Jokes
Part I     Part II     Part III

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

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Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.

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Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools

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Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...

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Tow-ers will be violated

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Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

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Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

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Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

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Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

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It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.

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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

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Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

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Wink, I'll do the rest!

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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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When there's a will, I want to be in it!

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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
meat?

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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!

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It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

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Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

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Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

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He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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i souport publik edekasion

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The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

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We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated.

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Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

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3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

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Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock.

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2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

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I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
subatomic
particles.

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I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

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Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

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CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS

     Cartoon Law I

     Any body suspended in space will remain in space until
made aware of
     its situation.

     Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further
pastureland. He
     loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to
     look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32
feet per second
     per second takes over.

     Cartoon Law II

     Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until
solid matter
     intervenes suddenly.

     Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
cartoon
     characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone
     pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely.
     Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's
     surcease.

     Cartoon Law III

     Any body passing through solid matter will leave a
perforation
     conforming to its perimeter.

     Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is
the
     speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and
of
     reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly
     through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
     threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this
reaction.

     Cartoon Law IV

     The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
greater than
     or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off
the ledge to
     spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken.

     Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
capture it
     inevitably unsuccessful.

     Cartoon Law V

     All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

     Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock
to propel
     them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an
     adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward,
usually to
     the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
flagpole. The
     feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a
speeding auto
     need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

     Cartoon Law VI

     As speed increases, objects can be in several places at
once.

     This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a
     character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud
of
     altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect
is common as
     well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A
`wacky'
     character has the option of self- replication only at
manic
     high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the
velocity
     required.

     Cartoon Law VII

     Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to
resemble tunnel
     entrances; others cannot.

     This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations,
but at least
     it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to
     trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical
     space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he
attempts to
     follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of
art, not of
     science.

     Cartoon Law VIII

     Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

     Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives
     might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed,
     accordion- pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot
     be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they
     reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

     Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

     Cartoon Law IX

     Everything falls faster than an anvil.

     Cartoon Law X

     For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite
revengeance.

     This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to
     the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of
     watching it happen to a duck instead.

     Cartoon Law Amendment A

     A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

     When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object
(usually a
     pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight
up, with
     great velocity.

     Cartoon Law Amendment B

     The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool"
characters.

     Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make
previously
     nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at
will. For
     instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express
himself
     without speaking.

     Cartoon Law Amendment C

     Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

     They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

     Cartoon Law Amendment D

     Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large
wavelengths.

     Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the
behavior of a
     canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will
begin to
     fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave
reaches its
     torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to
strech. As
     the head begins to fall, tension is released and the
canine will
     resume its regular proportions until such time as it
strikes the
     ground.

     Cartoon Law Amendment E

     Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces
in which
     cartoon laws hold).

     The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the
universe
     which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining
a space
     would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing.
Dynamite quanta are
     quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta
are
     attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of
distress in
     "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special
case of
     this law), who are able to use said quanta to their
advantage. One may
     imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from
primal masses
     of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.



CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

       Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say
cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some
sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -----
dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.

       I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like
most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to
the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

       The time comes, however, when a man must face reality:
when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to
the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day
in
Juarez."
        When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine,
I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend
under your
arm and head for the bathtub:
        -----Know that although the cat has the advantage of
quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.
Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very
small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square,
I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the
sliding-glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker
than a politician can shift positions.)
        -----Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas
overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army
helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
        -----Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to
go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the
glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on
your back in the water.
        -----Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in
fashion as
a rule.  If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you
are taking
part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
        -----Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the
water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of
your life.
        -----Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has
soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold
on to him
for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have
him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub
like
crazy.  He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby
rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so
don't expect too much.)
        -----Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers
always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are
worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.
That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right
leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel
and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the
cat.
        In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed
from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even
become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine.
        You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't
usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a
bath.

       But at least now he smells a lot better.



-=-=-5 Lies told by Teachers-=-=-

1.  I'm not going to grant any extensions.
2.  Call me any time. I'm always available.
3.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
4.  Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
5.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

-=-=-
 
 

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind
direction and
speed. He was driving
his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's
taking so
long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting
her from here!"

-=-=-

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an
alarm went out
to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire
for over an
hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief
and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in
the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give
$50,000 to the
engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the
chief heard
this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the
blaze.
After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the
company
offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the
company's
secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and
another fire
truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company
composed
entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little
fire engine
raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into
the middle
of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as
the old
timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with
an effort
that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical
company
president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000
and walked
over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking
each of
the old men individually the
president asked the group what they intended to do with the
reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said,
"The first
thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"



Ever notice computers as depicted in movies? You computer
guru's will know
what I'm talking about... not sure about everyone else... Here
are some
things to watch for...

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or
some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand
graphical
interfaces. Those that don't have incredibly powerful
text-bases command
shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed
in plain
English. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you
want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise,
you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing
"UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress" or "Independence Day").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
so that it
doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones
also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition
Man" and
countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will
be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually
appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable
by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer
platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons
it has
(Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained,
because the
buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three
dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics
capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright
that it
projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").


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