Written by JJJLCC
1.Don't read this
2.Get one for goodness sake!
~*~*~*~
Reporter-Hi, I'm Nancy Bloom (OOC: Everyone that gets this, LOL!) and I'm here reporting on the Tortallies! Yes, the award show you've all been waiting for. And it seems we have a large turn out here. And...wait, the crowd is parting! It's...(The crowd parts to reveal Roger in bright orange robes) Roger?
Roger-(Winks)Yes, I've come back from the dead Again to acknowledge my nomination for Evilest Bad Guy.
Nancy Bloom-(Stumbles for words) You...don't...say. Well...how's the underworld?
Roger-(Sighs) Dull, dreary, and, of course, full of dead people. (Brightens) But I have been able to start my school for the future crazy evil people of the world. We teach the most dramatic deaths, the freakiest laughs, and so much more. (Winks at the camera and walks away)
Nancy-(Recovers) Well, it looks like it's going to be a very interesting night. Oh Gods! What is that smell? (Everyone in the audience covers their nose)
Ozorne-Yo dudes, move it.
Nancy-(Speaking in that funny voice people use when their noses are plugged) It appears that Roger isn't the only one to come back from the dead for these awards.
(Ozorne appears, the crowd giving him a WIDE birth. His two arms\wings are draped over two female stormwings. He wears a REALLY big medallion. You know, he looks like an over-exaggerated rapper.)
Ozorne-(Makes a messed up peace sign with his fingers) Don't hate, appreciate. (Looks worried) Was that "hip" enough?
Female Stormwing-Don't worry Ozy, it was fine.
Nancy-I don't even want to know, just going to walk away. (Wanders through the crowd)
Joren-Hey, I've come back from the dead!
Nancy-Been there, done that, NEED the nose plugs. (Keeps walking)
(Jonathan and Thayet come up in the exact same cowboy suits that Justin and Britney were wearing.)
Thayet-Nancy! How nice to see you!
Nancy-So, what have you been nominated for?
Thayet-Well, my nomination is a surprise and Jonny here has been nominated for In Most Need of a Reality Pill At Times.
Nancy-How interesting...I'm sorry, I have to go talk to some of the other people now. (Thayet and Jon nod and Nancy walks away)
(Cleon and Kel show up. Everyone that knows Kel should have gone with Neal or Dom boos)
Nancy-Booo! Yes, me too. I'll just skip them. (When the two pass, Nancy trips Cleon) Whoops!
(Briar, Sandry, Tris and Daja walk up the red carpet)
Nancy-Hey, wrong story! This is the Tortallies!
Briar-Are you sure?
Nancy-Yes.
Sandry-Really sure?
Nancy-Positive.
Daja-Really, really?
Nancy-(Starting to lose her patience) YES!
Tris-(Shrugs) Okay. (Pauses) Really?
Nancy-Get out! Get out! Security! (Girls in cheerleader uniforms with Security written on the back show up) You have got to be kidding me.
Security People-(In unison) Give us a B!
Roger-B!
Security People-Give us a J!
Joren-J!
Security People-Give us a L!
Nancy-If you can't beat 'em...L!
Security People-What does that spell?
Cleon-Oh I know! BJL!
Nancy-No you air-headed loser, it spells nothing. Well, this has been the red carpet for the Tortallies and I'm trapped in a house of lunatics! Will I survive the night? Find out next time!
~*~*~*~
Nancy-Hello everyone! I get to be the announcer here! Now you may all bask in my beauty for the next few minutes. (She smiles and just stands there)
Camera Man-Nancy! We aren’t on yet.
Nancy-(Frowns)Oh.
Camera Man-Okay, now we’re on.
Nancy-Oh forget this, here are Owen and Wyldon. (Sticks her tongue at the audience and walks off.)
Wyldon skips on and Owen slouches on, scowling. Numair runs on after them.
Numair-No! You aren’t supposed to do this until the whole brain-swap experiment is finished.
Owen-Blast it, I’ve been like this for 3 days, it can wait a little longer.
Numair stalks off stage, thoroughly put out.
Wyldon-Cheer up buckers! We’re here to announce a very jolly award! The Evilest Bad Person!
Owen-Try living with this guy.
A screen pops up that says: The Tortallies. The image changes and you can see four squares with tiny pictures that you can’t really see in them. It zooms in on the top-right one. You see Roger, grinning, in his bright orange robes.
