| IAN E SIMMONS - A MODERN TRAGEDY!! |
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| iI HAVE A FRIEND, (I HAVE MANY FRIENDS, BUT THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR IS WORTH WRITING ABOUT!), HIS NAME IS IAN SIMMONS. I HAVE KNOWN IAN SINCE SCHOOL, AND EVERY TIME I THINK THAT HIS LIFE CAN'T BE ANY MORE SAD, OR FUCKED UP, HE GOES AND PROVES ME WRONG. I'M ALWAYS SAYING THAT YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP ABOUT IAN'S LIFE, AND I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT YOU COULD. WHAT FOLLOWS IS TRUE AS FAR AS I KNOW, AND I HAVE NO REASON TO DOUBT THAT IT ISN'T, AND IT IS MOSTLY TOLD BY E-MAILS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED FROM IAN, WHERE APPROPRIATE I HAVE SUBSTITUTED NAMES FOR NUMBERS TO AVOID ANY REAL UNPLEASANTNESS. I RECOMMEND STICKING WITH IT UNTIL THE END, AS I PROMISE..NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR LOVE LIFE IS, IT CAN ONLY BE BETTER THAN IANS. |
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| OK, A little background before we start! Ian is 31 on July 7th 2003. He is one of twins, although fortunately for his sister they are NOT identical!! I went to school with them both and from when I first met Ian I always knew that he was a little strange. Was it the fact that he had written the words to "Fuck Like A Beast" by W.A.S.P. on the back of his English Excercise book perhaps? Who can say!! Anyway, I don't want to call Ian sad ......................... ...............................but after a number of failed relationship's and two children that he knows are his and who knows how many that he doesn't, he is now back living at home with his parent's and living it up like his was 16 again. Personally, I wouldn't have the energy myself, but hey, each to their own. With that said, Ian does know I'm doing this and it isn't meant with any nastiness, we just thought that we should share!! One last thing, the spelling mistakes aren't mine, Ian has never heard of a spell check!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date : Thur 05 Dec 2002 All right. It looks like I'am going to court to get child #2. Everyone is interfering especially Ex-Girlfriend #1 who been selling lots of lies to try and get one up on me but it wont work. Lifes a bitch, Tried the wild side of life but I'am too old. Met some one and had a couple of dates but I think singles my way forward. I'am under the doctor for insomonia so have some strong sleeping tablets which nock me out. I've giving up on Consett at the minute and believe this. I went to my works do and drang only coke. I hope to have to sought something out with Ex-Girlfriend #2 but she's still sor especially with all the crap in the air about me. Best bet stay low and very cool and I'll survive I only hope Ex-Girlfriend #2 calms and relaxes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date : Fri 13 Dec 2002 Been arrested for harrasment for making 2 phonecalls. Send your phonenumber over because ammy through yours away. Stupid fucking cow. Here is whats happened. Me and Ex-Girlfriend #2 are going through war because of her family. I'am off work and under the doctor and will finish the game. I lost one son and lose two. In 1 week i've been arrested and not charged just made a 3 hour statement, been to a funeral, doctors, and solicitors. Women are bitches. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now then at this point I would just like to add that Ian had been sent a spam e-mail for a debt consolidation service that had the subject line : Stop harassing phone calls! What are the fucking odds?? Could it happen to anyone else?? You are arrested for making harassing phone calls and receive a junk e-mail with that heading? Anyway, on to the next e-mail........ Date : Sat 14 Dec 2003 Hi dude, well this is the story so far. I have been arested for harrassment. For giving Ex-Girlfriend #2 two phonecalls. I'am bound over until the 14 of January. I have beed to the solicitors and we are starting court proceedings on thursday to get access to child #2. She has been a right bitch. I've had to give my mothers phonebill as evidence. I met someone else but dumped her. I've had Ex-Girlfriend #1 spreading all sorts of shit. I'am of work on the sick and my mother through your phonebill away so I need it again. Life a little difficult at the minute, but Iam coping very well. Hope its going better for you. I've met someone on the internet who I talk to but I cant be bothered with out serious yet. Keeping a low profile at the mo becasue people are watching my every move. Speak soon, Ian the craziest dude in the world ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At this point I sent an e-mail back basically