Strong Weakness
Copyright 2002
God I hate looking at that, I really do. It just reminds me that I'm not who everyone thinks I am. Oh, you're reading this? Thank you, I appreciate it. So I guess you're a little curious about what that means about me right? It probably doesn't fit into your preconceived notion of how I am right? Yeah, I thought so. On the small chance that you don't know me, but I'm guessing that you do since you're reading this and wondering how it relates to me. Let me introduce myself for those who read this that may not know.
Hello, my name is Kevin Richardson. I'm thirty years old and I'm the oldest member of the singing group the Backstreet Boys, maybe you've heard of us before. I'd like to say it doesn't matter, but it's kinda relevant to the title up there. No matter though, It'll all be explained.
Let's see, where should I start? I guess the beginning is the best place. Ok, well like I said I'm thirty years old, and I'm originally from Lexington, Kentucky. I have an older brother and I'm married to a wonderful woman of about a year.
I'd like to say that the fact that I became a Backstreet Boy was a fluke, an accident, but looking back on everything, I don't think it was. I think, I think I should get to my point here, explain why the title, fits me.
If you didn't know, I have the role of the "Big Brother" in the group. Meaning I'm supposed to watch out for all the guys and make sure things run smoothly, and I do this. But what's the price? Don't get me wrong please, I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me, or pitying myself, hardly the case. I just, I just want you to understand that looks can be deceiving, and even the ones who're supposed to be strong, have weaknesses too.
First off, before I get started on the rest of the guys, I wanted to talk about my father. My dad died on August 26, 1991 from cancer and since that time, I've never been the same. A part of me looks back and wonders what I could've done to make things different, to change it. In a way, I blame myself, as if I could've done more. Logically I know this isn't true, I mean, I was just a young man. But this whole guilt and blame thing would later follow me.
So this brings me up to the time when I met the guys. We met up a few years later and I called my cousin Brian up to join the group and the Backstreet Boys were formed. As the years went on, I became aware of this...role that was set upon me. I realized that everyone expected me to be the leader, just because I was the oldest.
I was often asked if I felt some kind of responsibility to the rest of the guys to help them and be sort of the father and brother to them that a lot of them didn't have on the road. Nick and AJ were the youngest, with Nick being only thirteen when we started. So I accepted the role and here it is nine years later and I still have it.
I've changed a lot since then of course, a lot of things have happened that made me feel like the control I was supposed to have in the group, didn't really exist. I began to question my abilities as the responsible one, the older brother role seemed to be fading, that or I was messing up big time. I fear it was the later. I don't know if it was just some screwed up fate, but something seemed to happen to each of the guys that I felt was some sort of direct sign that I wasn't doing my job. Let's go in order of how they occurred. First up is Brian.
Brian is one of the more difficult guys for me to talk about. AJ is the other, but we'll get to him later. Brian's situation was very hard for me. I'd known him way before the group and he's family. He'd had problems with his heart when he was younger that we'd thought had been fixed. So everything went fine for a while. One day Brian went in for a check up, and it was discovered that he had a hole in his heart and that it was getting bigger and bigger. Too big for someone of his age and size. Surgery was required, but always put off on management's insisting. That was my first mistake there, I should've done something, anything. It shouldn't have gone on for as long as it did.
We all noticed a change in Brian. He would get tired faster, he was worn out all the time. And I just say back and let it happen too. Finally it got to the point where he could wait no longer, and with the risk of loosing his then girlfriend, he finally went into surgery.
The waiting was terrible. Afterwards, I remember seeing him with the IV in him as he walked around down the hall and it just... I'm sorry, it just gets to me, even now. Where was I? Oh right, IV. So after that, things got better for him. He made a full recovery and he's out there again doing what he loves to do. Frequent doctors visits and all.
I can't help but look at him every so often and think, god we could've all lost him. He may not be here, and why? For what? Cause management didn't think it'd be a good move. And what did I do? I stood back and let it happen, let him get sicker and sicker with each passing day. I was supposed to be the responsible one and yet...it happened.
Moving on, because I'm a little unsure if Howie or Nick was next, we'll just go for Howie. Poor Howie, he's had it rough these last few years. If he's not being teased and picked on by Nick, then it's the fans. They seem to have this issue with his sexuality. Howie's a very private guy and keeps the women in his life as such. Because the rest of us guys are...kind of open with the women we date and whatnot, and Howie isn't, people talk.
