Angel turned around to meet Buffy's gaze, dark blue eyes on intense chocolate ones. "Buffy ..."

"Oh God." Buffy let out a small gasp before recovering slightly. "Sorry ... I didn't realise ..." She fumbled for the door handle, avoiding his gaze in confusion. "I uh ... I came over to talk ..." Her eyes travelled unwittingly to Cordelia's waking form as she continued on breathlessly. "The ... demon thing - I'll wait outside." With her Slayer strength she practically wrenched the door off its hinges and quickly disappeared from view.

Buffy tried to remain calm as she paced in front of the dormant fireplace, her mind racing. She had no idea what she had just stumbled into, and she didn't really want to jump to any conclusions.

Angel and Cordelia? Was it possible? Not that it wasn't possible or that it was necessarily a bad thing, but ... Angel and Cordelia? It was just so ... strange. And weird. But not necessarily weird bad, it could be weird good, and - and her mind was racing way too much to sound coherent even to her which was some feat considering that this was her brain and everything in it should technically make sense -

"Nothing upstairs." Buffy was jolted momentarily from her confusion as Xander trooped down the stairs, shrugging his shoulders. "Think he and CC's skipped town already?"

His question was answered as Angel charged out of his room, hastily buttoning his shirt in the process. His eyes barely registered the curious presence of Xander Harris before settling on Buffy. "Buffy -" He started.

"No Angel ... you don't have to explain." Buffy had no idea if the thoughts that were forming inside her head were coming out right, but she plunged on regardless. "I mean, it's totally none of my business. Totally none of my business." She emphasised, wishing herself a million miles away.

"What's none of your business?" Xander asked, more than a little curious now. Out of all the possible reactions he imagined Buffy to have upon seeing Angel again, he never expected this. Of course, he was living on the Hellmouth which technically meant that he should really have gotten used to expecting the unexpected by now.

"Hey - uh, Angel. How's it going?" Angel was momentarily distracted by Xander's casual greeting.

"Xander." He paused and checked his own confusion. "What ... what are you doing here?"

The younger man shrugged. "Came to check in with CC. She around?"

"She's in the bedroom -"

Almost on cue Cordelia rushed out of the bedroom, her gaze askance. Her medium length hair had been hurriedly brushed down and she had changed into a more respectable outfit of jeans and tank top. Her hazel eyes lingered on Angel and Buffy before registering Xander's presence.

"Xander?"

"Cordy." He threw her an engaging smile. "How's things?"

"Good." Cordelia responded absent-mindedly, frowning as Angel and Buffy continued to remain immobile, locked in a frozen gaze.

God this situation was so complicated - and not to mention, way awkward. She and Angel hadn't even done anything but they still had to deal with the fallout. Talking about the total unfairness of things. If she and Angel actually had done something, then - She was definitely chalking this disaster to the PTBs.

She took a deep breath and hoped that Buffy wouldn't be mad enough to stake her on the spot, human or not, or else the PTBs would be paying her workman's comp - big time. "Look Buffy, Angel and I -"

"Cordelia ... You guys don't have to explain ... I mean, I just came to make sure you guys were okay, you know, what with the demon slayage and all ... "

"Buffy -" Angel started.

Cordelia protested vehemently. "But we weren't doing anything on the bed --"

"Really guys, you so don't have to explain, I get it -"

Xander suddenly caught onto the conversation. "Whoa - what? You and soul boy?" He asked Cordelia incredulously. "You and - Angel?"

"No!" Angel and Cordelia protested together.

A moment of tension hung in the air before Cordelia plundered on. "Look Buffy, it's not what you think, really. Not that it'd be any of your business anyway if it was, but it so isn't at the moment, and -"

"Cordy," Angel gently cut her off with a light touch on her elbow. "I think maybe Buffy and I need some time alone right now. Could you ...?"

"Sure." She flipped Angel a tiny smile. "I'll pick up some blood on the way back." Cordelia gave Buffy an awkward wave before locking gazes with Xander, who had begun to resemble a stunned fish. "Take me for a coffee Xander?"

Without waiting for his incoherent reply she steered him out of the mansion and into the bright Sunnydale sunshine outside.

* * *

Buffy stared intently at the fireplace in front of her, trying to somehow wish herself away from the mansion. Far away, away from Sunnydale, away from California, just ... away from here. Anywhere but being confronted by Angel's patented puppy dog expression, his eyes shining with worry. She could almost hear his earnest concern, 'Buffy, are you okay? Say something, please. Anything. Just don't not talk to me.'

