| ^ - ^ EPISODE THREE ^ - ^ |
| EPISODE TWO *Lights blaze, shot of crowd clapping and yelling, then camera cuts to the stage. Theme song plays* A smiling woman with brown hair curled under in a green and white polka-dotted dress waves at the camera. Woman: Welcome back, everyone! I’m Anita Life, your host. I was formerly Anita Job, but I got married. I’m glad everyone could join us for this week’s episode of You Can’t Win! *Audience applauds and whistles loudly* Anita: Thank you! On last week’s episode, Numair Salmalin, Alanna Cooper, and Cleon of Kennan joined us in a stimulating battle of wits! Bob Helpme was the winner. However, due to the fact that Bob is currently in critical condition at the hospital- *Crowd gasps* Anita: His prize was forfeited. That means that whoever wins today will take home an even more fabulous prize than last week! *Crowd applauds* Anita: Let’s welcome Contestant Number One! A muscular, dark-skinned man with an important ring on his finger struts onstage, smiling broadly. Anita: Let’s hear it for His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Kaddar of Carthak! *Crowd is silent, except for a tall man with black hair in the front, who is snickering* Kaddar (frowning): You don’t like me?!?! Numair (in the audience): NO! WE ALL HATE YOU!! BEGONE, FOOL!!! *Audience is silent; Numair put a silencing spell on everyone. Kaddar slumps and sadly moves over to his stand* Anita: OK....then. Kaddar enjoys bossing people around, being a loser, and hitting on other peoples’ girlfriends....Hey, who wrote this? *Numair tries to look innocent, although everyone is staring silently at him* Anita: Anyway...Now it’s time to meet Contestant Number Two! *Numair releases the spell, the crowd goes wild* A beautiful, slender young woman with long, luxurious brown curls and blue-gray eyes with exquisite eyelashes and a great body glides onstage, smiling. *All of the men in the audience whistle loudly, causing her to blush. Numair growls* Numair: She’s mine, back off! *She waves to him. He waves back happily* Anita: Thank you. Meet Veralidaine Sarrasri, our second contestant. *Crowd goes wild* Anita: Daine is the Wildmage, and loves animals. She likes to ride horses and snuggle with her true love, Numair Salmalin....Yuck, who writes this-I mean, how lovely! *Daine and Numair glare at her* Daine: Thank you for the welcome. Anita: No prob! Now, let’s meet our third contestant! A large dog with curling gray fur lopes easily onto the stage. *Everyone in the audience laughs and/or giggles, and everyone says “aaaahhhhh, how cute!”* Anita: Um.... Dog: Woof! Woof! Daine: Tahoi? Anita: This week’s third contestant was supposed to be Onua Chamtong of the K’miri Raadeh! Not some mutt! *The large dog growls menacingly* Daine: Tahoi is Onua’s dog. He says that Onua is sick, but he came in her place! *Audience claps and cheers. Tahoi wags his tail* Anita: Fine! Let’s hear it for Tahoi! *Crowd goes wild. Tahoi trots over to his stand and places his front paws on it. Daine whispers to Anita* Anita: Tahoi enjoys chasing rabbits, herding ponies with Onua, his mistress, and living the good life! Tahoi: Woof! Audience: How cute! Anita: Let’s introduce today’s categories! *She waves her hand and the on the screen behind her appears five now red boxes* Anita: We have: Omelettes, Aliens From Faraway Places, Tom Cruise, Torture Devices, and JIN|A! *Audience claps* Anita: Before we begin, let’s review the lifelines! We have 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE! Kaddar: What’s that YOU LOSE!