Written by Miri the Mentally Unstable
Visit her site at http://www.expage.com/riderbarracks
Jon: Alanna, I love you.
[Alanna struggles to keep a straight face but starts screwing up her eyes and wrinkling her nose]
Jon: What?
Alanna: Phew! What did YOU have for breakfast that gave you THAT breath?
Director: Cut! Get some Tic-Tacs!
[Alanna, Thom, and Maude are sitting before a roaring fire. Maude takes each twin’s hand and plunges it into the flames. They quickly pull them away.]
Alanna: It’s not SUPPOSED to hurt, dammit!
Thom: WHERE’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY?!?!
Director: Cut! Get the nurse on here!
[Liam is staving off several attackers trying to get at Jon. He executes a flying jump but sprawls flat on his rear end on landing.]
[Alanna and Ralon are alone in the stable.]
Ralon: You little—!
[Comes at Alanna; she punches him in the nose. Ralon falls and starts bawling.]
Ralon: Owie! She gave me a boo-boo!
Alanna: Suck it up, buddy!
Director: I can’t work like this.
[Alanna is in Chitral Pass, fighting the mountain ape. She catches his ear with her sword and flips the mask off.]
Actor: Yo! Put me face back on!
[Alanna collapses and laughs helplessly.]
Actor: It’s not funny! I’m gettin' paid here!
Director: Cut! Call costumes!
[Jon and Alanna are in the desert after the ordeal with the Ysandir.]
Jon: Alanna of Trebond—I will be honored if you will serve as my squire.
Alanna: [wrinkles nose] My life…and sword…are yours…[starts laughing] Someone had too much of that garlic sauce at the Bazhir feast, hmm?
Jon: Come ON! It’s not THAT bad!
[Alanna is sitting at her campsite after burying the Sorceress of Alois. She holds the two swords, one broken, in front of her and has a cut on her right arm.]
Alanna: One, crystal and whole, unbreakable, strong. One—crystal in the hilt, straight steel, sheared in two. Two—Separate, yet together. Being. Becoming. One! One blade, unbreakable and whole!
[She faints. Coram trots over to her.]
Coram: Of all the crazy, stupid stunts…[Pauses] Hey, there’s still two swords here.
Alanna: [opens an eye] It should have worked…[Springs up] ALL RIGHT, C’MERE, YOU CHEAP EXCUSE FOR A SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY!!!!
Director: Cut!
[Jon and Alanna are facing all of the Ysandir in the Black City.]
Ylon: I am Yuh-yuh-Ylon, chief of the Yah-son…Yuh-sand…Why-soon…
[All the Ysandir, Alanna, and Jon start laughing.]
Ylon: Well YOU try to say it!!!
[Alanna is sitting at a fire with the Goddess and a kitten Faithful.]
Goddess: A goddess can ask no more. Guard her well, Small One.
[The kitten, instead of mewing, burps loudly.]
Goddess: Hey—that was UNCALLED for, bub! You’re talking to a GODDESS here!
[Alanna and Jon are in the tent alone, after Alanna recovers from helping Thor. Jon leans over and kisses her.]
Alanna: [breaks away, sputtering] Hoo boy! That’s some funky breath you’ve got there!
Jon: [aggravated] RRGH!!!
Director: Cut! Take five!
[Alanna is in the woods, looking at the body of Demon Grey. She clutches her ember-stone and the body and Roger are suddenly hot pink.]
Alanna: Isn’t it supposed to be orange…?
Jon: [cracks up] Nice color, Rodge!
Roger: [angrily] LEMME AT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY!!!!
[Daine is walking behind Numair in the royal forest. She spots a tree sprite.]
Sprite: They’re after me Lucky Charms!
Numair: [spins around] Look! A tree sprite…I’ve never seen them wear hats before…
Sprite: [clutches cereal box to his chest] They’re after me Lucky Charms! [disappears]
Director: Cut! What was with that comment about the hats?
Numair: Sorry.
[View of the camera is jogged and full of static. The picture is of several packing crates; the cameraperson is moving around them. Hushed giggles are heard in the background. A view of two Stormwings comes on. They are sitting around a crate having tea.]
Stormwing 1: One lump or two, Rikash?
Rikash: One, if you please, Barzha.
Barzha: [gives Rikash a lump of sugar] And you absolutely have to try these delicious scones. They’re simply divine.
Rikash: [accepts tea in claws and takes a scone] Thank you, Barzha. [sips tea daintily] Have you heard about Tillie’s croquet party on the twenty- first? It’s going to be smashing fun!
