| OLD AGE PENSIONERS - THE TRUTH!! |
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| IF LIKE ME, EVERY TIME YOU GET STUCK IN LINE AT A SHOP OR SUPERMARKET IT'S NEARLY ALWAYS BECAUSE THE QUEUE IS BEING HELD UP BY SOME OLD FART OVER THE AGE OF 70 WHO'S PISSING AROUND PAYING FOR ONE ITEM WITH AS MUCH SMALL COINAGE AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!! THEREFORE, I WAS QUITE SURPRISED WHEN I UNCOVERED THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT.... AN ORIGINAL PIECE BY ME...YAY ME!! |
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| In the style of the X-Files, I have conducted a top secret study that reaches to the very heart of the British Government. I have encountered a series of somewhat disturbing facts that prove conclusively a conspiracy between the Government, Old Age Pensioners, Supermarket Chains and Credit Card Companies. If you are a shopper who is frustrated by constantly waiting in line to pay for goods and services you cannot afford to miss this......................... My suspicions were first raised some years ago when I noticed that almost every time I had to wait in line it was due to someone over the age of seventy, buying two items and trying to pay with as many small coins as was humanly possible. My initial suspicions were further backed up when my wife commented on the same thing. It was then that I decided to investigate. Old Age Pensioners, or OAP's, receive a payment from the Government. This payment is called the Pension. We are led to believe that it is a benifit, paid in order that the recipients can live, pay bills etc., I dispute this. We are told that the economy has slumped and that consumer spending is down. I dispute this. In fact the economy is in great shape. The official figures are not released to the public, but stored away in a filing cabinet in Tony Blair's office. Here are the facts......... Some years ago, public spending was starting to slide and so in a moment of panic the National Union of Shopkeepers, (NUS), approached the Government for help. What the Government did was further tax the NUS with an 'Optional Amount Payable' tax. The larger your business and the more customers you serviced, the larger the amount you paid. The more help you felt your business needed you had the option of paying more in tax. All monies raised by this tax were placed into a high interest account and the Government kept the interest for their trouble. What the Government then did was negotiate on behalf of the NUS a deal with suppliers to provide a number of sundry items at an incredibly low purchase price that could be quickly sold on for maximum profit. These items would be placed on and around the chekout area. Some three years earlier the Government had commisioned a survey that showed when people waited in line for more than five minutes, they were 90% more inclined to make an impulse buy. At this point the pieces were starting to come together. The stores were paying the Government for help. The Government had funded the research and negotiated a deal for cheap items to be sold for high profits. All that they needed was a way to make people stand in line for as long as possible in order to fuel the urge for impulse buys. It was now time for the master stroke. They assembled an elite group of apparently confused and doddery Senior Citizens whose brief was simple, '...buy as few items as possible and take as long as possible to pay for them.' In other worlds....HOLD UP THE LINE. Obviously this elite group required recompense, and that is where the Optional Amount Payable tax came into play. The Government called it the Old Age Pension, and the electorate was none the wiser. However, the conspiracy does not end there. Being of a certain age, the timescale that these operatives are effective is limited and so the recruitment process is ongoing. This is where the Credit Card Companies come into the equation. As anyone who has hand to stand in line, cash in hand, to pay for shopping knows, the only customer who takes almost as long as OAP's to pay are Credit Card customers. Firstly, they can't find the damn card, then when it is rejected, they had given the wrong card. So, they find the right card, and it is swiped and verified, then the payment slip is printed off, then the customer must check the amount and sign the bottom. All checkout operators are instructed by the NUS to take at least 10 seconds checking that the signatures match. Then the transaction is completed. During this time the poor customers stuck in line have added to their overall bill with impulse buys that they pay for in cash in a matter of seconds. And don't even get me started on cash-back. Essentially credit card customers are future OAP's. Each generation better than the last as more and more items are bought on credit, the net is cast further, and the training gets better resulting in longer hold-ups at the checkout. Obviously, if this were widely publicised the economy could collapse. That is why the Government cover the whole thing up. I, however, feel that the truth must be told. Everyone who has wasted time in their life stood in line at the supermarket deserves to know the turth. Is this exclusive to Britain??? I don't know. I would have thought not!! However, the best thing to do is ask yourself, "How much of my life has been wasted watching OAP's fiddle around with a handful of coins to pay for a tin of soup for one??? After answering that, I think it's time to look at your own Country's Government. For now, I must go.....I can hear the footsteps getting closer....I'll make my escape when I finish typing this sent |