NOTE TO ALL: This is my last journal entry here. I will be moving on to something else. I am cutting ties with just about everyone right now, so if your reading this, your probably out of my life.
Last night, shit it the fan and its still flying. It came to my attention that Kendra had been talking with Joe again. Now naturally this pissed me off. 1, because it's Joe, the only person Kendra thinks of as lower then her own mother, and 2. because she had to hide it from me, and I had to learn the info from Megan. Now, Joe thinks that I made myself mad from all this, which is shit. What made me mad is that Kendra had PROMISED me, as part of my agreement to be her friend again, to never talk to Joe again, period, and then she's the one who IM's him. So Joe, stick it up your ass, she broke another promise to me, adding to the already mile long string of broken promises from her about you, and THAT is the reason I'm pissed, and I have every right to be. I thought it was all over with, Kendra has blocked Joe, took his name off her buddy list (which should have been done long ago, for both Kendra and Joe), but of course, its never finished with it comes to him. Kendra gets a post in her comments on her journal. It's from Joe. Saying it's my fault that I'm angry, but I have addressed that issue already, so I'll move on. Also with this post is an e-mail to Kendra, from Joseph. The opening statement is:
"If you have indeed blocked me then I guess this short lived communication is over. And from my understanding you blocked me because of Josh.
Well then... I guess, once again, this is goodbye.
I was defending you all the while Megan bitched me out about talking to you again...
But it just seems that you are only a pawn in Joshs' little game."
Okay, that much is fine, what is not, is Megan's little conversation with Joe. It's long, so I'll give a link to the convo on another page. Click Here
Now to address what was said, and give my final comments.
Joe's 4th message: Yes, Kendra can talk to whom ever she wants, but its not fair to the other people in her life it she made a promise about it, and if she does it KNOWING it will hurt the other people as well.
Megan's 11th message: I did not tell Megan to choose, I told her that if Joe interferes with my friendship with Megan, then I would make her choose, and she could laugh all she wants, but then her choice would be made. And since I would make her choose, then I guess I'm not worth having around, so Megan, have fun with Joe, and Justine!
Joe's 12th and Megan's 21st messages: It is perfectly normal and it is best for people to take some time apart after a failed relationship. We've all been in them, and having the other person close just makes matters worse. Its best for both sides to spend time apart, to move on, and grow the fuck up. And as is apparent for me, and Megan, Kendra and Joe are not right for each other in any way, so you both need to stay the fuck away from each other forever.
Joe's 14th and 15th, Megan's 30th thru 36th: I don't play games, I hate those that do, I do not have pawns, I have my life to live, and will do so as I see fit it's my life to live, and if you don't like the way I live it, fuck off! If anyone is playing games, it's Megan. Acting like my friend, and then turning around on the same night to say the shit she has. She's got everyone believing she's on their side, she's playing all of us. And after 6 years of being my "little bitch" in which I thought she was my little friend, I finally see whats going on. She's so nice to everyone, as long as its to their face, but don't turn your back on her, she becomes a fucking High School cheerleader and starts drama you don't want to be involved with.
So that's my take on the whole thing. I don't want people like those above involved in my life, because I'd rather not be put in the position where I will get hurt. That's why I wouldn't hesitate to give Megan and ultimatum about Joe, and why I didn't hesitate to make Kendra choose, because I have every right to not get hurt, and it seems like every time Joe sticks his nose in my business, I end up getting hurt, and that IS NOT my fault Joseph. What is my fault is not talking to the people who bring pain to my life, I'll take all the blame for that. This time I'm getting ahead of the pain, and stopping those who will undoubtedly bring me down again. Oh, and if you don't like what I have to say, please remember it's my journal, and if you don't like it, THEN DONT FUCKING READ IT, and please feel free to keep your comments to yourself!
So this is good-bye to some of you, thanks for reading. To the rest, when I make another journal somewhere else, I'll let you know.
Once again, Good-bye.
3-17-04
So many issues to address tonight. 1. School/Life 2. Megan 3. Justine 4. Changes to my journal. Not so many when I write it out like that, but still plenty of filler for each.
1. First on my mind is of course school. I registered for classes next quarter today, and I was pretty much treated like I couldn't do anything in automotive that I want, because I'm not the smartest, or fastest worker in the shop. This all started earlier in the day when Dennis (my instructor for those who don't know) informed me that I could NEVER get a job fixing cars, and make a living from it because I would be fired too quickly. Real self-esteem booster as you can tell. Then as I was signing up, he tried to tell me that Engine Rebuilding was too long for ME to take (engine rebuilding only being 9 credit hours (I took 12 in automotive this quarter alone)). I finally talked him into it, but not before he got his revenge by putting my in College Trig. for my "required" math class (the actual requirement is intro to business math, which teaches you second and third grade math again). Now, why is it, that the person with the highest ACT math score in Automotive cannot choose which math class he can take? I think its fucked up, and if Intro to business math is good enough for all my friends, then its damn well good enough for me. I know, I know, "quit your bitching," well it is my education, so I should be able to chose my path, I mean hell I (my parents) pay for it, so I should have some say, but not with Dennis as my advisor! So now, with that said, I once again need to decide what else to do, because if I'm going to be treated like I don't belong there, especially by my own instructor, then I'm not going to go there anymore. I'm thinking computers, because I know computers, and understand them better, and it pays a hell of a lot better in the end. That, or join work force as another American without a good college education (in case you didn't know, the majority of the population has no post-secondary education).
