MAN #1; ... prices are rising on the stock market even as we speak ...
MAN #2; ... regularly play golf with Prince Andrew, but his game really isn't up to par ...
MRS GOSPORT; ... The Duchess of Kent said to me only the other day that she wouldn't know what to do without my invaluable advice.
GEORGE (DROLL, TO HIMSELF); God, this is boring. All these dinner parties are boring. I don't know why I got nagged into coming in the first place. Working my guts out all day, then spending my evenings with this boring lot when I should be relaxing. But will Clarice let me relax? Even for a minute? (SIGH).
CLARICE; ... simply marvellous cutlery, Mrs Gosport. And such lovely plates, too.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Threatened to make my life a living hell if I didn't come. Not that she doesn't already with that voice of hers, like nails down a blackboard (MIMICKING) George do this, George do that. Day in and day out. Just listen to her.
CLARICE; ... I adore your crystal, Mrs Gosport. I was thinking of getting some glasses just like it myself.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Voice sharp enough to cut them herself.
CLARICE; ... absolutely gorgeous gardens, Mrs Gosport. You must have an entire battalion of gardeners working on them day and night.
GEORGE (HEAVY SIGH); Oh why doesn't she just shut up. Why can't she keep her mouth closed for just five seconds and give us - give me - a bit of peace?
(SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)
BEATRICE (HUSKY VOICE); Darlings! So sorry I'm late.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Beatrice! SOUND OF HEARTBEAT STARTING. I didn't know Beatrice was coming. Oh, she's never looked more gorgeous
(SOUND HIGH HEELS ECHOING QUICKLY ACROSS ROOM, GETTING CLOSER)
BEATRICE; Got caught up in traffic, I'm afraid.
MRS GOSPORT; Sit down and I'll get the servants to bring you your first course. Lionel isn't with you?
(SCRAPE OF WOODEN CHAIR ECHOING AROUND ROOM)
BEATRICE (ICILY); No. He's on another business trip. With his new secretary.
MRS GOSPORT; Oh dear, such a pity. And I wanted to talk to him about my investments, too. (TO SOMEONE ELSE) Now, where was I ... ?
(OTHER VOICES FADE INTO BACKGROUND)
BEATRICE; Hello, George. How are you?
GEORGE (HEARTBEAT POUNDING); I'm ... I'm fine. And you?
BEATRICE; Oh, okay, I guess. Bloody husband's driving me nuts, though.
GEORGE; You should leave the old sod and run away with me.
BEATRICE (LAUGHING); Don't tempt me, George.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Tempt her! Oh, I wish! I should say something, now, while she's still looking at me with those wonderful come-to-bed eyes. I should OUCH!.
CLARICE; You're being very rude, George. Mrs Gosport just asked you a question.
GEORGE (HISSING FURIOUSLY); There's no need to jab me in the ankles with your bloody great feet, is there?
MRS GOSPORT; I was just asking where you were planning to holiday this year, George.
GEORGE; I ... I don't know. Hadn't really thought -
CLARICE; We're considering buying a place in the South of France, actually. Weren't we, George.
GEORGE; Were we? OUCH!
MRS GOSPORT; We have a chateau in the South of France. We have homes in nearly all the best places in the world.
CLARICE; Oh, have you? We were thinking of buying a couple of chateaux ourselves ... (FADE OUT)
BEATRICE; I love the South of France, George.
GEORGE; Do you?
BEATRICE; Antibes.
GEORGE; Cannes.
BEATRICE; Wonderful.
GEORGE; Beautiful.
BEATRICE; All those sun-kissed beaches.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Where you and I could run naked through the surf, together, just the two of us, all alone.
BEATRICE (SEDUCTIVELY); Perhaps I can come and visit you when you find a place.
GEORGE; You are more than welcome to visit at any time, Beatrice. (WHISPERING) Although my wife probably won't be around a lot of the time.
CLARICE; What was that, George?
GEORGE; Nothing, dear. I was just telling Beatrice how much you love to shop.
CLARICE; Oh yes, absolutely adore it. And you can't beat France for designer clothes. I say, Mrs Gosport, have you been in that simply marvellous little salon in Paris ... ? (FADE OUT)
GEORGE; No, my wife will hardly be there at all.
