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This episode was written by a special guest author ? Kary Ann. Kary Ann is a brilliant author and I?m lucky to have her write this great episode for me!

Episode Seven - The Second Coming of the He-Man

The situation was a little hellacious at the campsite. Due to the absence of the tiniest bit of sanity Jeff possessed, the survivors were getting a little?carried away. Where was Jeff, you may ask? Well Jeff, very sadly, had to spend an unpleasant two days at the hospital being treated for spinal cord dislocation, a bent skull, nine broken teeth, six broken fingers, his right hand fractured at several places and an amputated pinky toe. If it hadn?t been for the temporary short-term memory loss, he would have sued the life out of Chyna the West-Niled buffalo.

*****At the Campsite*****

?Oh God help me!!!? Bryan wept. ?I?m sooo hungry!!!?
?Wow! What else is new?? Mark grumbled, eyeing at Christina who was busy removing the ticks and maggot larvae from the yellow mass of weeds on her head.
?Hey! McFattypuke! Didn?t that old geezer Ronnie McDumbass just give you four Big Macs, three Diet Cokes and six extra large fries?? ranted J. Lo obviously very annoyed.
?Too late!? Nicky complained. ?I was lucky enough to get an aromatic whiff from ?the hole? this morning. My guess is that McFattened Fatso already emptied his Big Macked bowels this morning!?
?Pheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww?, squealed Christina and Mark together.
?The hole?, as it was fondly called by the Survivors, was the island?s so called toilet, which very sadly had no flush since it was just a hole in the ground. And you just stop and wonder how everyone gets the West Nile virus.
?This sucks,? Britney whined as she applied a blob of toothpaste on her G.I. Joe toothbrush. ?I wish Jeff was here?.
And then suddenly there was a terrifying sound!
Was it a bird? ? Oh! No! it wasn?t!
Was it a plane? ? Far from it!
Was it an insane retard screaming his life out? ? Close.
Was it a Tarzan wannabe gone wild? ? You could say that.
?What?.in the name of Christina?s maggot contaminated hair?is THAT!?? cried Mark, gaping at the creature who was swinging through the trees.
?Beats me!? Nicky said, peering to get a closer look.
The ?thing? finally landed on solid ground. It was a woman who painfully resembled someone very familiar.
?OH?.MY?.GOD!!!?, squealed Nicky, in sick horror. ?NOOOOOOO!!!!! Not again!
Help! She?s out to get me again! he cried, jumping up and down like someone whose bum just caught fire.
?Hey homo! Will you tell your friend to pipe down?? Christina screeched at Mark.
?Tell him yourself, Maggot Ho!? Mark shot back.
?Oh please! All this talking is like?soooo ruining my vocal chords thingy.? Christina sighed.
?Greetings Survivors!!! I?m Xena Warrior Princess!!!? shouted the creature. ?And I come in peace!!! I?ll be replacing Jeff for today since he?s rotting at the hospital. And since he?s paying me big bucks not to physically harm anyone of you, I thought it?d be fair to warn you not to get on my nerves?.
Britney peered at Xena. ?Say! Aren?t you that creature who acted in ?Planet of the Apes???
Xena gave Britney a smile sweet enough to make you squirm. ?One more word out of that pretty mouth of yours boob woman, and I?ll personally pull off each hair from that coconut shell of yours, which you so eloquently call a head, one by one?.
Britney promptly shut up, while Nicky shifted his weight uncomfortably. ?Now I think it should be fair to let you know that I?m actually Chyna?s long lost sister. I?.? Whatever Xena was going to say was interrupted by a piercing scream.
Everyone turned in surprise and amusement to see the terrified figure of Nicky Byrne running away as fast as his legs could carry.
?I swear! The weirdo seriously needs to take his wuss pills more often!?, squeaked Christina in a high pitched voice.
?Oh hey! Give the guy a break!!!? yelled good ol? Britney.
Before Britney could blink she felt a powerful sock right between the eyes.
?Firstly Ms. Plastic?? screamed an enraged Christina. ??SHUT UP! And secondly, SHUT UP AGAIN! Not only because I find your scratchy voice very painful but also because I find the prospect of listening to it extremely STRESSFUL!!!?
?Well I think you?re very rude, Moulin Slut!? said Britney in a small voice.
?What ?!? How dare you ?!?? cried a mortified Christina punching Britney in the gut.
Pretty soon, both equally stupid and smelly stinkpots were engaged in a full-fledged catfight.
?YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!? squealed a delighted Bryan. ? Lesbo fight! Lesbo fight!?
?ALRIGHT! BREAK IT UP!? boomed Xena trying to separate them.
But neither listened. Come hair or high plastic, both divas courageously fought on.
?WHAT PART OF BREAK IT UP DON?T YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU UNDER-MATURED TEENIES ?!?!?!?!?? Xena yelled as she tried to pull away Christina by the hair?if you could still call it hair.
J. Lo snorted. ?Wait till the lesbians hit puberty!?
?Now if you?ll all sit calmly we can get some work done here!? said Xena soothingly. Then looking around she added, ? Where?s the gay??.
?Gay? Oh! You mean Nicky?? Bryan replied.
?Is that the pansy?s name?? Xena smiled.
?How did you know he was gay?!? J. Lo asked in a puzzled voice.
Xena rolled her eyes. ?Gay people are like?SOOO predictable!?
?You said it sista!? squealed a delighted J. Lo, slapping Xena a high five.

