Beware of the Monsterboy with Tan!

Below is a poem he wrote:

All mine 1999

In the red light

On the tiger skin

Over the desk

I might

Slip it in

And never want to leave

The brutal sin

So pliant and ready

Haitian, thin

Like I've come home

After a crude, savvy climb

To commit the crime

Of wanting her

All mine 1999

The Monsterboy with a Tan is a condition that men fall into when consumed by lust for a woman with which he is having regular sex. It is a monstrous condition, often accompanied by an inexplicable tan. Hence the name.

There is an old saying, that has passed down the winds of time, at least among the many surviving Trojans, that gets right to the point:

"When you go to town with tophat, monocle and tuxedo, beware of becoming a victim to the dimensions in back. For they may be too round, too taut, in short, too insanely perfect. Under these circumstance you run the risk of becoming the Monsterboy with a Tan. Behind innocence and unsuspecting giggles, we find a grotesque, drooling, toothy, hairy monster with little tact or manners. This monster hides in the bushes that line the way to town and can easily seize hold of you in this moment of weakness. His next move will be to steal your getup and go to town in your stead."

His handling of the situation from then on is always rough. She soon complains that she dislikes the demeaning sexual positions in which you've been placing her--and bids you to only have sex with her in the more conventional ways.

The Monsterboy increases at this point--and becomes transfixed with putting her in the very positions he made uncomfortable for her when he arrived.

You, see once you go Monsterboy, that girl's history. There is no way to get her back. But it doesn't matter if I tell you, you'll still try like hell anyway. And that "hopeless trying" attitude is usually the final and longest lasting stage of the Monsterboy with a Tan condition. Until now, of course.

Some prelimenary signs of the Monsterboy with a Tan are:

• Drool falling from mouth during intercourse
• growling during intercourse
• Feeling like you can't grab a particular body part hard enough during intercourse
• Obsession with a particular body-part of hers; usually ass and/or breasts
• Boredom with "making love"; you really want to fuck this girl
• Geyser-like ejaculation (called "busting a fat ass-nut")
• Skin that appears to be flushed or tan following a geyser-like ejaculation; friends accusing you of going to a tanning salon
• Repeated carnal thoughts about the woman you had sex with (this sometimes lasts years)
• Obsession with a particular pornographic position that you insist on performing with her every time you have sex (she will be as turned off by it as you are turned on)
• Sexual flashbacks in which the above position was attained along with a tremendous "nut" -- but in the flashback you always leave out the lecture you got about how she felt like a masterbation machine
• Lack of desire for any other woman but the one who turned you into Monsterboy. (Many call this "love." I assure you, it is no such thing.)
• Intense concern about her faithfulness, not because you love her but because you're deathly afraid of losing that ass; those breasts, those legs and so forth
• The idea arises that if there were some way to guarantee this woman's faithfulness and eternal love, all would be perfect
• Great interest in being fit and pretty, though you are now neither and know it. Monsterboys always purchase a gym membership the third or fourth day after they appear.
• Over-concern about what she likes about you--you want to know so that you might accentuate that part. When you think you've discovered what it is, your personality becomes a one dimensional, fake, stagnant version of "what she likes". This is known as the "frozen Monster Boy with a Perma-Tan." It is because of this condition that many men go years without evolving. These poor souls simply grow into fatter, hornier versions of their young-adult selves. You'll recognize them by their slogan: "College is the best four years of your life!"

Monsterboy will only die by lack of contact with the woman who witnessed (then rejected) his birth. Unfortunately, contact is just what the Monsterboy seeks--he thrives on it (even though she can't stand him). But if you indulge him and insist on contacting her, not only are you embarking on a fruitless path of one hating it scene after another, but the Monsterboy will eat away your mind until you've grow into a full-blown Beatoffking. This is a grave condition and it's too serious to just expound upon right here.

The above condition is funny when viewed from the outside. But it is no laughing matter for the Monsterboy. For he is perpetually plagued with one or two particular memories of complete sexual ecstasy. It may have been a mere four seconds in duration, but still long enough to throw doubt on every other possible experience. More importantly, she and only she was the cause of this ecstasy. Thus, even looking at pictures of her can delay healing.

An entire dissertation could be written about the condition. Some of the possible titles are:
The Monsterboy with a Tan: Life in Orbit Around One Memory
Monsterboy Rescues the Fat-Skinny Kid: Sure he's Tan. But is he better off?
Pornography and the Monsterboy's Fantasy: Yes, all male porn stars are Monsterboys
The Methods of the Monsterboy: A Cockter in Training
Logan and the Monsterboy: Time Travel in the Year of Nihilistic Self-Regret

ENTER THE FAT-SKINNY KID

Questions? You can contact me by clicking here or by writing to me at "whoremanual@yahoo.com"

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