Wyldon-Is it Roger, the crazy duke from the underworld?
The screen now zooms in on the top-left image. You see Ozorne, still in that ridiculous get-up, making the same messed-up peace sign.
Owen-Or is it Ozorne, who’s clothes alone make people scream.
Ozorne-I heard that! Now you all shall die...(One of the female stormwings places a hand over Ozorne’s mouth)
Female Stormwing-Now, what did we say about threatening to kill the audience?
Ozorne-(Mutters)Gratitude, not attitude.
Other Female Stormwing-Good, you get a cookie.
Ozorne-GOODIE!!! (Sings, very badly) Cookie, Cookie, Cookie!!!!!
Owen-I’m not going to ask...Let’s keep moving.
Screen zooms in to show Joren.
Wyldon-Or is it Joren, Ice Prince of some place or other...
Owen-He went to your stupid school you air head!
Wyldon-Oh well, I don’t care. Jolly, jolly, jolly! Gosh, I like that word.
Owen-(Rolls his eyes) Even I wasn’t that bad...
Screen shows the last image. And it’s... ... ... ...MY ENGLISH TEACHER!!!!!!!!! I cower behind my seat with fear. The audience screams with terror.
Owen-Ahhhh, the horror!!! It’s PMS Barbie, without the Barbie looks!!!! My eyes!
Wyldon-She’s kinda cute actually...
Me-You’re kidding, right?
Wyldon-Nope...She wins!!!
My English Teacher walks on. The audience jumps back in unison.
Owen-My eyes! My eyes! (Runs off)
English Teacher-Oh you hate me! You really hate me! This is my proudest moment! And Sarah.
Me-Yes?
English Teacher-I’m giving you lots and lots of homework.
Me-NOOO!
Wyldon-So, maybe I could take you out for a victory dinner...
English Teacher-That sounds like fun. (Puts and finger to her mouth)
Wyldon-We could discuss methods of cruel and unusual torture.
English Teacher-My favorite subject (Starts to choke on her finger) I’m dieing, I’m dieing!
Wyldon-(Pulls the finger out of her mouth) There.
English Teacher-Oh you saved me. (Drops into his arms. He staggers off under her weight)
Nancy runs on in a celery outfit.
Nancy-Trust me, you don’t want to know. Wasn’t that Wyldon married.
Someone in the audience-Yeah, to her.
Me-That explains so much...
Nancy-What is going to happen next on the asylum? Find out after this commercial.
~*~*~*~
Nancy-(Still wearing the celery suit) And we’re back! Well, I have to take up a few more seconds so I think I’ll tell you the secret of the celery. You see I...
Camera Man-(Hisses)Nancy! You’re running over time!
Nancy-That just figures...(Walks off)
A few minutes pass and nothing happens
Me-(Jumps out of my chair)Coconuts! (OOC:You were expecting “Legolas” weren’t ya?)
Everyone in the audience stares at me.
Me-(Sinking back down into my chair) I just wanted to break the silence...
My English Teacher walks on again. Screams of terror from the audience. Owen runs through from stage right to stage left screaming: “My eyes!!”. He then appears again from stage right and does the same thing. And again. My English Teacher waits for him at stage right and when he starts to run on again, she pushes him back. She walks back to the microphone.
My English Teacher-Well, there wasn’t anyone to do this so I decided to. King Something-or-other wins the award he was nominated for.
Jonathan walks up as My English Teacher leaves. What he does not realize is that the roaring applause is due to the latter. He gives a long boring speech. We all wait stupefied until he’s done.
Nancy walks on yawning, still in the celery get-up.
Nancy-That was a stirring speech your Majesty. (She says this not sarcastically. It truly is a stirring speech; many are stirring out of their seats to leave.)
Jon-Thank you and vote for me! And that is a fine celery suit you’re wearing there.
Nancy-Thanks. Well, this next award should be interesting...(Promptly walks off again)
George and Alanna walk in. Alanna seems to rush to get to the mic.
Alanna-Well everyone, as Thayet has undoubtedly told all of you, there is a special award for her tonight. And the award is...(she pulls out a bright purple envelope with yellow stripes) (Mutters to George) Next time, let’s not take Thayet’s fashion tips. (Puts on a huge smile)And the award is...(opens envelope and bursts out laughing. Through her laughs she manages to say something)Ditz...Queen...of...the...World!!!
(OOC:No, I have no problems with Thayet either. She’s cool. But I thought it would be funny. The reason for why it took me so long to write this is coming...)