?Alright celebrities! Here?s the deal?I brought along some food supplies for you. Jeff warned me about a certain person called Bryan, so everything is stacked away in my tent. And Bryan, don?t even THINK of sneaking in! I brought Jingle Ball, my pet skunk, given to me as a Christmas gift from my manwife, Will Young. You try to steal food and the very sight or smell of you will make any food shrivel up into tiny particles and disappear off the face of the earth!?

Everyone cheered while Bryan sat there, shocked at the sad reality.
?Alright!? said Xena raising her hand for silence. ? Now, your immunity challenge will be after lunch so you have the whole morning off. Therefore, instead of getting on everyone?s nerves, pulling each other?s hair, skin and clothes out as originally planned, I thought it would be nice if you all had some good reading material.?
She handed each a magazine.
Bryan giggled with delight when he got his. ?Grandma?s Recipes - 125364357835368283634537 Ways To Cook Broccoli?.
Christina wasn?t all that disappointed either. ?The Diva Wannabe - How to apply eye shadow while being bugged by a homosexual bi?.
Mark was hyper. ?Bi?s Weekly - How to go easy on the eye shadow?.
J. Lo hooted maniacally. ?Diva?s Delight - How to marry 6000 weenies within a span of 10 months flat?.
Britney was all giggly. ?Slut?s Special - New Victoria?s Secret X-tra holey Undies! Now in store! Limited stocks!!!?
Nicky?s magazine lay forgotten on the floor. ?The Gay Today- Win a ticket to Angela Lansbury?s new movie!!!?