BEATRICE; Perfect. Then we'll be alone.
(SOUND OF HEARTBEAT GETTING LOUDER)
GEORGE; I'm sure we could find lots of things to do to keep ourselves occupied. (TO HIMSELF) I can certainly think of lots of things I'd like to do, especially to you, light of my life.
(HEARTBEAT GETTING FASTER)
CLARICE; George, Mrs Gosport says buying property abroad is a terribly good investment at the moment.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Long, lingering kisses. Hands exploring each others bodies. Writhing naked together with those voluptuous breasts -
CLARICE; George, Mrs Gosport thinks somewhere other than the South of France would be better.
GEORGE; No, no, I have my heart set on France, and France it will be. (TO HIMSELF) - make mad passionate love in the sand dunes as the sun gently sets on the horizon, casting a deliciously rosy glow over our glistening wet bodies. Oh yes. Oh yes.
(SOUND OF HEARTBEAT POUNDING )
BEATRICE; George, are you alright? You look a bit ... hot.
GEORGE; I am.
BEATRICE; Actually, you don't look well at all. Are you sure - ?
GEORGE; Oh God!
CLARICE; George? You've gone a very funny colour. Did the prawns not agree with you? (TO EVERYONE) George has such a delicate stomach, I'm afraid. Vomits at the slightest whiff of seafood.
GEORGE; I think ... (SOUND OF A CHAIR SCRAPING) ... I'm having ... (CHAIR FALLING BACK ONTO FLOOR) ... a heart attack. (DULL THUD ON FLOOR.)
CLARICE (SCREAMING); George! George! What are you doing? This is no way to behave at a dinner party.
GEORGE (GASPING); Call ... an ... ambulance.
BEATRICE (SCREAMING); Someone call an ambulance!
CLARICE; George! Get up this instance. You're embarrassing me.
GEORGE (TO HIMSELF); Goodbye Beatrice, my beautiful Beatrice. Goodbye cruel world.
(HEARTBEAT STOPS. SOUNDS OF HYSTERIA. WOMEN SCREAMING. MEN SHOUTING ORDERS.
FADE OUT.
SILENCE
FADE INTO SOUND OF TINKLING, MYSTICAL MUSIC. VERY CALM, VERY PEACEFUL.)
GEORGE; Oh the light, the light! It's beautiful. It's -
(PINGING SOUND)
GEORGE; Gone!
ETHEREAL VOICE; Bugger!
GEORGE; Er, hello? (PAUSE) Hello? Is anyone there?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Be with you in a sec, old chap.
GEORGE; What's happening?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Lightbulb's gone, I'm afraid. It's always doing that. They don't make them like they used to. Oh, how I long for the days when a lightbulb would last fifteen, sometimes twenty decades. But not any more. (HEAVY SIGH)
GEORGE; Where ... Where am I?
ETHEREAL VOICE; The midway area. You know, the bit between heaven and (WHISPERS) the other place. Doesn't look much like it at the moment, does it.
GEORGE; I don't know. How is it supposed to look?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh, it's gorgeous, simply devine. Lots of pastel colours wafting through the atmosphere, lots of angels singing and playing harps as they float by wearing hardly any clothes, and exquisite little silver things that give you a real high when you stroke them.
GEORGE; Just my luck to miss it.
ETHEREAL VOICE; Yes, it is. Just a second, let me see if I can find out what the problem is. (SHOUTING) Hey, God. What happened to the power? (PAUSE) What? (PAUSE). I know religious faith has declined in the modern world, but surely there's enough power to light a bulb? (PAUSE). Well can't you perform a miracle or something? (TUTS) (TO GEORGE). I'm afraid it might take God a little while to muster up the energy to get the lights going again.
GEORGE; So what do I do? Just drift aimlessly in the dark?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I suppose it is a bit boring. (PAUSE). Listen, George, old chap, I'm not supposed to do this until later, when you've been properly booked in, but you can have your life-flash now, if you like. Just to pass the time.
