When You Loose It All
Copyright 2001
Ok I guess that sounds a little dramatic, but given the situation, for me, it is. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever? Ya know, lost it all? I wouldn't recommend it that's for sure. My situation is very hard for me, something that I knew I'd have to deal with eventually, just not so soon that's all and twice. I guess I should start by introducing myself.
My name is Nick Carter and I'm a singer. All right, that was way too over dramatic. Anyway, I'm a member of the Backstreet Boys incase you didn't know. You're asking yourself, what problem could he possibly have? Well I'll tell you. It started about eight years ago.
I was thirteen when I joined the Backstreet Boys, and I've pretty much grown up with the four other guys in the group, Kevin Richardson, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, and AJ McLean. In a way, these guys became my surrogate parents if you will. I got along with all of them great, but with one of them in particular.
Brian and me seemed to hit it off right from the bat and he became the older brother that I'd never had, me being the oldest out of five. We'd joke around and laugh a lot; he was just as goofy if not more than I was. He was my partner in crime and he taught me so much about life, love and everything inbetween. I could tell him anything, and I knew he'd always be there for me, sometimes it was like he knew me better than I knew myself, and that never scared me cause I knew he wouldn't let me do anything stupid. And when some of the roughest times in my life occurred, he was there to help me through.
The rest of the guys did the same, and Kevin especially although we didn't always get along with such a big age gap, but we seemed to overcome that and respect each other somewhere along the way.
I guess in order to fully understand my predicament, I think I should tell you what happened at this time about a year ago. As I said earlier, two things happened that would forever change my life. Two of the guys got married. Yup you got it, took the plunge and now two fifths of the Backstreet Boys are husbands. Which two you might ask? Of course you know, Kevin and that's right, Brian.
Kevin married his long time on again off again girlfriend of about 8 years Kristin Willtis. She's great, and I know she makes him happy. I'd be lying if I said the whole thing took me by surprise, we all knew it'd happen sooner or later, we were all hoping for it. Those two danced around each other so much, that it was almost painful. Kevin was only truly happy when he was with her.
So when the two finally decided to make the whole thing official, I was relieved, sad but a little relieved. I remember watching as Kevin and Kristin said their vows, and Kevin slid the ring on her finger and something inside me sorta I dunno, died I guess. I'd been there of course during their whole dating thing, and I knew how close they were, but still. Well it's a year later, and things with us haven't changed too much. Still the same ole Kev, so I guess it worked out for the best. Brian on the other hand, that was different.
Brian married Leighanne Wallace, his girlfriend of three years. Brian's engagement hit me the hardest as I was totally unprepared for it and so was everyone else. When he told us, at first I was mad, then sad and finally I figured I could deal with it. I was mature, I mean twenty years old, come on. So as the time approached, the more evident it became to me, that things were gonna change with us. I guess I should've known when he met her three years ago, things even then changed a little. Nothing drastic of course. We'd be home for a break, and instead of our normal basket ball games, he'd pass so he could hang out with Leighanne. She'd fly over to visit and I wouldn't see him that much. Of course I didn't mind seeing as how we got to hang out on tour and stuff. What happened next happens with all of our girlfriends, she came with us. On tour, yes and it took a little adjusting. Now she was getting into my territory, and I was beginning to not like it.
One thing I think I need to point out is, Leighanne is great. In fact she's perfect for Brian and we get along well. This is what causes my problem. I saw the two of them together, and it hurt. It hurt cause it wasn't me with Brian, laughing and joking. It was her, and I don't mean in that way. I tried to hide it, but sometimes it was just so hard. I figured I'd have time to get used to it, man those three years went fast. I remember the day it happened, when Brian told us.
He'd invited us to his home that Leighanne and him shared to hang out for the day. So I met up with the rest of the guys and we chilled for the whole day. It was just like old times. Then later Brian walked in, followed by Leighanne; she had this smile on her face that made my head spin. He told us that they had an announcement to make. I blinked once, twice and then came the words that turned my world upside down.