***** Immunity Challenge *****

?Is everyone present?? Xena called out, trying to make the Survivors behave civilly.
?Nicky?s missing.? Mark piped in cheerfully.
?Let him be!? J. Lo said as she rolled her eyes. ?One sad nutcase less will be a refreshing change!?
?Bryan! Go find him and bring him straight here!? commanded Xena.
?YES SIR!!!? saluted Bryan and ran off.
Xena turned her attention back to the rest of the Survivors. ?Alright! This time?s immunity will be extremely simple. We?re going play a small game of Truth or Dare. I?m sure that even though as air-headed, self-centered, self-praising, as you over pampered celebrity poops really are, you still remember the rules. The contestant who fails to answer a question or do a certain dare is out of the game. Last survivor standing wins this utterly hideous Elton John trophy. Any questions??
Before anyone could say anything, two very familiar voices rang through the air.
?You ARE coming along, young man! And that?s that!? said Bryan in a menacing voice.
The other survivors, including Xena stared at the scene before them, amused to high heaven.
B-b-but B-b-ryan!! I don?t wannaaaaaaa!? Nicky wailed.
?You will!? said Bryan sternly, dragging Nicky by his ear. ?And stop whining or you?ll get a proper spanking on your bum!?
?B-b-but she?s that hoochie m-m-monster?s s-s-sister!? Nicky wept. He promptly got a tight smack on his backside, as promised.
?Come along Gay Byrne! Or I?ll tell Louis all about this when we get home, and then he won?t allow you to play with Shane anymore!? scolded Bryan sharply.
Nicky immediately shut his gob and followed Bryan.
?Where did you find him?? Xena asked, suddenly aware of an unimaginably unpleasant odor.
?Oh him? The poor she-man was hiding in ?the hole?. I?m starting to get this really stinky feeling that he doesn?t like you very much.?
?Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!? cried Christina holding her nose. ? Rotten eggs alert!!!?
J. Lo rolled her eyes. ?Put a cork in it Smelly Ho! We have to bear with your obscene body odor everyday, which, by far, in my opinion, is the most revolting!?
Mark exhaled loudly. ?Can we get on with this stupid charade already? The Teletubbies start in 10 minutes! And I desperately wanna see Po?s new Tuesday hat!!?
?Right!? said Xena. ? Let?s be seated shall we??
Nicky, in his zombified state, sat as far as he possibly could from Xena.
?We begin in alphabetical order?Britney, truth or dare?? Xena asked, holding up Britney?s Q-card.
? Dare!? Britney replied.
?Okay?Britney, I dare you to actually wear clothes.? said Xena, handing Britney a pair of extremely hole-less pair of jeans and a blinding green polo neck.
Britney stared at the clothes as it were a crime to look at them. ?Are you absolutely out of your manly mind?? she cried mortified.
?That?s like?sooooo?unslutty! No way! I refuse to be part of this sick game!? she said, obstinately folding her arms in front of her seven-story chest.
Xena happily threw away Britney?s Q-card and the clothes. ?Good! Makes my crappy job a whole lot easier! You?re out! Next up is?..?
?ME! ME! ME! ME!? Bryan yelled.
?Sit down please, Bryan.?
Bryan obeyed.
?Right. Bryan, truth or dare??
?Truth.? Bryan smirked.
?Okay, Bryan, is it true that you told Angela Lansbury that you thought she and Louis Walsh are a match made in heaven?? Xena asked.
?Yeh totally!!!!? said Bryan nodding his head enthusiastically. ?One?s grumpier than the other! Did you know that wet rag gave me zero points for my ultra funky silver thong?!? What a stick-in-the-mud, that old hag!?
?Hey!!! Don?t you talk about Mrs. Lansbury like that, you fatso!? Britney stamped her foot in defence of her idol.
?Enough,? Xena yelled, holding up her hand. ?Bryan, I wish I cared about Mrs. Lansbury?s marking scheme, but I don?t! Now moving on??
Xena picked up the next Q-card. Next in line is Christina. Christina rolled her eyes.
?Okay Ms. Nose-in-the-air, truth or dare??
?Truth.? Christina snorted and looked at her ruined manicure.
?Right?. Christina, is it true that you kiss Mark goodnight every night after you make sure he?s fast asleep?? Xena giggled.
Christina?s face turned black. ? Who told you that?!?!? she screamed. Mark started to get excited.
?Just answer the question!!!? Xena shouted impatiently.
?Well, I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it might excite a certain bisexual present here!!!!!!? Christina screeched and stormed back to her seat.
?Bless you! You?re out! Next up is J. Lo. ?Truth or dare?? Xena asked J. Lo.
?Dare?. J. Lo said.
?Okay, I dare you to wear this!? said Xena handing the J. Lo an oversized T-shirt that read ?Hey Nicky?Come do the birdie dance with me?.
J. Lo glared at it. ? Not even if my life depended on it!?
?Thank you?and out you go!? Xena said and threw away her card. ?Moving on?we have Mark up next?.
?Ahhhh finally!!!!? Mark grinned and batted his eyes, which was coated with heavy layers of mascara.
?Truth or Dare Mark??
?Truth, please? Mark giggled.
?Okay?Mark, is it true that you have eye shadow of every color under the sun? But before you answer that question, I need to ask you if there is something wrong with your eyes because it looks like you?re trying to be a raccoon for Halloween or something!? Xena peered closely at Mark?s made up eyes.
?Oh yeah!!!? Mark nodded his head enthusiastically. ?And yes, I do have every colour and I am damn proud of that!?
?What?!?!? Christina howled. ?And you never told me??
?Calm down, honeybuns! Once we?re outta here, we can elope off to some place where nobody speaks English and put on eye shadow all day long!? Mark reassured his secret lover.
?Awww, Bi Feehily!!! You?re the best!? Christina cooed and twirled her maggot-infected hair.
?So are you, Maggot Ho!? Mark blew a kiss back at her.
Xena rolled her eyes. ? That Jeff loser had better be out of that hospital soon. I have a good mind to zip them up in a tent with Jingle Ball.? She muttered and picked up another card.
?Okay, next in line is Nicky.? Xena said. She looked up to find a trembling Nicky.
?Truth or Dare, dear?? Xena sucked her finger seductively.
?D-d-dare, please m-m-ma?am? Nicky stuttered, keeping his eyes on the ground.
?Okay?Nicky, I dare?.? But Xena never got to complete her sentence as her eyes closed in for an explosive sneeze.
?AAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!? Xena blasted out a huge sneeze, which made Bryan fall off his seat and roll backwards in the sand.
Nicky let out a frightened yelp and clucked off like a terrified chicken.
?Where did he go now?? Xena looked around as if nothing had happened.
Nobody bothered answering. Xena sighed and threw away his card. ?One nutcase less to deal with.? She turned her attention to the contestants.
?Okay now at the end of the game, this leaves us with two still very eligible contestants Mark and Bryan. This is what we call, the tiebreaker situation. I?ll ask you both one childishly simple question and the one with the right answer gets this unspeakably sick Elton John idol.?
?Right!? Mark and Bryan chorused.
?Okay here?s the question: Which one of these was a Britney hit? Is it: a) Oops? I did it again? b) Oops? My pet worms vomited in the refrigerator again? Or is it c) Oops... I?m out of eye shadow again??
?OOPS?I?M OUT OF EYESHADOW AGAIN!!!!!?, yelled Mark, on the verge of exploding with excitement.
?No it isn?t, you duffer!!! It?s oops?I did it again! Kerry sings it all the time to kill the cockroaches in our bathroom.? Bryan rolled his eyes at Mark.
?Congratulations Bryan!!! You?re the winner of today?s immunity challenge!!!?
Xena said as she handed him the immunity idol.
?Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! I win!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Bryan shouted, chewing at the idol.
?Thank God this is over!!!? Xena sighed. ?Alright people!? She said. ?What I want you to do now is organize yourselves into a search party and find the gay! Right now! On the double!?

