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| EPISODE THREE *Flashing lights, crowd screams and claps, shot to stage. Theme song plays. Camera centers on a woman standing onstage* The woman has dark brown hair with the bottom curled under. She’s wearing a pink shirt and blue jean capris with white high-top sneakers. She waves to the camera. Woman: Hello, viewers! I’m Anita Friend, your host. Welcome back to another great episode of- Audience: YOU CAN’T WIN!!! *Crowd claps and yells. Noise slowly dies down* Anita (smiling broadly): Thanks! On last week’s TORTALLAN edition, Kaddar the Loser (A/N: Tee hee, I couldn’t resist, sorry), Veralidaine Sarrasri, and....Tahoi, the stupid mutt... *Audience “booooos”* Anita (continuing): I mean, and Tahoi tried to beat each other by answering simple trivia questions to win! Warrior wood elf #4 won! However, as he has been reported as missing and was last seen leaving Austrailia in a body cast- *Crowd gasps* Anita: We have, sadly, had to forefit his prize as well. But no matter, today’s winner will take home an EVEN MORE fabulous prize than ever! *Audience goes wild* Anita: On today’s show, we have three important Tortallans who just can’t wait to get started so they can try and win! *Crowd applauds* Anita: So let’s hear it for....Contestant Number One! *Crowd goes wild* A tall woman with short, light brown hair comes onstage. She is muscular and smiles at the audience. Anita: Please welcome Keladry of Mindelan! *A big man with curly red hair in audience stands up and waves at her. She turns the other way, refusing to wave back* Anita: Kel is Tortall’s second Lady Knight, and proud of it! She likes to joust and relax with her fiancee, Cleon- Kel: Scratch that. We ARE NOT getting married! *Crowd whipers anxiously* Cleon (in audience): Come on, Kel, I SAID I was sorry! Kel: Humph. Anita (quickly): Let’s introduce Contestant Number Two! A lanky man with longish brown hair and green eyes saunters onstage lazily. Anita: Let’s welcome Nealan of Queenscove! *Crowd applauds, with the exception of Cleon* Cleon: You suck! *Armed thugs offstage glare at Cleon, and he shuts up. Neal glares at Cleon* Anita: Ahem. Neal likes to waste time, steal other peoples’ fiancees, and check out babes. *Cleon snickers in the audience, Neal looks confused* Neal: Hey! Anita: Ok....let’s move on! Neal: But how did the writer KNOW?!?! *Neal looks scared. Anita sighs* Anita: Let’s introduce our last player....a VERY famous person who was brought back FROM THE DEAD- *Crowd “oooohhhhhs”* Anita: To be on the show! Let’s welcome Duke Roger of Conte! *Crowd goes wild* A handsome man with a black beard wearing a black silk robe skips onstage jauntily. Roger: Hi mom! Oh wait, you’re dead. *Audience claps and whistles* Neal: Hey, why’s he getting all the applause now? Cleon (in audience): Because everyone likes him more than YOU!! *Neal tries not to cry, biting his lip* Kel: Aw, it’s okay, Neal. We all know that Cleon’s a LOSER! Cleon (in audience): I object! Anita: AHEM! Roger likes to....be dead? And fight with Alanna, who is obviously cooler than he is! Roger: Hey! Alanna (in the audience): Ha ha, Roger’s a loser! He can’t beat me a hopscotch-I mean, sword-fighting, right! *Audience laughs, Roger growls* Roger: I’m just allergic to your stupid feline, okay? *Roger sniffs* Anita: Um.... So now I will be happy to reveal today's categories: Shades of Black, The Powerpuff Girls, Hakuna Matata, Cheeses of France, and Chalk! *Crowd goes wild* Anita: Remember, you each have three lifelines: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE! Neal: What does the YOU LOSE! one do? ’Cause on “Millionaire” they have- Anita: Everyone, please help Neal to understand what our third lifeline does! Kel: Wait! Don’t hurt Neal! *Audience members reach under their seats and throw bouncy balls at Neal, Cleon especially, except for Alanna. She aims at Roger* Roger: Ouch! Hey! Stop that, hit the other dude! Neal: It hurts! I need a band-aid! Whaaaaaaaaaa!!!! *Audience stops, except for Cleon* Anita: AHEM! *She motions to Armed thugs, who grab the bouncy balls away from Cleon, who then proceeds to sulk* Anita: Contestant Number One, you know what time it is! Kel (confused): Um....I don’t have a watch, but- Anita: No, I mean- *Kel turns around to face audience* Kel: DOES ANYONE HAVE THE TIME?!?! Anita: I MEAN THAT IT’S TIME TO CHOOSE A CATEGORY!!!! Kel: Oh. *Kel turns back around* Kel: Why didn’t you say so? Anita: Sigh. Just pick one already. Kel: I pick....Hakuna Matata! Anita: Great! *Audience cheers* Anita: And your question is.... How old is Pumba? Kel: Who the HECK is Pumba? Guy in Audience: He’s the warthog from Africa! Kel: WHAT?!? There’s a spy from...from Africa? Wherever that is. Named Pumba? Where is he?! Lemme at him! Anita: Kel, I believe you’re missing the point. *Audience laughs* Kel: Bring this- this Pumba out! Anita: I’m sorry, but that was incorrect. I’m afraid that you... Audience: HAVE TO KISS ONE OF THE TELETUBBIES!!! Kel: What’s a teletubby? Cleon and Neal together: HEY, SHE’S MY GIRL!!! *Cleon and Neal glare at each other* Anita: Let’s welcome....Darn, I forgot its name. No matter, they’re all basically the same. Let’s welcome the purple teletubby! *Audience cheers. A curtain opens and the purple teletubby waddles out. Crowd