Fic: House of Leaves
E-mail: violet147@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: There be porn, and it be of the boy on boy variety. Also. Death.
Feedback: Always appreciated.
Pairings: Adam/Jade
Summary: Even as the leaves fall and the seasons begin to die, you still remain.
Notes: Tissues needed, stat. I also recommend listening toNovember Rain by Guns 'N Roses for this.

September

First days at a new school are always hard, but are especially difficult for a kid like Jade. A shy, quiet boy, with too long legs, too many freckles, and too big eyes, Jade wasn’t a boy that other kids gravitated to. He wasn’t a boy that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was a boy that had no one to play with at recess, a boy that people only noticed when they needed an eraser. He was a boy that walked by himself on the playground, a boy that no one asked to join in the kickball game, a boy who counted all the cracks on the concrete, a boy who wished he had friends, a boy no one saw at all. Switching schools so many times only made it worse. It was a struggle for him to even maintain a sense of himself; there was no way he could maintain friendships as well.

His parents had told him this was the final move. He really hoped so. He tugged at the collar of his sweater, a garish mix of colors that his mother insisted he needed to wear to keep warm. He was so skinny that he could never keep warm, and his mother always dressed him in baggy layers, complete with scarves and gloves. He walked around the playground, twisting the fringe of his scarf around his fingers as he heard the laughs and playful shrieks of his classmates. He stopped in front of a pile of leaves, tilting his head and admiring all the different colors, like the palette his mother used when she was painting. He had a leaf collection in his room, from about twenty-three different trees. His family had lived in so many different places, it was easy to collect so many different kinds.

He bent down and started to sift through the pile, examining the colors and the texture of each leaf. It was amazing to him, all the differences in colors, shapes, texture. Some were soft and leafy; others were brittle and crumbled under his touch. They always had a different, unique pattern woven into them, and Jade liked to trace the patterns with his fingers, liked to imagine that he was trying to finish a maze. So far he hadn’t found anything that impressed him; the trees here were all the same. He continued to dig, trying to find one that caught his fancy, until he was startled by the voice of another boy. “What are you doing?”

Jade turned, and the boy in front of him was gangly, much taller than him, and perhaps even skinnier. His ears stuck out a bit, and his dark hair was cropped close to his head. Yet he had startling blue eyes, and the smile on his face made Jade’s breath catch in his throat. Jade was waiting for the boy to start making fun of him, but he simply looked at Jade with curiosity. Jade cleared his throat again, and started to nervously fiddle with his scarf. “I’m…I’m looking at the leaves.”

The boy stepped closer, glancing at the pile, then looking at Jade. “Why?” he asked.

“I collect them,” Jade answered softly.

The boy looked at him for a moment, then bent down, examining the pile himself. “Really?”

Jade nodded, still fiddling with his scarf and avoiding the boy’s eyes. “Yeah. I’ve got leaves from twenty-three different trees.”

“Wow!” The boy looked at Jade, and his smile widened. “That’s really cool. I didn’t even know there WERE twenty-three different kind of trees.”

Jade looked at him and nodded. “Oh yeah. There’s more than that, probably over a hundred,” he said. He glanced up at the boy, waiting for the laughter and the mocking, but it never came. The boy merely stared at the pile, seemingly fascinated by what Jade had told him. Jade scooted a bit closer, reaching down and picking up two leaves. “Look at the patterns. They’re different,” he added.

The boy leaned closer, looking at the leaves then smiling up at Jade. “They are. That’s cool. Is your collection big?”

Jade shrugged. “ It’s okay. I only started it a couple of years ago.”

The boy nodded, then turned back to the pile. They were both quiet for a moment, until the boy leaned forward and picked up a leaf, showing it to Jade. “I like this one. Do you like it?” he asked.

Jade looked down at the leaf, and yes, he liked it. It wasn’t a big leaf, but it was various shades of red and orange, looking like an explosion of color. “I do like it. A lot,” he answered.

The boy held the leaf out to him, his smile widening. “Here. Put it in your collection.”

Jade paused for a moment, tentatively reaching out and taking the leaf. “I will. Thank you.” He looked up at the boy, and found himself comforted by the boy’s bright blue eyes. “I’m…I’m Jade,” he told him.