***** Tribal Council *****

?Alright Survivors! Voting time again!!? Xena announced after the search party returned. Apparently Nicky was found, still procrastinating in ?the hole?. And no amount of spanks, threats or common sense would get him out. The Survivors ultimately surrendered to defeat and returned for the tribal council.
?I want you dumb popstars to make the right choice now! We?ll begin with Britney.? Xena shot a look at Britney and pointed her into the direction of the voting booth.

***** Voting Booth speeches *****

Britney: ?I want Prissy Chrissy OUT!!! She?s such a slut wannbe. Not to mention very rude to poor Mark. And she?s so smelly that my hair turns green when she?s near!!!?

Bryan: ?I hate to say this, but I?ll have to go for Shane?s Chyna-bitten, chickenish lover. I mean, he?s so whinny! It?s all Shane?s fault! I told him a gazillion-and-one time not to spoil the poor wretch but?. (sighs heavily) Nicky, I love you man, I mean?woman, but you have to go?

Mark: ?I NEED TO USE ?THE HOLE?!!! LIKE?RIGHT NOW!!! NICKY, GO ROT IN ANOTHER HOLE!!!!!!!?

Christina: ?Two words?Slut Spears. The sight of the freak makes me choke on my vomit!!!?

J.Lo: ?Good God!!! I?m going in for Mark this time! The bisexual retard scared the pee out of me last night when he appeared in blinding pink eye shadow!!! He?s worse than P. Diddy when, P. Duddy as I call him now, blamed me for the whole shooting situation.?

Nicky: Nil (still absconding in ?the hole?)

***** Back to Tribal Council *****

?Okay?the votes have been counted. Now lets see who?s the next stupid celebrity to be kicked out? Xena opened the top of the voting booth jar and started to read the votes quickly.
?Has the bitch gotten voted off yet?? Christina shouted impatiently.
?Who? Me?? J. Lo cocked her head.
Christina glared at J. Lo. ?No!!!! Not you, you skank! I?m talking about the so-called virgin whose shit stinks worse than Nicky!?
?Hey!? Britney protested. ?Can I help it if I have a bladder problem??
?Alright? we have two votes for Nicky. And one vote each for Britney, Mark and Christina. That means Nicky is the next person to be voted off the island! Where?s the poor wretch anyway?? Xena interrupted the war between the three divas.
The votes were read so quickly that Bryan hadn?t had the chance to process them in his head. Xena showed Bryan the votes and Bryan took a bit of time to read them.
?No problem!!! I?ll tell him? Bryan said enthusiastically and scampered off.
?Alright, you lost cause celebrities!!! I?m outta here!!! Jeff will be here for your next immunity challenge! I can?t say its been fun because it hasn?t! In any case?Ta ta survivors!?
With that Xena picked up Jingle Ball, her prized skunk and swung through the trees, letting out a deafening Tarzan yell, never to be seen again, except of course on these slutty episodes of Xena the Warrior Princess.