BACK		NEXT		Westlife Celebrity Survivor

By Unknown

Episode One ? Meet The Survivors

***** Hoku Island ? Team Taki *****

?You have to be kidding me! The little diva is on OUR team?? Mark complained to Shane when he spotted the blonde crimped-haired girl looking at her nails a couple of meters away.
?Shh!! She?ll suffocate us with that hair of hers if you?re too loud,? Shane hissed to Mark. ?Besides, we won?t have Bryan to bug us all the time and we?ll actually have some food.?
Shane noticed Christina prancing up to him and Mark.
?Which one of you weenies will carry my valise to our tent?? Christina said in an arrogant voice and flipped her huge hair over her shoulder.
?Not me, Moulin Ho. I?m taking a nap.? Mark rolled his eyes at her and was about to leave when Shane grabbed him by the arm.
?What do you mean, you?re taking a nap?? Shane asked him. ?We have work to do like collecting firewood and finding some food.?
Mark yawned. ?Later Shane. This is the only time I?m actually going to sleep at least 2 hours a night.? He smiled at Christina to piss her off. ?Ta-ta sweetheart.?
?I gotta go.? Shane quickly said to Christina to avoid helping her with her bags. He looked around the beach hoping to find Nicky. A few minutes of searching, he found Nicky sprawled all over the sand with scratches on his cheek.
?Oh my God! Nicky!? Shane ran over to Nicky. ?What happened??
Nicky groaned and rubbed his bloody cheek. ?I told Jennifer Lopez that she had a nice arse and all of sudden, pow!?
?We have J. Lo on our team too? What is with these celebrity Survivors? Putting all these divas on the island!? Shane said in a sarcastic tone and helped Nicky up.

***** On the other side of Hoku Island ? Team Pagong *****

?Where?s the grub?? Bryan patted his stomach as the raft landed ashore on the beach.
?Can you not think about food for a second? We?re on a limited supply, you nincompoop!? Kian yelled at Bryan.
?Yeah, but I?m hungry again after eating those white beady stuff on the raft.? Bryan?s stomach growled.
Everyone gasped in horror.
?Yo homie! That was our only supply of rice! Damn! McFasto over there is going to make us starve to death!? Justin berated Bryan, but then turned his attention to his curly afro. Everyone knew that Justin?s special item he brought along was his afro pick.
?Well, maybe I can find some meat.? Bryan and Kian turned around to find a huge woman, even taller than Bryan. She had a deep voice and ripped muscles. They couldn?t believe that Chyna, the WWF wrestler was on their team.
?Umm?.? Kian gulped. ?Sure.?
When Chyna left, Bryan let out some giggles. ?What a he-man!?
?Hey everyone!? Robin Williams popped out of the dense jungle. ?We have an immunity challenge tonight!? Robin started to wave around a piece of paper.
?Let me see that.? Britney plucked the piece of paper out of Robin?s hand.
?What does it say?? Kian asked Britney with a curious look on his face.
?Hmm?. Something about a food contest. I?m guessing it has to do with eating bugs or whatever.? Britney told everyone.
?Mmmm?. Food.? Bryan drooled at the thought of food, even if it meant eating bugs.

***** Immunity Challenge *****

?I trust you all have gotten to know your teammates.? Jeff Probst, the host, said out loud in front of everyone.
Everyone groaned.
?This is worse than being in an elevator on the 200th floor.? Nicky commented when J. Lo shot a look at him.
Jeff laughed. ?At least we?re making money out of you guys. Hehehe?? He cackled for a few seconds then stopped when he realized what he was doing. ?Anyway, as you know, the team that loses this challenge goes to tribal council to vote a member of their own team off.?
?I can?t wait to vote that crimped ho off this crappy island.? Mark seethed through his teeth, referring to Christina.
Christina turned on her heel. ?As if, I?m going to kick your bi ass if you lose this for the team.?
?The rules of this challenge are simple. Eat the object in front of you and you?re one step closer to winning the challenge. The team that has all of its members eat their food and eats it in the fastest time, wins this immunity idol ? a statue of Elton John.? Jeff announced and held up a shiny statue.
?Ooh! I gotta have that!? Robin whined as soon as he heard the name Elton John.
?Shut up Robin!? everyone screamed at Robin.

