Jokes
Part I     Part II     Part III


One day Clinton is going to give a speech at an Elementary
School. He asks
the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that
they are
learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to
talk about
Tragedies.

He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running
after a
ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Clinton responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's
an
accident."

Then Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and
they all die."
This time Clinton says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I
think that's
a great loss."

So again Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a
tragedy.
The kid responds, "If you, Hillary, and Al Gore are on Air
Force One and
it crashes."

"Right!" says Clinton to the kid. "That would be a tragedy...
how did you
ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident
and I know
it's not a great loss."
 

-=-=-
 

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along acountry road
one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had
happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a
bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all
ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19
year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
 
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
 
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just
killed the pig".



On a special teacher's day. a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She
shooked it, held
it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is...flowers.
 "That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?" Just a
wild guess,
she said.
 The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The
teacher held her
gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it
is... a
box of candy.
"That's right!" But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
 The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The
teacher held it
over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with
her finger
 and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No, the boy replied.
 The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the
leakage to
her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy
replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

 The boy replied, "A puppy!"



What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

-=-=-

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

-=-=-

Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans
to
sell her story?
She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.

-=-=-

What's Monica going to title her memories? "How to suckseed in
the
Oval Office without really trying!"

-=-=-

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

-=-=-

What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."



A guy finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust
and he's
in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides
to ask God
for help. He goes into church and begins to pray,

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The guy goes back
to the
church.

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my
house and I'm
going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and he still has no luck!! Back to the church

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my
car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask
you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why
won't you just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and he is
confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"IDIOT, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

-=-=-

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about
and make
motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch
at the
side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have
something you
would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the
priest
handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this
to write a
note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just
outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and
scrawled his
message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then,
moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break
the sad news
to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her
the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote
this message
to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

"GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"



A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered.
Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine
that would
transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if
they were
willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of
it. The
doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to
bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20%.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at
how well he was doing.  At 50% the husband was still holding up
fine,
since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the
doctor to
transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually
no pain.  She and her husband were absolutely thrilled.
Everything was
great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their
porch.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She
started her class by  sying,  "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher
said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate
to see you
standing there all by yourself!"


Q.  What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A:  "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."


A man was sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after work, when an
exceptionally good looking woman entered. She was so beautiful
he couldn't
take his eyes off her. She noticed him looking and walked up to
him. Before
he could apologize for staring at her the woman said to him,
"I'll do
anything for you, absolutely anything, no matter how kinky, for
$100 on one
condition".  You have to tell  me what you want me to do in
just three
words". The man considered the proposition for a moment,
withdrew his
wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five twenty
dollar bills,
which he pressed in her hand. He looked her deep in the eyes
and said,
"Paint my house.


Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a
woman's sex
drive by 90%... It is called a Wedding cake.


A man comes home from work to find his wife standing on the
porch with her
bags packed and waiting on a cab.  He asks "what do you have
your bags
packed for?" "I am going to Nevada and sell what you been
getting for free.
 I am gonna sell it for $400 a pop!" she answered.  With that,
the husband
runs into the house and in a few minutes he comes back out with
his luggage
packed and ready to go. The wife asks "Where the hell you a
going?" "I'm
going out there with you to see how you are going to live on
$800 a year!"


Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them
tonight's special
is chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good;
I'll have
that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he
asks. "Oh, he'll
have the fish," Hillary replies.


A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no.  Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day
and asks, "got
any crackers?"  bar tender says no. Duck walks out.  Duck walks
in the next
day and asks got any crackers?  Bar tender says, "I told you
yesterday and the
day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail
your beak
shut!" Duck walks out.  Duck comes back the next day and asks,
"got any
nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"


the judge asks the child "do you want to live with your
father?"."no, he beats
me." the kid answered. " do you want to live with your mother?"
the judge asks
"no, she beats me." the kid answered "who do you want live with
then?" the kid
answers "New York JETS, they never beat anybody."


Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to
each other? They
are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was
having a big
party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and
arrived to
find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He
called the devil
over and said 'Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.'
Satan agreed. The
next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the
fence...but it
was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
'Satan!' beckoned God. 'You have to take that fence down and
put it back where
it belongs!'
'Yeah? What if I don't?' replied the devil.
'I'll sue you if I have to,' answered God.
'Sure,' laughed Satan where are you going to find a lawyer


One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each
had a date on
Saturday night.

The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door.
The first date
says, "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here to take your daughter Flow
to eat some
dough."

The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door,
"the date says
hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here to take your daughter Betty to eat
some spaghetti."
The farmer goes sure.

Then the last date comes to the door. "he say hi, my name is
Chuc-k..."The
farmer goes "Get the hell out of my house!!!