Thayet walks onto the stage. “(Starts talking like a ditz) Like wow! This like is like the best like award don’t you like think? Well like I have like prepared...
Me-Ahem!
Thayet-With like a little of like Sarah’s help...
Me-Ahem!
Thayet-Okay, like she wrote like the entire thing! Are you like happy?
Me-Delighted.
Thayet-I’ll like get started now. (She starts to sing)
“Delia was a crazy fool,
Alanna thought George was cool,
Josaine was positively crazy,
So now, Jonny’s my baby!
Let me break it down,
Delia thought it was fun to clown,
With all the boys she could bend.
But Roger got her killed in the end.
Alanna wouldn’t take Jonny’s kiss,
And live her life in eternal bliss.
So she went and wed a thief,
To live with him in his little fief.
Joisane seemed the best of the three.
Though not nearly good as me.
But she was totally off her rocker!
And so Alanna had to stop her.
And then there was me,
As perfect as can be!
I decided to go with him,
Cause he obeys my littlest whim!”
Thayet holds the last note for so long that the camera lens breaks. Then you hear Nancy’s voice.
Nancy-We’ve had a slight technical problem. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until we’ve fixed the camera.
~*~*~*~
Nancy-Well, we’ve finally fixed the camera. We would have gotten it done sooner if someone (looks pointedly at Thayet, who looks wildly around) hadn’t tried to help us. Anyway, to avoid further disaster, we’ll just announce the next award...
Kel runs on stage with a steaming mug of coffee.
Kel-(bouncing up and down excitedly)(chrips) Coffee! Coffee! It’s really good don’t ya know.
Nancy-Um, I suppose. (Mutters to the camera man) Wasn’t she supposed to be more, erm, controlled?
Kel-Screw my Yamani training! COFFEE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Nancy-Yes, now that’s all well and good. We’ll be sure to ponder over that for a while. But do you think that you can handle announcing the award?
Kel-(seems to control of herself) Yes...(breaks into hysterical laughter)
Nancy makes movements with her hand across her neck. A cane protrudes from the curtains and drags Kel off stage.
Nancy-I guess I’ll give the award. And the award is...
The screen pops up again. Four other tiny images appear.
Nancy-...the hottest guy.
Me-YEAH! This is my kinda award!
As she reads the names, the images zoom in until you can see the pictures.
Nancy-Is it Jon? Or is it Numair? Or could it be Neal? Or is it possible that it’s...(stares in shock at the paper and then turns to me) Sarah, you’re kidding right?
Me-No way, no how, nope.
Nancy-But come on! It goes over board at this.
Me-Don’t care.
Nancy-You’re really serious.
Me-Yes, this is MY fic so I can do whatever a darn well please.
Nancy-Fine, but this was NOT my idea everyone. In fact, that’s it; I won’t do this. I’m going to run off with the camera man!!
Music plays and the two skip off.
~*~*~*~
Omigod. That had to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever written. I hope that you were able to guess who I was talking about. Anyway, I should probably explain why I pulled a dumb ending. I have picked up WAY too many projects. If you guys really really wanted me to continue. I’ll erase this and do another chapter. TOODLES
Sarah
PS.I’m extremely sorry about the dumb ending. VERY SORRY!
**************
Hi all! Remember me? Well of course ya do! You'll have to excuse me, I just ate a cupcake! And it was yummy!
Well, on to the entire point of all this, if there even is a point... My friend was reading this story and she was like: "How can you end it like THAT??" That got me thinking, and this is the result! *Laughs evilly* MUHAHAHA
Oh yeah, and I brought in some Lord of the Rings characters into this skit for the chapter. Hope ya don't mind...
~*~*~*~
The audience is still in complete shock after Nancy runs out of the room. I jump up, suddenly possessing a microphone, and run on stage.
Me:Well, now that she was too chicken to announce that Legolas won the Hottest Guy award...
Me ex-boyfriend appears, unfortunately.
Steven:Wait!! If just anyone can win this award then I should!!
Now the whole Fellowship arrives, except for Legolas, he's too busy being the best darn character in the series!
Fellowship Minus Legolas *sob*:We come to kick your butt!
Me:No way! He's mine! (I grab onto Aragorn's sword) Prepare to be vanquished!
Steven:Huh?
Frodo:I can understand why you broke up with this guy...
Steven:Ummm...are you insulting me?