saying that I would see him for a drink later that week, and some other general bullshit. The response came bacl...... Date : Sat 14 Dec 2002 Send me your bloody number. What do you mean its what i expect from you. My name is Ian 'Billy Bastard' Simmons or is it not. Don't ever forget one thing. If the world ends in 5 minutes we can only do one think. In life I can only finish the game..... I WIN The rest become history???????????? Right you email your number tonight. MoMMy 'Whos life is short' Simmons through yours away. You can come but not 'come' here when ever you want. I've story for your website that will triple no *10 your ratings. Speak soon Ian PS If this is not phil but a bitch i have ever shacked?????? I fucked your sister. HA HA. PSS Send me your number dude because there is only one billy bastard and thats me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Needless to say that if this were a normal human being, I'd be somewhat worried for their sanity around this stage, but this was not a normal human being...this was Ian, and I really don't think that 'normal' is a word that I have ever applied to Ian. We both have a slightly fucked up outlook on life and watching Ian's life is kind of like watching a car wreck, you know you shouldn't look but you can't turn away. You just have to see what happens next!! Date : Thu 09 Jan 2003 Well Phil I thought I'd email you from work. I'am coping quite well. Now christmas is over I can relax a bit and put my feet up. Back to normal and its great.. Got my Bail to answer next week with my solicitor. Next Thursday at 1800 and court date set for the 04 of February at 11.30AM. I'am winning Ex-Girlfriend #1 over to the course but I think she'll come round??? Well I hope you are doing okay. I'll ring soon all right. Still got over an hour to go. Can't swear in case I sent this to the wrong person. See Ya IAN PS Iam going to forward some emails to you to prove I looked after child #2. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, at this I point I begin to think that apart from the fact Ian has been totally unable to grasp the concept of the apostrophe, maybe he has just had enough shit go on with his life that he may just keep his head down and see things through amicably....... Date : Thu 16 Jan 2003 Well the court case for access for child #1 is on the 4th. I was given a caution of the police for harrassssss. Me my lawyer think she's going to pull some swift ones. I'am talking hard and reading myself for the big one. Whats that thats song. 'YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE' Well thats my life at the minute. No one sees me or hears form me at all. Its called a low profile. They want a piece of me then bring them on. I'am FIGHTING for three kids this year and thats the end of it. Ex-Girlfriend #2 and Ex-Girlfriend #1 have stopped being in touch. Well why speak to a lyer. I've been talking to her and she speaks shit. My solicitor thinks Ex-Girlfriend #2 is fooling her self me being primary carrer for 6 months and all. Yours Still fighting the whole fucking world Ian 'Hard Talking' Simmons. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date : Thu 13 Feb 2003 Just a quick one before I finish. Seeing child #1 again and been to court for child #2, the bitch said no so this time going back in less than two weeks to see him in the interim. It looks like its caused her some problems coz non of her family turned up. Off tommorow because of court. Hey guess who got beat up.... Mother Fucking ME... SHIT HAPPENS But you got to laugh...HEEHEE ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now at this point I didn't hear from Ian for a few weeks, but that in itself isn't unusual. I would like to point out that Ian isn't stupid, in fact he can be scarily intelligent, it just tends to be that he doesn't have a great deal of common sense. I usually sum it up best by saying that with Ian there is no in-between...you either like him or you want to punch his fucking lights out. It's probably also worth mentioning that child #1 was with Ex-Girlfriend #1 and child#2 was with Ex-Girlfriend#2, and the possible other child, (for arguments sake child#1.5), was also with Ex-Girlfriend#1. Got that...keeping up?? Good, then we'll continue..... Date : Thu 06 Mar 2003 I'll give you the run down since Jan. Started with a funeral where I met #3, got the caution from the police. Went out with #3 for a while. Got access to child #1. I've had an absolutly mad time woman, wine, fighting and more woman. went to court she's denied me everything, so back in court on Tuesday the 11 for a one hour interim period. Her fear of me is not as strong since we were both in the same night club, when I was with #3 and her Lesbian sister (who'm incidently I woke up with this morning Tuesday 6th). I'll tell you one thing sleeping with Lesbians is not fun because they are not interested but who cares I've a good imagination. Well the FEAR Factor.... I'll have to reassert my Authoritar. I've decided the best thing you can do with an ex is bloody ignore them and ensure that when your in public have a chick on your arm and how I've succeeded.. The used and abused so far (not in chronological order) 1 #4 2 #3 3 Forgot but thin Ginger 4 #5 (not yet homebase) 5 #6 (well she paid for the drinks) 6 Some Chick name must remain annonymous because of the divorce. 