MiSTed 100% without permission. This article is supposedly satire. Mike and the Bots belong to Best Brains.
Library science degree: file that under 'stupid'
Mike: Right next to this article.
ACADEMIA:
Tom Servo: The final frontier!
Nothing even remotely scientific, useful about this program
By Sony Barari
Looking through the UCLA catalog trying to figure out a way to weasel out of my latest
Crow: Paternity suit.
D-minus, I stumbled across a real jewel of
Mike: Crap.
academia. There is actually a graduate program, here on our campus,
Tom Servo: Right there on campus? What's it doing THERE?
called library science.
(Long pause.)
Mike: Now why would that be a surprise?
Crow: 'Cause the author's a moron?
Now, without bothering to actually research the program
Crow: Oh yeah, right, like he's actually gonna LEARN about something and then WRITE about it? That's gonna happen.
(and possibly forsaking the comic potential),
Tom Servo: What comic potential? This whole thing's as funny as a splinter.
I will attempt to relay the import of this discovery to you.
Crow: Uh-oh. Is this another one of those conspiracy theory rants about the Masons?
First of all, does this really need to be a graduate program? As far as I can remember, every librarian with whom I have ever come in contact has been a socially inept housewife who needs a little extra income to help out around the homestead.
Bots: Ooh . . . snap, yo . . .
Other than an uncanny ability to impede potential hoopla and merrymaking,
Crow: And hold fondue parties in the staff lounge,
I don't understand why these overzealous school marms need to attend a professional school, and thus be equated with scientists, doctors and lawyers.
Crow: Oh, come on, librarians aren't *quite* as bad as lawyers.
I don't even think you need a GED to successfully put books on shelves. Hell, a properly trained monkey with a fancy hat could probably do that.
Mike: And yet, sadly, it remains beyond this author's capabilities.
Secondly, what could these people possibly be learning for such a long period of time? I can't imagine the Dewey Decimal System taking more than a day to master.
Tom Servo: (author) I also can't imagine how they got those little people into the TV set.
And what then? How to requisition books and donations from private institutions without annoying people? That's
Mike: Impossible.
another day at most. Come on, what could be the most serious issue facing a librarian?
Tom Servo: Harrassment from patrons?
Mike: Lousy management?
Crow: Dealing with the public day in and day out?
All: Eeuhhh . . . (shudder)
How best to maximize profits from overdue fees? If you overcharge, nobody will go overdue. If you undercharge, you won't make any money. Ooooh! We better start a graduate program to address this!
Tom Servo: There is one. It's called economics.
And why must this be a graduate school? What is there to learn that you couldn't easily pick up "on the streets?"
Mike: Once I picked up a dollar bill from the sidewalk.
Tom Servo: Not quite the same thing. Mike.
It's not like we're training the leaders in cutting edge library methodology.
Crow: Ooh, big word pretty!
Are these people developing theses regarding new and revolutionary decimal systems? I'm pretty sure Dewey has it covered.
Now, I understand
Crow: Absolutely nothing.
that working at the Library of Congress might be kind of a drag, but that's only like 30 people. They could just take one of those mail-in courses, couldn't they? They could pick up gun repair while they're at it. Now that's a skill.
Crow: . . . . that I wish somebody would use on this article.
Library science? Science? There is not a single scientific thing about library science. Putting on a silly puppet show for kids doesn't exactly merit a Nobel Prize. They should call it library communications, or library sociology, or some other crackpot title. Please.
Crow: (as author) Take my life.
Working in a library is about as scientific as phrenology or astrology, and certainly less so than making moonshine in a tub.
Crow: Moonshine . . . schoolmarm . . . gun repair . . . this guy hates libraries AND hillbillies!
And mind you, the program is accredited by the American Library Association.
Mike: And this matters why?
Hallelujah! God forbid we have librarians from DeVry or Brymon peddling their
All: GAH!
knowledge.
All: WHEW!
Mike: Those evil unaccredited hussies.
Now, I thought to myself that maybe I was being overly harsh,
Crow: You said it, I didn't, cracker boy.
Mike: Heyyy . . .
Crow: I meant the author, Mike. Not you.
so I decided to look into the program.
Tom Servo: Wait . . . didn't he just tell us that he DIDN'T bother to research it?
Crow: Don't think about it. You'll just hurt yourself.
Word for word, this is the official description of the master's in library science: "At UCLA, the MLIS program provides students with a blend of conceptual and theoretical knowledge and
Tom Servo: Minty goodness.
practical experience. In the classroom, students acquire a solid foundation in contemporary library and information science theory, information seeking and retrieval skills, and information technology expertise."
Take a moment to read that again.
Crow: Why not? It's the only thing here that makes any sense. (They read it again.)
"Theoretical knowledge?" What is that?
Crow: I'm guessing the author has great difficulty with abstract reasoning and applied skills.
Tom Servo: I'm guessing that you couldn't beat the meaning of the word "abstract" into the author's head with a tire iron.
"Information seeking skills?"
Tom Servo: (author) I mean, why would a librarian need to find things out?
I rest my case.
Mike: This was supposed to be humorous? It hurt like a teenybopper trying to be deep.
Tom Servo: You're right, Mike, that was a big steaming pile of skank!
Crow: Owie . . . owie . . . owie . . . owie . . .
Mike: Come on, everybody . . . let's go get us some Tylenol. (They exit.)
Author: Sony Barari
Web Address: http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/db/articles.asp?ID=18860
Copyright 2002 ASUCLA Student Media
Note: My mom's a librarian, and I worked last summer at my college's library (and yes, there was a fondue party there). I'd say that counts as research.
Stinger: "Putting on a silly puppet show for kids doesn't exactly merit a Nobel Prize."