No, ladies and gentlement, I am not trying out a new pick-up line. I am referring to one of the most disturbing trends in society today... a practice more senseless than terrorism, child-molestation, interracial homoeroticism, and voting Democratic. I shudder just thinking about it. What, you ask, could possibly be worse than all of these things? One word... "vegetinarianism."
The concept of vegetinarianism originated around 400 years ago. The Kcus Uoy Tribe of South America were the first group of people known to engage in the practice of not eating meat. Though a variety of tastey animals (ocelots, monkeys, birds, poison dart frogs, and the now endagered pink-toed tree-fucker) were plentiful in their section of the rainforest, the members of this tribe were simply too lazy to hunt. Gathering meat was simply too painstaking of an endeavor. Instead, they limited their diet to rocks and fecal matter left behind by other animals (and sometimes each other). The Kcus Uoy Tribe quickly starved to death. This custom was adopted by numerous other South American tribes, but with little success. That is, until about 50 years later when it was discovered that plant matter was edible. The practice of vegetinarianism has remained virtually unchanged every since this revolution in Foodology.
But what place does vegetinarianism really have in our society today? It was invented simply as a means to keep a bunch of mentally-impaired South Americans from having to get off their lazy asses to hunt. But thanks to modern technology like the electrified anal probe, we no longer have to hunt for our meat. We can just sit back in the comfort of our own homes while underpaid factory workers jam long steal rods up the asses of cattle and electricute them. The tastey result is then cut up, packaged, and delivered to your local grocery store. It just doesn't get more convenient than that.
Some people claim that eating meat is cruel to animals. But what these people don't realize is that they are stupid and no one cares about their opinions. If God didn't want us to hunt or eat animals, he wouldn't have invented guns. And on top of that, it is the animals' fault for being so damn tastey in the first place. A little known fact about the meat-production process is that cows actually like anal electricution. When a cow's anus is stimulated by an electrical current, it produces an incredibly pleasing, almost orgasmic, sensation. After a few moments of incredible pleasure, they are sent to Cow Heaven to be reunited with their cow parents. We are actually doing them a favor.
Another common misconception is that farm animals such as cows, pigs, and chickens are docile herbivores, when in fact cows are some of the most vicious predators the world has ever seen. Every year, hundreds of farmers die as a result of cow attacks. Pig and chicken attacks claim nearly as many lives. The media has conspired to keep these tragedies secret for years in order to prevent the meat industry from collapsing. But their silence on the issue doesn't change the chilling fact that farm animals are blood-thirsty carnivores. A cow would kill you and your entire family if it ever got the chance. Don't give them the opportunity... eat them before they eat you.
I think it is pretty clear at this point that eating meat is the right thing to do, and that you are a moron for believing otherwise. So the next time someone sticks their meat in front of your face... just stick it in your mouth already.