?As you can see, there?s plates with covers on them in front of you. When I say ?Go?, you take the cover off and eat that little surprise. Go!?
Everyone threw the cover off and stared at the little surprise in front of them.
?I have to eat kitty litter?? Britney complained and wrinkled her nose in digust.
Everyone groaned at the scent of the kitty litter. Chyna, being the tough man-look-alike gagged as soon as she smelled it. Bryan immediately chowed down. ?Yum yum.? He complimented the nasty surprise.
?How can you eat that Bryan?? Kian inched away from Bryan, who had kitty poop all over his lips.
Bryan didn?t say anything but smiled while having brown smudges all over his mouth.
?Ick! This is worse than Britney?s poo! I wish I never made that comment!? Nicky covered his mouth, trying to not to puke.
?How would you know about my ex-girlfriend?s poo! I?m the only person who has smelled it!? Justin yelled at Nicky then quickly shut up.
?Hey! At least I have perfect poo. Unlike your diarrhea-style poo!? Britney shot back at Nicky after Justin defended her.
Nicky blushed in embarrassment and stared down at his mound of kitty litter.
?Time?s up!? Jeff announced and everyone cheered.
?Well, since only one of you ate it and by the way, someone very very sad, ate it, the immunity idol goes to Bryan?s team, Team Pagong.? Jeff handed the idol to Bryan.
Robin grabbed it out of Bryan?s hand and started to kiss the rhinestone-studded glasses on the idol. ?My idol!? he screamed.

***** Tribal Council *****

?Who are you going to vote off?? Shane asked Mark as they all walked up the bridge to the tribal council site.
?Here?s a hint ? she?s a bitch.? Mark growled as he carried his torch.
?I?m voting the Puff Daddy?s accomplice off the island. Did you know she actually tried to burn my Superman underwear?? Nicky said.
?Good thing she tried.? Shane mumbled.

?Welcome back! Unfortunately, it?s not going to be a welcome back for one of you celebrities,? Jeff took his spot in front of the team. ?Any comments on today?s immunity challenge??
?I wonder what kitty litter tastes like,? Calista Flockhart thought for a minute. ?Never mind, too many calories.?
?Time to vote. Miss Aguilera, you?re up first.? Jeff guided Christina to the voting booth.
?First. That?s my middle name.? Christina laughed manically and trounced off in her black and pink garter outfit that had her tiny ass hanging out.
?Yeah! First to be voted off!? Mark gave Christina the middle finger.

***** Voting Booth Speeches *****

Christina: ?I?m voting the bisexual guy off. Whatever his name is. Nah? It?s not important. What?s important is that, I need to know how I desperately look. This weave is killing me. That reminds me, I gotta give it back to Shakira. Anyway, I?m voting Mark off.?

Shane: ?I?m going to vote for Ally McMeal. She won?t even eat anything ? not even water! I can?t afford for us to lose because of her skinny ass! At today?s challenge, she would not even eat a grain of kitty litter!?

Nicky: ?Shane and I have an alliance together. As much as I wish I could vote off that redneck J. Lo, I?m going to do right and vote Calista off. She?s way too skinny. She can?t even lift up a tiny twig!?

Calista: ?Oh my God! I hate the water here! It?s so dirty! Whoever said that water is the source of all life is a serious nut! (to the producer) Yeah? I have to vote someone off? Right?.. I guess I?m going to vote Mark off. He?s too lazy. He wouldn?t even lift a finger to collect some firewood. No wonder we were so cold at dinner. Dinner? I mean, no wonder they were so cold at dinner.

Mark: Two words: Moulin Ho.

J. Lo: I?m gonna make this short peeps. (makes gangster style hand movements) Yo Calista, your ass is outta here. No room for some pencil ladies. My ass is what it?s all about. (makes more hand movements and slaps her own ass) Peace out.

***** Back at Tribal Council *****

Jeff took the voting jar back to tribal council and started to read the votes. ?Remember, whoever has the most votes is the first person voted off the island.? He took a piece of paper out. ?First vote? What?s this? Bisexual Guy? Oh yeah? That?s you Mark.?
?I am not bi! How many times do I have to tell you? That was a dare!? Mark screamed out loud with his fists clenched.
?Second vote ? Calista. Third vote ? Calista again. Fourth vote ? Christina.? Jeff was reading the votes until Christina let out a shrill scream.
?What the hell? Whose sorry ass voted for the lil ?ol me?? Christina struggled to get hair out of her mouth. Then she turned to Mark. ?You! I?m gonna sue you for defamation!?
?Fifth vote ? Mark. That?s two votes for Calista and two votes for Mark,? Jeff took out the last piece of paper. ?The first person voted off the island is?.. Calista.?
?I?m voted off? But this was going to be my ultimate diet!? Calista protested as she got up.
?Your torch please?? Jeff held out his hand to get Calista?s torch.
Calista squealed. ?If I was a real lawyer, I would sue you, but since I?m not, oh well.? She started to cry and bang her head against Jeff?s podium.
?We need a straitjacket over here!? Jeff yelled out to the producers. The producers appeared with a size extra extra small jacket and covered Calista?s chest ? that is if she had one with the straitjacket.
?Anyway. That?s all for now. Go back to your campsite and tomorrow?s another day of living hell. Hehehehe?.? Jeff cackled and wriggled his fingers.