The jokes below are some that were sent to me that actually made me laugh out loud.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders
three more. The bartender says to him,"You know, a pint goes flat after
I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies,"Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together".
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves
it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks
the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day he
comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss".
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then
a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no", he says,"Everyone's fine. I've
just quit drinking".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice
to the crowd of drinkers. He says,"I hear you Irish are a
bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can
drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet and noone takes of the Texan's offer. One
man even leaves. "Is your bet still good?",
asks the Irishman.
The Texan
says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Two men have just met in a Boston pub
Patrick and Murphy are out fishing and the motor conks out on the boat. An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has
way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
When you re-arrange the letters:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter
only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Q:What does it mean when the flag is flying at half-mast
at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
Q:Why don't blind people skydive?
A:Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Teacher:What's the difference between a hormone
and an enzyme?
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman
who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya
don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes?"
The Irishman replies,"Oh...I
had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first."
Hey, I am originally from County Mayo in Ireland. How
about you?
Well now, I am from County Mayo too! I went to St. Clare's
Elementary School.
Why, I did too...now isn't that something! I had Sister
Margaret Mary in 3rd grade in 1953.
Hey, I had Sister Margaret Mary in 3rd grade in 1953 too!
(the conversation went on and on like this until someone
said this to the bartender...)
Hey John, what's with those two guys anyway!
(before John the bartender could answer, someone shouted...)
Nothing Mac, it's just the Murphy twins drunk again!
Patrick to Murphy: What are we going to do now?
Murphy: We'll just have to wait for help.
After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle. Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says, "Turn the sea into Guinness", and of course the sea is black with Guinness. Murphy says,"You stupid fool! Now we'll have to piss in the boat".
Johnny:You can't hear an enzyme.
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