House of the Dead
[DVD Info]

Six college students are going to a rave that is on a nearby island. The boat that was supposed to take them had left already so they bribe a fisherman ($1500!!!!!!!) named Captain Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow) to take them to the island. When they arrive no one is there and everything is abandoned. They (typically) split up leaving a couple to have sex while everyone else goes to find other people. They find this shifty looking house and when the go inside they're attacked. But! They're survivors! The people who were at the rave when the zombies attacked got it on tape and share it with the newcomers. Still not fully grasping the situation they go back to find their friends whom they had left behind.

There they meet Casper (Ellie Cornell) who was the marine security who followed them to the island. Why you ask? Well…Captain Kirk happens to be a smuggler…and lucky for these kids he smuggles guns. They try to get back on the boat they came on but it’s been over run by zombies. Thinking it’d be safer to defend the house they were in rather than be out in the open they lock and load and head for the house. On the way they fight hundreds of zombies matrix style and bar themselves into house but on the way they loose Casper, Captain Kirk, and Liberty (an ass-kicking Asian). Will they ever make it out alive? Can they really kill something that’s already dead?

Raves happen on islands, in the middle of the day, with a hundred or so people.
People will pay any price to get to a rave.
Zombie's have mansions.
Zombies can swim.
Girl Zombie's get cold and their nipples show through their shirts.

"I don't like Captain Kirk jokes." ~Captain Kirk.

How do they have a rave on an inhabited island? Where do they plug it in? And don't they need permits for that stuff?? So shouldn't people know they're there?

Uuuurgh! There was sooo much wrong with this movie. I'll explain below.

*takes a deep breath* Alright. Here goes nothing. Now...I'm not saying this movie has to be realistic or anything (certainly far from it...that's something that makes some movies good) but this movie was just totally out of left field. I’ve never played the first House of the Dead (I’ve played the second one) so I’m not sure if they were just following the story line of the game but…it just gets to the point where it’s ridiculous! I mean these people were so STUPID!!! They were not looking out for each other at all and then all of a sudden they’d get all noble and sacrifice themselves (which was totally unnecessary…they could have gotten away). Raagh…like this one guy only sacrifices himself because he’s an underwear model and his face gets a hole burned in it and he just can’t go on. Blah, blah, blah. Personally, I couldn’t bring myself to care about any the characters. They were stupid, annoying, and well…let’s be honest…I was hoping they’d all die (ala House of 1000 Corpses style). Ah well. They also mixed in scenes from the video game (which is lame because the graphics for the first two games are awful) into the fight scenes (so they’ll shoot a zombie and they’ll show the zombie keel over in the game) and then they added matrix stuff. I’ll admit, there were some good matrix-like scenes (I think one or two) but they did the same spinning camera angle for every single person. I guess someone didn’t tell the director that there is such thing as overkill. It went pretty fast (it was an hour and a ½ long) but nothing happens for the first 30 minutes…then an hour into the movie they do almost a recap of the entire movie. I dunno. Of course they left it open for a sequel which I hope doesn’t happen. It was a good concept that was played badly. The movie wasn’t painful to watch but it was a stupid movie. Because of this, the jury gives this flick:

(Unimpressed by the whole scheme of things)

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