Fic: Dear Johnny
E-mail: violet147@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: Threesome. Sort of. Whee.
Feedback: Always appreciated.
Pairings: Bobby/Marie/John
Summary: It's a letter he's never going to see.


Johnny dear
Don't be afraid
I will keep
Your secrets safe

-Dear Johnny, Poe


Dear Johnny,

This is probably a silly thing to do, since you’re never going to read this. But since you’re never going to see it, I’m going to call you Johnny. I know you hate it, but that’s how I want to remember you. I don’t want to remember Pyro, I want to close my eyes and always see Johnny.

Listen to me, writing about you like you’re dead! You might as well be, at least to everyone here. “Forget him. He’s a lost cause,” Scott says, but only when the younger kids aren’t in the room. Storm’s not as nice; she says she always knew you’d turn on us. “Good riddance,” she says, but you aren’t surprised, are you? You probably knew they’d react this way, but I didn’t. I didn’t think you weren’t going to be missed, or that everyone would be relieved that you left. That’s the way the adults act, anyway. The rest of us just miss you.

But that doesn’t matter, does it? You were always a step ahead of us anyway. The first to volunteer to try your powers, the first to get out of your seat and give your speech in class, the first to stand up and act against those who hate us. I should have known you’d be the first to leave, the first to make the ultimate choice. I should have known you’d end up leaping ahead of all of us.

But then again, you did warn us, didn’t you? At least me, anyway. “One of these days…” you used to say, with that wicked gleam in your eye. No kid our age should be able to produce such a gleam. But you’ve never been a kid, have you? Always ahead of everyone, Johnny, you were always further ahead, always a million miles away.

But sometimes you’d stop and let us catch up a bit, and I guess that’s why this hurts so much. If you’d always stayed ahead and never looked back, we could at least by comforted by the fact that there was nothing we could have done, that you were just too far away for us to reach. But sometimes you stopped, sometimes you waited patiently for us. You let us in sometimes. And it hurts thinking about it, because when we were next to you, we could have done something. But we didn’t.

Why did you do that, Johnny? I have no doubt you knew one day you’d make the choice, so why did you let us in when you knew one day you’d walk away? Was it entertaining to watch? Did you enjoy seeing us keep coming back, was it funny watching us care more and more? Are you really that cruel, Johnny? I never wanted to believe that, even when everyone else did, but maybe everyone was right. Maybe you are cruel.

But it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? I know I shouldn’t think about it, I know I should just let it go like you let us go. But I can’t let you go, Johnny. You’re forever imprisoned in my mind. Sometimes, when we sit in the TV room and the fire is crackling in the fireplace, I feel a stir deep inside, and there’s a tingle in my fingertips, and I have to stop myself from holding out my hand and bringing the fire to me. You’re still here, Johnny, you’re still inside me. And that’s not something I can let go of.

I know you can just walk away from us, Johnny. I know because you did. But I can’t walk away. I’m not like you; I’ve always been a step behind, I’ve always been the one sitting out. Because while everyone else was scrambling to catch up with you, I never made the attempt to try. I came in too late on the race, I thought there was no way, you’d always be miles ahead.

But then Bobby grabbed my hand and pulled me ahead of everyone else, to share his spot, because he was always closer than anyone else, to share you. He thought it was possible, and for a while it was, wasn’t it? He had it all worked out, he had a structured plan that would enable he and I to keep up with you. That’s Bobby for you, the consummate planner, the one with all the plans he had to have other people execute. It’s really too bad that none of his plans were ever enough to keep you here.

I probably shouldn’t have written that. It’s not Bobby’s fault that you left. Nor is it the Professor’s fault, or Magneto’s fault, or humanity’s fault, or even yours. That’s why I can’t forget, Johnny. Because I know it wasn’t your fault you made the choice you did.

It turns out that I was wrong all along, right, Johnny? I always thought I could never catch up to you, but I was wrong. I was the only one who did catch up, in the end. You never told me, of course. Not you, Johnny, you don’t say anything that could possibly reveal that you’re not as ahead as everyone thinks you are. No, I know it because you’re here, in my head, in my dreams, in my heart, all inside me. I know because every time I close my eyes, your voice rings in my ears, telling me all the secrets you never revealed while you were here.

And I know I wasn’t the one who was supposed to catch up, I know you desperately hoped it would be Bobby. It’s okay, Johnny, you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. But you never did pretend, did you? No, you were never like us. Never like Bobby, who said you were his best friend but walked out of your bed every time I walked in the room. Never like me, who said that I was doing this for Bobby but would have put my hands on you, for you, if you had ever asked for it. But you always knew, didn’t you, Johnny? You were never like us. You always had your eyes open, always watching us even though you had your backs to us.

I’m really glad that you’re never going to read this, because I’m sounding like a complete idiot. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say, and it doesn’t make sense, does it? None of it does, not anymore. Except for you, Johnny. You’re the only one who’s ever made sense. No one knows, of course; they can’t understand how choosing the side you chose can qualify as making sense. But it does. We both know that.

I’m going to finish this up now. God knows you don’t want to read anymore of my ramblings. But it’s not like you’re ever going to read this, so I guess I’m safe, huh? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you. And that I’ll never tell. You don’t have to worry, Johnny. I’ll keep all your secrets hidden, inside of me...inside of us.

Love Always,
Marie


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