Me:You bet! (I wildly wave around the sword at him) Get away from me! (The sword suddenly falls apart at the hilt) What's up with that?
Aragorn:Well, it is the broken sword...
Steven:Haha! That's a sword!
Gandalf:(rolls his eyes)Thank you All Mighty Loser, if we need to identify any other objects, we won't hesitate to ask.
Me:Wait! I must have silence! (Everyone shuts up) That's pretty neat...
Steven is still so amazed that he figured out the sword was a sword. The eight members of the Fellowship are looking around as if wanting to get out of this nutty award show. YOU should be running very, very far away.
Steven:Sword...ha...sword...
Me:You know what, take your cheap stage prop! (I throw the hilt to Aragon, but it somehow ends up hitting Steven in the head. Go figure...) Whoopsie...
Steven:Like ow...
Thayet: (Jumping up) Like hey, this like guy like took my like best like word!
Me:That's it, I've had enough of both of you!
I pull out something from under the podium. It is one of those computerized things that helps you read. It calls out in a computerized voice:Today's word is PINAPPLE. Used in a sentence:My gosh! You bare resemblance to a PINAPPLE.
Steven:Wow...that was so touching. (Looks to Borormir) Do you have a tissue on you?
Borormir shakes his head, looking disbelieving.
Me:Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Suddenly, we notice that Thayet is kneeling and bowing in awe. She chants: "Oh bringer of wisdom."
Merry:Okay then...
Me:Don't ask, please. (They all nod enthusiastically)
Pippin:Why haven't I said anything?
Me:Because we were all waiting for you to say that line I guess.
Pippin:Why?
Me:Because the cupcake told me to!
Pippin:Ohhh...now it all makes sense.
Me:Now I shall get back to torturing our not-so-special guest.
Pippin:Please continue. (Pulls a bag of popcorn that has just magically appeared out of the air and starts to eat)
Me:Well since I have to go to sleep soon, and also because I have totally gone off topic in this segment..(I give a long dramatic pause)..I shall turn you into a Pink-and-Purple-Poka-Dotted-Panda-Cow!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steven:Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
Aragorn:What do those look like anyway?
Me:No idea!!
Suddenly, there is a poof of pink smoke. Now, instead of Steven, there stands a (do I really have to repeat it?) He is mooing wildly, running around like a mad cow...which he is.
Sam suddenly posses a frying pan. He whacks StevenCow over the head with it.
Sam:Gotcha!
Me:Well, we have to get rid of this idiot cow now...be back soon!
~*~*~*~
*NEW*
Me: Hello and welcome back to the Tortallies! Sorry that it took so long for us to come back, but I was busy with homework...Well, on to the main event!
Alanna: There’s a main event?
Me: Of course there is...being pointless! And today we are going to be even more pointless than normal! Our next award goes to Coram for being the best serving man. (Coram walks out) That’s one that you’ll wanna keep heh?
Coram: (nods and I walk off) Sorry I was late, I was just putting the kettle on. (Places a tea kettle on his head like a hat)
Silence.
Coram: So, how are you all?
Silence. Wait, now you hear crickets like in those movies. Coram pushes a button marked Cricket Poison, and its quiet.
Coram: I should tan yer hides...but I’m too busy with George’s cousin! (Runs off laughing like a maniac)
Me: (walks back on, laughing) Well, that’s what you get from living with the Lioness so long, we better watch out for George...
Silence.
Me: Well, you are what you eat. (Hold’s up a packet of nuts)
Still, Silence.
Me: That’s it! Bring back those crickets!
New Camera Guy: Um, they’re dead
Me: Oh well, I shall bring them back to life with THE RING!!! (Shows everyone the ring on her thumb)
Camera Guy: That’s just a stage prop...
Me: Well so was the other one! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Snaps her fingers and suddenly the crickets rise from the dead like those zombie people, they all walk up onto the stage) What are you doing?
Camera Man: (Converses with the crickets) They demand a disco.
Me: What?
Crickets: (In funny squeaky voices) We want to paaaaarrrtaaayyy!
A Random Audience Member: Translation?
Camera Man: Party.
Everyone: Oooooooh!
Me: I suppose so...
The crickets are suddenly wearing mini disco suits, a disco ball comes down, and they start to disco. (Sensing the pattern yet?)
Me: Oh my god, I’ve gone completely mad! Please remain calm as we take a break until part two of this chapter so that I don’t scare everyone out of their senses...
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