Chapter 45
"You look terrible."
"Thanks Kris, I try." Illana moaned.
"I've been wanting to tell you that all morning, it's just been too busy."
"You're too kind."
"I know. So how have you been? Doing any better?"
"Eh, I guess. I'm over it now."
"That fast?"
"Oh yeah, at least we're still friends."
"Yeah but, you love him."
"So? I love him, big deal."
Kris stared at her. "Oh stop being so...blasé about it. You want to be with him and it's killing you."
She shrugged. "Well that's not gonna help me now is it? No, so I just deal with it."
"You don't have to just deal with it. Talk to him!"
"That's not gonna change anything!! He's happy and that's all that matters."
"How do you know?"
"How do I know what?"
"How do you know he's happy?"
"Well I..."
"That's right, you don't know. You haven't asked him if that's what he wanted."
Illana sighed. "It doesn't matter really. Nothing would've happened between us anyway, I'm not his type."
"He must've thought so if he said he loved you."
She bit her lip. She couldn't get that out of her head, all last night that's all she'd thought about. He loved her, he loved her. She just couldn't seem to fathom the whole thing. She threw her hands up. "Damnit Kris! I'm just tired of this whole thing! Sick and damn tired of it and ya know something? I don't care...I don't! I just want it to end!!" She yelled in frustration, banging her head on the desk. She heard Kris sigh heavily and she continued to bang her head repeatedly on the desk.
"Illana?"
Slowly she lifted her head, her eyes widening. "Vanessa, hi." She looked around uncomfortably, wondering if she'd heard what'd just been said.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." She said.
"What? No, no you're fine. Just umm...a little stressed."
"Yeah, I come in and your banging your head on the desk." Vanessa chuckled. Illana laughed nervously, that mean she's come in after her outburst. Sighing heavily, she glanced over at Kris to find her looking back at her smirking. She glared at her. "Oh Vanessa, I don't think you've ever met Kris. Kris this is Vanessa, Vanessa, Kris." Illana introduced.
Kris reached forward and extended her hand, studying Vanessa intensely.
"Nice to umm...meet you Kris." Vanessa whispered, clearly a little uncomfortable under Kris's gaze. "Mmm...a pleasure." Kris murmured, titling her head to the side.
Illana rolled her eyes. "Kris! Stop it!"
"What?" Kris asked innocently, a wicked gleam in her eyes.
Illana sighed. "What's up Vanessa?"
She blinked, focusing back on Illana, but still looking nervously back over at Kris. "Oh, I can't stay but I just wanted to come by and invite you out with me and Nick tomorrow. You know like old times. I sorta wanted to make it up to the both of you ya know, dinner and all." Vanessa whispered.
Illana had never seen her look so vulnerable, so...emotional. There was definitely a change. She bit her lip, could she be around them now that they were together after everything that'd happened with her and Nick? She glanced back at Kris to find her staring challengingly back at her. She'd show her, she turned back to Kris. "Sure Vanessa, sounds great."
The worry around Vanessa's face faded and she smiled brightly. "Great! That's great."
Illana realized that she'd been worried that she'd turn her down. "Yeah, I think it's a good idea." She assured her.
"Ok, so I'll have Nick pick you up at seven then?"
"I can drive Vanessa."
"I know, but come on. Please?"
She sighed. "Alright."
"Good! So we'll see you then. It was nice meeting you Kris." She smiled weakly at her.
Kris grinned. "The pleasure was all mine really."
Illana shook her head. "I'll see you later Vanessa." She waved as Vanessa headed out the door. She whirled around at Kris. "Ya know, that was just wrong."
"What did I do?!"
"You scared the poor thing to death, you know what she's going through."
"I was only checkin' her out ya know, to see if she's cracked or whatever."
"Kris!"
"Sorry, sorry!" She called, holding her hands up in mock surrender. "So you're gonna go through with tomorrow huh?"
"And why not? I think it's a good thing."
"I never said it wasn't, but do you think you can handle seeing them two together now?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Oh I don't know, maybe cause of this little thing that you're in love with him. Call me crazy, but that does make it kinda hard."
"It does not. I can handle it. I told you I'm over it, besides it'll be good to see them together, gives me closure."
Kris chuckled. "Closure my ass. You're gonna spazz!"
"Oh thanks for the vote of confidence Kris."
"No problem. I just know the truth."
"And that being what?"
"That you think if you do this and try to prove to Nick that you're fine with everything, that it'll be ok. That you'll be able to go on like it's nothing, that you'll stop caring, but you won't. It won't happen. You two have been through too much for it to be over like that. You just need to realize it."
Illana slumped back in her chair. "I have to do this Kris, I can't afford not to. Like you said, I have to face him sooner or later, might as well get it over with."
"Honey, you don't have to do this to yourself. It's torture. The whole time you're with them, seeing them together. You're gonna think about everything that's happened between you and Nick, and it's just gonna eat you up inside. You're gonna miss him to the point you feel like you can't take it anymore. Do you wanna go through that? Can you go through that? Can you let yourself hurt let that?" Kris questioned.
Illana said nothing for a moment, but stared at the floor. Slowly she lifted her gaze to Kris's. "I'm already hurting like that ."
