BACK		NEXT

Episode Eight ? ?The Hole? Proves Its Meaning

***** Campsite ? in the middle of the night *****

?Oh shit! I gotta go take a dump!? Britney moaned as she felt like she was going to explode while the others slept.
?Quiet!? J. Lo screamed and slapped the back of Britney?s head. ?I?ll pop a cap in your ass when this whole thing is over if you wake me up like that again!?
Britney groaned and rubbed the sore spot on her head. It was a good thing that Mark and Christina pushed Bryan into ?the hole? earlier in the day to make him scoop out all the leftovers of his Happy Meal. Britney felt her bowels widening and she quickly rushed out of the tent into the dark jungle struggling to hold it.
?Aaaaaahhhhh???? Britney sighed as she sat over the hole. Her eyes drooped as she did her stinky bowel movements. ?This feels so good!?

***** The next morning *****

Mark rubbed his eyes as the early traces of the island hit shone over him. He rolled over and saw Christina curled up in a ball and a strand of her maggot-infected hair was in her mouth.
?I gotta take a piss.? Mark mumbled and held his ?package? as he pulled on his shiny purple blouse. He regretted not going to the bathroom last night when he noticed that his blanket had huge yellow pee stains all over it.
?Bi Feehily! I told you to borrow Angela Lansbury?s Depends!? Bryan groaned when he noticed the pee stains all over Mark?s pants as well.
?Shut up Bryan!? Mark seethed and covered up the ?unsightly? stains. ?I?m going to ?the hole?.?
Bryan laughed. ?Does Marky need help using the toilet?? Bryan teased Mark and went back to sleep, still giggling.

***** 10 minutes later *****

?Where did Mark go?? Christina woke up and asked Bryan after seeing that Mark was not in his bed, although his pee stains clearly showed on the blanket they shared. ?Oh no! Did he piss himself in his sleep again??
Bryan plugged his nose. ?I smell something.?
?Whew!? J. Lo covered her nose again. ?Christina!!!! Did you let one loose again? How many times have I told you to not to drink these Colon Blasters again??
Christina clenched her fists. ?That wasn?t me!!!!? She screeched and stuck her bum in the air for J. Lo to smell. ?Smell me!?
J. Lo leaned forward and took a whiff. ?By God! She?s right!? She exclaimed bewilderedly to Bryan. ?Then if it wasn?t me, it wasn?t Christina, it wasn?t Britney, and it wasn?t Bryan then who it was??
Footsteps could be heard. ?Is that Mark?? Britney asked in an innocent voice.
To everyone?s horror, Mark stepped inside the tent covered in huge beastly flies. ?That?s it! Pack up your stuff! We?re leaving!? Mark screamed to everyone.
?What? Why?? Bryan gasped and swatted off a fly.
Mark growled. ?Because something died in ?the hole?!!!!!!!!? He screeched and shook off bits of shit that clung to his leg.
?No!!!!? Christina wailed.
?I?m serious honeybunches! Something died in there because it is so foul that it?s toxic enough to kill the entire population of England!? Mark protested and started to pack up his eye shadow kit.
?Wait a minute!? J. Lo bobbed her head at Britney?s direction. ?I remember a certain person getting up in the middle of the night to use ?the hole?.?
Britney blushed. ?Um.? She stuttered and fidgeted with her collapsing bra straps.
?It was you!!!!? Mark dropped his eye shadows and pounced onto Britney. ?You made me smell like Christina?s shit load of hair!!?
Britney choked as Mark gripped her throat. ?I didn?t mean to?. Christina gave me one of her protein shakes!!!?
Bryan let out a large gasp. ?That?s not a protein shake! That?s a Colon Blaster! Christina uses them to get rid of all the food she eats!?
Christina turned beet red and started to back into the corner of the tent.
Britney pushed Mark off her. ?You tried to poison me you?. You?. You Maggot Ho!? She screamed at Christina.
Christina muttered some profanities before defending herself by making Britney choke on her hair. ?Take that you so-called virgin!?
?Hey! Hey! That?s enough for today!? J. Lo kicked each of them before pulling their hair. ?Stop that you freakin? pop bitches!?
Bryan and Mark stood there in shock.
?I?ve had enough of you two!? J. Lo screamed and knocked Britney and Christina?s heads together. ?You two make me so sick that I just wanna commit suicide!?
?Lesbo fight, lesbo fight, lesbo fight?? Bryan started chanting and hooting.
J. Lo snarled at Bryan. ?And you McFatso, you are the laziest son of a bitch I?ve ever met in my life! The only thing that you consider a debate is whether to order a Big Mac or a Double Cheeseburger!?
?But it?s important to consider the calories you know?? Bryan defended himself.
?Hey calm down Jennifer!? Mark held his hands up at J. Lo who started panting and sweating. ?There?s only a couple of more days in this.?
?I?m about to freaking explode!? J. Lo sobbed and buried her head in Mark?s poo-stained purple blouse.
?Calm down baby, calm down. I know what will make you feel better.? Mark whispered to her.
J. Lo lifted up her head. ?What?? She wiped away a tear.
?Come here with me.? Mark grabbed her hand and led her out of the tent onto the beach away from all the other crazy Survivors.
?I don?t understand?.? J. Lo started to say but dropped her jaw as soon as Mark ripped off his clothes.
Mark raised his left eyebrow seductively.
?Fuck this! I need some lovin?!? J. Lo torn off her shirt and jumped onto Mark.