God. How had she landed herself in this mess? One minute she was all, 'Hey Angel, I just wanted to come by and thank you for saving my life', the next it was 'Angel, it's totally none of my business, and by the way are you sleeping with Cordelia?'. And now she was all confused and as a rule, Buffy hated being confused. Confusion was bad. It was way up there with mixing pinstripes with polka dots and allowing Dawn to do the laundry when she knew nothing about colours. Absolute end-of-the-world-type chaos.

The most galling thing wasn't the fact that she had been totally clueless as to how close Angel and Cordelia had gotten over the past two years. It wasn't even the fact that there were obviously parts of Angel's life that she didn't know anything about. The most stupidest, most galling and idiotic thing was that despite finding Angel and Cordelia together ... It didn't even hurt all that much!

Well okay, that wasn't strictly true. It hurt a hell of a lot but it was - god it was bearable! Which was the most unbearable thing about her rampaging emotions right now.

Buffy suddenly got off the couch and started pacing back and forth in front of a worried Angel.

"Okay, here's the deal -"

"Buffy." Angel mirrored her and stood up, sticking his hands protectively in his pockets. He instinctively braced himself, afraid to lose what momentary peace he had built up with Buffy during her stay in L.A.

"No Angel, let me say this." She said through gritted teeth. "Things have obviously changed between you and Cordelia, which is fine. Things change, I get that. It's none of my business, so you can get back to your demon fighting life in L.A and leave me to live mine here." She started to walk away.

Angel leaned in toward her, his eyes searching hers. "Look Buffy, no matter what you're saying, you're obviously worked up over this. We should talk about -"

"God, can you just take a moment to get over yourself first? This isn't about you, or us, or -"

"Yes, it is." Angel said with uncharacteristic steel. "It's all about us."

"In case you don't remember, you're the one that ended it two years ago." Buffy could feel the beginnings of her anger seep through to her words. "And unless I'm mistaken, the whole point about ending 'us' is so that there wouldn't be any more - 'us'."

She rushed past him and headed for the door. "I came by to say thanks for saving my life. So - thanks."

"Oh no you don't." Angel circled her and placed himself implacably between her and the door. "There're obviously things we have to work out, and you're staying until we do."

"You're going to stop me how? You going to hit me again, like you did when I was trying to save you from Faith?"

Angel felt a surge of irrational anger before reigning it in. "Buffy that's beneath you."

She quietened, aware she had overstepped the mark.

"Okay you want to talk so much, so - talk. What 'things' do we have to talk about Angel? What things?" Her eyes bored into his as her voice crescendoed. "About how we don't 'live in each other's worlds' any more? About how there are so many things in your life I've missed out on sharing with you? About what a great new life you have now with your big Hollywood hotel and 'helping the helpless'?" The pitch of her voice grated in his ears. "Sorry, been there, done that." Her face was flushed and she was almost gasping with unsuppressed emotion. "What things do you want to talk about Angel?!"

Angel was beginning to feel his own anger pulsating through his veins, all the sadness and emotion pent up during his grieving for Buffy surging through his normally calm exterior. "I don't know, you tell me. You're the one that's getting all hot and bothered."

"I am not ..." Buffy huffed indignantly. "You're the one that's parading your new life in front of me, all moving on with Cordelia!"

"Me?" His own voice was beginning to rise with anger. "Me?! Parading my new life? Buffy, in case you've forgotten you've done some moving on yourself. Do I have to remind you how you practically threw Iowa farm boy in my face in L.A?"

"You leave Riley out of this."

"Don't worry, I was intending to." An angry laugh escaped him. "The fact is no matter how much I move on, I'll never be able to move on the way you already have." He sighed bitterly. "Does that make you feel any better?"

"God, Angel. What kind of person -" She stopped pacing, blinking back angry tears. "It's just ... You have no idea how hard this is for me!"

"What?" Angel asked her quietly, sensing a change in emotion.

"Well, duh!" Her anger was beginning to simmer down a little. "The ... the ... Angel, I died! Which by the way is not something that you do everyday. Which is great and all, really, I couldn't ask for a better ... death. But ... everything's different. You're different." She paused, then added quietly. "We're different."

"Buffy ..." His voice softened as he saw the tears beginning to stream quietly down her beautiful face. A face that he had kissed so many times. "We've been different for a very long time." He sighed. "Things change ... that's the way life is. We can't change that. But it doesn't mean it can't be a good type of different."

"I know." She whispered brokenly. "It's just ... There's something in me Angel, something that's not right. No one's supposed to die and come back to life again."

Angel's heart almost broke at the sight of her, sounding for all the world like a little girl lost. "Buffy ... is that what you think? What you've been thinking? That ... there's something bad or evil about you?"

She nodded mutely. "What if I came back, almost-Buffy, but with something else? Something dark or evil lurking underneath and no one could tell?