Barzha: Oh, I can’t make it—I’m dreadfully sorry. Martha and I are going into the city that day to do some hat shopping.
Cameraperson: Haha…SHH!!
Barzha: What was that? [stares at camera] Oh CRAP!!!!!!
Rikash: [flies at camera] Get AWAY from here, you *CENSORED* *CENSOREDS*!
[Camera blacks out]
[Daine is kneeling among the wolves at Dunlath.]
Daine: Here goes…[she shape-shifts into a fluffy white lamb]
Daine: [baaing] Whaaat…[looks at herself] Wheeere’s thaat daaamn speecial effects guuy? Baaa!
Brokefang: Isn’t she supposed to be a wolf?
Frostfur: Who cares? Dinnertime!
[The wolves leap at Daine, who canters around baaing.]
Daine: Heeelp meee! Baaa!
Director: Cut! Get the animal handlers on here!
[Daine and Numair run through the woods at Dunlath. They burst into a clearing.]
Daine: Cloud! Iakoju! Kitten! Stormwings are abroad!
[An ogre, a dragon, and a donkey stand in the clearing.]
Numair: Kitten…you got bigger…
Ogre: Hold the phone. Who’s Kitten and what are we doing here?
Daine: [walks over to the donkey] Cloud…?
Donkey: Man, who’s this Cloud you keep talking about?
Ogre: And who’s Ee-ay-joe-coo?
Director: Cut! Who are you?
Ogre: I think we’re on the wrong set.
Donkey: Hey, we’re looking for the Shrek set. Know where that is?
Director: Oh, you want the Dreamworks building. Over there to the left.
Ogre: Thanks. [They exit]
Numair: [puzzled] What’s a Shrek? Some kind of rural dialect phrase?
[Director smacks his head against the movie-flapper thingie.]
[Jon has Inkblot the darking on his shoulder.]
Jon: [turns to the darking] Very good, Inkblot.
Inkblot: Breath…powerful! [faints]
[Everyone laughs]
Jon: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!
[Daine is on the barge at the feast in Carthak. The mages yell out a word and the boat begins to rise. Kitten shrieks.]
Daine: No, Kit, stop. Be quiet, understand?
[Boat in midair pauses then jogs up and down. People scream.]
Chioke: Hey! We’re STUCK!
Mage 1: We can’t get down!
Alanna: NO!! THE SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY IS AT IT AGAIN!!!
Director: Cut! Get a ladder!
[Daine, Numair, George, and others are watching the kraken destroy ships.]
Numair: Friend of yours?
Daine: Not exactly. I guess he moves faster than I thought.
[Kraken destroys more ships.]
Daine: Oh, dear—I think he’s going to be nasty.
George: How big did you say it was?
Daine: I didn’t—hey, what’s he doing?
[Kraken tentacle reaches in the direction of the camera.]
Daine: No! Stop! Eat THEM, not him! THEM!!!!!
[Tentacle picks up camera guy]
Camera guy: AAAAH!!!
[View swirls wildly in the air]
Daine: NO!! BAD KRAKEN!! PUT THE CAMERA DUDE DOWN!!
[Camera falls into the grass; a groan is heard from the camera guy.]
Director: Cut! Daine, if you can’t control that kraken, he’s gonna go!
Daine: Sorry, sir…he’s just a baby…
Director: [aggravated] Take eleven.
[Daine is sitting with King Jon, Numair, and Onua.]
Jon: [takes Daine’s hands] Will you let Numair help you study your…[stops at the expression on Daine’s face] What is it THIS time?
Daine: [takes shallow breaths] That’s the most major case of halitosis I’ve ever smelled!
[Everyone except Jon laughs. Jon grits his teeth and runs offstage.]
[Lindhall is in front of his door.]
Lindhall: Let me in, dolt.
Door: [in tinny voice] Not on your life, buster!
[Lindhall is confused, and Kaddar struggles to keep a straight face]
Lindhall: Hey…[whirls about and dives at Kaddar, picking him up by the collar] You! What did you do!
Kaddar: Ventriloquism…it’s an ancient art!
Director: Cut!
[Kel is fighting Joren at morning sword practice. Joren forces her out of line.]
Joren: You’re going down.
Kel: Not on your life, scum.
[They get into a body-to-body lock. Something falls from the sky and lands on Joren’s head.]
Joren: Ah crap! [breaks off fighting and touches head] Bird s***!
