| Recent Movies *updated* 07/24/08 |
| Older Movies 10/20/07 |
| The Dark Knight- Heath Ledger's Joker is like a nuclear explosion whereas Jack Nicholson's is like a pussy fart. Sex and the City- Yup. I actually went to this. I think it has something to do with me having no taste what so ever. It's an abortion of a movie. And not one of those clean-cut abortions, I'm talking about back-alley style. You know, the kind we will be reduced to if Mc Cain is president. Juno- With 2/8 the cast of Arrested Development, you can't go wrong (unless it's not Michael Cera or Jason Bateman.) Sweeney Todd- I hate musicals. Johnny Depp isn't hot in this. The blood is orange. No Country for Old Men: No time for good haircut. Cloverfield: Here's a little PSA for anyone I know reading this: I WILL NOT COME TO SAVE YOU IF THERE IS A GODZILLA ON THE LOOSE. Live Fast, Die Hard: Explosions everywhere. Bruce Willis is apparently Superman now. Fuck this movie. Spiderman 3: Villianopolis!- I was waiting for the Hulk and Dr. Doom to pop out and start felching each other. Wuddup with the extraneous plot, Mr. Raimi? Grindhouse: I want to become a magician, just so I can turn this movie into a human being and fuck the shit out of it. Reno 911:Miami: I paid to see this? And Mc Donalds is doing the 2 for $3 fish fillets? FUCK!!! Pan's Labyrinth: En Espanol! Muy bien! The tears of a thousand stolen burritos were cried. The Descent: 1 cave + 6 ladies + monsters - clean shorts = this movie. Jackass 2: Balls and Cocks and Pubes, Oh My!!! Little Miss Sunshine: Like a Vockswagen commerical with emotions. Clerks II: Some guy pukes! Scary Movie 4: Abortions are funnier than this movie. The Hills Have Eyes- It's like the teenage mutant ninja turtles, but without the ninja action or turtles. Red Eye- Let's ask my brown eye what it thought of Red Eye..."BRAAAPPPP!" War Of The Worlds: Run Tom Cruise Run!!!! Harry Potter 4: Looks like Harry used his magic wand to procure himself a six-pack. Jesus Christ. SAW- Holy shit! The guy on the floor isn't dead! (Haha, I ruined it for you!) UNDEAD- This movie had me when I saw a grandma get fucking BLASTED by a meteor and THEN she turned into a ZOMBIE. It's like my dreams came true right in front of my eyes. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 4:NECROPOLIS- Sucked. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 5:RAVE TO THE GRAVE- I thought it was pretty amazing, but this one sucked even more than the one before it. BATMAN BEGINS- Now why did they have to go and ruin the horrible movie franchise by making a decent Batman movie? MR.FREEZE, WHERE WERE YOU!?!?!!? KUNG FU HUSTLE- One and a half hours of kungfu-fucktasticness! |
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| Holy shit! Movies! Warning: These movie reviews may make you slightly retarded, but only like Corky retarded, not Terry Schiavo retarded. |
| Kickboxer- Just as good as I remember it not being. Black Snake Moan- Saying this movie is good is like fucking a hooker and calling it "making love." Mad Max-Beyond The Thunderdome: Does it bother anyone else that Tina Turner kills a guy with Downs Syndrome by shooting him in the gut with an arrow? (Technically, she only tells someone to do this, but it's still rad.) Lionheart: Jean Claude kicks his way into my heart...again! Superman 4: Like #2, only #4! Dodgeball: Wish I could have dodged this stinker. Mystic River: The fact that this movie was so good makes it hard for me to make a funny comment....oh wait! Kevin Bacon is in this one too! I love bacon! Stir of Echos: If some creepy-shit ghost girl kept talking to me, I'd MOVE THE FUCK OUT, not try to unravel the mystery of her death. True Romance- This movie has more movie stars than Angelina Jolie has shitty tattoos. Straight To Hell- This movie sent me straight to obscure movie heaven. It had lots of people getting shot, Courtney Love's fat ass, and no plot. Better Off Dead: Better off falling asleep. Cronos- It's Clash of the Titans meets Vamp meets My Best Friend's A Vampire meets Cocoon! X-Men 2- My mutant power would consist of me being able to eat around 20 taco salads at once while soaring in the sky with my ultra flight power while shooting solar beams from my eyes. White Noise- I heard a noise alright, it was me snoring. Gross Pointe Blank- There's something about John Cusack stabbing a guy in the neck with a pen that just warms my heart. River Wild- I played 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon and found out that I really like to eat bacon! Conan The Barbarian- It was entertaining and muscley and all of these things. Krull- I hate old movies where they build up the super villain so fucking much, then at the end, the super villain gets killed by a fucking fart. I give this movie two cheeks-a-flappin'! Candyman- I'm conflicted. It's a sort of scary movie and it's weird, but Candyman dresses like a pimp. Isn't he supposed to be from the 1700's or some shit like that? The Fog- Ghosts. Pirates. Ghost Pirates. Fog. Ghostly Fog. Event Horizon- Stay out of the crazy ship! Frailty- Oh the twists! Oh the turns! Oh the crap my butt does churn! No Escape- There was no escape...from falling asleep! Indiana Jones-The Arc One- Jungles! Artifacts! Whips! It's almost a porn! Last Action Hero- When I bought this, I got laughed at by the clerk. I went back to the store later and stabbed him in the neck. Who's laughing now, dickhead!?! Dead Alive- Zombies. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. |
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