GEORGE; I'm not sure -
(FAST SOUND OF PEOPLE TALKING INCOHERENTLY (like audio tape on fast-forward). DISTINCT VOICES OF PEOPLE ARGUING.)
FEMALE VOICE #1; I've had enough, I'm leaving
MALE VOICE #1; Good. And take George with you.
FEMALE VOICE #1; I don't want him, you have him
MALE VOICE #1; I'm not looking after him, you're his mother.
FEMALE VOICE #1; And you're his father.
MALE VOICE #1; Ha! That's debatable. (FADE OUT)
(FAST VOICES AGAIN)
FEMALE VOICE #2; You behave yourself, lad, do you hear me? You're only staying here until that worthless daughter of mine gets back. (LONG PAUSE) If she ever gets back.
CLARICE'S VOICE; George, I think I'm pregnant. Whoops, my mistake, but you were going to marry me anyway, weren't you, George? George, give me ... George, I want ... George, I must have ... (FADE).
(SUDDEN SILENCE EXCEPT FOR TINKLING, MYSTICAL MUSIC)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh. That wasn't very interesting, was it?
GEORGE; My life hasn't been very interesting. In fact, after seeing it again, I feel very depressed.
ETHEREAL VOICE; Never mind. Maybe you'll do better next time. Oh, here's God now. (PAUSE). What? The main fuse has blown? (PAUSE). Bugger! (TO GEORGE) I'm afraid this might take a little longer than -
FEMALE VOICE #3; (FAR OFF/ECHOING): Hello? Hello? Is there anybody there?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh dear. Sorry about this, George. I won't keep you a moment. (SUDDENLY SHOUTING) Yes? What do you want?
FEMALE VOICE #3; This is Mystic Mandy from Melton Mowbray. Hello? Can you hear me?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Yes, we can hear you perfectly well, but do hurry and get to the point, we're awfully busy up here at the moment.
FEMALE VOICE #3 (SPEAKING VERY SLOWLY); I wish to speak to Harry Fellows.
ETHEREAL VOICE (TO GEORGE); This is always happening. The poor souls don't have a chance to get where they're going before the live ones come chasing after them. (SHOUTING) Harry? Harry Fellows? You still here?
DISTANT VOICE #1; He's in the shower.
ETHEREAL VOICE; Well tell him to hurry up, we've got a clairvoyant waiting to speak to him.
DISTANT VOICE #1 (SHOUTING); Harry. Harry. Hurry up, Harry.
DISTANT VOICE #2; Coming!
(SOUND OF WET FEET SPLATTING BY, TELEPHONE RECEIVER PICKED UP)
DISTANT VOICE #2; Hello?
ETHEREAL VOICE; There. Another satisfied soul. We try our best to -
(SOUND OF MANY SCREAMS GETTING CLOSER)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Uh-oh.
GEORGE; What's that?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Must be the rush hour. Already. And I haven't had my break yet.
(SOUND OF MANY HEAVY THUMPS LANDING, VOICES MUMBLING FRANTICALLY TO EACH OTHER)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Okay, souls. Don't panic. You're just dead, that's all. Nothing to get excited about.
CROWD VOICES (FRANTICALLY); Dead!
Oh my God!
And I left a roast in the oven!
Is Elvis here?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I know it's dark, but if you keep to your left and float straight ahead, you'll be fine.
(BUMPING, GASPING, TRIPPING SOUNDS)
CROWD VOICES; Oh, excuse me.
I do apologise.
So sorry, was that your foot I stepped on?
No. I don't appear to have a foot. No feet at all. In fact, no body
ETHEREAL VOICE; That's it, straight ahead, turn left. No, Mrs Carruthers, you can't go back and tell your husband what you think of him, you've had thirty-five years to do that. Please put your cigarette out, Mr Harrison, this is a no smoking area. And Mr Hicken, you needn't drag that huge amount of cash around with you, it's of no use to you here.
(MUMBLING CROWD START TO FADE AWAY)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Er, not you, Mr Smith. You don't go with them.
MR SMITH (WITH ATTITUDE); Why not?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Well, it seems you've been a bit of a naughty boy.
MR SMITH; Says who?
