Spiritual Journey
By Carissa Hood
Paper written for Bill Markham; OMEGA Challenge 99
In August of 1996 I heard a voice so clear, pure out of the blue that I knew it wasn't my own but God's. All he said was, "You're going to Western."
I started at that moment in history because something very significant happened just a few months earlier.
One day, in early April, my brothers and I had just arrived home from school and our dad had called a family meeting, only our mother was nowhere to be seen.
"I've asked your mother to leave," he said, "she won't be living with us for awhile.
My parents divorced a year and a half later. They never did live under the same roof again. When they were seperated, and not yet divorced, I still had a spark of hope inside of me. One night my mom told me that she had filed for divorce and I started bawling because I felt my heart being ripped in two and crushing the last bit of hope that I had. My whole view of "secure" love was completely shattered.
My dad used to make promises all the time, and only kept some of them. I still don't believe in all of God's promises for myself. It's very easy for me to believe in other people's dreams, but mine seem to stay in my head. I guess what I am trying to say is that all the things our heavenly father say's he'll do for us I have a hard time believing because I think he will break them with some excuse that says to me, "you are not my first priority in any way" or "you can't do that, your too young/ out of shape/ stupid/ passive/ fat/ ugly/ etc., etc., etc.
He tells us he will love us no matter what we do, say or think, yet I've always tried to earn his affection by being kind and letting people walk all over me. When something bad happened to me I always thought it was God punishing me for something I did or didn't do. My brother James, has shown me the problem with this style of thinking. I used to think that I loved God no matter what and that I had to win his affection. (Although I didn't know I felt this way until I came to Bible College). James said that God loves us forever and nothing will change that.
"There are two choices, two paths to take. One is easy, and it's only reward is that it's easy" (unknown)
A very big lesson I have learned this year is to take one step at a time. We're always trying to think of ways of getting places faster. Including our relationship with God. Everything worthwhile takes time. I know it's one of those things that you learn all of your life, but sometimes it just doesn't sink in until it's hit you right between the eyes. It may hurt, but it gets into your head.
Merge. Wow. What a weekend. God broke my heart that first night. He's still making room for the world, trying to stretch it in every way possible. Sometimes i wonder how Jesus survived being human. I mean, with God's heart in that mortal body... Wow, we serve an amazing God.
At the last service, Joyce (the speaker), told us to move a step in any direction to as a symbol that we want to move forward in our relationship with God. I was at the end of my row, so I stepped into the center aisle. Then she told all women to look towards heaven for truth. The church, where Merge was held, has a big overhang above the stage with a big cross on it. When I looked up it was all i could see. The cross. There was a band there that weekend called "Strangely Dim". The meaning behind their name is that old hymn that says, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangly dim in the light of his glory and grace." That's how it was when i looked up to the cross. Nothing could distract me if I was looking up.
"When we are interested in making others happy we are happier than trying to be happy ourselves."
-Francois, Duc de la Rouchefoucould
Expectations are a funny thing. I love to make people smile because I love smiling and I don't always know what to do with a sad face. I've also been put into my little box with a label on it, so everybody knows what to expect so that I know what they expect of me. The way people view me is the mask I put on for them to see. I never got mad at God before because I thought that I wasn't allowed to, being the sweet, gentle person that most people see me as. Then I read the book CS. Lewis wrote just after his wife had died of cancer. It shocked me to see the grief expressed through anger written with such raw honesty. I thought that God would strike him dead for sure. Then I realized that God doesn't care if we get angry with him, he just wants for us to try and know him. I have been learning that God doesn't expect anything from us; just for us to accept his great love. We are his instruments. Only when he works through us do we accomplish great things. Like I said before, he loves us no matter what we do, say or think. We could sit on our butts all day doing nothing, and he would still love us with so much agape.
God shows himself with our weaknesses. When we were in the orphanage in Thailand, we met a woman from Denmark. Her name is Mette. We weren't at our best in the least bit that week, yet God showed himself to her even though we were snappish, tired, and sick of each other. She saw something in us that she wanted. I'd love to tell you that we lead her to Christ, but that's not true. The seed is planted and all we can do now is pray and trust God to draw her to him and plant other seeds on our way to heaven.
I used to get really sad inside when people would tell me how much I encourage them. I would think, "You don't see how dirty I am. If only you could see inside my head." God finally opened my eyes to the fact that that it wasn't me they were seeing, it was him in me. He chose me to be an encourager. That's pretty cool.
"We never realize so vividly as when we are in the full glow of love for others." (unknown)
I would get frustrated when Melanie (my best friend), was too busy to do anything with me, or my youth pastor would laugh at a sick joke, or if Bill didn't have the answer I was looking for. All these people have one thing in common: One, they have all disappointed me in one way or another, Two, they are all human. The only person who will never disappoint me in any way is God. He speaks through people to encourage and uplift. He is the only one who will always know what to say and do.
At Discovery Days this year, the speaker talked about wanting to be well. He told us how he thought that becoming totally wrapped up in his work as a paster made him think he was serving God to the fullest. In the meantime his wife and kids were being left in the dark, as well as his relationship with God. One night God opened his eyes to how sick he was. "I want to be well" was all he said. When he told us that story I thought, "I want to be well too." Sometimes I get really apathetic about everything. That's what I worry about the most, not caring. It's in those times when I need to seek God the most, when I don't feel like it. I was tired of not feeling so I told God that I wanted to be well. He's totally working on me, but I think I've changed a lot this year.
"It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives." -Dr. Samuel Johnson
There was one speaker one particular Wednesday night, who impacted me not so much by what he said, but by his character. His name is Lindsey. His sermon was focused on Holiness and you could tell he actually lived what he preached. He was very passionate, yet very gentle in his approach that you didn't feel condemned but drawn into the inner peace that radiated from everything he did. His honesty and frankness were exhilerating, but not intimidating in the least. Through his example he challenged me with my pride. For one night, I felt completely loved by God still knowing it wasn't the things I did, said or thought that won his love, but the fact that he created me was enough.
That has been the one thing that God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Like James said in my yearbook, "You paid $8000 to find out God loves you." I still have a hard time with it, but it's been totally worth it.