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| will "in this house, a queen beats a straight every time!" "you didn't hypnotize me, you monkey." "so...working with jack. how long did it take before he took one of your silk drapery panels and wore it like a sarong?" [INTO PHONE] "yeah, i know, mom. i'm watching it right now. no, trust me, it is not a good way to meet men. because gay men don't ballroom dance. ...oh, i gotta go now. the mambo competition is starting. yeah, i love you, too." "grace, you're way too hard on yourself. so you're in a low sex drive phase right now. everybody gets there once in a while. except jack. and he should be studied." "just gonna do a little business. let me do the talking. you're just the strong, silent type, with an angry look. [LOOKS AT THE EXPRESSION ON GRACE'S FACE] angry, not constipated. just be the strong, silent type." [TALKING TO JACK ABOUT THE PUPPY] "you call if you need anything. the vet's number's on the fridge. oh, play him some music. he likes R.E.M... but the early stuff. you know, nothing after he shaved his head." "not that big a deal? you just jumped into jack's arms. last time a woman did that -- a woman has never done that." "what are you talking about? i'm having a great time. champions on ice! [STANDING UP, SHOUTING] whoo! let's kick some butt! [SITTING DOWN] what? you said it was a sport." [TO JACK] "hey, woman on the verge. what's going on?" "that's my man... my squeeze... my steady fella. no wonder i was alone for so long." "hey lady!" "i was not chubby, ok? tuffskins are just very boxy." "tomorrows the kabalah brunch. she's making kugel." "oh, please, please, please, can't i be a flouncing geek, to?" "i like to be close to my homeys and zabars. they make a smoked sable that is da bomb." "dr. dangerous? does mr. thumb and shrinkface know about this?" "that is the gayest thing i've ever heard." "i am sooo gay." [IN DARTH VADER VOICE] "luke - you're a homo." "well, the fruit didn't fall far from that tree." "this is like watching 'gays of our lives'." "now if you can guess my weight, you'll get a t-shirt that says 'that's really none of your business!'" "this is the famous 'ben doucette intimidation tatic'? you crush nuts? that's why i should never meet a legend, it's always disappointing. like the time i met big bird at the ice capades... noooot so big." [TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT] "hey, did anyone see that special on discovery last night about the human liver? [BOBBING HIS HEAD] it is quite the filtration system." "uugh, that island, it was awful. and by awful i mean - karen." "i'm just checking out some of these open houses, listen to this: 'a 1970's pre-war apartment'. what war are they talking about? the battle of the network stars?" "flawless. flawless. broccoli, carrot, radish, fantastic. onion... you brought a tear to my eye." "no-one can stand playing with you. you're bad, you get taco sauce all over the cards, and at this point you're down so much you're paying people in turquoise jewelery, and except for larry - none of us want it." "we've got plans. a bunch of us are going to see 'cute guys in their underpants'. that's actually the name of the play. what's it about? i don't think we care." "i'm re-thinking my scuba outfit for the trip. joe and larry are gonna be basic black and i've got red flippers and a yellow snorkel. even the clown fish are gonna be like, 'ugh. too busy'." "yeah, well, being me hasn't gotten me a whole lot of action lately. or maybe you haven't been following my story line on 'no sex in the city'" jack: "i'm an expert. i go on literally thousands of dates a year." will: "that doesn't make you an ex-pert, that makes you an es-cort." scott: "give me a break. i'm 24 years-old. what are you, 27? will: [LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY] 27? yes, i am. jack: "he was the source of all my talent." will: "but you don't have any talent." NEW will: .... will's kick-ass parking space! karen: on the corner of uren and crime-spree. will: karen! oh my god if you're about to shed your human form, I don't want to be the next host. will: why would you show up at your ex-fiance' wedding? you didn't show up as the bride. grace "my love for you is like this scar - ugly, but permanent." "ugh! i hate clowns. they think they're so funny." "have you been eating my makeup? will, this lie is so big, it involves paperwork and a notary." "i had the weirdest dream last night. i was on a beach dancing with chow yun-fat. then all of a sudden, he rips off his face, and it's chow yun-fat in a different mood. what do you think that means?" "i mean he's twelve and i'm thirt-- not twelve." "c'mon jack, cher hasn't eaten since the seventies." "jack, this isn't going to be as hard as you think. on some level your mom must know you're gay. i mean, she has met you right??" "why do your people always go to sarcasm first?" "look, my choices were flawless and if your client can't see that, then he is guilty of extremely bad taste. and isn't that the real crime here today?" "ok karen, i'll be back in an hour, answer the phon-- who am i kidding?" [TO WILL & JACK] "you know, i really didn't wanna be invited to the bitch brunch." "yeah sure, in a parallel universe where my hair is straight - and so are you." "if i knew why straight guys did anything, do you think i'd be hanging out with you two homos?" "wait, that's your project? a mix tape? no, a mix tape is not a project. it's something you do between bong hits." "i always thought that if humphrey bogart just made ingrid bergman a mix tape, she never would've gotten on that plane." "now sit your ass on the bench of the piano that we bought together, sip your rootbeer float and have some friggin fun." NEW karen: what do you call that hairstyle? grace: psycho sheik... same style anne heche had when they picked her up in fresno. woman: i'm not