At one end of the arena, we have Avril Lavigne and her usual mob of high-school dropouts and undereducated brats from hell. Avril, who is clad in her usual form of skater-bitch-meets-high-school-cheerleader-wearing-too-much-makeup attire, is standing, hands on hips, perfectly plucked eyebrows raised, looking across the stadium at her oncoming competitors. The entire crowd looks on in silence as the members of the tediously tacky and manufactured pop-band "Busted" make their way slowly to the opposite end of the arena, where they turn and face Avril, who is looking more and more like a boiled chicken with each passing second. Some people have argued that the match is not fair, what with Busted being a band consisting of three members, and Avril being a solo-"artist". However, the management has agreed to let the high-school dropouts and undereducated brats from hell attend the match and shout encouragement from the sidelines. This is only because he is convinced that Avril is capable of fighting three "bois" on her own, because of the image she portrays in interviews. We all just let him believe that. Now, back to Busted. The youngest member, who also happens to be the tallest, is definitely the most menacing. This is because of the terrifying eyebrows that he possesses. These look as though, in the earlier years of his life, he uprooted two garden hedges and glued them to his forehead in a vain attempt to impress the twittering idiots who watch "Top of the pops". We shall call him "Eyebrows". Standing on either side of him are Matt, the oldest (and most arrogant, in my opinion), and James, who is nineteen, but looks about twelve. We shall call them "Badger" and "Elmo". So, the crowd shuts up once again as the first round commences.
Round 1: Punk Rock
As we all know, it was her attitude that made Avril famous. Before she became known throughout the world, she was an arrogant seventeen year-old who liked to tell anyone who would listen that she was a "Skater Punk". Now, however, her swollen confidence has deflated considerably. In an interview with "Ellegirl", she said that yes, she was still a pop artist, and that all the punks hated her, which is, as far as I`m concerned, very true. It took her long enough to realize this. Busted are, pretty much, the male version of Avril Lavigne, although they do admit that their music is pop, which it is. According to Badger, Busted`s music is "pop with a punk influence". To some people (fans of Busted) this is exactly what they wanted to hear. For those of us who do not have cocaine for brains, we know that Badger is the only one who says these things. So, as Elmo delivers a nuclear missile to Avril`s backside, The bell goes, signaling the end of round one.
Scoreboard: Busted - 1 Avril - 0
Round 2: Songwriters, Musicians and Guitars
As the contestants make their way back to the centre of the arena, we can see that boiled chicken Avril is seriously lacking in the derriere criteria. Must have been the nuclear missile. Anyhow… "I write my own songs and play guitar" is probably one of the most commonly known of Avril`s quotes. It is commonplace nowadays. This quote brings a lot of unneeded controversy to the music world. You see, Avril speaks a different kind of English to the kind that we are used to. Maybe all Canadians speak like this. I wouldn`t know. I am going to have to do a little translating. Don`t worry, I have a Bullshit-English English-Bullshit dictionary in hand.
"I write my own songs" actually means "I help write my own songs"
"I play guitar" actually means "I can play three chords on the guitar"
People who speak like Avril often have only one properly functioning half of the brain. This is what causes them to miss so many vital words out of sentences. So it may not be entirely her fault. But what counts is the matter-in-hand, not language difficulties. So either way, all of Avril`s songs have been co-written. Therefore, she does not deserve all the credit, thus meaning that she is a liar. Eyebrows gets his moment of glory with a sudden spur of gap-toothed fury, as Avril is knocked senseless to the ground. The high-school dropouts and undereducated brats from hell rush onto the arena and desperately attempt to revive her. This somehow works. The round continues.
Ms. Boiled chicken plays guitar. Yep, we`ve all heard that one before. However, most people will tell you that, when performing live, she does not play the guitar that she claims to be able to play. In fact, Avril doesn`t play the guitar at all, it seems. At the Grammys, MTV Asia awards, and the new year`s eve thing in New York, WHERE WAS THE GUITAR???? I really would like to know.
People always say that Busted are not a proper band because they all play guitars, no drums. In the world of pop, they are a proper boy-band. To their fans, they are HARDCORE ROCKERS. To us, they are the whining children of Satan. But the point is that Badger and Eyebrows both play guitar, bass, and drums. I`m not sure about Elmo, though. When they perform live, they remain true to their words and play guitars.
Stopstopstopstopstop. What is that you say? Am I prejudiced against both sides? Of course I am. Why am I prejudiced against these wonderful, talented musicians? Because I just am. So you hate them both? YES.
Talk about stating the obvious.
AHEM. [Note to self: Will stop listening to foolish comments made by spectators. They are inferior beings. They are below inferior. Their opinions matter not. Will not answer anymore ridiculous questions posed by foolish spectators] Avril nurses her broken nose. Good. May she never pick her nose again. Thus round two is ended.
Let me update you on the scores.
Scoreboard: Busted - 2 Avril - 0