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was Buffy, who had sacrificed herself to save her sister, her friends, the world. How could she of all people fear that there was evil inside her pure soul?

"Buffy ... there's nothing evil about you." He took her delicate hands in his and gently traced soothing patterns on her palms. "I know you Buffy. No matter how much we've both changed, that will never change. And I know that you could never be anything but good."

"But what if I'm not really her any more? I mean, you can't be sure can you?" Her voice was rising again, this time with panic. "Angel I feel it. I feel something so different inside me. No matter how much I try to hide it, it's there."

Angel gently steered her to the couch, his face one of genuine concern. He wanted so much to make her feel better, to dispel this cloud of fear she had probably been under since her resurrection.

"Buffy." Her blue eyes were shining with tears. "You remember me going to Hell and back again, right?"

She laughed ruefully through her tears. "How could I forget?"

"I didn't know it at the time but the Powers That Be brought me back for something. Something important that only I could do. Something worth giving me another chance at life for." He paused as he watched her digest the information. "And now I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Saving souls." He smiled a surprisingly boyish smile. "Helping the helpless."

She smiled along with him. "So, do you think ...?"

"Yes. I do." He traced a finger gently down the curve of her face, resting on her chin. "You've been given another chance Buffy. There's something left for you to do. Treasure it."

She placed one of her warm hands on his gentle cold one, allowed it to linger briefly before pulling it back. The smile she gave him this time seemed to be mixed with the radiance of her soul.

They sat together in companionable stillness. The tension of the past seemed to have unravelled from the fibre of their relationship, and for the first time in a very long time, Buffy could only feel happiness in Angel's presence. They were at peace, with no conflict tempering the sweetness of the emotion, no guilt or pain or blame to be shared or suffered. Just the warmth and purity of love.

They were starting over with a clean slate. As friends, ones who would always love each other in one way or another.

"Do you love her?" Buffy asked after a while, her voice so quiet that he barely caught it as it hung in the air between them.

"Buffy, Cordelia and I, we're not - We didn't -" His face remained impassive but his eyes lit up slightly. "I ... don't know. Maybe. I think ... even if I did, we couldn't really be together anyway. Too much pain ... I wouldn't want to put Cordy through what I put you through."

"Angel ... you didn't. I mean ... A lot of stuff happened because we didn't know about the curse, that's all. It could've been a lot different, but ..." She fought down the still raw emotion. "We found each other, you know? No matter what happened, that counts for a lot." She eyed him as she continued haltingly. "No matter what you say, it's important to let people know you love them. Because ... you never know when your time will be up."

Buffy wanted to say more, much more, but she was too selfish. It hurt to even think of Angel caring for someone like he had cared for her, but at the same time she wanted to help him the way he had helped her - listening and understanding the secret fear that had been haunting her for two months. Angel had been right - no matter how much he wanted to, he could never truly leave his past behind. She felt his torment, felt his isolation from everything and everyone around him. She knew he had always felt like that, felt like he didn't deserve to be part of the world.

She didn't want him to feel like that any more. She wanted so badly to make him happy, to make him feel loved ... And if Cordelia was the one person who could make him happy, then ...

"Angel." There was a faraway look in his dark orbs, suggesting that his mind had been dwelling on distant memories. "This is really hard for me to say, but ... You can't sacrifice living the present because you're afraid. Because you'll end up regretting the chances you've lost and ... you should be happy. Now. With someone you love."

She couldn't continue. It was just too hard. She hoped that he understood that she was giving her blessing to him in a way, to find something that he needed so badly. Something that she had been unable to give him, through no fault of her own.

He smiled, a wonderfully rare smile that lit up his chocolate brown orbs and made her soul sing with joy. He did understand. Leaning forward, he gave her a chaste kiss that somehow conveyed his relief and sweet regret, promising the peace of the future yet closing the door to the past.

It was a moment Buffy would remember for the rest of her life. Although she wasn't fully able to comprehend it until much later, the old wounds that had been festering between her and Angel had started healing at that moment. Their old love would forever be in their hearts, locked in stasis, a treasure shining brightly in the past. But now it was over, and there was sadness at the loss of her first love, but - there was also something else. Hope. Hope for the brightness of the future. Of peace, contentment, the deepest of friendships. Something that the old Buffy could never have appreciated to its full extent, but the new Buffy could. Because the new Buffy had died and come back to life, able to realise what a precious gift life truly was.

She smiled. The happiness shining through her dark blue orbs captured his dark brown ones, and they spent a moment luxuriating in the past for the last time. Regretting less what would never be; hoping more for whatever could be.

A smile crept tentatively over Angel's handsome visage, and Buffy knew.

Things were going to be okay.

 

(c) Vivian Ngan August 2001