Fic: Your Sins Into Me
E-mail: the_smooth_one910@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13. Maybe slightly R? I don't know.
Warnings: It's got boy on boy. With two brothers. Yeah, it's incest. Don't like it? Clickity click back, yo.
Feedback: Always appreciated.
Pairings: Benji/Joel
Summary: Joel carries the weight of his world on his shoulders.


Your sins into me
Oh my beautiful one
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes
I'll tremble a prayer
And beg for forgiveness
Your sins into me


-Silver and Cold, AFI


He bears the reminder around his neck, as if that’s going to stop it or make it better. Sometimes he’s too sore to move, and walks slowly, like he’s become Atlas and carries the world’s weight on his shoulders. There’s some truth to that; while it’s not the world’s, it’s his world’s weight he shoulders. It’s Benji’s weight he carries.

When Benji’s not looking, he prays for everything, acceptance, release, salvation, forgiveness. Benji says, “Fuck God, he can’t say shit.” but Joel doesn’t agree, God’s the only thing that can save him, he thinks. It certainly can’t be Benji, whose voice he shouldn’t listen to, whose lead he shouldn’t follow. Save us, Joel whispers to the dark, trembling in his bed. Save us from ourselves.

He carries the weight, he is the conscience, so Benji doesn’t have to be. He gives Benji everything, acceptance, release, forgiveness, because he knows Benji can’t believe, knows Benji will sink if he doesn’t. His only request, the only thing he asks of Benji is to turn away when he prays, asks Benji to let his reminder lay against his heart, to let it seep into his skin and remind him of the sins he has to save them from.

He saved Benji once, from death by drink, but a part of him knows he can’t save Benji from this…sickness in his heart. Joel’s the eternal optimist; he ignores it and tries anyway. He will be the God Benji recognizes, he will be the release Benji has to have. He will do anything for Benji. He will save Benji from himself and the temptation he succumbs to, even if it breaks Joel’s heart to do so.

He’s sinking, too. At first this was all for Benji, for it was better for Benji to ask it of Joel than someone else, but now it is becoming his sickness, too. He has never loved anyone like he loves Benji, and that’s why he prays, that’s why he’ll never put his reminder on the nightstand. He has to fight this, and it’s not fair to ask Benji to do it. He is their strength, he is their only way to salvation, but he’s starting to realize he’s failing. He’s letting it happen.

Again Benji crawls into bed with him, and again he opens his arms, lets Benji take what he needs. Benji kisses like he’s desperate, moans against Joel’s mouth like he has to. Joel gives in again, tells himself to not like it, cries when he thinks of how much he cherishes these moments. He cries so Benji doesn’t have to, and says to Benji, “Harder” so Benji doesn’t have to feel the shame and guilt of what they do. He is the conscience. He will bear the weight of Benji’s sins, sins that are rapidly becoming his own.

He will not let Benji look at the reminder, or let him touch it. “Mine, mine,” he whispers as he pushes it off his chest and holds on to Benji’s hips, as he bites Benji’s earlobe and moans back. He believes that with all of his heart, he’ll never ask Benji to think about it and feel it the way it should be felt. That’ll be his job.

They both come at the same time, always in tune with each other, and Benji lays on top of him, panting in his ear. He shouldn’t say it, but the words are on his tongue. It only encourages it, but he can’t help it, he calls Benji his beautiful one. But it is worth the guilt and the weakness, he sometimes thinks, to see how it makes Benji’s face glow, to see him smile, to see him know that he is loved and adored, and tonight is no exception. He feels Benji’s heart beat against his, rapidly beating like it’s going to explode, and it just reminds him of their plight and their sins, but it is better that he doesn’t say anything. He will be the stone wall. He will be the silence. He will not allow Benji to bear the weight of the words; he will not allow himself to destroy the only thing Benji has now.

He falls asleep for Benji, lets Benji lay his ear against Joel’s chest, leans his cheek against the top of Benji’s head. He wonders if he listens hard enough, will he be able to heart the voices in Benji’s head? Could he hear the logic and the reason and let it seep into him? He doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to know. He will be Benji’s sanity, not the cause of the chaos. He looks down at Benji’s closed eyes, and fuck, he is such a liar. Lying to himself and Benji.

Forgive me, he cries to a God he’s not sure is listening. Forgive me for today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, for he can’t stop, he is weakening, he is becoming as sick as Benji. Benji snores lightly, his hair mused and slick with sweat, and Joel hopes Benji doesn’t wake when Joel has to choke back a sob. He won’t wake Benji for this. He is Benji’s blanket. He will keep Benji warm and safe.

But who’s going to save Joel? I can’t stop, he thinks, give me the strength, he pleads to himself. I love him so much, give me the strength for both of us, help me, help us, save me so I can save him, don’t condemn him, don’t condemn us. He wipes away the tears from his eyes so they won’t touch Benji. He will keep Benji clean. Joel will keep him pure and untouched and take away every darkness and dirty deed so Benji will be able to sleep at night.

It hangs heavily on his neck like a noose, but it must be worn, to remind him of everything he must carry, everything he must do, for Benji and for himself. Benji feels heavy in his arms, and he will not smile at the sight of his brother, at peace and in love. He will not feel anything when Benji cuddles closer into him. No, he knows what he has to do.

He reaches behind his neck and takes hold of his reminder, and tells himself this is what he has to do, but his voice is absolutely silent. I will save Benji, he tries to tell himself. I will save us. We’ll be okay.

Their sins will be erased, he’s sure of it. They will be understood, they’ll be released from the shame and the guilt and the wickedness of their hearts and their minds, they will be given the blessing to continue and they will be clean, they will be pure, but until then, Joel will take the blame. Joel will carry their sins until that day comes, he will forever wear the reminder on his skin until that day comes. He looks down at Benji and smiles a bit, hugs him closer when Benji smiles sleepily. “Mmm…love you…” he murmurs.

Joel holds on to his cross tighter.


So twincest is best, huh?
This ain't floating my boat!
Home, Jones!


©Violet Sunburn is a product of ©HER MAJESTY PRODUCTIONS, 2000-03