"Oh blast!"
"What now?"
"I've lost it."
"Lost what?"
"The planet."
"How can you lose a planet?"
"Well, you just turn this little switch here and – "
The Captain stormed over to the control panels and randomly pressed a few buttons. Someone shouted, "No Captain!" but it was too late, the entire contents of Cargo Hold 6 had been catapulted into space, including the Federation cat.
Captain Piqued huffed and threw his arms behind his back in what he hoped was a stance of supreme authority, but which looked more like a case of severe constipation. "Find that planet, Lou Tennant."
A search was made. A few crew members even looked in their cabin quarters, but nothing was found.
"Okay," the Captain finally ordered, "Let's find another one."
"Which one?"
"Any one? Just find a planet we can orbit around."
They viewed several potential orbs before finding one they liked that didn't clash with the ship's colour scheme. They whizzed round it a few times and got very dizzy.
"This is boring," Officer Ooh Hooroo sighed, twiddling the knobs on her inter-gallactic transistor set until she found Radio One. "Can't we go and blow up a few Holdall vessels or something?"
"Klingon," someone corrected.
"Cling on to what?"
A message came through from Federation Read Quarters. It was accidentally broadcast throughout the entire ship.
"Piquie," cried a squeaky voice, and the Captain visibly blanched. "Piquie, its me, your little bobble-bums."
"Mildred!" he growled. "I've asked you not to call me at work."
"I know, sugar, but I wanted to know what time you'd be home. I've making a special meal and I don't want it spoilt. I've missed you, di-dums."
"For goodness sakes, woman. I've only been gone an hour."
Ooh Hooroo wisely cut the transmission and left communications off the hook. She missed the call that could have won her $10,000,000,000,000.35 on the state lottery in Illinois, and ran up a bill so high she had to abscond to the outer regions of the universe to avoid the bailiffs.
"Dater," the Captain said.
"Okay, sir," Dater said, and approached a rather good looking female from the planet Alfalfa. "Would you like to go out with me tonight?"
"Yes," she said, and they both left the bridge arm in arm.
The Captain sighed heavily. "Stryker."
Commander Stryker immediately rushed across and struck a Zorgonoid across both faces, two kneecaps and a protruding bellybutton. The Zorgonoid struck back. A ferocious brawl ensued which eventually had to be broken up with the aid of a bucket of ice cold water.
"Cap'n," said Tchekovskyronskowich. "We're ennering ... The Twilight Zone."
"Ennering!" the Captain yelled, jumping up from his seat in a state of intense annoyance. "Ennering! Can't you people speak proper English. I'm a Shakespearean actor, for god's sake."
His face went pink, then red, then a kind of purplish blue colour. His blood pressure was in danger of exploding his head. Doctor Skeleton rattled in and injected him in the arm.
"Hey, man," drawled the Captain as he slithered back into his chair. "Peace and flower power to all men."
"Whoops!" said Doctor Skeleton, looking sheepishly at his syringe.
There was a bit of excitement down on deck nine just then. Officer Blagh had been attacked over by an out-of-control Doomed Buggy that wasn't happy with its engine oil.
Everyone on the bridge watched as thirteen extra's from the Just Wander Around The Corridors And Look Efficient Department cornered the renegade machine in the Transporter room.
"What'll we do with it, Cap'n?" one asked.
The Captain hiccupped, rolled his eyes, smiled deliriously, and gave the thumbs down. The Doomed Buggy was put out of its misery with a quick twist to its propeller shaft.
After that, nothing much happened. They sped through a few Rowntree galaxies and tested the lazy beams on some stray Comet superstores. Then the crew of the Starship Enterprise Allowance Scheme sat around and sighed a lot until it was time to go home.
Dead on 5 o'clock, Stuart Macdonald-MacEwan slammed on the brakes in the engine room. The whole crew were thrown against the far wall. Macdonald-MacEwan put the engines into warp drive and everyone was flattened against the back wall.
The chief engineer rubbed his hands together gleefully and ham-acted his next scene with relish.