A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too
hot,
It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the
Blarney
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned
today and
so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have
some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
someone who has
kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."



When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on
the
moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one
giant
leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks,
usual
com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission
Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic
remark, 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.'

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no
Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years
many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr.
Gorsky'
statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions
following
a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and
so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front
of his
neighbor's bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick
up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.
Gorsky:
"Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid
next
door walks on the moon!"



A Hollywood producer receives a new script from a talented
new scriptwriter. The script is for an action film, based
around
the lives of classical composers.

To get the ball rolling, the producer starts to call around the
top action film stars to try and sign them up. First, he calls
Jean-Claude Van Damme. He explains the plot of the film
and asks Jean-Claude if he is interested. Jean-Claude loves
the idea and agrees. When asked what part he would like to
play,
Jean-Claude thinks for a moment before deciding on the part of
Ludwig Van Beethoven.

Next, he phones Sylvester Stallone. He explains the plot to
Stallone
and is overjoyed when the star agrees to be in the picture.
"Fantastic,
fantastic Sly! What part do you want?" Stallone thinks
carefully for a
moment before he decides to take the part of Verdi.

Finally, the producer decides he needs one more big star to
guarantee
the picture will be a blockbuster hit, and he calls Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
He describes the plot of the movie to the star, and again he
gets a result.
He inquires as to Arnold's choice of character. The star thinks
for a
moment and then responds "I'll be Bach!"



"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house."

 -- Zsa Zsa Gabore



A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
He sees two women at the other end of the bar and sits
down beside them and asks if he can buy them a beer. They
say, " Sure, but you're not getting us in bed because we're
lesbians."

The guy asks, " What is a lesbian?."

One of the women replies, " Well, it means we like woman more
than men"

The guy then yells, " Hey bartender get us three lesbians a
beer!"



This Paula Jones lawsuit is making more people come
forward. Today a woman claimed Al Gore took her to a motel
once where he proceeded to loosen his tie.

According to the Department of Commerce, 1997 will be a
record year for people visiting the U.S. from other
countries. 8,900,000 are expected to visit from Mexico, and
over seven of them will be going back home.

Anybody know what happened this week in 1839? Abner
Doubleday invented baseball. And it saved his reputation.
Because before he invented baseball, he was just known as
the guy who scratched himself a lot.

Today is the 25th Anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Of
course you know, that's when the Republicans broke into
Democratic headquarters, looking for their secret plans and
their platform. It also marked the last time the Democrats
had any ideas worth stealing.

In Toronto, Canada, there is a museum that displays nothing
but different types of contraceptive devices. Of course,
here in America we call that the Kennedy Compound.

There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's
being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in
America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's
gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't you think? Finally a
male doll with something down there, he turns out to be
gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?



The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay,
you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in
here
again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch."



A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen
upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so
many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "well, you
see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You
have
2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "well what's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "well that's for when you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for
Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The
father replies, "well that's for when you're married. You have
one for January, one for February, one for March......"



Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted
from
politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish'".



Q: What is the difference between stress and tension?

A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when
your
secretary is pregnant.



Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously
knocked on
his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and
charming
as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play
with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls
over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms,
he'll jump
through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling
over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over
the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed
to me."



As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting
outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.  An
Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100
camels
for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.  Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."



A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
enjoying it."


Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It
has been
to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will
bring you good
fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you
must follow
these instructions:

include in your next journal article the citations below.

remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to
your journal
article at the bottom.

make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This
will amaze
your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex
life. In
addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break
the reference
loop, but send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it
on she
was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw
this letter
away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this
letter and put
it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He
found the
letter and passed it on, and his article was published that
year in the
New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K.
failed to pass
on the letter, and in a budget cutback his entire department
was eliminated.
This could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave
theory of
light. Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the
irresistable
pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?: an empirical
comparison
of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday
12,
63-77.
 
4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic
Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with
Emergent Symbolic
Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University of California at
Santa Royale
El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea). 



(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q) pierced breasts

(p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o < o electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for playboy magazine breasts
 

Which one is yours ??



A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and
were nearing a
town spelled Kissimee.

They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to
pronounce it -
KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since
they were
hungry, the pulled into a place to get something to eat.

At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I
can't seem to
be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you
tell me where
we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrrr
Kiiinnnnggg."

-=-=-

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the
peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the
peanuts."

She says, "No problem, since I lost my dentures I can only suck
the
chocolate off 'em."

-=-=-

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking
farmhouse
and raps gently on the door.

When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir,
could you
give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several
days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by
supplying goods
for people. I've never given anything away for nothing.
However, if you go
around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean
paint brush.
If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will
give you a
good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks
on the
door.

The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down
The cook
will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something
that I
think you should know. It's not a Porche you got there. It's a
BMW."


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