The boy’s eyes lit up, and he held his hand out, taking Jade’s and shaking it firmly. “I’m Adam,” he replied.

Ever since that day, Jade and Adam were inseparable. Every day at recess, they waited for each other over in the grass, sifting through all the piles of leaves to add to Jade’s collection. When winter came and the leaves died, they stared at the trees in silence, silently pleading for spring to come so that the colors that brought them together in the first place would come back. While they waited, they found out that they both wanted to be musicians, Jade wanting to learn to play the guitar, Adam wanting to learn the drums, and they vowed to start a band when they got older. Adam didn’t have any friends either, except for a black-haired boy named Davey who was teased for being so small and delicate, and the three of them would walk around the playground, talking about comic books, movies, and music, but Jade and Adam didn’t talk to Davey about leaves. Even at a young age, they both realized that the leaves were a thing that exclusively belonged to them, and no one, not even Davey, would understand the bond that brought them together.

Every summer break for the next eight years, the three of them would hang out, their dreams and aspirations becoming more grand and spectacular as they got older. They would camp out in Adam’s backyard, Davey staring up at the sky, sharing that he dreamed of one day being able to hold a star in his hands. Adam shared that he dreamed of the day when he would finally be left alone, free to do as he pleased, instead of being stuck in an endless cycle of placation and following the rules. Jade would listen quietly, and never told them that his dream had already come true; that he had finally found a place where he belonged, and had found people he belonged with.

Davey would always fall asleep first, snoring softly from his sleeping bag, and Jade and Adam would lay next to each other in theirs, staring at the trees, admiring the way the limbs softly blew in the wind, pointing out to each other the way the moonlight made every single leaf different and ethereal. One night, they laid there in silence for three hours, never looking at each other, not needing to, when Jade finally spoke. “I want a house with lots of trees,” he shared softly. “And I’d never rake the leaves. I’d just let them fall where they’re meant to fall. And it‘ll look like my house has been overrun with them. Like they‘re actually holding the foundation up themselves.”

Adam was silent for a few moments, not looking at Jade. He closed his eyes and smiled, putting his arms behind his head. “One day. You’ll have your house of leaves.”


October

The wind blew the curtains back, creating a soft whisper that filled the room and roused Jade from his sleep. He didn’t remember leaving the window open, but that didn’t matter as he opened his eyes and saw the bed was empty. He sat up, looking around, the panic escalating as he realized he was alone. He looked over to the side of the bed, and saw that the clothes that been dropped there earlier in the evening were gone. He threw the covers off of himself and grabbed his jeans and shirt, sliding them on quickly. He grabbed a sweater that was sitting on the deskchair and put it on, then ran down the stairs, taking two at a time.

The lights were off in the house, the shadows dancing across the walls in an eerie manner. He could see the pumpkins across the street, the candles threatening to go out as the wind picked up speed, and the leaves swirled across the street, rustling and cracking against the concrete. Jade took a deep breath and opened the front door, checking the driveway. Sure enough, there were two cars still parked there, and he shut the door. “Where are you?” he murmured to himself, wondering just where in the world Adam had went. Finally, it hit him. Two in the morning on a fall day, with the wind blowing and the leaves falling, painting a classic scene straight out of a movie…there was only one place Adam could be.

As he crossed the living room into the kitchen, heading towards the back door, Jade couldn’t help but wonder how Halloween 2003 had turned out like this. They amazingly had some time off, and while Hunter spent the evening with his family, and Davey went out with some friends and his new girlfriend, Jade and Adam had opted to spend the holiday together, watching classic horror movies and passing out candy to the children in Adam’s neighborhood. Jade had fallen asleep during Hellraiser, and had been woken by Adam placing a blanket over him on the couch, tucking him in. When Jade had opened his eyes, he had smiled up at Adam. “Wanna go outside?” he had asked.

Adam had chuckled down at him. “I thought you were tired,” he had answered.

Jade had shook his head, and they had went outside, sitting on the back porch, watching the leaves sway in the wind. After twenty minutes of sitting in silence, Jade had looked over at Adam to say something, but Adam had been staring at him, his eyes soft and warm. “What?” Jade had asked, blushing slightly.