"The dilithium crystals are drained out, Captain!" he screamed.
"Then fire your phaser at them, Paddy."
"Will it work?" he howled.
"Same shit worked last week."
Macdonald-MacEwan tried it. It worked. But he pretended it didn't so held have more screen time. "It's no good," he squealed. "They're burning up."
"So switch to the back-up system."
The chief engineer ran to a cupboard and pulled at a boat motor for a while. "It's no good," he cried. "These things never work when you need 'em. It's gonna blow. The Enterprise will be blasted to the four corners of space – "
"Okay, Paddy, that's enough of the Crisis Situation scene. Plug the mains back in and let's get going."
Macdonald-MacEwan refitted the long-life battery, pulled out the choke and turned the ignition key. Then he sat down in a flower printed armchair with his foot down on the accelerator and continued with his Sunday crossword.
Up on deck, the Captain watched the familiar solar system come into view on the big Technicolor Stereo screen. "Watch Pluto, End-sign Gnasher."
“Yes, Captain, but I much prefer Donald Duck."
They managed to scrape past the outermost planet, narrowly missed Neptune, completely disrupted Uranus's orbit, and smashed through Saturn's rings. They were on a collision course with Jupiter.
"If you could just steer a little to the left, End-sign. That's it. Just a little more."
Jupiter flashed by and scraped the paintwork off the starboard side. Mars loomed ahead.
"Whoops!" Lou Tennant gasped, pulling back the throttle. "I don't think we're going to make it, sir."
All heads turned when the Captain uttered a rude ward. Then the ship shook and shuddered and ... and ... shimmied from side to side. The crew members buffeted from one side of the bridge to the other, dramatically threw themselves to the floor and rolled around a bit.
"There's no need for that," the Captain said. "We've had a new hydraulic suspension fitted."
Everyone brushed themselves off, just in time for the crash landing.
"Status report?" asked the Captain.
Mister Spot swivelled round in his chair and said, "Bachelor. Vulcan. 36. Black hair. Brown eyes – "
"Any damage?" he tried again.
"YES!" screamed Ooh Hooroo, "I've broke my best nail, Goddamn it."
Green Martians peered in through the portholes. Underneath, a few more had jacked the ship onto bricks and were making off with the Dunlops.
"May I suggest, Captain," said Dater, "that, as we may be stranded here for quite some time, we organise a landing party."
"Yeah, a party!" someone cheered.
"What for?" asked the Captain.
"To gather emergency provisions."
"Make it so."
"I'll have a Mars bar," Lou Tennant said, reaching into his skin-tight trouser pockets for some money.
"Make nine a Mars choc ice," said Ooh Hooroo.
Mister Spot jumped up and down waving his hands in the air and cried, "I want a Mars milkshake."
Captain Piqued settled back in his chair, sighed, and said, "Get me a newspaper while you're at it. Better check the T.V Guide to see what time we're off the air."
"In ten seconds, precisely," said Dater.
"Ten seconds before the credits!" cried Ooh Hooroo, snatching up a hand-mirror and dabbing at her hair. "I can't let my fans see me like this."
"Nine.
Commander Stryker slicked back his immaculate hair.
“Eight."
Lou Tennant applied some Mega Matt makeup to his shiny nose.
"Seven."
Tchekovskyronskowich frantically swigged from a bottle of vodka.
"Six."
The Captain briskly polished his gleaming dome with a duster.
"Five."
Dater cranked up his mobile motor muscles and made sure his head was screwed on tight.
"Four."
Doctor Skeleton poised a hypodermic needle over his arm.
"Three."
End-sign Gnasher clung to his teddy bear.
"Two. "
The unknown bloke who was supposed to be killed by an alien entity this episode but had missed his cue, straightened out his uniform, confident that he would live to fight another day.
"One. And ... smile."
The entire crew of the Starship Enterprise Allowance Scheme stared directly into camera, tilted their heads cutely to one side, and smiled twelve hundred bright white American overbite smiles.