7 aboves mother.. well she was only 39 8 Beautiful older chick who who's name I've forgot but works in Castleside. and the mad encounters A woman and her friend in the Angel in Durham.. had to drag her out the toilets (ahwell) Knocked one out in the night club in Consett.. ooops.. but she did pull me of the dance floor, swing me round and then allow me to fly through the fire exit. I've had my photo taken with a hen night... and ..well...on ..on ..and ..on it goes. The older you get the easier it is because you have no fear.. Well must dash dude, got some stories to tell but later. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At this point, if you are still with me and following all this, I would like to refer back to the 09 Jan 2003 when Ian said "Back to normal and its great", and 16 Jan 2003 when he said "No one sees me or hears form me at all. Its called a low profile". I must have fucking completely misunderstood what low profile meant...I mean fuck me. At this point there has been numerous court visits and police arrests and Ian decides to get over this by going on a mass bender and shagging (or shacking!!) as many women as his pecker can manage.........sounds like good therapy to me!! And there's more..... Date : Wed 12 Mar 2003 Believe this OR NOT? I went to court.. Ex-Girlfriend #2 had a Barrister QC in an interim hearing. I had a criminal lawyer present. Ex-Girlfriend #2 has opened her game plan in a cunning attempt to create surprises on seeing the barrister we decided not to reveal our attack or defence we just let her rip into me. It was great. Iam a psychotic depressant drunk with suicidal tendicies... YUMMY My reply....... nowt. An attack... HA HA The social services should if these allogations are correct, look into Ex-Girlfriend #2 for leaving a young baby in my care. and Then.. the crunch Sir this trial is unnecessary (Barrister For The Bitch) and Mr Simmons should cover all costs. WHAT A barristers fee, bollocks to that.... About £500.00 plus solicitors fees...... Judge Ordered No. RESULT No child #2, No Costs.. but I no her means of attack and defence and her total tactic. Shes is knowing nowt about me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember when I read that, my first thought was that it was just as well Ian didn't have to pay the barristers fee £500.00, I don't think that a barrister would get out of bed for £500.00. So, just when I thought that things could only possibly look up for Ian.... Date : Mon 07 Apr 2003 Well another unusual week. I've decided to retire from public for a while for my own safety. I've a girlfriend I think, who is currently getting funny phone calls since meeting me. Not that she blames me of course. I mean she still hasn't forgiven me for my foray last week. I went out for a quiet drink on the Thursday (Ha Ha)... and met someone else... oops. During that encounter I was horribly mauled on the shoulders.. something I new nothing about ... until yes... I returned to the arms of my beloved. Top off and it was get me the fuck in to Baghdad for a few days for some piece and quiet. I tried to run but could not, I tried ring a taxi but didn't know where I was.. trapped.. she locked me in the bedroom........ Well enough of that. Lets change to the Legal dealings. I've met a court appointed psychatrist or social worker or something. Anyway during my interrogation, at least in Iraq you are protected by the Geneva Convention. I was asked an unusual question. 