Dream Weaver's Circle
Issue: Marriage and Relationships
by Wanda Goss
Ms. or Mr. Right.
First, I would like to start off by saying how important it is that you are happy with yourself before you enter a relationship. Often we try to find the missing pieces in our lives by looking for that special someone that seems to have what we are missing. And of course, we are so disappointed when the relationship doesn't work out. We blame ourself, or we blame them, or we blame the stars. It takes soul searching and a lot of honesty.
(Check out my site some information on your inner self--soul searching)
Is there past issues that keep you from trusting someone? Do you have a problem with commitment? Is there someone you have not been able to get over? Were they unfaithful? Were you unfaithful? You will need to deal with these issues in order to make the next relationship really work. Was there something in your childhood, perhaps Mom and Dad were divorced or maybe they stayed together but fought constantly? Bitterness resulted, with a frigid air that turned you off at the thought of true love and romance in any relationship. Divorce may change the words, "happily ever after," but it doesn't have to be that way for you. Seek counseling, to sort out all the pain so you can move on with your life. If this is not possible, you can start by realizing that these issues form a pattern that you may be repeating in your past relationships. You must COMMUNICATE with your special someone, and let them know how you feel about love, life, and them,in order to avoid falling out of love and distancing yourself from them, from the pain. Distancing may be easier but, believe me, it will come back to haunt you, unless you start now by walking through the troubled waters while they are shallow, lest you drown when the overwhelming issues flood you all at once. You may find your special someone has walked out or you may find yourself "looking for love in all the wrong places."
I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to talk to the person you are with. I mean really talk, about personal issues, past, and present. They can not read your mind. Although, you may think they can if they know you well enough they can predict pretty much what you will do or say in any given situation! Both men and women need to hear how they are doing in the relationship. Do you love me? What do you want from our relationship? Should we have children? Answers to your questions, as well as some disagreements is what keeps the passion or the flames burning in a relationship. Forgive, yes you must be able to forgive someone for falling from grace. Starting over is an important part of building a strong relationship and is actually necessary for allowing for growth! People can change through life's experiences and this can add new levels to a relationship. Don't be afraid of change. It may be just what the doctor ordered.
Intensity can fade as time goes by, only if you let it. Communication can re-ignite those long lost flames and it is fun to get to know each other all over again. If the significant other has views separate from yours, and they will as everyone is different, you will need to soul search and decide if this opposition is enough to end the relationship or look at it in a different way. Love is adding to the relationship, not depending so much on someone that you literally zap the life from their inner spirit. Allow them to be who they want to be and you must be able to follow your dreams, also. Two people sharing their life and learning from each other.
Compromising is also part of a long and enduring relationship. In the song by the Rolling Stones you hear,"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might get what you need." Well, it would be a perfect world if we all got everything we wanted, when we wanted it! But it isn't, sometimes you have to really look at the bigger picture. Is the sacrifice--although now days I think that's a bad word--worth our time and effort? In such a fast paced world, and I mean fast paced, it is so important to look at the bigger picture. If your significant other is willing to talk, willing to compromise, this is a good start.
Now of course if you are in a physically abusive relationship,GET HELP IMMEDIATELY! There isn't any compromise here. If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, to the point where you are constantly put down, rejected, and left isolated to the point where you are crying about everything, GET HELP ALSO. Why? Because this leads to depression, your soul is screaming out for enlightenment, nuturing, and healing. This will not come if the other person refuses to communicate with you and you are left feedng the flames by yourself. Seek help from others. This person must be willing and able to work on the relationship. Love comes from two people working together, "fanning the flames," so to speak, in order to rebuild any past problems. This is also important if you or your loved one has an addiction---get help---find out why you need to drink, binge eating, turn to drugs, or remain unfaithful.
If you have communication, compromise, and a good sense of humor, you will have a good start for building the foundation, with layers of love, compassion, and honesty. Humor is also necessary for healing and soothing the weary soul, especially in those "mid-to-later" years in life. Play, yes I said play, you must always, stop and see the world through young eyes. It is necessary to bringing life and passion to your relationship. Allow time for yourself to act like a child! Do something you love doing! Sing! Dance! Walk or Run! Workout! Sign up for classes and learn something new!
Reflection, honesty, and a great deal of warmth and support will be a wonderful experience. I know I am in my in my forties (42) now and have been married for twenty seven, (yes 27) years. I started quite early, but believe me I know about the rollercoaster ride we call love and can honestly say I would do it all again.
Thought to Ponder
If someone believes in you, and you believe in your dreams, it can happen."
Tiffany Loren Rowe
I have listed some Hotline numbers you can call for help and support.
Remember you are not alone, just reach out ..........
1-800-4ACHILD
BATTERED WOMEN - WOMEN'S TASK FORCE 1-800-646-
TASK
RAPE CRISIS HOTLINE (24 HRS) 1-800-658-HOPE
SUICIDE HOTLINE 1-800-444-999
ALCOHOL HOTLINE 1-800-ALCOHOL
AL-ANON FAMILY GRUP (ALCOHOL) 1-800-356-9996
COCAINE HOTLINE 1-800-GOCAINE
CANCER INFORMATION SERVICE 1-800448-3000
AIDS/HIV HOTLINE 1-800-3422437
Wanda Goss