"Leighanne and I are getting married."
I don't know what happened after, my heart dropped as I sunk into the chair behind me. You know that sick feeling, when the world is spinning, and your hands start tingling and you feel like you're gonna throw up? Well that was me right there. The ringing in my ears only increased as I stared blindly at the rest of the guys as they shook Brian's hand and congratulated Leighanne.
"Nick! Man, aren't you gonna say anything?"
That had been AJ. Numbly I stood, shaking Brian's hand and mumbling my congrats, I made an excuse and quickly left. Not very mature, but what could I do? Now the tears that were welling up in my eyes had come as quite a shock, understandably so as I was in complete and utter shock. So when I got home, I just sorta flopped on the couch and stared at the wall. I was totally lost. I don't know why it effected me the way it did, but it was all I could think about. After that I went into "avoid mode". I couldn't be around him until I figured out what I wanted to do, what I was thinking. That didn't work, he couldn't be avoided. Well at first it seemed like a good idea. We were on break so I sorta stopped returning his calls and stuff. I think he may have been suspicious when he'd come by and my truck was in the driveway and I didn't answer the door. Who knows?
Once we started working on the album and headed off to the Bahamas, things seemed to go smoothly, then again none of our girlfriends/fiancées where there. Once again things were back to "normal", but normal only lasts so long as I would later find out. We went back home and it was a short time later that Brian would get married. Everything was about wedding plans, and getting fitted for his tux and the catering and music. And throughout all this, I stood back and watched as my best friend slipped further and further away from me.
Then the day came, September 2, 2000. I'm not sure what I dreaded more, sitting and watching the ceremony or going to bed that night knowing he was married and now someone's husband. I can still remember it, so clear, like it was yesterday.
We all took our seats in the pew. Me and the rest of the guys had just come from seeing Brian. My stomach decided to start to act up and that throw up feeling came back again. I tried to focus on something, the flowers, the wreathes didn't help. Just when I thought I could make it through, the organ started the wedding processional and everyone stood. Stumbling to my feet I turned and saw Leighanne start her way down the aisle. I turned quickly and looked at Brian, the look on his face made something in me start to ache. Happy, I knew he was happy. As we all sat back down, I stared at Brian as he said his vows. This time when Brian slid the ring on his bride's finger, something in me did die. Maybe a part of my innocence and knowing that he'll never be the same guy. He wasn't "My Brian, my best friend" anymore. He was Leighanne's husband, her husband. Now I had to share him, and I wouldn't be the one receiving the majority of his time, at least not in the same way anymore.
Now here it is, a year later and the ache hasn't gone away and the loneliness hasn't faded. I know it sounds selfish on my part, but I can't help it. Things are different with Brian and me now. The comfort isn't there anymore. I don't really joke with him anymore, but then again I've grown up a lot. I don't get too close to him anymore, and I know he know's that I've put distance between us. I can't sit near him; if you look at us before, it's just different. Now it's almost like we're strangers. Every once and in a while we'll tease each other and I'll go back to how it was, but it's only a moment, and then the moment's gone and everything's back to how it is.
Sometimes, I'll look over and see him and Leighanne hugging or kissing and it's almost too much. AJ has been great, and we've gotten closer, but it's not the same, nothing will ever be the way it was with Brian. They all know what I've been going through and they try to talk to me about it, even Brian, but I don't wanna talk about it. I can't talk about it with him. I know what he'll tell me, that it's just like when they were dating, but it's not. I'm alone now, forgotten and I feel left out.
Now as I sit here, in my hotel room writing in my journal, Brian comes busting through the door asking to borrow a pair of socks. I watch him tare through my bags, mutter a quick thanks and walk out. I ask myself one simple question, a question I ask myself every moment of everyday, knowing that I'll never have the answer.
What do you do, when you loose it all?
