Chapter 42
Nick watched her intently, she hadn't really said much to him since they'd gotten up. She was slightly startled to wake up in his arms and immediately pulled away, apologizing profusely. Nick had called out to her over and over as she slipped from his arms and out the door, but she never even looked back. He felt like he had the plague or something, she wouldn't stand too close to him or look him in the eye and when she did, it was with so much reluctance and guilt it was overwhelming.
Nyla had a tendency to punish herself for the things she did, sometimes more than necessary; this was one of those times. He didn't know what he could do to let her know that things were ok, that he wasn't upset at her.
Nothing was working and he was running out of things to do, brushing against her, cracking jokes, offering food and still nothing. She kept apologizing for things she didn't need to apologize for, it seemed that she was itching for his forgiveness still even though he told her she had it already, she seemed determined that she had to actually earn it.
He had to say that even though she was there, he felt very alone and that in a way, he felt as if he were being unconsciously punished. He knew she was hurt, but he wanted things to go back to the way they were, but she seemed dead set against it.
Their time there was getting longer and longer, it was now six days and counting that they'd been stranded there and it was looking like they were gonna be there longer still. They couldn't continue to go on like this, they couldn't. Things were supposed to be better now that the air had been cleared and they were in a way, but mostly it was strained.
"I was gonna umm...have a Rice Krispy Treat, is that ok?"
"Nyla!"
"Sorry! I'm sorry, forget it."
"No no! Nyla, you don't have to ask, did you honestly think I'd say no? You brought them."
"I'm sorry."
Nick turned suddenly, holding her by the shoulders and lifting her head so that she looked into his eyes. "Nyla, stop...you have to stop this, you have to relax. Stop apologizing for stuff that you don't need to. We have to get past this; we have to move on. Stop being sorry."
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
He sighed; they were getting no where.
Nyla pulled away and backed up, looking away from him. It was too hard to look him in the eye, to do anything knowing what she'd done. He'd said that she had his forgiveness, but it just didn't feel right, it shouldn't be that easy.
She wanted desperately to just go back to the way things were, but she couldn't, they couldn't. It was different, and now looking at him was hard, not because she felt guilty, that was only half, it was more than that. Looking at him brought back all those feelings and sensations that she tried hard to tamp, and now that she knew the truth, the feelings were becoming even stronger.
It was wrong, she knew it was wrong which was why she had to fight it, had to be stronger. Those feelings would only cause trouble and neither one was in the position to do anything about them, that was if he was even feeling anything like she did, she wasn't so sure. She needed to do something to get away from his probing eyes before it was too late and he'd see in her eyes what she was trying so hard to hide.
"I'm gonna call my Mom, check on Grams." She said suddenly, turning and pulling her phone out of her pocket.
Nick sighed and walked over to the couch, sitting.
Nyla dialed quickly and waited, pacing nervously. Finally she was connected and let out a breath when her Mom picked up. "Hi Mom."
"Nyla, I'm so glad you called baby."
"I can't believe I was able to get through on the first try, maybe the weather's clearing and we'll be able to get there soon. We're trying really hard, hopefully the storm will let up soon." Her Mom hesitated a moment before replying.
"Yes baby."
"So, how's Grams? Has she come out of the coma yet?" Nyla asked anxiously. She heard the small hitch in her Mom's voice and she stopped pacing. "Mom?"
"Oh baby...I tried to call you last night, but I couldn't get through."
She swallowed hard, her heart pounding frantically against her chest. "What?what's going on? What's wrong with Grams?"
Nick turned his head, watching her intently; whatever her Mother was telling her didn't sound good.
"I...Grams...she..." Her voice broke.
"What Mom? What?!"
"Oh baby, she passed away last night, she's gone honey." Her Mom whimpered.
Nyla stilled, her heart dropping to the floor, her grip on the phone suddenly becoming slack.
"She went into cardiac arrest around eleven last night and they...tried for ten minutes to resuscitate her...but...but she just wouldn't open her eyes."
Reaching out blindly, she grabbed at the couch, trying to stop the nausea that was rising.
"Nyla, honey are you there?"
She swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. "I-I'm here Mom, yeah. Th-thanks for...sorry you couldn't get through last night, I had...my phone turned off to save the battery..." She couldn't stop shaking, she was gonna collapse.
"Don't baby, don't you apologize, it's not like you knew this was gonna happen, and it couldn't be guaranteed that I'd have gotten through anyway."
"Y-yeah..."
"I-I'm gonna let you go honey, I got some more calls to make. You two take care of yourselves and send Nick my love, ok?"
"O-ok."
"I love you baby, I hope to see you soon."
"I love you too Mom."
"Bye baby."
"Bye Mom." Nyla hung up and squeezed her eyes shut, gripping the couch tightly. Gone, she was gone.
"Nyla?" Nick whispered.
