Pascal's Wager
	Summary of the past four and a half years: My faith was constantly under attack from many different directions.  I had lost the woman I loved largely because of the faith I had.  And then when I tried to dedicate my life to my faith I was in tern rejected from it.  Moreover the rejection came because of an evaluation that was wrought with falsities.  I could not understand any of this or why God would do this to me.  If I were rejected because it was too soon after my break-up with Lisa I would understand.  If it was because they did not feel I had my mental illness under control I could accept that.  But being rejected based on lies and untruths.  I could not see how that could possibly be of God.      Blaise Pascal was a scientist ond theologan durring the 17th century.  Perhaps his most famous contribution to theological thinking is what has come to be known as Pascal’s Wager.  In a nutshell, his bet is that if you do not believe in God and sincerely try for 1 year to believe in Him, them by the end of the year you will.  (He also gives a rational argument on why this is a good bet to take.)       January of 1999 rolled around I decided that I would take Pascal’s Wager and turn it upside-down.  I could not struggle with it any longer and gave up on God.  I decided to give myself a year and then reevaluate next January.  I stopped going to Mass.  I stopped praying.  I totally cut myself off from God.  Then next January I would reevaluate the past year and so if my life were any worse because I no longer believed in God.
			© 2000 Shawn Willox