Apparently for the past 18 years of my life I've been under the mistaken impression that one's value as a human being depends on personality, intelligence, character, integrity and things of that nature. I suppose I was just blind to the blatantly obvious fact that you are not defined by who you are, but rather by the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the car you drive, and so on. Whoops, my bad. I guess nowadays in order to be a decent person you must adhere strictly to the guidelines that pop culture has established for us.
Up until now, I had always assumed that it was acceptable for me to have my own individual taste in clothing. But I guess I just can't be cool unless I follow the acceptable clothing styles that have been approved by pop culture. Here I've been wearing khakis all these years when apparently it is much cooler to where faded jeans, even though I really don't understand the point of wearing these shit-stained denim abominations. Why would anyone want to go out and pay $80 for a pair of jeans that look like someone mistook them for a roll of toilet paper. Why would you pay extra money to buy a new pair of jeans that are intentionally manufactured to look older when you could buy a pair of jeans that actually is older for much less? It just defies all logic. It's like paying extra for a Mercedes that has scratches and rust damage, or a one-legged hooker with deep facial scars and 9 STD's. Just as bad are those damn cut-off jeans. Shouldn't I get money back for the part of the jeans that they removed? Even worse are the people who cut up and expensive pair of jeans themselves. What the hell do you do, sew the pant legs back on for winter? Perhaps the only thing that is more annoying are those damn skate-boarder faggots with the backwards visors. Does wearing it backwards make it more effective at keeping the sun out of your eyes? Nope, the media has just determined that wearing them backwards is much cooler than actually wearing it for its intended purpose.
According to many, I suffer from a condition called "conformity." Fortunately, however, the cure for this serious illness is rather simple. All I have to do is where a ridiculous amount of piercings, dye my hair unnatural colors, limit my clothes shopping to Hot Topic, and wrap myself in chains. As any punk or Goth will gladly inform you, these simple modifications to your physical appearance will inherently make you a more unique and interesting person. They make a good argument, because uniqueness is undeniably based solely on your physical appearance and has nothing to do with your inner character at all. Yet I can't help but wonder what they would say if I were to inform them that they are merely hypocritical conformist hiding under a facade composed of hair dye and facial piercings. If their style is so unique, then why are do all of these non-conformists defy social norms in the exact same way. The reason is simple. Their "uniqueness" has been pre-defined by a group of clothing executives trying to make money off of the tendency of people to rebel. Is there no end to the stupidity and hypocrisy of America?
The simple fact remains that you, despite what you may think, are not cool. There are many reasons why you're a bad person. You're clothing style is all wrong. You don't have enough piercings and your hair color is wrong. You don't drive the right kind of car. You have a poor taste in music. You're too fat. You're not attractive enough. But don't be disappointed. You just need to listen to our friends in the mass media, and your days of unpopularity will quickly come to an end. Start wearing faded jeans, cut-off jeans, backwards visors, shirts that have the Abercrombie and Fitch logo, pants with messages such as "angel" printed on the ass. Get your eyebrows pierced and dye you're hair bright red. Trade in your old Subaru for a pimped-out Honda Civic. But don't forget to put the giant wing on the rear. The down-force on those rear wheels really help on those front-wheel drive cars. Get rid of your old music and buy some new CD's. Not quite sure what to buy? Let MTV be your guide. They know what's cool, right? To get rid of those extra annoying pounds, simply starve yourself for days and days or sign up for one of those yo-yo diets. Since your obviously not attractive enough, invest in some expensive make-up. Or for the hopelessly fugly, invest in cosmetic surgery. Just follow these rules and you too can make yourself a better person.
The fact is that no matter how original you think you are, you are as much as a conformist as all of your Abercrombie wearing butt-buddies. You didn't make the clothes yourself, you bought them in a popular store where millions of other people shop. These styles were invented by marketing executives to make money off of suckers like you. These money-driven executives in the media are the only true trend-setters. The logic you use to claim that you are more unique than the rest of us has no basis in reality. But I guess attempting to think for myself was my first mistake. Why be myself when I can sit back and let the media define who I am?