~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You tensed in my arms and told me you couldn't breathe. 

I tried to reassure you…. to convince you everything would be okay.  I put your head on my chest and stroked your hair…it looked longer than normal. 

You swallowed and slowly blinked.  "Don't leave me," you whimpered. 

I shook my head and told you I wasn't going anywhere...that'd I'd never leave you.  Then, I felt your body jerk in my arms, so I tightened my grasp.  You were in a cold sweat and so pale.

It was very strange because I felt like this had happened before.  Like I should know what to expect.  I can't explain it.

All I could do was watch and hold you as you shook and thrashed.  I felt so helpless.  I massaged your shoulders and neck to try to keep you calm.  But you were still so scared.  I think you were trying not to cry.

Then, you closed your eyes and your body stilled.  I could feel my throat tighten as you became very calm and quiet.  It was so scary because I couldn't even tell if you were breathing.  I wasn't sure if you'd wake up.  I just kept running my fingers through your hair.

After what seemed like an eternity, your eyes fluttered open.  I welcomed you back with a relieved smile.  You tried to sit up, so I eased against the wall and you leaned on me. 

You asked me how long you had been out of it.  I think I said, "about three minutes."  Then I asked if you hurt anywhere, but you assured me that you were okay. 

You were still shaking a little, and really pale.  I kissed your head as it lay on my chest.  We just sat like that for a while. 

Before we got up, you thanked me.  I assured you we'd make it through. 

I never felt so sure.

~~~

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to something stirring beside me.  You were moving around, your feet and head gently tapping at the ends of our bed. 

I rolled over, touched your shoulder, and asked if you were all right.  You said that you didn't feel well.  But you didn't want to go to the hospital.  You wanted to stay at home, with me.

I reached under the sheets and took your hand.  It was cold and clammy.  You were shaking again. 

I sat up in bed and you lay on my stomach.  Again, I ran my fingers through your hair.  It seemed the only way to calm you.  I looked into your eyes; they sparkled like diamonds.  You were still so full of life.

Then I kissed you and promised that everything would be fine.  You kept saying you were scared and that you didn't want to leave me.  I told you everything would be all right.  You said you loved me.  I said it back.

You told me you were sorry, that you were putting me through this torture.  I told you I was sorry I couldn't help you…. or go with you.

I was so powerless…so useless when you needed me the most.  I couldn't bear to watch you suffer, but I couldn't take my eyes off you.

Your fingers fell from my hand.

I was so helpless.

~~~
I don't remember what happened next.  But when I woke up I was in the kitchen.  I was crumpled in a ball in the corner.  There was a knife on the floor next to me.  I wanted so badly to pick it up.  I couldn't reach it though.  I couldn't move.   

Then, the phone rang…for a long time. Somehow I answered it, but I couldn't speak.  No voice on the other end.

There was a knock at the door, but I couldn't open it.  I couldn't even stand.

All I could do was sit and think about you.  I couldn't even cry for you.  I couldn't cry for me.

I felt so old.

~~~
The last thing I remember was walking through a field.  The grass was incredibly green and the sky was so bright and blue it hurt my eyes.  I stopped under a tree to get out of the sun; there were flowers in my hand. 

All I knew was how much I missed you.  How I would do anything just to see your face; to spend one more moment with you; to tell you one more time that…that I loved you. 

I stood there for a long time, but no one came.  The sun started to set and it got cold.  But I couldn't leave.

I've never felt so alone.

***************************************************************************************

"God, it was awful."

"Wow." Jen exhaled.  "That was some nightmare."  Greg had his knees up to his chest and his head in his hands.

"Yeah."

"Look at you, you're shaking," she reached over to touch Greg's arm.  He jerked back at the sensation.  "You know that everything's okay, right?  I'm fine…" she reassured him.

"Uh huh."

"I'm not going anywhere, honest."  Jen said, watching her husband.  His eyes had a glazed look to them as he lifted his head stared at the wall.  He was afraid to look at her.  "Nothing's going to happen."

"I know."

Jen leaned over, rubbed Greg's back, and kissed him on the cheek.  "Why don't you try to go back to sleep.  It's only three AM."

"I can't…. I can't go back there."

Greg released a steady breath; shaking his head as he stood and left the room without another word.  He wanted her to follow.

Sure enough Jen treaded into the living room.  She sat down next to him on the couch and put her arms around him.  There they sat, in the dark, all night.  And when the sun finally came up, Greg had never been so grateful for one more day.


Dream Explanations