ETHEREAL VOICE; God, actually.
MR SMITH; What's he been saying, then?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh, he mentioned something about joy riding, petty crime, loud parties every night that drove your neighbours insane, and a sordid little affair with your best friend's wife. All sins, Mr Smith. You're booked into The Other Place.
MR SMITH; You must be joking!
ETHEREAL VOICE; We don't joke about such things here, Mr Smith.
(SOUND OF LIFT RISING AND DOORS OPENING)
BEELZEBUB; I believe you have someone for me?
MR SMITH (PANICKING); No! No! I didn't mean it. None of it. Oh please, have pity, I don't want to go, don't make me go
BEELZEBUB; Come, come, now. It's not as bad as all that. Where you're going is just like a school where we teach you the error of your ways. You have classes to learn to love your fellow man, as well as courses in compassion, empathy and how to make people like you. We even award diploma's.
MR SMITH; It's not all fire and brimstone and an eternity of agonising torment then?
BEELZEBUB (LAUGHING); No, no. (LONG PAUSE) Not all the time.
(SOUND OF DOORS SHUTTING AND LIFT GOING DOWN)
(SILENCE, EXCEPT FOR TINKLING MUSIC)
GEORGE; Er, hello?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I haven't forgotten you, George. Just taking a breather. Never rains but pours, does it. Now, where were we?
GEORGE; I was floating aimlessly in the dark, and you were telling me to wait until the light came back on. How come those other people -
ETHEREAL VOICE; Souls, George. They're not people any more, they're souls.
GEORGE; How come those other souls didn't have to wait?
ETHEREAL VOICE; They had reservations.
GEORGE (ASTONISHED); You can make reservations?
ETHEREAL VOICE; You can if you go to church every week. Did you go to church every week, George?
GEORGE; Er, no, as a matter of fact I didn't.
ETHEREAL VOICE; There you are then. And, of course, we were expecting them. Last rites on deathbeds is such a blessing, but sudden deaths create a problem for our admin department. We simply don't know when you're going to turn up.
GEORGE; Will I have to wait much longer, do you think?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Hard to tell, really. I could let you in without the light, but God likes to greet all his churchless souls personally, just to introduce himself and give you a bit of a telling off for having no faith.
GEORGE; Couldn't you just slip me passed? I could meet God later. Over a pint, perhaps (LAUGHS)
ETHEREAL VOICE; God's a teetotaller, George. And besides, I can't let you in without a confession, and that last lot have taken up all the confession booths.
GEORGE; How long will they be?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Well, Mrs Carruthers has led a very colourful life, so she might be a while. And (WHISPERING) strictly between me and you, there's a couple of others who will soon be joining Mr Smith, which is going to come as a bit of a shock to them, I can tell you.
GEORGE; Where ... Where will I be going?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I'm not at liberty to tell you that, George.
GEORGE; Oh. So I just wait, then?
ETHEREAL VOICE; 'Fraid so. (PAUSE). I could, perhaps, see if there's been a cancellation? We get them sometimes. Medical science is marvellous these days, isn't it. We just catch a brief glimpse of recently departed souls before they're dragged back to their bodies and brought back to life. Here's one now.
RECENTLY DEPARTED SOUL; UMPH! Where - ARGH! (FADES)
ETHEREAL VOICE; See?
GEORGE; No, actually I didn't. It's too dark. Did he have a reservation?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I'm not sure. Let me just consult the guest book. If I can find it. (FUMBLING AROUND). Where is the damn - oops, sorry God - where is it? No. It's no good. I can't see a thing. (SHOUTING). Hey! Has anyone got a light back there?
(SOUND OF MATCH STRIKING)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh, thanks Nero. Now let me see.
(SOUND OF PAGES BEING TURNED)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Oh dear. According to my bookings sheet, we already have far too many souls overloading the system at the moment and, since we work on a first come first served basis, we're going to have to send you back.
GEORGE; Back? Back where?
ETHEREAL VOICE; To your body, of course. Just until we clear the backlog.
GEORGE; How long will that take?