'Have you been known by a different name?' Of course chilled as ever I said yes. Well tagged on to the back of my police screening was someone else's mister meeners, theft, handling stolen goods, etc..... When he started reading the list out I had to point out to him that I thought he meant bastard or Cunt or similar things. Well I think it went quite well. Okay I'm tired and stuck at work. I hate Mondays. Ian 'I Need A Holiday' Simmons PS More to come PSS child #1's mothers being a bitch but who gives a shit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh no, just when I thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse...Ian has a new girlfriend and cheats on her as soon as he has a pint in his hand. For those keeping score they are numbers 11 & 12 respectivly. Fuck! I knew that the next time I heard from Ian, things wouldn't be straight forward......I should have put a fucking money on it... Date : Wed 23 Apr 2003 Well dude after all that spin with child #2 I eventually got to see him..... At his grandads house... well owts better than nowt. All that shit with a Barrister and i get to see him anyway. Well I was out with the lads on Saturday and somehow managed to win some cool cash for a quid... well is gamblings a sin. My disapeareances are really starting to bug people (but then they should come as no surprise to you)... I go out Tuesday and come back eventually. My main problem at the minute is woman. I seem to attract stalkers. People who ring that many times that they dont get the message. I'am not sure who they are... well booze be a clouding my mind... but my Mother said I had 3 calls of 3 different woman 3 times each last weekend..... I hope there not in the Family way.... and if they are... AH WELL. Note to self DONT GIVE OUT NUMBER.... I've a huge selection of beer mats with numbers on but sadly I very rarely wright the name down. I keep track of me current doxy by the password I use at work. One day I'll come in and not have a fuk what it is. I've a long weekend comming up but me and the doxy be drinking it away. AH Welll..... Well have to go to hospital to meet a friend who had a nasty accident last weel... don't ask... cause I cant remember.. As long as I've a pulse I'll email (assuming my arms div'nt fall off) PS Who one the war???? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From bad to worse..... Date : Tue 13 May 2003 Well its a strange old life. I've met someone who seems to like me. Well for the last five month she's been trying to catch my eye but then there is no point trying to be subtle around me is there. I mean to get my attention she should have held up a placard that read 'Do you fancy a shag?' Well she's met my parents and has a place of her own and I can really chill out with her. As usual I know everything about her but she knows only one or two things about me which is all anyone gets to know. So can I take the plunge and calm down. YES. Do I want to, we'll see? She knows about the kids I see and the ones I don't and that's not the problem. The problem is the person I met before I met her (#15) and promised the world too. She seems to be a little fixated and I've tried everything. Like "IAM not gay but IAM trying.", "The doctor says you might have AIDS but I said I've never brought an album by them in mm life.", "Your sister got a tight pussy" and "I cant meet your parents because I suffer from Turrets syndrome so 'Fuck Off'" but all she does is laugh. So whats a man to do. One beautiful woman on me arm and another less that a shit nugget away from me arse. One I want to keep and there other I want to get shot off. Ah an I dear. No shut up Ian. Phil delete this sentence. So I'm going to have to be straight and lie, unless you've any good suggestions or URL's. Well must continue the fight and sought me life out. PS The one I'm keeping is called #16, I wont care I've never seen the other since meeting her. I mean isn't avoidance not a hint enough? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I've now lost count of how many women that is and how many absurd situations Ian has found himself in over the course of just six months, but you know when you just know that there is still worse to come... Date : Fri 16 May 2003 Well I'am back because Ive got to tell someone Wednesday night of romance. I told you there where two woman right, well listen. Metallica where the MTV icon and #16 came round about 6.30. My dad was in and all was going well. All the kissing and crap. Dad went out and we got a little involved. 8.30 and things are getting steamy. Knock Knock. Then the mobile rings its #15 Well #16 knows about #15 but not visa versa. Follow. Well #16 is married and knows that if #15 finds out she be dead. What happens to me is... well dead. 8.35 Let in #15. 25 minutes to Metallica. So hes the deal one upstairs and one down stairs. Upstairs is in fear and panicking and down stairs is all over me. 8.45 Mobile goes guess who's on the other end but upstairs. Still undressed wanting to know how to sneak out. So hes the deal when metallica come on I pump up the telly and go for a piss, get her down stairs and sneak her out Easy right. 9.10 Slip in to trousers and go upstairs, oh dear when you got to go you got to go so slip out of trousers. 9.15 #16 steps down stairs. Metallica still booming. Just about to sneak her out and the livingroom door opens in to the kitchen. So #16 is thrown in to the downstairs toilet. 