2. Secondly, Megan (Smith this time, you get a break from Roeller). I'm sure comments left here will start another round or arguments, but if she can talk shit in her journal about me, then I can do the same to her! She seems to think that I am on a total Kendra trip. Which I am not. Kendra is my friend, and she is here, she's close, I am comfortable with her, and she's actually willing to be seen with me in public, and that's why I hang out with her so often. But to Megan, I don't give a shit anymore, I have stopped caring about everyone but Kendra, and I am a bad friend. I am just not on the Internet as much anymore. It's something I have always wanted, to have a life away from a machine, where my only communication isn't with words on a screen. Her and I had this fight a few weeks ago, and since then I have been on the computer much more, but it's still never good enough, it's almost like I have to be around whenever she is so she can be content and happy. She seems to think that Kendra and I are joined at the pelvis. When really that's that farthest from the truth that she can get. When we do get to see each other (never more then 3 or 4 days a week), we rarely get to do anything sexual (maybe once a week). I can understand that she is a bit upset that I'm never online like I used to be (8 hours a day), but fuck, I finally have a life, let me live it, and you know how to get a hold of me if you need me. It's not like I have fallen off the face of the planet, and you will never talk to me again. I'm and e-mail, or phone call away. She doesn't realize that I am the same Josh, I listen, and care like I always have, I'm just not around when it's so fucking convenient anymore. Meg has a hard time seeing past Kendra and how she has "changed me" (which is like none, I've asked around). I don't know. Megan will be here on Saturday, or Sunday, I forget which one. And at this rate, I highly doubt I will see her once while she is in the same state. I hope everything gets worked out soon.
3. Justine, the one who is "totally over me" (Megan's words), decided that she "needed" to talk to me tonight. Sill didn't get how she "needed" it, but whatever, I let her talk, not that it did any good. Just when I think everything is finally over and done with, it bites my ass. What am I gonna do?
4. After almost 3 years using Homestead, Tripod, and now Geocities to keep a journal, I might be starting a new one, somewhere else. Where I do that is my choice, and my secret. I would like to keep this one going, but I receive way too much shit for what I post here, and I am tired of dealing with it, so I feel it's time for me to move on to bigger and better things. I would love to keep this one going, since all of my shit is in once place, but people use my guest book to bash me, my journal, or my friends, and I won't take that anymore (it wouldn't be so bad if some of you pussies would leave a name and stop being cowards). I know people don't grow up, or change, and so I don't expect anything more then people talking shit, and that is why I will probably move on. Keep your eyes here for now, because I don't know when I will make the move.
That is all for now children. I hope you all enjoy your St. Patrick's Day! Drink lots of nonalcoholic drinks!
3-8-04
Okay, its really still the seventh, but its close enough to the eighth that I put it in the date line. This is urgent enough for me to write about now. So yeah, Megan Dawn Smith, my "best friend" has a lot of shit to talk about me, and my life it seems. She has the new journal (which she didn't tell me about till an argument brought it up tonight), and in said journal, she has a post about the whole situation with Justine and I. She writes all this, even though she "isn't involved" in it what so ever. Her comments were hurtful, disrespectful, and uncalled for. Instead of saying what she needed to, to my face, she made a public comment about it without my knowledge, for EVERYONE I HATE to respond to. I don't know that I can say anything to her anymore, she goes behind my back and does this kinda shit all the time now. From starting a new journal, to telling Justine things about my life which she has no business knowing. I just don't know what to do anymore, I thought she was someone I could trust, right now, that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm going to go call Kendra, and let her know whats going on. Goodnight most. Oh and Jen, thanks for listening!
3-7-04
5 days of school left this quarter. It's been long, and hard, and I HATE school! But, to take my mind off of it, and to get a way for a while, Kendra and I went road tripin' to Nederland Colorado, to see Brittany, Kendra's friend. She's very cool, but she is a hippie. Kendra and I will have to go up there again sometime, when its warm and sunny, not snowing and blowing. Um, lets see. I'm thinking about redoing my actual cars section, BUT since no one looks at it anyway, I might just delete it. Okay, I think I've said everything that I need to say, so, check back later for another update.