- Anita: Shut up! Contestant Number One, please pick a category! Kaddar: Um....Do I have to? I don’t understand the lifelines! Anita: Too bad! And yes! If you don’t, then... Everyone: YOU CAN’T WIN!!! Tahoi: Woof! Woof! Anita: Daine, translation? Daine: He said that wasn’t the POINT of the game to not be able to win? Kaddar: I see. Numair (in audience): Loser! Kaddar: Daine, you don’t think I’m a loser, do you? *He gives Daine his sad puppy-dog face* Daine: Well, you ARE really dumb... Kaddar: Hey! *Numair snickers* Anita: AHEM!!! Pick a category already! *Anita glares at Kaddar* Kaddar: Um....I pick Torture Devices! *Numair laughs evilly, but he is very quiet. Audience claps* Anita: Excellent! And the question is: What torture device will be used on you if you get this question wrong? Kaddar: Excuse me?! I am Kaddar, Emperor of Carthak! You dare not torture ME! *Audience laughs* Anita: I’m sor- Kaddar: And I can’t tell the future! *He sits down and starts crying* Anita: I’m sorry, Kaddar, but that answer was incorrect. The correct answer was....the cattle prod! *Audience cheers. Armed thugs, each carrying a cattle prod, come onstage and began prodding Kaddar* Kaddar: Hee hee! That tickles! Numair: He’s not smart enough to understand the concept of pain! *Audience laughs. Thugs crank up the voltage on the electric prods* Kaddar: OOWWWW!!! HELP!!! THAT HURTS!!! *He jumps up and runs away. Thugs chase him with the cattle prods* Anita (smiling): Now, Contestant Number Two! It’s your turn! Daine (gulps): I pick category-wait! I’m using my phone a friend lifeline- Numair (in the audience): Call me Daine! Please call me! Daine (continuing): to call the police, where I will be given the right to remain silent! *Crowd goes wild. Numair slumps in his seat, disappointed* Daine: Let’s get married, Numair! Numair (brightening): Okay! *Men in crowd sigh* Anita: Ahem. Thank you, Daine. Um... *Kaddar is running from the thugs with the cattle prods. He bumps into Anita, who promptly kicks him in an unfortunate place* Kaddar: Umph. *Kaddar sinks to the ground in pain* Anita (smiling brightly): Now, Contestant Number Three! Oh yeah, it’s the dog. Audience: Tahoi! Tahoi! Tahoi! Anita: Pick a category already, mutt! *Tahoi snarls* Tahoi: Woof! Woof! Daine: He says woof. *Crowd whispers excitedly* Anita: That’s correct! Tahoi, you win- *Kaddar leaps onto Anita* Kaddar: But no one can win! Anita: Well, he- *At that moment, a gray cat shoots out of Daine’s arms and runs across the stage* Anita: Ick! I’m allergic to cats! Achoo! Daine: Um...his tail was broken! *Tahoi leaps out from behind his podium and chases the cat. Kaddar opens the studio door and the cat and dog run out* Anita: My hero! *She runs over and jumps in Kaddar’s arms. He drops her and runs away. She leaps up and chases him around the studio* *Audience claps* Daine: As I am the only remaining survivor, I declare myself winner! *In the audience, Alanna, Jonathan, and Onua start yelling* Alanna: YOU! Jon: CAN’T! Onua: WI- Daine: Hey, aren’t you sick? Onua: No, I just watched last week’s show and didn’t want to be like Bob. Daine: That’s cool. *Alanna growls and produces a whistle from under her tunic. She blows three short blasts. A band of spear-carrying warrior wood-elves appear, each in a random place in the studio* Audience Member: Hey, aren’t those those elf dudes from before? Alanna: Attack! *The elves leap off of there perches and go after Daine. She shrieks and runs out the door* Numair: Daine! Wait! *Four of the elves turn on him* Numair: Aaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! *Offstage, Kitten (a.k.a. the Director) is busy beating her head against the wall* *Anita walks in through the open door. She lets Numair and Alanna run out, then goes back to the middle of the stage* Anita: We have the winner! *Audience goes wild* Anita: Drumroll, please! *Drumroll* Anita: It’s .......Warrior wood elf #4! Warrior wood elf #4: I won? Anita: Congratulations! You win a yacht, a mansion in Paris, $10,000,000,000,000,000, ten cars of your choice, and a date with Daine! Daine (sticking her head in the studio): I think not! Anita: Sigh. *The Head Grand Chief Warrior Wood Elf appears* Head Grand Chief Warrior Wood Elf: You have failed me! Warrior wood elf #4: Oh...sorry? H.G.C.W.W.E.: I’m afraid that you must now spend ten weeks as the Crocodile Hunter’s stunt double! Warrior wood elf #4: NOOO!!!!!!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!!! *As Warrior wood elf #4 is dragged away, Anita smiles at the audience* Anita: Be sure to turn in next week for another great episode of- Audience: YOU CAN’T WIN!!!!! THE END....of Episode 2! |