talking to you grace adler. grace: I *swear* the elevator smelt like this before I got on. grace: are you really going to have sex with someone? karen: oh for god's sake ya big lez it's not going to be with you! grace: the first three letters in assistant spell ASS, so please - get off yours! grace: hang on, I'm getting overwhelmed by my own good taste. will & grace grace: you play hardball, baby. throw 'em low and inside. he's crowding the plate, and we've gotta go for-- will: grace. sports -- you're losing me. will: bad morning. i just found a gray chest hair. so depressing. i went to bed young, and i woke up ari onassis. [IMITATING ARI] jackie! get on the boat! grace: you know i'm gonna have to see it. will: later, when i'm less vulnerable. grace: will, it's one chest hair. will: i only have 7. i don't like those odds. grace: that's not true. i've seen all your home movies. you've had some fun birthdays. remember the one where your brothers dressed you up in your mom's clothes? that seemed like a fun birthday. will: yeah. that wasn't a birthday. that was, um... like, a thursday. grace: [SEDUCTIVELY] hello, lover. [JACK TURNS THE OTHER WAY] will: wrong way, closet's in there. grace: once you go jack, you never go back. will: ok, well, look, hey, if we're gonna do that, let's go all the way. uh, i bought a full tank of gas, you used three of my kleenexes and two applications of my carmex. that means you owe me roughly $22.57. grace: do take a cheque or should i pay you in pettiness, mr. petty? tom petty? petticoat petty? peppermint petty? will: bite me. grace: ok, here's the thanksgiving menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and icecream roll. what am i missing?... cake! we need cake! will: did you take a bong hit before you wrote that? grace: hey, i need you to help me sue someone. will: did the lady at the korean market call you 'mister' again? grace: buy one tube of cream bleach and you're 'mister' for the rest of your life. grace: i will see you in court. will: it's not court - it's arbitration. we'll be in a conference room with an arbitrator there. grace: then i will see you in a conference room with the arbitrator - there! [WALKS AWAY - COMES BACK] that did NOT sound as good! will: gracie... grace: objection! the familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other. grace: [LOOKING DOWN PJ TOP] oh my god. when did i get my nipple pierced? will: [WILL LOOKS DOWN HER TOP] that's your earring. grace: you can't give your sperm to claire, because that sperm is mine. will: sorry, but i'm pretty sure the doggone sperm is mine. grace: ok, so i don't know that much about cars. will: grace, he asked you if you wanted a v6 or a v8 and you said you'd prefer a diet coke. grace: i was making a joke... will: no you weren't. grace: no i wasn't, but it still does not excuse two gay guys sitting there, laughing in my face. like i don't get enough of that at home??? will: [IN MAFIA-TYPE ACCENT] can you believe that guy? soapin me for fifty lodge? forget about it. grace: ok, first of all, you've just officially been cut off from 'the sopranos'. grace: what's the matter? why are you pouting? will: i'm not pouting. grace: hey, i watch 'ally mcbeal'. i know what pouting is. will: what do you think of the cake? grace: are you kidding? it's got nine layers of chocolate and a snickers bar in the middle. i may move into it. grace: [DISGUSTED] why would a guy his age wanna marry a 21 year-old child? will: because at that age they're still tender - like veal. grace: oh my god i know this apartment. you'll never guess who's this is, you're gonna die. will: we're all gonna die grace, the important thing is what you do while you're here. grace: right. ok, i'll give you a hint. you love her music, you've seen her cabaret like 100 times... will: jack? grace: will, i have $100 in my bank account and $75 of that is earmarked for a belgian wax tomorrow. will: what's a belgian wax? grace: it's just a plain old wax, but it hurts so much, i treat myself to a waffle afterward. grace: you do not need to buy an apartment to get someone to like you. will: oh but i think i do. grace: you've got some lovely things. now how many compliments have you gotten on that leotard? will: [PISSED OFF] it's not a leotard, it's a fitted tee. grace: sweetie, are you gonna be ok? you sure you don't want me to stick around in case kevin comes back? you know i'm a good biter. i once bit a jump rope in half. will: why? grace: [LOOKING APPALLED) what do you mean, "why"?! little girl dressed as radish: i don't hate you, grace. i like you. i think you're pretty. will: out of the mouths of radishes. grace: [PICKS UP LITTLE GIRL] you do? little girl dressed as radish: yes. grace: oh, that is so sweet. [TO WILL] see? this makes it all worth it. little girl dressed as radish: yes, and when i grow up, i want to have fake hair just like you. will: now that's what makes it all worth it. NEW grace (answering machine): hello, this is will and graces'. *will* you *grace* us with your message? will: I thought I'd told you to stay away from the answering machine. will: you're barely a woman - you pee standing up! grace: hey! there are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat. will: ours? will: you can't see it, you can't talk about it, but you know it's there. grace: kind of like a fart in church. grace: do you know what's funny about that? will: no, what? grace: i'm asking. grace: it's really working for me tonight... the skin, the hair, the smile... will: the row of poppy seeds in your teeth from the bagel you ate this morning. (grace is sitting outside the bride's bathroom stall) grace: why don't you get out so that I can convince her to marry him? will: Is there a window in here? grace: does it smell like there is a window in here? grace: he was in a jewish gang will: what is that? they drive by and slash your credit rating? |