***** Immunity Challenge *****

?Where?s Jeff?? Bryan looked around as he and the others waited on a log bench.
Two seconds later, two production assistants wheeled Jeff out onto a raised platform. Poor Jeff was in a full body cast. Even his whole face was in a body cast and two holes were created for the eyes, along with two small holes for his nostrils and another circle-shaped hole for his mouth.
?Hey Mr. Probst! Are you okay?? Britney shouted out like a brown-nose class president.
?Shut up!!!!!!!!!? Jeff screamed from underneath the cast.
Britney slinked back into her seat in embarrassment. ?Sorry.? She muttered and started to cry.
Jeff struggled to read a cue card. ?Urgh?.?
The other Survivors could tell that the holes for his eyes were not big enough.
?Today?s?. Immunity?. Challenge will be?. A physical?. Challenge.? Jeff read the card slowly like he was having sex.
?What?s the challenge?? Bryan piped in.
?You?. Will?. Have?. To swim?. In shark?. Infected?..Waters.? Jeff read again and moved his wheelchair in the direction of the Pacific Ocean.
?You have to be kidding me!? J. Lo gasped when she saw shark fins circling the whole island.
?Nope!? Jeff cackled and groaned again. ?You?. Have to?. Swim to the beacon? And back? The winner?. Will not?be voted? Off?. The island tonight?. At Tribal Council.?
Christina shot an evil glare at Britney. ?You?re going down bi-otch.?
Britney did her own bobble. ?Nyet! You?re the bi-otch who?s going down!!!?
?On my mark!? Jeff screamed. ?Get Set! Go!? The sound of gunfire could be heard.
All the Survivors peeled down to their skimpy swimsuits. Even Bryan had on his outdated silver thong. They scurried down the beach and jumped into the ocean.
?Help me! My hair is attracting all the sharks!? Christina wailed and flapped her arms in the water.
?Get out of my way Maggot Ho!? J. Lo screamed and pushed Christina further into the water.
?Hey!? Mark saw what J. Lo did. ?Even though you?re my whore, Christina?s my bitch!? Mark punched J. Lo square in the face, making her lose consciousness.
?You?re my hero Bi Feehily!? Christina squealed as Mark grabbed hold of her and swam to shore.
?I?. Can?t?. Swim!? Bryan gasped for air as a huge shark started circling him.
?Uh-oh! I?m shark food now.?
?Gotcha!? Britney was the first to reach the beacon and began swimming back. ?I guess my boobs are really good use as flotation devices!?
At the end of the challenge, Britney was the first to reach the idol on shore, followed by Mark, Christina and Bryan. J. Lo was nowhere to be found, thanks to Mark?s actions.
Jeff peered through his body cast. ?Where?s the Bronx Bitch??
Mark gulped. ?I think she swam away.? He lied and shuffled his feet.
Jeff stared at Mark for a minute before bursting in laughter. ?Who cares anyway? Britney, you are the winner of the freaking Elton John idol! You cannot be voted off tonight!?
?Oh my god! I actually won something worthwhile and not because of my image!? Britney gasped and started to bawl in happiness.
?Shut up!? Christina screeched.
?So, I?ll see you guys at Tribal Council tonight?. Unfortunately.? Jeff mumbled before motioning for his attendants to take him away. ?Damn that Chyna!?
***** Tribal Council *****

?I wonder what happened to J. Lo.? Bryan queried the other Survivors when J. Lo didn?t show up to Tribal Council.
Mark and Christina avoided Bryan?s puzzled look.
?I think I saw Mark punching her in the face.? Britney spoke up.
?I DID NOT!!!!? Mark screamed all of sudden, causing Britney and Bryan to fall off their log stumps.
?Shut the hell up or you?ll give the whole thing away!? Christina whispered into Mark?s ear.
Mark took a deep breath and sat back down. ?You?re right.?
Jeff finally came out, still in his body cast, only to have a cigar sticking out of the hole created for his mouth.
?Fellow Survivors, I have bad news for you guys. There won?t be a Tribal Council tonight.? Jeff sighed and inhaled some of the cigar smoke.
?Then my whole win will go to waste!? Britney started to sob. ?I really wanted to prove myself as a real person!?
Jeff rolled his eyes. ?Be quiet! The Survivor production crew found the remains of Jennifer?s body in the ocean. The body could only be identified by the black gangster banner that J. Lo was reportedly rumoured to own.?
?Oh my God!? Mark wailed and grabbed a hold of Christina?s hair to blow his nose. ?I didn?t mean to hit her!?
Bryan?s head shot up. ?Britney was right! You planted one in her face!?
Mark nodded his head. ?I was only defending my honeybunches and besides J. Lo wasn?t much of a giver if you know what I mean. I?ve had better one-night stands before.?
Jeff blew smoke into Mark?s face. ?Good for you. Therefore, there will be no voting tonight and you are all required to go back to camp to burn all of J. Lo?s belongings to eliminate evidence that she was actually here.? Jeff wheeled over to Bryan. ?Got that Bryan?? He said in an evil voice.
Bryan whimpered. ?Yes sir. But will I get a Happy Meal if I burn her stuff??
?Yes Bryan? You will get a Happy Meal,? Jeff mimicked Bryan?s voice. ?Off you go then!?
After all the Survivors left, Jeff finally let out a loud cackle. ?One down, four to go?.?
more coming soon