Chapter 41
The door opened and she couldn't help but feel a little nervous.
"Hi Illana, please come in."
She nodded and stepped in. Vanessa closed the door and led her into the next room. She went to ask her something, when she stopped, her eyes widening.
"Illana!" Nick exclaimed, standing up.
"Uh...Hi Nick."
"Please Illana, have a seat."
She bit her lip and walked over, sitting next to Nick. "So Vanessa, what's going on?"
Vanessa came and sat across from them and sighed heavily. "I'm not sure of how to start, so I guess I'll just start with apologizing to the both of you."
Illana stared at her in shock. What had brought this on?
"I've treated you two so badly. I think I need to explain why."
She shook her head, she was totally amazed. She couldn't wait to hear why. She looked over at Nick who looked just as shocked.
"Well, I guess I should start by saying that what you said Nick about me never wanting to be around you in private is right. That I didn't want you to touch me or anything."
He nodded.
"You both...know my family and how they are. Ever since I was little, I was told that crying or showing any sort of love or emotion was totally unnecessary. I was brought up never to show any feelings or anything. When we first dated Nick, things were still kind of new, holding hands and stuff was ok, cause we were still getting to know each other. I know we...were intimate and for me a lot of the time it was forced. I tried hard to feel the way you're supposed to when you're with someone, but I couldn't. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. You were kind and gentle, I'm sorry that I cheated you out of what should've been a pleasurable experience." She explained.
Illana wasn't sure of what to think. She'd known that Vanessa had always been a little distant, and never showed any emotion, she never knew it was that bad.
"So then, when my parents found out that you and I were getting serious Nick, they tried to talk me out of being with you, saying that you weren't stable enough, that you couldn't be there for me. They told me that I needed to break up with you, that I needed someone better. I've never been strong enough to stand up to my parents, so I agreed with them. I became more and more distant, it wasn't really hard for me cause it's what I'm used to. Soon I started believing it and I pushed you both away. When I saw you and Nick on the couch that time, I just flipped. I saw that he was happy, moving on without me and it killed me. Even though I know you two didn't do anything."
Illana looked over at Nick and then looked down.
"I pushed until you both left me. I realized when you came over Illana and then you Nick, of what I was doing. I missed you both so much. I think the realization hit me when you left me Nick, you told me I would end up alone, and that's what I don't want. I've been alone all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not loving and not feeling, of not being able to." She whispered.
Illana looked at her sadly, she couldn't believe it. This whole time it'd been Vanessa not being able to open up, to show emotion. She'd had no idea.
"So I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for yelling, and for just...everything." She turned to Illana, taking her hand in hers. "Illana, we've been close friends for a while, and what I did was just wrong. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Maybe not now, but at some point." Vanessa said quietly.
Illana smiled. "It's ok Vanessa, I understand. I just wish you would've told me. You know I'm here for you. Talk to me next time ok?"
Vanessa looked relieved, some of the tension leaving her face. "Thank you Illana. You're a great friend, a lot better then I've been."
Illana shook her head, wrapping her friend in a hug. "It's ok."
Vanessa pulled away. "I also asked you to be here Illana cause I couldn't do what I'm about to without you."
Illana looked at her confused and watched as she turned to Nick.
"Nick...baby." She stopped, and looked down for a second, before lifting her head. "I'm sorry...so sorry that I let our relationship end. I'm sorry I treated you the way I did. You were so good to me, and you did care. Everything I said to you, I was wrong, so wrong. Do you think you can ever forgive me?" She whispered.
Illana looked over at Nick, his face blank. She wondered what he was thinking. After all he'd been through, for him to finally hear that it hadn't been his fault must've been overwhelming.
"Vanessa I, I don't know what to say."
She bit her lip. "I'm sorry Nick, I swear. I'm trying to fix things, make them better. I know I was never the kind of girlfriend you deserved, I was messed up."
He said nothing, just stared at her. She got up and walked over and sat next to him. Illana felt something like panic rise up in her. She turned slightly, her breathing uneven.
Vanessa reached out, taking his hands in hers. "I know we've lost a lot of time, and that things are rough now. But I think it could still work between us."
'No' Illana said to herself.
"I know it'll take a lot to get things to the way they used to be but..."
Nick stilled. "But...what?"
'Please god...no' It was a prayer now, she kept reciting, hoping it wouldn't happen, but she knew better.
"But I'd like to start over. Nick, I'm asking for a second chance. I want to be with you, I want to be your girlfriend again."