Kel: [laughing] That’s—what you get—for messing—with me!
Director: [amid laughs offstage] Cut! Let’s get a towel over here!
[Kel is doing a glaive practice dance in her room. She does a wide swing and accidentally chops the legs off her desk chair.]
Kel: Whoops. Sorry.
Director: Cut! Call Props!
[Kel and Raoul are sitting together at a table. Raoul is finishing up his speech about the the types of warriors.]
Raoul: [finishing up] We’re too desperate for good commanders to let one slip away, even a female one. Now, finish that and you can stop for tonight. [He sits back and pants a bit.]
[Kel sits in silence for a bit, Raoul looking at her expectantly.]
Kel: Um…what’s my line again?
Raoul: I am gonna KILL you if I have to repeat that again!!!! [Chases Kel, who is laughing, offstage.]
Director: I think it’s time for a coffee break.
[Neal and Kel are standing in the dining hall.]
Kel: Oh, look, here comes Cleon.
[Silence.]
Kel: I SAID, oh, look, here comes CLEON!
Cleon: [voice is heard offstage] Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away, on my way, to where the air is sweeeet!
Neal: Oh, gods. He’s watching PBS again.
Cleon: Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street!
Director: Cleon, get on here! You can watch TV later!
Cleon: [appears in frame from offstage] But this episode features the number NINE and the letter B!
Kel: LATER, CLEON!
[Kel is on the bank of the river, facing a spidren. The spidren grins and sticks out a leg which falls off and dangles by a wire.]
Director: Cut! John, what happened?
[Camera shoots up to a puppeteer above the set, waving a set of wires.]
John: Sorry. The Superglue didn’t dry yet.
Director: Can we get Jim Henson on here please?
[Neal and Kel are walking out of Sir Myles’ classroom.]
Myles: Keladry? Might I have a word?
Neal: He probably wants to know what the Yamani emperor has for breakfast.
Myles: Actually, I don’t. I know what dear Chuckie has for breakfast.
Kel: Chuckie…?
Neal: Hey, that’s not in the script.
Myles: He has toast with raspberry jam, hot chocolate with ten little marshmallows, a peach cut into seven diagonal sections, and three strips of bacon with one egg sunny-side up.
Director: Cut! Myles, what the hell was that?
[Everyone is looking at Myles oddly.]
Myles: [embarrassed] I just wanted to be funny, Mr. Director.
Neal: Don’t make jokes, Myles. You’re awful at it. Leave it to moi. [Clears throat] Hey, a funny thing happened on the turnpike the other day…
All: SHUT UP NEAL!!!!!!
[Kel, Neal, Vinson, Joren, and Garvey were fighting but trapped in Numair’s spell. They can’t move.]
Numair: Run along, please.
Neal: Spell…
Numair: Spell? Oh, yes, of course. How careless.
[Nothing happens]
Numair: Hey…
Kel: Special…Effects…dude…
Alanna: [comes running on, brandishing sword] NO! The EVIL SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY is at it again!!!! He RUINED MY MOVIE!!!! RUN while you STILL CAN!!!
Director: CUT! SOMEONE calm that crazy woman down!!
[Kel is at the top of Balor’s Needle with King Jon.]
Jon: I can arrange it so your body will take you down without your mind being any the wiser…[stops at look on Kel’s face] Of course, if you don’t want to…
Kel: No, sire…it’s just that the wind blows the smell of your breath over here…WOW that’s strong! [coughs]
Jon: LOOK, maybe it would make EVERYONE happier if I just jumped off this thing!
[He jumps of the edge of the Needle and there’s a dull thud.]
Alanna: [offstage] It’s a wooden set, Jon, it’s barely three feet tall.
Jon’s Voice: [slightly muffled] I knew that.
[Kel is standing in the Chamber, looking at the little man, his eleven machines, and the pile of dolls.]
Kel: [thinking, a voice in the background] They’re dead children…
[A twelfth monster appears and tosses a Barney doll onto the pile.]
Kel: [puzzled, speaking now] Wait…what’s that?
Cleon: [offstage] BARNEY!! SOMEONE took my Talkin’ n’ Laughin’ BARNEY!!
Barney Doll: [in fake recorded voice] And remember, I love you.
Director: CUT!! That’s the wrong prop!
[Little man looks exasperated; monsters take off their masks and laugh.]
Actor 1: Nice one, Bill!
Actor 2: Well, the dolls feel the same as the Barney one…
[Director crawls under his director chair and starts crying.]