gasps in horror* Audience Member: Hey, isn’t that the GAY one? Kel: Excuse me?!?! I AM NOT KISSING SOME GAY FREAK!!! Anita: I’m sorry, Kel, but you have to! *The purple teletubby waddles forward. Kel faints in horror* Cleon and Neal together: I'll save you! *Cleon and Neal rush forward, and each grab one of Kel's arms* Neal: She's mine, back off! Cleon: Stay away, you loser! *The purple teletubby comes forward and Neal runs away. The teletubby kisses Cleon* Cleon: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Cleon frantically brushes the place where the teletubby kissed him. Armed thugs approach and use cattle prods to take the teletubby offstage* Teletubby: I am Tinky-Winky! Who wants a hug? *Audience screams. Teletubby and Armed thugs exit. Audience cheers* Kel (waking up): Cleon? You SAVED me! *She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. He carries her out studio door* Anita: That was.....interesting? I don't know. *Audience cheers and laughs* Neal (getting up from under his podium, where he was hiding): Where'd Kel go? Anita: Kel left. *Audience laughs* Neal (depressed): Sigh. *A pretty stagehand with red hair runs onstage with a note, which she hands to Anita* Neal (excited): Whoa, baby! Hey, what's your number? *Stagehand glares at him, then runs offstage* Anita: AHEM! Kel and Cleon have eloped! *Crowd goes wild* Neal (calling to the pretty stagehand): Should I just give you mine? Anita: Let's focus. Now, Neal, it's your turn! Neal: I pick The Powderpuff Girls! By the way, are they hot? And are they single? *Audience laughs. Three girls in the front row glare at him angrily* Little Girl #1: It's POWERpuff! Little Girl #2: Why does EVERYBODY get that wrong?!?! Anita: Let's hear the question: What was Mojo Jojo drinking yesterday at 5:00? Neal: 'Mojo Jojo'? What a horrible name! I thought this category was about girls! *Crowd laughs* Anita: I'm sorry, but that was NOT the answer we were looking for! Neal: Who the !@#$%^& (quite unprintable) is Mojo Jojo?!?! Anita: So, you have to be.... Audience: INCINERATED BY FIRE TROLLS!!! Neal: But what was the answer??!!?! Anita: The answer was: He wasn't drinking anything yesterday at 5:00! Neal: But does she want to go out with me? Little Girl #3: Mojo Jojo is a GUY!!! Neal (extrememly confused): I am NOT going out with a guy! *Anita motions and five fire trolls come onstage. They look like the little troll toys with big hair and a bellybutton jewel, but their eyes are red and they're wearing red jumpsuits* Neal: So I have to go out with one of THEM?!?! *Audience laughs and cheers* Anita: Sigh *Trolls begin shooting fire out of their fingers at Neal. He jumps and tries to dodge, but one of them sets his hair on fire* Neal: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Neal runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Armed thugs put his hair out and drag him away. Fire trolls follow. Crowd goes wild* Anita: Wasn't that exciting! Now, Contestant Number Three, it's your turn! Contestant Number Three? ROGER?!?! *Roger has fallen asleep at his podium. He is snoring and drooling slightly* Anita: A little help here? *Armed thugs come over with a hose and wake Roger up* Roger: Uh...what? It wasn't me! Anita: Please pick a category! Roger (who is dripping wet and not quite awake yet): A...what? Oh a category! Right. I pick the one about cheese. I like cheese. Cheese is good. Eat cheese! Do you like- Anita: YOUR QUESTION IS: WHAT TYPE OF CHEESE IS MANUFACTURED IN MONGOLIA?!?! Roger: Seven, final answer! *Roger falls asleep again and crowd cheers* Anita: I'm sorry, Roger, but that was incorrect! *Armed thugs wake up Roger again by throwing water on him* Roger: Yeowch! That's cold! Anita: Please accept this golden egg as a consolation prize! Roger (starting to cry): But I wanted to win! It's not fair! Anita (laughing): Of course it isn't! And why? Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!! *Armed thug #5 chucks a golden egg at Roger, and it knocks him out* Anita: The results are in! *Crowd whispers excitedly* Anita: And the winner is.... *Drumroll* Anita: Me! I won, ha ha ha! *Anita begins to laugh hysterically. Audience stares at her* Roger (waking up): There is NO WAY I'm gonna let some loser chick beat me! *Anita stops laughing and gives him a death glare. Studio becomes very quiet* Anita: WHAT did you call me? Roger (afraid): Um....nothing? *Anita screams her war cry and chases him around the studio* Roger: HELP!!! *Alanna jumps out of her seat and chases after Roger with Anita* Alanna: I killed you twice, I can do it again! Anita: Wanna DANCE, Roger?! Roger: Aaaagggghhhh!!! *Anita and Alanna chase Roger out of studio* Britney Spears (in the audience): Finally! *Britney goes onstage and smiles at audience* Britney: It's my show now! *Audience cheers. Anita sticks her head in door* Anita: I think not! *Alanna sticks her head in too. She blows three short blasts on a whistle. Her warrior wood elf friends appear and go after Britney* Britney: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Anita: We'll see you next time on- Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!! *Offstage, Kitten is busy reading "Chicken Soup for Directors of Amazingly Stupid Game Shows Souls". She sighs and takes an Asprin* THE END....but hasn't it been that before? |