had. He came to me with his problems and whatnot, and we're just so much a like. Things started changing though when I started dating Leighanne. I didn't think it'd be a big deal, but after a while, I noticed that Nick and I didn't seem to click anymore. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just blew me off. The rest of the guys noticed, but he wouldn't talk to any of us. And now it's strained. We hang out sometimes and it's just like it used to be, but then he'll look at me with this expression of such sadness and maybe longing, for the past and he just shuts down.
I miss him, a lot actually. After the wedding, he gravitated more towards Howie and AJ , and that's cool and all, but it hurt too. I hate to see him so distant when we used to be so close. Then again I think I could just be making this up in ma head an all. I just don't know. I guess I won't ever know unless he opens up and tells me. I wish he would.
Ok, I gotta go on cause I'm getting' all emotional again here. All right, while on the subject of my marriage, this whole thing with my wife was kinda odd too.
Do you know how hard it is for someone to go online and see things printed about the woman they love all over? It's really hard. Everyone seems to have issues with her body, more importantly one area that I supposedly paid for. That and the fact that she's some golddigger, wanting me only for what I can buy her.
It's extremely hurtful and extremely sad. What do you say to something like that? People and fans are gonna think what they wanna, but what they don't see is the repercussions. There's only so much ignoring one can do. And when you can't ignore anymore, and your wife is crying in your arms asking why they don't like her, what do you say? How do you deal with it?
A lot of the time, people say they should know what they're getting into when they agree to start dating us, but nothing, nothing can ever prepare them for it when it happens. It's a lot harder than one would think to just turn away and ignore it.
So maybe the other stuff is just as serious. The whole thing with AJ is just as serious. I still can't get over it. I look at him sometimes and realize just how strong his is, all the crap he took from everyone. But he came out better and stronger than ever. I respect and admire him so much.
Well, I think that's it. I thank ya for listening to my rambling. It's nice to just get it out sometimes ya know? It's not something I tell people a lot, but I feel comfortable around you. Just think, all this steams from my thoughts on my heart. It's weird isn't it? How everything comes from your heart and it eventually goes back to your heart as well. I guess you could say that at this point in my life, I'm pretty good, with matters of the heart.