Adam had reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind Jade’s ear. He had just recently starting growing it out, and it was now starting to slightly fall into his eyes. Adam hadn’t moved his hand away, stroking his thumb along Jade’s jaw line, just staring at him. Jade’s breath had caught in his throat, and finally he had just leaned over, kissing Adam softly on the lips.

Before Jade knew it, Adam had grabbed him and taken him inside, holding his hand and leading him up the stairs. They had undressed each other slowly, savoring every inch as it had been revealed. Adam had run his fingers through Jade’s hair as they explored each other’s mouths, learning the contours of each other’s tongues, as their bodies intertwined in a new, but completely right way. Both of them had been with men before, but being with each other had a certain niche to it, both of them feeling completely comfortable, completely safe, like they had just found the other half that had always been so desperately missing before.

Jade had come first, resting his weight on his elbows as Adam had dug his nails in Jade’s shoulder blades, pulling him closer and closer. Adam had panted against Jade’s neck, losing more and more breath as each sensation became more and more intense. They had locked eyes, and never looked away as Jade slowly thrust, wanting the moment to last as long as it could. Jade had to close his eyes as his pleasure swept through him, and Adam had put his hands on Jade’s face, placing kisses on his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids. He had whispered Jade’s name like it was his only salvation, and finally they had fallen asleep together, Jade collapsing next to Adam, putting a hand over Adam’s heart so he could feel it pounding in his chest.

But Jade had woken up alone, and now all he could do was wonder what was going to happen next. He had loved Adam a lifetime already. He had loved Adam since the moment he gave Jade that leaf and told him to put it in his collection, when they were ten years old. Jade was ready to begin another lifetime with him. Yet he knew that Adam had a problem with commitment; it wasn’t that he wasn’t capable of loving someone forever, it was that his need for his independence overshadowed any possible feelings of love and devotion to any one person. Jade was terrified that this would be fleeting, and Adam would float away, like the leaves on the trees that they had watched obsessively over the years.

Jade opened the back door, and Adam was standing there, leaning against a rail, smoking a cigarette. His face was half cast in shadow, and Jade stopped for a moment, wondering if he should just leave Adam be. But before he could make a decision, Adam turned and looked at him, his face blank. He finally pointed at Jade’s sweater. “You’re swimming in that,” he said.

“You’re bigger than me.” Jade looked at him for a moment, then stepped closer. “Should I…should I leave you alone?”

“No,” Adam replied, shaking his head. He took a drag off his cigarette and looked away, staring at the tree located in the middle of the yard. “I just couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Jade closed the distance between them, stepping up behind Adam and putting a hand on his shoulder. “The window was open, and the wind was howling. It woke me up.”

Adam nodded, and they stood there for a few minutes, staring at the tree, counting the number of leaves that had fallen, listening to the howls of the wind as it created the soundtrack of this moment. Jade finally sighed, and put his arm around Adam’s waist, leaning his chin on Adam’s shoulder. Adam threw the cigarette down to the ground and reached up, putting his hand on top of Jade’s, and still, neither said anything for a moment. Finally, it was Adam who broke the silence. “I don’t know if I can stay,” he said softly, still not looking at Jade.

Jade remained silent, and Adam continued. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I…” he trailed off. He squeezed Jade’s hand, and sighed. “I’ve wanted this for a while now. But I don’t think I’m capable of always being there. Like you need. Like you deserve.”

Jade smiled, and nuzzled his nose against Adam’s neck. “Stay as long as you can,” he told Adam, intertwining his fingers with Adam’s. “Leave if you need to. But no matter what, I’ll always be here.”

Adam closed his eyes, and leaned his head against Jade’s. “I might have to. But I’ll come back. I promise,” he vowed. He looked over at Jade, sorrow clouding his features. “There might be times when you might think I won‘t come back…but don‘t doubt that I love you. I just…”

Jade leaned forward, and kissed him. “I know. We’ll always be forever.”


November

Adam didn’t leave. He stayed with Jade, and they grew stronger as the years passed and the seasons changed. Three years after that fateful Halloween night, Adam had surprised Jade by making another dream of his come true. They had come off tour, and Adam had taken him for a drive, saying that he had something to show Jade. They had driven for an hour, Jade dying of curiosity, but Adam wouldn’t say anything, just smiled and squeezed Jade’s hand as Jade asked endless questions about where they were going. Jade’s curiosity had only grown as Adam pulled into a gravel driveway, far from the bustle of the city they had grown up in, and Jade had gasped as he realized that Adam was taking him to a house.