It hurt me to see him so sad and sometimes not wanting to do an interview or perform for fear of what he'd hear. He pretty much stays off the internet, that's where most of the things are found. We all see him, watch him and it's very depressing. Howie is a great guy and this is one worry he doesn't need. Now as if that wasn't bad enough, life threw Howie another road block.
A few years ago, his sister Caroline died from the disease Lupus. It really hit his family hard. Once again we watched as he just sort of...fell apart. He never got to say goodbye and it all just didn't seem fair to me. Again that feeling of guilt came over me. If I was any kind of brother, I would've done something else. I mean, I knew what it was like to loose someone, but what do you say to make them feel better? That was my problem, I didn't know what to say. I think I could've made sure he'd seen his sister, made sure he got on an earlier flight...something.
Wow, this is really depressing. If this all seems a little up in the air to you still, hang in there. All will be explained at the end. I applaud you for making it this far. Thank you. Only two guys left. Next, Nick.
Nick, where can I begin with him. The youngest and maybe the one out of all the guys whose the hardest for me to get along with. All that said, I love him like a brother, we've been through a lot. He's also had it kind of rough over the last few years.
Nick is the one in the group that you find most fans affections seem to be geared towards. With this comes the unnecessary dislike for anyone he dates. This was one major issue for Nick, his choice of girlfriend was a big problem for him. We'd watch as he pulled his hair out trying to keep it private, how he had to lie about dating anyone. When it did come out, rumors about her started to fly. I watched as he was torn between his fans and between the girl he loved. This we would learn would be the least of his problems.
Family is very important to Nick, as is with all of us. But with him even more so since he comes from a big family and he's the oldest. He relies on them a lot, so when the whole thing with his mother started, it was extremely hard on him.
He came to me a lot asking for advice and I told him all I could, but I don't know if it was enough because the end result was almost an estrangement from his mother. Things are still a little strained with them. He wants things to go back to being normal, and they can't seem to.
Looking back on that I wonder if the advice I gave him as a friend and brother of sorts, was enough. Again did I do all I could? Sometimes I get this feeling that he looks at me, he looks at me and there's disapproval in his eyes. And for some reason, from him, it hurts the most.
This brings us up to AJ. AJ is the other guy whom I have a hard time talking about like I said earlier. His is more recent, but it's been going on for a while.
AJ's drinking became an issue a little while back. The guys and I noticed that he was changing, his moods, his voice, everything. We tried to talk to him about it, but he never listened. It got so bad in fact, that he started missing things. Blowing off important meetings. I stood back and watched as one of my closest friends, slipped away.
He stayed out all night, his wild and reckless behavior almost got the best of him and I was forced to do, what the others couldn't. I had to tell him what he'd become. I yelled at him and told him exactly what'd I'd thought. And then, as I sat on that stage on MTV, the tears welling up, watching as they showed the clip of him singing the song he wrote, the song about being unhappy and needing love, I'd realized what I'd done.
God, thirty year old man crying, then and now. It was for the best of course, AJ went into rehab and got the help he needed. But why didn't I catch it sooner? Why did it have to come to that? We could've lost him and again I'd failed in my duties.
So all of this brings me to my point. I'm not how everyone thinks I am. I'm not strong and I'm not wise. I look back on all of these things and I cringe. I was supposed to be the leader, the one that everyone looked up to. How can I be those things, if I failed trying?
My weakness? My inability to be all that I should be...should've been to them. To my dad whom I can't call up and say I'm sorry. To Brian who I should've forced into the hospital, he'll never know how much I hate myself for that. To Howie, for not being able to protect him from the harsh words and stares. And for not being able to say all the things he wanted to hear when he lost his sister. To Nick, for not knowning what to say when he suffered the ultimate betrayal. And to AJ. To AJ for not stopping it sooner and for having to be the one, to show him what'd he'd become.
So you see, those of you who read this that are fans, I'm sorry. I'm not the guy that everyone made me. Such high expectations, and no one knows what it's like. What it's like to have that kind of pressure. I'm not proud of myself and I hurt more than anyone will ever know.
That title, It fits me, I have a strong weakness. A weakness I let no one see, a part of me that I keep hidden from the world, and most of the time, from myself.
Ohh there's Kristen, dinner's ready. I guess I should be heading down then. Thanks for listening, it means a lot to me. I hope this hasn't changed your opinion about me in a negative way. I'll keep doing my best, and I'll always try to be there for the guys in whatever way I can, I love them. They're all grown men, but surprisingly, they still come to me a lot with questions, which makes me think that I'm not that bad.
I hope you don't mind, mind about what I've told you. I'm just me, Kevin Richardson, trying to do my best and to cope.
With my strong weakness.