9.16 Back with #15. 9.30 #15 needs the toilet. She gets there finds the door locked from the inside. Ohh dear. 9.31 Upstairs with #15 filling full of shit about the door being fucked and lock knackered. It works Pheww. 9.32 Back door opens and then slams. #16 has escaped not quietly. So I'am like what the fuk is that so me and #15 are straight downstairs. No intruders. So its like..from me"Them bastard bloody kids"...chuckle chuckle chuckle on the inside. So back to some loud loving. Its late Fathers back and I'am on the couch with #15. Gives me one look and goes to bed. So there you go. Its not easy and I'am starting to show signs of paranoia. Well do you blame me. So tonight being Friday I've got it all to do again. Ohh crap. And the bloody mobile is like a load stone around my neck. Regards Chuckufarlie ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personally, i think that that one is my favourite Ian e-mail ever. It's particularly funny if you know the layout of his house. I can just about envisage it playing out like a Benny Hill sketch or something. Fucking priceless!! But as you may have gathered by now...with Ian, it doesn't stop there.... Date : Sun 18 May 2003 Well its been a week end of tears mate, Not mine of course but I've seen enough to think. One ex cried when I walked in to a pub. I'am refusing to take calls and I've turned my mobile off. Can you believe a complete strange woman came up to me and said, in front of all the lads "If I ever see you again I'am going to spit in your face You bastard". Well Iam a bastard at least I admitted. In the metallica song Low Mans Lyric theres a bit says "Like I ride to the alley way and cofess all to the rain but I lie right to the mirror which I've broken to match my face" well I think Iam feeling guilty. This is heavy shit I don't suppose any of the fuckers from this week can forgive me. I mean one of the teary ones was Ex-Girlfriend #2 and the other was #15. I've just got to be in a room with some people and they freak out. The problem is Iam doomed to bump of these people again and again. I wish they would just fuck off. I've been getting some pretty nasty phonecalls and the shit mill is turning. It got that bad this morning I phoned a friend in ?????????? to arrange my next disappearing act. Well if your going to fuck off, do it properly. Whens that web site going to be updated. I'am just curious is all. Well watch this space and don't mention #17.... I'll tell you soon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So at this point he is organising to fuck off, obviously I'm not about to say where...hey just because I'm not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't watching me!! He is having problems with about 6 different women and he ends his e-mail by introducing yet another one....anyone else see a pattern here....FOR FUCKS SAKE IAN PUT IT AWAY!!!!! And that brings us up to the latest e-mail that I have from him and unless he winds up swinging from a pole somewhere it will probably be the last that I post here. I just wanted to share the utter amazement that I usually feel when I read an e-mail from Ian and as the old saying goes Truth really is stranger than fiction...... Date : Thu 22 May 2003 Well it would appear by the amount of traffic I'am experoencing over every electronic form of communication that #15 is a little upset. Well what happened, I thought she was being stroppy by ignoring me, was I ever wrong about that one> While I'am calling her a bitch and not fit enough to lick my arse, the poor lass is lying in a hospital bed. She says its over, well I can hadle that, but as soon as I go silent, the texts start forcing a responce. This is like being married. I suppose I should go and see her but she has a nasty streak apparently and I've been advised against it. BUT who takes advice. I mean whats the worst she can do??? That all ready has'nt been tried, and dont say succeed. Well today I have two testicles but what will I be left with tommorow? Well I'am see child #2 on Saturday so best be on me best behavior even if I cant walk because of a damaged man hood. Well speak soon Wishing I was some one else Ian "Its going to hurt so lets get it over with" Simmons PS I think I'll have a wank before I go down, It might be my last for a while. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now in closing I would just like to add that this was the last that heard from Ian, and whilst that as I said earlier is not unusual, with about 17 or 18 pissed off women after his balls, I'm not expecting to hear anything soon. However, if you know Ian or would like to add to this Modern Tragedy, CLICK HERE and let me know!!!! |