(MASSAPEQUA, NY) WANG fans were shocked at the news that their long-time hero was finally moving on… leaving his boyhood home of Floral Park for greener pastures in Masssapequa. Rumors had been circling among fans that a major change to the dynamic of WANG was imminent. Sources close to the band had leaked out information that a WANG member was considering a "major life change,' but no other details were released. There was no shortage of theories though, as WANG fans offered guesses to what that life change might be. Mike V was seen at a club in Greenwich Village recently, prompting some to infer that he was coming out of the closet. Pyle was overheard describing an intimate encounter with a young girl and a box cutter, leaving many to wonder if he was joining the Taliban. Hellcat and Pliers had both separately discussed plans to go to Vegas, so some fans thought that the two were going to elope. The allegations spread like a rash, but when WANG called a press conference last week, the speculation would finally come to a close.

The crowd was hushed as Tubby took the podium at Tin Alley. WANG's MC cleared his throat.

"I'm moving on," said the Grammy Award winner.

Hysteria broke out at the second-rate bar and grill. Fans wondered if the lanky fuck had lost his mind. How could a talent-less bastard like Tubby leave the Supergroup on whose coattails he'd ridden for so long? Did this tone-deaf wannabe really think he could make it as a solo act? Just what was he thinking?

"I'm moving out of my house in Floral Park, and I've rented an apartment in Massapequa," clarified the wonderfully articulate Tubby. "I thought it was time. Ineed a more convenient place for which to plant the flagpole. My groupies demanded a more luxurious pad to bang at, and I've decided to accommodate them. I hope to host our next record release party there. WANG rules."

The crowd at Tin Alley exhaled a deep sigh of relief, as they realized that Tubby wasn't quitting the band, only changing addresses. The fans only relaxed for a second though, when the mood changed to anger. Those in attendance expressed their anger once again, feeling that they had been royally screwed by the MC known as Tubby. It seems that Tubby had previously promised half of Long Island that he intended to move in with them. The temperature in the room seemed to rise as each attendee screamed at Tubby for "screwing them out of an apartment."

Tubby left out the back door in a hurry, where Big John and Mike V were waiting with a U-Haul. "Fuck those bastards," said Big John. "Let them find their own apartments. A man like Tubby needs a place to sow his oats in private. If Tubby wants his own place, then I'll help him pack the pepperoni." Early Saturday morning Mike V and John packed the pepperoni, and all of Tubby's stuff into the U-Haul and unloaded it at his new Massapequa abode. The move went off without a hitch, and Tubby has even built a mini studio in the place's walk-in closet. In between egg fights with the neighbors, Tubby been hard at work mixing WANG's new single, "Sore Winker."