(SOUND OF PAGES BEING TURNED)
ETHEREAL VOICE; Well, we've got a major traffic accident coming in next month, and there's a really bad soul due in September - it'll take a few angels to restrain that one I shouldn't wonder. At a rough guess, I'd say we can fit you in about six ... no, wait ... seven years.
GEORGE; Seven years! Oh God.
ETHEREAL VOICE (WHISPERING); God doesn't like souls to take his name in vain, George.
GEORGE; Oh. Sorry. It's just (SIGHING HEAVILY) ... seven more years with Clarice.
ETHEREAL VOICE; Not an appealing prospect, I must say. Why don't you trade her in for something a bit better?
GEORGE; I wish I could.
ETHEREAL VOICE; What's stopping you?
GEORGE; Well, there's ... and I can't just ... I mean, I wouldn't -
ETHEREAL VOICE; Go on! Live it up a little. Go mad. Go wild. You've only got seven more years to live, you might as well make the most of it.
GEORGE; But what about when I come back here? Will leaving my wife and selling my business to buy a place in the South of France with the woman I love go against me?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Good grief, no. Being happy isn't a sin, you know.
GEORGE; Isn't it?
ETHEREAL VOICE; No. (WHISPERING) In fact, I shouldn't tell you this but, when you do come back, you'll be going to the heavenly sector.
GEORGE; I will? Why? What did I do?
ETHEREAL VOICE; Well, nothing, as it happens. But you've lived such a miserable little life God took pity on you and said you ought to have something to look forward to.
GEORGE; Makes me sound rather pathetic, doesn't it.
ETHEREAL VOICE; That's not for me to say, George.
GEORGE; Oh. Right. So, when do I go back to my body, then?
ETHEREAL VOICE; I could put you on the waiting list for a stand-by place if you'd prefer?
GEORGE; No, that's okay. I'd like to take a second shot at this living thing, if you don't mind.
ETHEREAL VOICE; No, no, I don't mind at all. Wish you the best of luck, in fact. Okay then (COUGHING AND SOUNDING EFFICIENT) God apologises for any inconvenience caused, and wishes you a safe journey back ... (ECHOING AND FADING) safe journey back ... safe journey ...
(NOISES LIKE FIREWORKS GOING OFF AND ANGELS SINGING MANIACALLY)
(HUMAN VOICES FADE IN)
CLARICE (SHOUTING); George! George! Wake up, George. You have to tell me where the insurance policies are.
GEORGE (TAKING A DEEP BREATH); I'm alive!
CLARICE; You'd better tell me where they are, just in case.
GEORGE; I can't believe it! I'm alive! I've been given a second chance!
CLARICE (HYSTERICALLY); Just tell me where they are!
GEORGE (GASPING AS HE GETS TO HIS FEET); Clarice, I'm tired of your screeching voice, and I'm tired of my miserable little life. Even God feels sorry for me, but no more. No. From now on I'm a new man and I do what I like. Happiness isn't a sin, you know.
CLARICE; Sit down, George. You must be delirious.
GEORGE; Never felt better. Better than better, in fact. I feel bloody marvellous. Rejuvenated. Absolved. Clarice, I want a divorce.
CLARICE; What? You don't mean that. What are you saying?
GEORGE; I'm saying I can't stand the sight of you. You've made my life hell, and believe me, I know what hell is like and its a sight better than being married to you. I have seven years left to live, and I'm going to make sure I enjoy every minute of it. Beatrice.
BEATRICE; Yes, George.
GEORGE; I've loved you from the first moment I saw you. I promise I will never cheat on you with my secretary, and I'll do everything in my power to make you the happiest woman on the planet. Beatrice, will you come away with me and live on some sun-kissed beach in the south of France where we'll make mad passionate love until the day I die?
BEATRICE (EXCITEDLY); Yes, George. I will.
CLARICE (FURIOUS); George!
GEORGE; Shut up, Clarice.
(SOUND OF CLARICE FAINTING DRAMATICALLY AND FALLING TO THE FLOOR) (BACKGROUND NOISE OF AMBULANCE SIRENS GETTING CLOSER)
GEORGE; Beatrice, shall we go?
BEATRICE; Yes, George.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC. FADE OUT)
