“Of course I’m here, where else would I be?”
“I’m bored.”
“Then mix some wax or twang your tinnitus.”
“I’ve done that. I’m still bored.”
Right Ear tutted. Why did it have to share a face with such an idiotic ear.
“I’m worried,” Left Ear said.
“What about?”
“The disco tonight.”
“Oh no! It’s not tonight, is it?”
“Yeah, I heard Mouth talking about it before Body went to sleep.”
Right Ear signed heavily. “I hate disco’s.”
“Yeah, and me. All that noise hurts my eardrums.”
“We’ll be deaf for days, and that head-banging plays havoc with my cochlea.”
The ears sulked.
“Perhaps we can get brain to close down a few memory cells so Body forgets to go,” Left Ear suggested.
“Brain isn’t allowed to do that, is it?”
“Brain forgets things all the time.”
“That’s true. I’ll ask it.”
Right Ear shouted down its sensory nerves. “Brain! You there? Wake up!”
“What do you want?” a deep voice mumbled.
“We want to ask you something.”
“I’m resting. Leave me alone until Body wakes up.”
“It’s important.”
“Okay, okay, make it snappy.”
“Body’s going to the disco tonight, and we were wondering – “
“Not the disco again,” Brain wailed. “All that noise, Body shaking me around in its skull, headache all the next day. Oh dear.”
“Exactly. Could you make Body forget to go?”
Brain paused. “Can’t seem to find the appropriate memory cells … Wait! What’s this? Oh, its only a reminder for a football match I forgot about.”
“Hurry up,” Right Ear hissed, “Body will be awake in a minute.”
“What a mess in here,” Brain mumbled. “Must do something about that disued intelligence, its blocking the electrical system. No, sorry, can’t seem to locate a memory cell with DISCO written on it.”
“Maybe you’ve already lost it?” Right Ear enthused, hopefully.
“No,” Brain said. “Its probably in that huge pile of data over in the corner, but there’s too much to search through.”
“You have to do something, Brain.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, you’re supposed to be the brain around here. How about a headache?”
“No way!” Brain cried. “It’s bad enough cooped up in here without having swollen blood vessels cluttering up what little space I have.”
“But if Body goes to the disco, you’ll get a headache anyway.”
“I won’t do it,” Brain said. “A naturally induced headache is one thin, but deliberately inflicting pain on myself is too masochistic for my taste.”
“You don’t have any taste,” Left Ear blurted.
“I was talking figuratively!”
“How about asking Nose to sneeze a few times?” Right Ear suggested. “Body wont’ go if it thinks its ill.”
“Nose is too snotty to associate with us common body bits,” Brain told it.
“What about mouth? He can combine forces with you, Brain, and make Body say it won’t be going to the disco after all.”
“Hey, Mouth!” Left Ear shouted. “You down there?”
“No,” came a gruff voice, “I just nipped out to grab a bite to eat, you fool!”
“Body’s going the disco tonight.”
“I know! I was the one who told you, remember?”
“Any chance of you stopping it?”
“Sure,” Mouth scoffed, “I’ll just fall off its face and insist it stay at home to take care of me, shall I?”
“Very funny! Can’t you help at all?”
“I would if I could, but I can’t, so I won’t. I detest those foreign lips slobbering all over mine at the disco, but there’s nothing I can do about it.!
“What about a bit of toothache?”
“Teeth aren’t my department,” Mouth hissed. “Now go away before Body notices its talking in its sleep.”
“What are we going to do then?” Left ear asked Right Ear.
“I don’t … Wait a minute! I have an idea.”
“I’m the one who’s supposed to have ideas!” Brain whined.
“Well you’re not doing a terribly good job of it so far, are you! You can help though.”
“Help do what? I’m not communicating with Eyeballs, if that’s what you mean. We’re not on speaking terms because they send all their optical pictures to me upsidedown and I have to straighten them out again, takes flipping ages!”
“No, I want you to ask Stomach if it will beat Spleen up, or pressurise Abdomen into producing some painful indigestion.”
Silence.
“Stomache refuses,” Brain finally said. “It says if it moves too much, Appendix started grumbling and it doesn’t get on very well with Appendix. How about if I ask Bowel to – “
“No way!” screeched Nose. “I can’t stand the smell! It gets right up my nose!”
“How about enlisting Heart’s help,” Left ear suggested. “He’s a reliable sort of chap. He might agree to clog up an artery or two.”
“A coronary attack seems a little drastic,” Right Ear drawled. “You’ll be suggesting that Spine tosses a few disks next.”
“That’s it then,” Brain sighed wearily. “You two better stock up on ear plugs, we’re in for a rough time tonight.”
