Sharing Secrets
Copyright 2001
Pssst! Hey you...yeah, you, the one reading this. Come here...close...closer...I have something to tell you...just don't tell anyone ok? It's a secret. A little more...there, good. This is what I have to tell you, and remember it because it's very important. I'm human. Now, now don't laugh. You'll see why I say that in a minute. Let me introduce myself.
My name is Howard Dwaine Dorough, better known as Howie D. I truly hope you know who I am, or perhaps, it'd be better if you didn't. Either way it doesn't really matter I suppose. If you don't know me now, you will soon.
Let me start by telling you a bit about me. I'm twenty-eight years old and I'm the youngest of five, part Latin and part Irish. I had a typical childhood, did the whole school thing ya know. Musicals and the whole nine yards. Early on I learned I had a knack for singing, actually my sisters did. That's where all the musicals and stuff come in.
So I was off, talent shows, commercials, movies, singing lessons and stuff. During the many talent contests I entered, I kept running into two guys, but they come in later. Anyway, so I think the first part of my whole secret thing came in about this time.
When auditioning for movies and whatever, I had a stage name, Toni Donetti. I'm still a little pissed about this. I was told it'd be better for me to break into the business if everyone thought I was Italian. Now don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against being Italian, but I'm not. I'm proud of my heritage and I think that really had an effect on me more than I realize. One little thing you may find to be of interest is that I was almost apart of Menudo. Look out Ricky Martin! But I digress.
Moving on, a few years later, I auditioned to be in this singing group that was forming. Now at the time, I was still going under my stage name. To make a long story short, which I imagine is too late, I ended up becoming a part of an unknown group called the Backstreet Boys. Here I met up with the two guys I mentioned earlier, AJ Mclean and Nick Carter. I had no idea what lay in store for us. A short time later, we were joined by Kevin Richardson and his cousin Brian Littrell. Brian and Kevin weren't the ones who were there when I joined, but we don't really consider ourselves Backstreet until they came along.
Here's where the bulk of my secret comes in. I've learned something along my eight years of being a Backstreet Boy. One, that people can be funny. Two, they can be very kind, (I saw this tenfold with the loss of my sister and the outpour of love from friends and fans) and three, and most importantly, people can be cruel. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a negative person by any means, but when you're often at the end of the cruelty, you start to become weary.
What do I mean you ask, well I'll tell you. If you're one of the people who reads this that happens to know who I am or have seen me on TV or whatever, you know that I don't...say much sometimes. Most people don't want to believe that, Nick was known to be the quiet one, but he's changed and so have I.
I'm the one who'll sit in back or off to the side in an interview and just sort of watch, let the others talk. Every once and a while a question is directed towards me and I'll answer and that's it. I calmly sit back, (If you don't know, I'm known for my calmness) and let the others answer. Sometimes I'm even totally ignored by interviewers, but I usually just shake it off. No biggie right?
Next we have our very excited and very loyal fans. We love our fans very much but I think this is where the main part of my problem lies. Don't get me wrong I'm not associating our fans with cruelty, not at all. I think that sometimes though, they forget that we're all human (There's that word again, shhh...keep it down. Don't let anyone know!) and that like them, we hurt too. For me it's even more so.
Ok, yes Brian and Kevin got married. Yes Brian's dogs got stolen, yes they had hate mail and hate sites dedicated to the destruction of their marriage...it's all about love right? Anyway, there seems to be a particular interest with our personal lives, which I suppose is to be expected. Who are we dating? Are we going to get married? Can I have your baby? So much for a guy to think about. So when the time rolls around for Nick and AJ to have someone, and they're "off the market" so to speak, that's when I come in.
Fans have a very interesting, very painful view on my sexuality. It seems to be a hot topic for debate and contrary to popular belief, yes, I do know about it. I can't quite explain how I feel when I go to a fan site what has me labeled as, and if you'll pardon the expressions, I don't care for them myself, fag, queer, or Homo. As much as I love our fans, it doesn't stop it from hurting.
Apparently I bring it on myself, or so I'm told. My liking of the color purple for example. Ohh damn I forgot! Purple is a GIRL'S color right? Silly me! Another thing is the fact that I have great taste in clothes. Now why is it that AJ loves to shop and that's ok, while if I dress nice or like a certain color, I'm gay? Is it cause he's got tattoos and numerous piercings? Does that make you more of a man? I just don't get it.
Maybe it's because of the fact that I don't go through women like tissues, that I don't have a different girlfriend every other month like some other guys. Or maybe it's because I hang out with my sister a lot. Is that a sissish way to act? To love your family?
Am I bitter? Maybe just a bit, am I hurt? Sure after all...I'm human. Perhaps that's my fault that I'm human just like the fans and the critics and everyone who ever says anything derogatory.
Sorry but I can't do it. I can't sit back and preach and say that because of the way a person is, then that makes them a certain way. I can't judge and single out anyone's actions cause I'm not in the position to. I can only imagine what it must be like for those who really are gay, the words and the stares they must get. All I can say is to put yourself in their shoes. Think of how you would feel, what it would be like on the receiving end.
Whew, it's getting nippy out here. Maybe I should zip up my coat now and lift the collar up a bit around my ears...there, that's better. I guess it's time for me to head home.
So that's my secret, and while I'm pouring my heart out to you, I guess it's safe to say that I've spent many a night be it in my bus or hotel room, crying, yes crying. Oh god that makes me gay too right? Men aren't supposed to cry. It's hard to be alone, and I guess I'm just waiting around for the right woman. Some one who'll love me for me and who'll be able to deal with my lifestyle. Sorry for not rushing everyone.
Well here I am, back at my hotel. Should be heading up, we're taking off tomorrow to another venue here in Japan and I need some sleep. Hey, I just want to thank you for listening. It means a lot to me that you're still here at the end. So please keep in mind what I said and well now that I think about it...go ahead. Tell my secret, share my secret. Let everyone know that the Backstreet Boys, no matter what happens, are human. Just like you, just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, we hurt too.