It was two stories, absolutely gorgeous, with a front porch with wide white columns, beautiful trees littered all over the lot, which was quite enormous, and there were so many leaves Jade could have probably dived right in and gotten lost. He had looked over at Adam, his eyes watering, and Adam had leaned over, kissing him softly. “I told you one day you’d get your house of leaves,” he had murmured against Jade’s lips.

They had moved in quickly, settling in comfortably. When they weren’t touring, they stayed home, curling up by the fireplace and watching classic movies, sitting on the front porch when the weather permitted on the swing, a blanket tossed over their laps and holding each other as they watched the sun set over the trees. They wrestled each other in the piles of leaves that would accumulate, and chased each other playfully down the driveway in an attempt to see who could get the mail first, the race only ending with them chasing each other back into the house and falling into bed for hours, until neither could see straight and neither could move.

Then one day, the inevitable happened; Jade woke up one morning to find Adam gone. He had left a note, telling Jade he was going to see his parents, and spend a few days after that alone. Jade had known it would happen eventually, but it was still torture to sit in the house, alone, wondering where Adam was, wondering what Adam thought about in these moments of self-induced isolation. He wondered if Adam could breathe easier without him there, wondered if Adam felt like he was free, wondered if Adam would be coming back at all.

He had told Adam that Halloween night that he knew Adam would come back. He thought he had believed that. But when the days passed, and Adam did not return, he realized that he had no idea what he had been getting himself into, had no idea that it would make him doubt himself and Adam’s love for him. When Adam finally returned, Jade greeted him in the doorway, his cheeks stained with tears, his eyes bloodshot red, and although he should have felt relief, he could only show his despair. “Did you have fun?” he asked bitterly. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

“Don’t,” Adam replied, sitting his bag down and walking into the kitchen.

“I missed you,” Jade said, following him. “And you didn’t even call.”

“I told you where I was going,” Adam replied, walking over to the fridge and getting a water.

“You didn’t call!”

Adam whirled around and looked at him. “I TOLD you where I was,” he snapped. “You know this is how I am, Jade. I can’t change it.”

Jade shook his head, staring angrily at him. “You don’t WANT to change it,” he insisted. “You expect me to let you go off, going God knows where, doing God knows what-”

“Don’t you DARE question my fidelity!” Adam yelled. He stepped closer to Jade, each step slow and deliberate. “I don’t go off by myself because I need to get away from you. I go off by myself because I need to get away from EVERYTHING. I have to…I have to be alone sometimes. You knew that. I TOLD you. I told you that I would go away, but I also told you that I would come back.”

Jade tried to blink back tears, and looked up at Adam. “Every day you were gone,” he said softly. “It felt like an eternity. I can’t…I can’t be like you. I need you with me. I always have.”

Adam looked at him for a moment, then reached out, putting a hand on Jade’s face to wipe a tear away. “I know. I wish…I wish I could stay, like you do. I can’t. But I’ll always come back,” he replied. He put his arms around Jade’s waist, pulling him into a hug. “Please don’t doubt me. I can’t bear it if you doubted-”

Adam pulled away slightly, a wince crossing his features. Jade looked up at him warily. “Adam? Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine. Just a quick little pain,” Adam answered, nodding his head. He looked down at Jade. “I never came back for anyone. But I will for you. ALWAYS, for you,” he promised.

Jade was quiet a moment, then reached out and hugged him. “I know. I know. I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of holding Adam, enjoying the smell of his shirt. He finally looked up, and stroked Adam’s cheek. “Let’s go to bed. Let’s just go to bed, and hold me. Please.”

They slept in each other’s arms that night, and Jade woke up the next morning, once again alone in bed. This time he didn’t even bother with putting clothes on, instead just opting for a robe, and he ran down the stairs, flinging the front door open, looking around in panic. He finally breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Adam, dressed for the day, walking down the driveway to get the mail. He smiled and leaned against the doorway, just watching him, happy that everything was back to normal. His grin widened as Adam glanced behind him, and saw Jade standing in the doorway. His face lit up, and he waved, Jade’s heart swelling in the same way it had when he and Adam had first met. He blew a kiss at Adam, waving a little. Adam blew a kiss back, but suddenly stopped, looking like he was surprised. Jade could see the wince on his face, and Jade’s heart dropped as Adam put a hand on his chest, as if he were trying to steady himself. “Adam?” he murmured to himself.