She couldn't speak; it took too much energy.
"Nyla? What did your Mom say? How's Grams?"
Turning, she walked slowly, her legs barely able to carry her as she started towards her room. She had to get away, far away. The shaking was worse now, her body shivering violently.
"Nyla? Where are you going? Wait, what did your Mom say? Nyla!" Nick started towards her. Something wasn't right; she was abnormally pale and looked on the verge of passing out. "Nyla!"
She closed her eyes, unable to go on. Taking a breath she whirled around to look at the concerned face of Nick, the numbness and coldness was overcome with a sense of anger and hurt. "She's dead Nick! Do you hear me?! Dead!"
Nick stilled, his heart pounding against his chest. "Nyla, oh god..."
"Is that what you wanted to hear? She died last night! Last night while I was being selfish and thinking of myself and wanting forgiveness, my Grandmother died and I wasn't there! She's dead Nick!"
He reached out towards her, the agony in her eyes tearing at his heart. "Nyla...baby, c'mere."
"No! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" She screamed, anger, so much anger.
He took another step towards her then another and another until he was right in front of her.
"Nyla."
"Stay away from me!"
Nick reached out, grabbing her shoulders, holding her tightly, trying to pull her to him as she fought against him.
"Let me go!" She screamed, pulling and tugging against him, the tears running unnoticed down her cheeks.
"No."
"Let go!"
"Nyla...Nyla stop it...stop baby..."
She couldn't stop; she'd never stop. She brought her fists up, pounding at his chest. "Dead! She's dead Nick! Dead, dead, dead!"
"Oh Nyla." Nick whispered, the tears falling quickly.
Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
She continued to hit him, the blows starting to weaken. "G-gone, she's gone." She sobbed, her fists pounding weakly against his chest. "Oh...she's gone." She moaned, all the fight draining from her body as she succumbed to her sobs.
Nick pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly, the tears spilling down his cheeks.
"O-oh god...N-Nick, she's gone. I'll...never see her again. I tried so hard to get to her...to... I didn't even get to say goodbye...I want her back..." She looked heavenward, "Please God, please...give her back..." She sobbed, burying her face in his neck, her hand fisting in his shirt.
"I'm here baby, I'm right here." Nick soothed, rocking her gently.
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you, and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more
"Mom tried...tried to tell me, but phone...off, I didn't know...I could've done something."
"No honey, there was nothing you could do, nothing."
"M-my fault! Mine!"
Nick frowned, "It's not your fault! You didn't cause this."
"I should've tried harder, I needed to be there! She needed me!"
"You were there, you were always there and she knew that." Just like he'd always be there for her.
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I got a lotta love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on I can't go on
If I'm on my own
He wanted it all back, holding her now he was even more certain. She'd need somebody and he wanted to be that someone. He wanted her with him forever, and he'd prove to her how much he wanted her, how they belonged together, he'd do whatever it took.
Nick didn't know how he'd stayed away, been without her for so long, he didn't realize how much he missed being apart of her life until recently. He wanted closer, he wanted to as much a part of her life as he used to be and he would be.
Take me as I am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
'Cause I am just a man who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
'Till there was you, you and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly
How close to you that I wanna be
"You know what you're gonna do Nyla?"
She sniffled, but didn't answer.
"You're gonna go on and you're gonna live your life and you're gonna miss her, but she'll always be there. It'll be hard at first, but you'll make it through, you'll be strong because I know you are."
She shook her head 'no'
"Yes, you are."
"What...what if I can't? I feel...so alone."
"You're not alone, you're never alone. I'll always be here with you, always." He couldn't be with anyone else, he didn't know how. She was it, and his relationship with Celeste was based on him trying to move on, but she wasn't the one, wasn't the one he'd always been looking for.
He wouldn't let her go again, he wouldn't let her walk away, not when they both needed each other so much. He'd never really been with anyone, Celeste, he wasn't really in that relationship. When he wasn't with Nyla, he was alone. His heart was telling him this was right and he was going to follow it this time.
Do you believe a love could run so strong
Do you believe a love could pass you by
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know
He was hers, if she'd have him, he'd be hers again in a heartbeat. If she could love him again, if they could get back what they lost, they could fill that void in each other's life that no one else could fill, he'd be the happiest man alive.
Nick couldn't be on his own, not when Nyla was there, not when he needed this, her. All he wanted, all he'd ever wanted was her love.
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I got a lotta love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on I can't go on
If I'm on my own
"Promise you'll never leave Nick? I don't want you to go away again, I need you...I miss you." Nyla whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be a part of your life baby, I promise."
She nodded against his chest.
"You'll never be alone." He whispered, kissing her temple. He'd never let her be alone again.
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on I can't go on
Without somebody I can call my own
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
Stay around, you'll never be alone
Will You Still Love Me - By Chicago