Then suddenly, Adam stumbled, and fell face first into a pile of leaves. Jade was out the doorway in an instant, running as fast he could, his heart dropping the further he made it down the driveway. “Adam? ADAM!” he screamed, dropping to his knees as he reached Adam and tried to pull him up, shaking him a little. “Adam Adam Adam ADAM!” he screamed, shaking him like a rag doll. The leaves beneath Adam crackled under the weight of the both of them, and Jade looked up at the trees, the branches empty as winter had started to approach, and it hit him with a finality that made him shake, that this time, Adam wouldn’t be coming back.


December

Jade made his way through the backyard, the snow crunching beneath his feet and the cold nipped at him, his nose red, and his fingers already frozen. He tightened his grip on the box in his hands, the snow falling into his eyes, as he made the long and barren walk, as he had every day for the past five years, ever since that November where the most precious thing, the person he held most dear to his heart, the person that had made all of his dreams came true, had been taken away from him.

It was hard for Jade to believe that it had been five years. It still seemed like yesterday when he stood in the driveway, shaking, screaming as paramedics had arrived and tried to revive Adam, to no avail. It still seemed like yesterday that he was standing there, above Adam’s grave, as Davey and Hunter sobbed quietly next to him, as Jade realized that Adam wasn’t coming back. It was still hard to believe. Adam had promised he would always come back, but now it had been five years, and Jade had been left alone, with nothing but his memories and his house of leaves.

He brushed his hair out of his eyes as he continued, ignoring the ache he felt in every joint of his body. He had made this walk every day for five years, but it still did not get easier with each time. He spent his days here, sitting at Adam’s grave, sometimes with his guitar, playing Adam’s favorite songs, sometimes just staring at the headstone, re-reading the words over and over again. Adam Carson. Eternally Beloved. Jade had insisted that Adam be buried in the backyard, although he knew that Adam would have preferred to be cremated, his ashes released into the sky, floating around in the wind the way he had wanted to in life. But Jade could not bear to be without him in life, and it was the same with death. Adam would be with him, always.

He knelt down at Adam’s grave, the tears ripping through him, the sobs that had accumulated every day for the past five years released once again. He let himself cry for a few minutes, then forced himself to calm down. “I miss you,” he whispered, choking back a sob. “I tell you that every day, but it’s still true today. I miss you so much.”

He opened the box and took out a leaf, holding it up, looking at it. “You picked this one out for me. I can’t believe it’s still intact,” he said. He closed his eyes as another sob rocked through his body. “Who knew that a leaf could hold so much weight? Who knew…” he trailed off. He couldn’t continue to speak; he ducked his head and cried. “I can’t do anything. It’s been five years, but I still can’t do anything.” He looked up at the headstone, his eyes swimming in tears, his vision blurred. “You said you would come back. You promised you would come back. You promised…”

The grief finally overcome him, and Jade laid down in the snow, curling into a ball and sobbing. Every night, he prayed that he would wake up and he would look out the window to find Adam going through a pile of leaves, searching for the new addition to Jade’s collection, but every morning, he woke to an empty bed and an empty heart. He wanted so desperately to end it all, to finally be free of the agony and the grief and the sorrow, but a part of him knew that Adam wouldn’t want that. A part of him knew that Adam would want him to go on, but there was no way he could. Davey and Hunter had given up trying to convince Jade to keep going, and now merely waited, for the phone call that they eventually knew was coming, that Jade had finally become free.

Jade clutched the box, close to him, the only thing he had left of Adam, his sobs subsiding. “Come back,” he whispered to the ground. “Come back to me. Please. I need you. You promised…”

From behind him he heard the sound of footsteps, and he made himself sit up, wiping at his face. “No, Davey. I didn’t forget about lunch today,” he answered, knowing that Davey would be upset that Jade was out here again. He took a deep breath to calm himself, but Davey said nothing. He tilted his head. “Davey?”

He turned around and looked up, and for the first time in five years, he finally smiled. “You came back,” he whispered.

Adam smiled. “I promised I would. Always.”

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